My friend is falling for my old fling, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

For background information I’ve liked this guy for over 10 months now, he is me and my friends group. She’s known about my crush on him. My other friends, also in the group, would also always tell me that I shouldn’t date him cause dating in the friend group is messy. So I told all of my friends including her back in April that I was over him, I’m currently not over him at all. I knew I had to move on cause I wasn’t very sure he liked me back. The only evidence I had of him liking me was him staring at me and his friend saying that he might like me (he is very shy). Last weekend my friend told me that she and him have been talking a lot and she really likes him. She is not sure if he likes her back cause she asked him if he’s interested in anyone currently and he said no. She asked me for my permission and I said I've moved on from him and gave her my permission to go for him. I know I shouldn’t have cause I still like him, but why should I keep holding on to him when I’m not sure if he liked me back the same way. Basically what I’m wanting to know is how I should get over him fast. I know seeing them together is going to break me and I don’t want that. I really want to be happy for them, but I can’t keep letting my feelings get in the way.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there before and I know how hurtful it is, so sorry you’re having this experience. The best I can suggest for at least right now is to cut ties with them both. I know you can be friends with someone you like or used to like but when that feeling stays and doesn’t go away…. Especially if you know you’ll feel tormented seeing him with her, then spare yourself the trauma and cut them out. You gotta do you and you gotta move on. Sometimes the only way we can get that is by dropping the people we love and that can’t bear to see with someone else and over time, that attachment/feeling will fade. I’m sure cutting out the friend especially will be hard, but it doesn’t mean she’s bad or she did something wrong. It just means you simply were not able to manage the situation as is and you had to prioritize your mental being in a way that worked for you. Don’t let your feelings torture you.

[Asker]

Yeah I’ve been thinking about spacing myself from them for a bit. I just don’t wanna lose my friendship with her. She is like a sister to me and I’m being misleading by saying I’m over him. I keep telling myself I can’t get upset with her cause it’s hard to control who you fall for. But I do think I need to space myself away from them and I thought that was a bit over the top so I’m glad you said that :) definitely makes me feel better about wanting some space from them for a while.

[Opinion Owner]

I get you, with my friend I had this experience with I’d known her for 10+ years, she was also like my sister and kind of my only friend, so I know it’s ridiculously hard. But at the end of the day, you have to do what works for you and if it’s distancing yourself, then do that. Personally, I told my friend I’d be distancing myself and it went along the lines of: you know I love you, and the last thing I want is to make you feel bad — this isn’t your fault. It’s just hard for me seeing you with him and I need time to get over it”. At that point she offered to stop talking to him, but what’s the point? For one I couldn’t ask her to give up potential happiness for a guy I was too shy and afraid to express my feelings for, and on top of that, he was actively showing more interest in her, even though I thought there were signs that he liked me. It’s a hard decision to make but it doesn’t have to be forever. Just for now.

[Asker]

Oh wow that sounds a lot like my situation. I was way too shy to say anything to him and I thought he liked me. She’s still not sure if he likes her back but he probably will eventually cause they keep talking. If you don’t mind me asking did your friend and him end up working out?

[Opinion Owner]

Of course not, feel free to ask whatever you want :). Ultimately no, they didn’t work but this was two, almost three years after they started their thing. It was never a true relationship like with a title on it. Also, they were super on and off. I had taken space from them for a few months, it was October through February of the next year, I also met someone that January unexpectedly and he really helped with moving on, like a great distraction. Once I came back around and saw them interacting with each other, it was a toxic dynamic and actually it gave me some closure to witness. Only because I realized that while yes he was a good person in general, great personality, sooo funny, very quiet and just so sweet; he wasn’t a good boyfriend. I think I would’ve never known because you think the nice guys automatically are gonna be the good ones.

[Asker]

Oh wow thank you so much for sharing. Definitely makes me feel better cause he is a nice guy but he’s never been in a relationship so I don’t know what he’s like in the sector. In my head I don’t see them working out but I could be bias.

Thank you for all your help I really appreciate it! You’ve made me feel so much better :)

[Opinion Owner]

No worries honestly! I know this is going to be difficult going forward but just trust the process of healing and don’t be afraid to create some distance from them if you need to, just for your own sake. Very true, they may not work out but hey, if you love her then all you can do is wish them the best with whatever way that situation goes, and focus on you. This too shall pass! You’ll be ok☺️

[USMC-Crossroads]

Honey... I know you won't do it... but my very best advice would be for you to do nothing. Being true to yourself I what sustains you, and it took me a LONG time to learn that doing additional things outside of what your normal behavior, is a really bad way to start or save a relationship, yada yada... You come across to me like a reasonable, rational chick, and Since you even bother to ask about it in the first place... I'd bet real money that you are going to be just fine, and I hope you see that you're acting on some feeling that are rooted in a good person.

I honestly want you to just ease-up, be cool, and trust that you actually are a good woman, and will certainly make the appropriate move when it comes.

[Asker]

Thank you so much everything you said is so nice! Made me tear up a little. I’m gonna take you advice and be true to who I am. Everyone keeps telling me it’s his loss and I’m going to start believing that. Thank you, you are so lovely 💕

[USMC-Crossroads]

Anytime!