Broke up. He told me he never had feelings for me, that he can't make me as happy as I make him, and I deserve better. Does he really mean any of this?

[Anonymous]

we dated for 6 months, he said we should split up cuz he never had feelings for me. He said that he can't make me as happy as i make him and that i deserved better. I called him out and said he was lying but he insisted that it was true and that i am an amazing woman.

Its so hard for me to believe that he never had feelings for me since he met my friends and they said they saw how interested and caring he was of me. Whenever I would go out with him he would never stop smiling from ear to ear, even if i did things that he hated or was annoyed by.

I guess it could be true since i dont think he really prioritized me. I met his parents but not his friends and he did cancel on me a few times.

I know the only thing i can do it move on but its making me question my ability to know if a guy likes me and if i need to work on myself like enforcing boundaries.

[SueShe]

This would be the typical excuse from a true coward that was actually only interested in fornicating with you but certainly not to be in a long term relationship with you.

He got what he wanted from you and now that he has no longer a use for you, this is the excuse he came up with. The so-called "honeymoon phase" is over because he knows you inside out and you represent no longer any physical interest to him. That is the sad truth about what guys see in a girl when their testosterone does all the talking and acting.

He probably already moved to the next victim but you should be glad that he ended it because you don't want to be caught wasting your entire youth with such a toxic person.

Don't waste a thought about how he misused you but concentrate first on your education. This should have top priority over anything else but mostly above any kind of relation. It is soon enough to get into a relation once you have your degree in your pocket. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. We never went all the way. Do you have any tips on what to look out for to prevent this from happening again?

[SueShe]

The problem at your age is that boys are slaves of their sexual hormones and have the urge to try it out, be it to prove something to themselves or to brag with buddies and colleagues.

Just think that until you reach at least the age of 25-30, this is what you will be faced with most guys that are after you. Unfortunately, you will often be taken as a target by men that are into no good and are not interested in a stable relationship but more how to get you.

You have to be careful and above all, not fall for compliments and other niceties. They are seldom meant.

[Vegasrunner]

@SueShe The age isn't relevant. This is what men want typically no matter the age because that's the only value women bring. After 6 months I can understand why he dumped her.

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO

[Vegasrunner]

@suesue No worries.

[Asker]

You're welcome :)

[Asker]

SueShe was thanking me not you lol

[Vegasrunner]

Lol, she's thanking you for providing you w/ advice? That's would be pretty bizarre.

[Asker]

No she's thanking me for giving her the Most Helpful Opinion (MHO) on her post

[Vegasrunner]

Why do you feel the need to share this information with me?

[Asker]

@Vegasrunner Why do you think everything is about you? LOL

[starlessdeath]

@Vegasrunner You're wrong. I did what this guy did but I didn't do it for sex or any other typical thing.
You cannot group all guys together nor all girls. @SueShe People are individuals and you never truly know why people do what they do. And yes I'm a straight dude. And yes I know this is a pink acc.

[Vegasrunner]

Im not sure what brought you to that conclusion but thanks for sharing.

[Vegasrunner]

@starlessdeath All this guy did is make a logical decision for himself. The girl is hurt and like w/ most gender issues she needs to validate that he was wrong and not her. People who use all as the prerequisite to make a decision are uneducated. Laws, rules and regulations throughout the world are made w/ out gathing insight from every single person they meet. Individuals have to make decisions based on the information at hand in this case, I've have enough experience to make a ressonable assumption based on the information provided. It's not the color that makes me think you're a female it's the language because as I have stated when women dont like something they typically only provide one of 3 respomses.
1. Exception - Not everyone
2. Equality - Men do it to
3. Emotion - who hurt you
Your answer false under #1 and just provides more data to validate my theory.

[BlueScorpio]

People can fake a lot things including their feelings and emotions towards you until they can get what they want. People wear mask all the time that's why people are shocked when they hear someone took their own life cause they always came off as the happiest person in the room.

But yes a lot guys will fake their feelings and Intentions just to get what they want from women. Is there a chance he could be lying about his feelings about you cause he's scared or thinks that will make the breakup easier? Maybe, but never really know. The best thing to do is just to let this one go and move on, this is a blessing in disguise cause it may give you the chance to find a care who genuinely cares about you later on in the future.

[Asker]

Do you have any tips for being more effective at vetting and being more assertive? I feel like while i do have boundaries but im too passive with enforcing and I don't know how to improve at that

[BlueScorpio]

Just tell them straight up what your requirements are for a relationship.

[SteveSmith1985]

This guy certainly had feelings for you. His claim to have never had feelings for you is a lie. 100% for sure.

You're interpreting those signs of his affection correctly. That was for sure, a guy who DID have feelings for you.

So why did he say that he doesn't? I can't tell you why exactly. It's possible it's half to convince himself that he never liked you (because he wants to break up because he doesn't feel he makes you happy or some other reason).

It could be a purely juvenile attempt to hurt you emotionally.

I'm not sure. But I AM sure that it's 100% bullshit.

Also, this isn't even INTERNALLY congruent. In other words, it makes no sense for someone to have never had feelings for you, yet at the same time say "you deserve better" or "I don't feel I'm making you happy." That makes no sense at all!

So, why he broke up with you, or how he feels about you NOW... I do not know.

But please please don't let this throw-you-off when it comes to interpreting signs of affection from guys in the future. You can basically ignore the "never had feelings for you' part. It is clearly untrue. It is meaningless. It's just words with no meaning behind them. You KNOW he had feelings for you. His saying that to you ought to ring hallow (because it is!)

🙂

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your post.

I think the questioning if someone actually likes me is because i felt like i wasn't a priority and i never met his friends but he met mine. Even the day of the breakup he was so happy and talking about future plans like going on a trip together so of course i felt so blindsided that at the end of our last date he said that we should split.

Im starting to feel like either i was just a convenient place holder until he got the girl he actually wanted or maybe he just isn't ready for a serious commitment. He was probably saying that i deserve better to lessen the blow of being dumped and he actually didn't mean it, even though its true.

Its not like i want to get back with him or anything. I just wanted to find out what I can do to prevent this from happening again and if i can trust myself to see the signs. Thank you again for your post!

[SteveSmith1985]

I think... basically, that this guy acted in a way NO OTHER GUY WILL ACT.

This is a weird one. I've seen a million-and-one breakups, and this is a weird one. Very weird.

Nobody who is planning to break up with someone at the end of the night is going to be talking about future plans. That's... insane. I've never ever heard of someone doing that before.

I am inclined to think that the TRUTH was more along the lines of him "thinking you deserve better". Also, it's entirely possible that his feelings for you waned over time (unless he was still all smiley and stuff up until the end).

I think that you were probably not a 'place-holder'. It takes a REAL asshole to date someone for that reason, and it almost never happens. Plus, he clearly DID like you at least at the beginning. Did you notice any change in that over time? Like did he seem to have stronger feelings near the beginning than he did at the end?

[SteveSmith1985]

I would be more inclined to think he isn't ready for a relationship. Or doesn't think that he's ready for the type of relationship you're wanting.

I don't know any of that for sure. But that's my inclination.

Now, I want to be careful here. I think that you DO need to listen to your instincts when it comes to 'not feeling like a priority'. If you were feeling that way... there were reasons that caused it. You SHOULD feel like your boyfriend's priority, and I don't want to make you second-guess any of your instincts when it comes to stuff like that.

I also think all your instincts in reading his signs of affection were also totally correct! Don't second-guess ANYTHING about your instincts when it comes to reading signs.

The ONLY THING I am telling you to 'question' (disregard) is the idea that he never had feelings for you. THAT part is not true.

It's also THAT part which is throwing-you off when it comes to reading signs in the future.

You're thinking:

"Wait... I thought he really liked me? I was so sure for X, Y, Z reasons! But apparently he didn't like me. Clearly I don't know what to look for when someone likes me. I am reading signs wrong, and coming to the wrong conclusions about whether or not a guy likes me"

What I'm saying to you is: "The part about not liking you is a lie".

If you're able to understand/believe that, then I think your entire delemma (when it comes to future guys) is solved!

[SteveSmith1985]

If this guy did like you (as you thought, and as he did). Then... you're basically dealing with a 'regular' breakup. That's difficult enough. But you DO NOT need to re-evaluate how you read signs and signals from guys. In fact, you are doing all that correctly, so if you do try and change something about it... you'll be screwing yourself over.

Try and get into your head that he DID have feelings for you (because he clearly did), and DON'T change how you're doing things going forward. The only thing to change would be to speak-up in the future if you don't feel like your boyfriend's priority. But you know when a guy likes you. Don't question that part. 🙂

[Asker]

Yea i thought it was weird, my friends who are older with a lot more dating experience thought it was weird. Its really the reason why I posted on here, because it seems weird and i can't get my head around it.

On our way to our date i felt something off and thought he had bad day at work or something but he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him about some future plans like oh there's this event in a few weeks want to go? and he said yes... During our date he was very smiley and joked around with me like usual. On our way home, i kept seeing that he looked sad and angry? and when he dropped me off home thats when he said he wanted to split up.

I honestly didn't think anything was wrong till a few days before the break up. he was just being short with texting me but i didn't think he was going to break up. I asked him multiple times if he was ok and he said yes all the time. I wasn't going to keep pressuring him but i also didn't thinkn it had anything to do with me.

I don't know if this makes sense, cuz I've honestly replayed the whole relationship and breakup and i still dont understand LOL.

[Asker]

Just saw the rest of your replies and wow you are so helpful thank you so much! I wish i couldve given you an MHO

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh to be honest, yes this all makes perfect sense.

I don't mean that his reasons are clear to me or anything. Just that, aside from him telling you he never liked you; this is a typical breakup.

Now it isn't uncommon to not think anything is wrong until right before the breakup. He likely didn't spend much time between deciding he wanted to end things, and ending them (which is a good thing). So it's not unusual for everything to seem fine until near the very end.

Now, if his talking about future plans on the date was in the form of: You bringing up a plan for you two in the future, and him agreeing to it (while knowing he's about to break up with you). If THAT'S the case, then it makes it way way less weird that he'd 'talk about future plans just before breaking up'.

It's one of those unavoidably awkward situations that would have been a difficult moment for him too. He is faced with a choice: Either 'lie' about wanting to go to this thing in the future, or break up with you now (like right now, as in the next time he opens his mouth).

It's actually really not easy to break up with someone. So, he decided "at the end of the night" was going to be when he did it. He felt blindsided and unprepared to do it IN THAT MOMENT where you asked about going to this future event. So, he chose to lie knowing you'd get the truth very shortly. Honestly, I can't blame him for that. I think most people would have reacted that way in the moment.

[SteveSmith1985]

It's STILL weird as hell that he's trying to say he never liked you. Thats' an obvious lie, plus (I don't know if he fully understands this) it's a lie that's OBVIOUSLY going to be hurtful to you!

That seems incongruent with the rest of how things went. I get the impression that this guy wasn't wanting to go out of his way to make this breakup more painful than it needs to be. But that's exactly what him saying that is going to do.

Since it's not even true, I'm left wondering "why the fuck would he SAY that?"

Is there any chance that this guy might think that the breakup would be EASIER on you, if you thought he never liked him? (through some misguided thinking that I don't pretend to understand or be familiar with). Like is there any way, maybe, that he thought it might help you "move on" to think he didn't ever have feelings for you?

[Asker]

He actually said he had been thinking about it for awhile... and I dont think he thought saying what he did would make it easier on me... he just said that he wanted to be honest and that he never had feelings. I know lines like "you deserve better" is bs most people say in any breakup so i called him out but he doubled down and said no its true and that im one of the best girls he's ever met

but i think what you said is right, that he isn't ready for a relationship or doesn't think that he's ready for the type of relationship im wanting. And to make HIM feel less guilty about it, he said something hurtful to me to justify it? or maybe he never did have feelings but stayed with me so long because he liked the idea of me and see if feelings would develop but they never did.

yea I don't know but i really REALLY appreciate your time in writing these responses

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, I think he isn't ready for the relationship you're wanting. And I think you very well might be right in saying that he claimed to have never liked you to make HIM feel less guilty. That makes some sort of twisted sense. Like it helps him to not feel like HE is losing anything (because, again, it's really not easy to break up with someone).

Now, he certainly DID have feelings for you at one point (where you were describing his behavior). Whether or not those feeling LASTED the whole time or not? That I can't say (based on what I know about your situation).

You might very well be right that he stayed with you longer than his feelings lasted. But I don't think you're right about him not STARTING with feelings, and hoping they'd develop over time. Evidence all points to him liking you when you got together.

What still doesn't seem to make sense to me is the incongruency between: ON the one hand, he seems to be wanting to 'soften the blow' of breaking up with you. While on the other hand, he says some shit that is going to clearly make the breakup more hurtful.

THat's confusing for me. Usually, the guy who wants to hurt you (by saying he never liked you) isn't also going to say things like "you deserve better".

Usually, the guy who DOESN'T want to hurt you, and says shit like "you deserve better" would NEVER also say "I never had feelings for you" EVEN IF THAT WERE IN FACT TRUE.

A guy who doesn't want to be a dick about it (most guys) would never say that during a breakup EVEN IF IT WERE TRUE. I can't figure out what this guy was hoping for when saying these contradictory things.

[Asker]

Your guess is as good as mine lmao. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your posts. I can finally move on and not overthink this whole thing. breaking up was the best for the both of us even though it really hurt :)

[SteveSmith1985]

You're quite welcome. And yes, DON"T overthink this. There is a real danger of that in this particular situation. He didn't give you enough information about what's going on in his head for 'overthinking' to get you anywhere.

Most of all, don't second-guess whether you know what it looks like when a guy likes you. You DO know. Don't change anything on that front.

Otherwise, honestly, you sound like you're doing exceptionally well in how you're handling the breakup. You're going to be just fine. And you're going to move on just fine. Just please don't let this guy fuck with your head when it comes to interpreting signs and signals for guys. If you avoid that trap, you're gonna be just fine. 🙂

[AviatorTom]

Only you can decide if he was being truthful or not. A boy his age is undergoing lots of hormonal changes, even more than you are as a girl. And that causes him to do things he might not otherwise do.

IMHO, from your description, he sounds truthful. He thought you and he might have something together, and as time went on, he realized that didn't happen, so he's being honest with you now... that's good for both of you.

Consider yourself fortunate to have known him, and to experience your first breakup. There will likely be others before you find the right boy for you. You're young, and have many experiences ahead of you. Best Wishes... enjoy life.

[Asker]

Why would it take 6 months to decide if we might have something together... wouldn't it be a lot sooner especially if he didn't have any feelings? Like did he just like the idea of me and thought yea worth a shot and tried to develop feelings but it didn't happen?

[AviatorTom]

Your analysis is probably correct. In the grand scheme of things, 6 months is not a long time.

[Summeroflove]

I assume so. I’m sorry. I’m sure it hurts. But it’s better someone be honest in a nice way. Even if the truth hurts. It’s better then someone lying and it being worse later on.

I just don’t think it’s meant to be. I think you need some friends for supper maybe even a professional and need to grieve loosing him and eventually you’ll find someone else.

You probably are amazing it’s just not meant to be and you’re not the right woman for him and he ain’t the right man for you.

It’s possible he really was fond of you but the romantic or sexual attraction simply never developed for you.

The truth is I’m not a psychic and neither are you. It’s hard to read minds so. There is no telling exactly.

But be glad he told the truth. You would rather him not lie to you. So that you both can find who makes you happy.

[Guy13]

Probably not but hard to say.

[Avicenna]

It could be his way of moving on

[midnightmoon05]

1. Attraction - she is pretty (in his eyes)

2. Ask her out - yes she said yes!!
3. goes out a few times - realized not what he thought… fear would hurt her
4. waited…

5. Decided to cut it off

(he is a good guy.., not wasting your time or using you then go look for other girls.)

understand how attraction works.

It’s not all about you.
you can date the next guy for two months then realized it’s not what you are looking for. All normal for your age.

you will find your prince soon dear.

[Asker]

feel like he wouldve cut it off sooner than 6 months if that was true and also.. why would he have a fear of hurting someone... ?

[Finchie40]

It sounds like you were dating a Narcissist , He only cares about himself and probably latching on to his next victim , Look at this way , 6 months isn’t that bad of wasting your time with someone that only cares about themselves , in a way you are kind of lucky , I put up with it for 15 years of my life with my ex narcissist So Don’t beat yourself up over it , realize you did nothing wrong , they were the problem not you , realize you deserve better , and that you will find better , someone that will stand by you no matter what and not use you for their convenience. They are out there just harder to find these days , but again , do not beat yourself up over his decision, for a relationship to work both partners have to remove selfishness for each other and wear each others shoes before making decisions , if someone can’t do that for you then they don’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve you

[Asker]

Thank you for your input and im sorry to hear about what you went through. I hope you found/will find your person!

[Finchie40]

Thank you and I am still searching but I know she is out there , just trying to play my cards right this time around

[CrazyGirl2]

I don’t know for sure, as I don’t know him and have never even met him. However it does sound like a EITHER a BS excuse to dump you after getting what he wanted from you which was sex! Or, it could be a “perfect” (albeit selfish) excuse to get out of the relationship w/o feeling guilty, if you were not giving him sex! Guys can be like that… They LOVE our warm moist leaky lady bits!

[hafinjun]

6 months never had feelings for you but he was willing to have sex with you wasn't he dick head dump him who cares if he means what he says or not if he doesn't then he's a damn fool, if he did mean it why did it take him 6 months to figure out he didn't have feelings for you I guess a stiff dick truly has no conscience I'm sorry this had to happen to you especially my holidays Good luck I hope you find somebody worthwhile Happy Thanksgiving

[Asker]

we never had sex but maybe that reason why he dumped me, cuz we didn't go all the way XD

[hafinjun]

I'll bet it wouldn't have mattered, but good for you, hope you have a good Thanksgiving

[Voldra]

Either one of two things in my opinion, take your pick.

#1 He got what he wanted from you, it was too easy & he's exiting stage.

#2 He's a good man that's insecure about his ability to provide a life he thinks you deserve & letting you go to find better option/s.

If I were a betting man & with the little information you provided I'd bet it was the former & not the latter.

[Asker]

hmm think there might be a 3rd option of him finding interest in someone else... though that could also be related to the 1st option. But what do you mean that it was too easy?

[Voldra]

I'm not saying it's right but I'll be straight up with how a lot of men think. Many of us will view women in two categories; marriage material or frivolous.

[loveslongnails]

That's just something guys say, especially at your age, because they think it builds you up while making themselves look like the bad guys. He had feelings for you for a while, but he either decided he wants to be solo, or he doesn't want you because he's got his eyes on someone else. That's the hard line.

[Asker]

Yea thats why I called him out and said he was a liar because it felt like he was trying to make me feel better about being dumped but i dont think he actually believed it even though its true, i deserve better and he didn't want to be that guy for whatever reason.

[loveslongnails]

It's at least a 50/50 shot that he already had someone else in mind, don't you think?

[Asker]

Yea its starting to look like i was just a convenient placeholder until he was able to get the person he really wanted but ill never know for sure

[loveslongnails]

And it doesn't REALLY matter if you do, does it?

[rienna888]

screw him and make yourself as smart and as beautiful as possible for revenge

[rienna888]

He didn’t deserve and he wasted 6 months of your time but it’s a great lesson

[Asker]

You could say he also wasted his time. whats the point of being with someone you dont have feelings for? that time couldve been spent with someone he actually wanted lol

[rienna888]

I feel like he did love you, just ignore him and he might come back

[Asker]

i dont think someone who loves you would say that they never had feelings.. they might instead say they dont love you anymore and i also dont think he would come back since he said he won't say the bs people do at breakups where the ask to be friends but said that if i were to message him he won't ghost.. but thank you for your input

[rienna888]

:( it's okay, it'll take time but you will get through it and come out strong af

[Asker]

Thank you very much :) I've been blaming myself a lot and trying to figure out if i did something wrong but i realized, its all on him and i truly deserve better. It sucks that sometimes the best lessons hurt the most

[rienna888]

No problem, you really cannot blame yourself. You tried your best in the relationship, and it's his fault blame him. Start to think about all his imperfections and download a dating app. That's how I got over an ex when he ghosted me after our two year relationship, just to finally reply to me a month later, when I was constantly messaging him, that he was in a relationship and is happy now -.-. I downloaded a dating app and went on dates with guys i'm attracted to, got over him almost instantly and also met a guy who is 100 times nicer.

[OddBeMe]

Ehh, sounds like hogs wash. But either way, dodged a bullet. Move on.
He’s either telling the truth and is so incompetent or lacking of self confidence you wouldn’t want him.
Or he’s lying just to date other chicks and you definitely don’t want him.

[DermalPunch]

He wants to make you hate him as much as possible so there is no way you will take him back. He'll come crawling back when he's finished dating the other girl. Don't take him back when he pops back around with his excuses.

[Asker]

oh.. you think he mightve cheated or at least been interested in another girl?

[DermalPunch]

99.5% sure. This is the textbook exit to go get with other girls. Sorry it's just how guys roll. I know. They suck.

[DermalPunch]

And honestly, he may really like you the most but sometimes they just can't pass up a great pair of tits.

[AbbasAlsa]

It sounds you are young and not accepting the true of others individual feeling of you because that is one side love, I felt like you before. Unfortunately, I hate to break it up to you; move on with it and you will find someone is worth of you and your time with him.

[AbbasAlsa]

I was also not accepting the truth and I wanted to be with her but I had realized I am trying to couch mirage or hold water in bare hands. But now I regret that I was having some feels for some one not worth it of me.

[Asker]

I was blindsided, i didn't know it was one sided and now im scared it will happen again.

[victoriaxoxo]

Why would you assume he lied? Like do you have any actual reason why you think he could've lied? If no then take it at face value.

[Asker]

Why would he spend 6 months with someone he had no feelings for? Why would he tell me that he can't make me as happy as I make him if he had no feelings?

[victoriaxoxo]

6 months is about the average time it take for me to figure out if I have feelings for someone. He is saying you're really nice to him and he can't do the same for you because it doesn't feel genuine, it feels force/doesn't come naturally.

[anonanonanonomys]

Sometimes the love and attraction are there but not the spark of excitement. I have been on the receiving end of that energy and then I have experienced being the one who feels that way.

[slatyb]

"he never had feelings for me" -- that's probably true. Pay no attention to what he said -- it's just breakup bullshit.

[Asker]

Got any advice on how to tell if a guy is leading me on... I really thought the feeling was mutual...

[slatyb]

What do you mean by "leading you on" ? Do you mean feigning affection to get sex? There's an easy solution. Have sex only because YOU want to have sex, and accept that you can't trade sex for love or commitment. If, at the moment, you would rather not have sex, then don't.

[Asker]

We never had sex so what i mean is how do i know if a guy is actually interested in me and has feelings? Why would he continue to pursue me for 6 months if he didn't have feelings? He wasted my time cuz i thought we would keep dating and he wasted his time cuz he couldve been dating someone he actually wanted

[DeeDeeDeVour]

He's lying.

He had feelings for you but he now wants to end the relationship.

He believes saying hurtful things would convince you to set him free.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yes, he is absolutely lying!!
He can't say on the one hand that he never had feelings for you and then at the same time say that you make him feel good and that you're too good for him. That doesn't make any damn sense.

[Asker]

I think its true he never had feelings me, him telling me that i deserve better and that he can't make me happy is just typical break up lines that he only said to soften the blow of dumping me. If he really believed that, why did he dump me and not communicate he had any issues or even try to be better for me?

[Jamie05rhs]

True. You're absolutely right.