What's your opinion on guys paying for the first date?

Question

Hey, I ask the above question because lately, I've been going on dates where I paid the check, and I thought the date went well, but I end up being ghosted afterwards. I was under the belief that if the guy invites the girl to a date, that he pays for it, but I now think that could be outdated advice with all the people out there who just pretend to like you in order to get a free dinner. I'm just tired of wasting money on these people that I feel could be right for me, then end up ghosting me. It's bad enough that they wasted my time, but they also wasted my money. I started talking to this other lady lately, and, at the time of me writing this, I haven't asked her out, but she is getting there. I want to just do 50/50 this time around, and I figure if she wants me, she'll stick around and won't be petty enough to want free stuff from me. What do you think?

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

I'm 66. If you're going out for the first time, I see absolutely no reason to not go Dutch. I have no idea why this isn't and hasn't been done all the time. I have enough money to pay my way and if it's a coffee date or something really small, and short, OK one person or the other might want to get the check. But to EXPECT that he man ALWAYS pays is simply wrong.

It's simple and easy to say, "I choose to go Dutch or that we split the check. Is that OK with you?" Another way to avoid being Bank of America is to choose coffee dates or walk in the park dates when the weather's good. Another short date is a farmer's market date where you can grab a coffee or pastry and sit nearby or walk around the market talking about the offerings. A bike ride date is also something that's easy on the budget. Stop later for some water or a soft drink. There is absolutely no need to have a meal with a stranger! And no need to pay for anyone but yourself. Breakfast is the least expensive meal of the day. Try a diner. Lunch and dinner can dent your budget. I had a lovely breakfast with a gentleman and was prepated to pay for myself when he insisted because we'd both had a very good time. I told him I was leaving the tip and he was OK with that. I wasn't going to arm wrestle him for the check. But I never EXPECTED it.

I was steer far and wide away from women who DO expect it. There's something wrong with their expectations AND their values. And they have an inflated idea of their importance, and frankly, I think they're cheap. I wasn't raised that way and I'm wondering what's up with parents who are teaching their daughters to act in this manner. Mom always said have enough money to pay your way and take a taxi.

Golden instructions.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The most important thing is doing what you are comfortable with. You are justified to go half, you are not obligated to pay. It's the kindness of your heart and the fact that you're a good guy, that you are paying for them. But it's always ok in my book, for the women in your life to prove to you that they are worthy of your time, patience and money if you decide to spend your hard earned money on them. A lot of old school dating expectations aren't really expected anymore. Though, it depends on how the person was raised of course and if they're still holding onto that mentality.

For me personally my parents raised me with the idea that the guy is paying for my company. But I don't hold onto that forced gender role if the guy isn't comfortable with it. I also don't expect it. I feel bad to expect the guy to pay for everything. I want to treat him too and make him feel special too. Going half is also 100% fine. I know guys paying for dates is something that regularly gets taken advantage of and that's really awful and sad when I hear that. I wish it didn't happen. I'd like to personally apologize for all the women that made you feel used and hurt you.

ManOnFire · Accepted Answer

If you're not in an actual relationship yet, you shouldn't be paying for her. Once upon I time used to believe in paying for the date, but not anymore. Too many women today are users and hope to get free prizes, yet they will think it's wrong for a guy to want free sex. Both are bad, but you can't complain if you want free prizes too. One of my exes and I always went 50/50 on our dinner dates - in the beginning she actually wanted to pay for everything but I wouldn't let her, I just didn't feel right about that, so I always put in my half cuz I'm not a dick who wants free stuff. One of my female friends pays her half too when we go out, but deep down I think she always wants me to pay because she's used to having guys do that for her.

Having said all that, I don't think that's why the women ghosted you, because I went on a date once with a girl who did pay her half and she still ended up ghosting me. So it's not that they got free stuff, it's that they probably turned out not to be so interested after that first date and just weren't woman enough to let you know upfront. Getting free stuff was just a bonus for them.

But rule of thumb for guys today: pay your half and nothing more. Let her know up front before sitting down to eat "Hey, would it be okay if we both paid for the meal/drinks?" It not only saves you disappointment if she doesn't want to go on another date, but you will also find out about her based on how she reacts to that. She can think you're broke, an asshole, not a gentleman - whatever, that's her issue. But you are setting boundaries by making things clear. And if she wants to call the date off for that, then you find out right away she's not worth your time.

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

That’s an unfortunate reality for men. There are a lot of women out there who are disingenuous on this topic, but there is an abundance actual empirical research on the matter if you’re interested. My favorite study to talk about tested the disparity between what women say versus what they do. In a poll asking whether or not women prefer men who pay for dates, roughly two thirds suggested they’d rather split the bill or even pay his way. The same researchers then polled men as to whether or not they’ve had women pay for them on dates, and whether or not they’ve had follow up dates with women that split the bill with them. The affirmative responses for both questions were almost negligible. There are published social experiments available where you can observe for yourself the reactions of women when men choose not to pay their way. I haven’t seen one yet where she handles it gracefully, let alone eagerly.
In summary, if you want any chance at a ‘next’ date, you better pay for the one you’re on.
Are there exceptions? Of course. I’ve even met one in my lifetime. But they are still exceptions to an overwhelming rule. Once i put the expectation to either go Dutch or do something that doesn’t cost us anything on the first date, the only women who ever responded did so just to bitch and argue about the definition of a date. Ell oh ell! The question you have to ask yourself is, “How patient can I be?”. If you’re in no rush, start going Dutch or splitting the bill. Chances are you’ll meet at least one exceptional woman in your lifetime. If i did, anyone can. If you’re lonely and desperate, keep throwing money at the problem. It’ll eventually go away. Ell oh ell!

SteveSmith1985 · Answer

I'm sorry you've been ghosted man. But... I can guarantee you that it wasn't because you paid for the date. That's for sure.

Most women DO still like/expect a guy to pay for a first date if the guy asked them out. Some women might object (sincerely, or as performance). But the can't-go-wrong, safe-bet is to pay for the FIRST date. That is definitely not the cause of the ghosting.

No woman will have an issue with a guy paying (or trying to) on a first date.

SOME women will have an issue (they'd never tell you) with being asked to go 50/50 on a FIRST date (it's totally reasonable to go 50/50 if you continue dating the same person multiple times).

So I cannot give any insight into why you were ghosted (based on the info here anyway), aside from telling you that it's DEFINITELY NOT because you paid. You're barking up the wrong tree

BlueScorpio · Answer

I'm not fond of going on dates just to get a free meal if that's what some of these girls are doing. I don't need to go on date just to get something to eat, I can eat at home or take myself out to dinner without a date.

With that being said, a lot guy think by going on date these days should automatically mean the girl should want them, be with them, or have sex with them and that's not the case. They may have been really interested, decided to give going on date with you a shot, but found out that the both of you aren't compatible for whatever reason. Now as far as ghosting.

I do think they should have the courtesy of telling you it's not working for them. I dislike ghosting and find it immature, so hose girls are not worth it. I'm you want you cam try the talking stage first before going on a official date just to get to know them better.

Guy13 · Answer

Not directed at you individually, okay? I have a different approach which is dates and commitment of Time. I don’t want nor do I need any “thing” she has outside of a character and personality that is serious, intentional, and gracious.

If she is these things sharing Time will be a want and not a drudgery steeped in laziness. And frankly 2.5 hours and do what we can in together time is more schedule friendly. Firstly, does she have Basic Life and Economic Skills. Money and Means is not the Issue, rather, serious person is the issue.

Truthfully all you Momma Boys, I am with the women on this…stop the no backbone, whining, and bitching and solve the Problem.-Whose going to F, much less marry, someone that can’t lead, present a vision, and administrate the stated Plan.
What do you want from the Woman…”Doesn’t he already gave a Momma-I’m not it” running through her head 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

jennifer_bloom · Answer

The girl I used to be friends with says her boyfriend paid for the first date and for future dates they divided who paid equally or took turns paying for each other. Her boyfriend was more educated and made more money then her but he wanted to know she was dating him with the intention of getting married one day and not using him for food and money benefits so to test her loyalty he made her pay for half their food dates. He still did 100% of the driving and their friends were hers and not his. A high status woman might not stick around if you don't pay cause guys who pay will offer their hand before you do.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. Maybe you should have a first date/first meeting over a cup of coffee instead of dinner.

2. You can't always know when a woman is going to ghost you but if it keeps happening repeatedly, maybe you are doing something that's contributig to the problem. Maybe you are selecting the wrong women, or saying/doing something that is chasing them away.

3. At my age, women don't accept a first date just to get a free meal. I guess there are a few advantages to being older.

coachTanthony · Answer

These comments below are silly and ridiculous. If you pursue a woman, ask her out, go on a date then expect her to pay anything then you aren't a real man.

Real men pay for the first date and every other date. If you want to be respected as a man and a leader then for god sakes... pay for a woman's plate of food. If you ask for her to pay.. you are a pussy in my opinion. Come at me.

Changiis07 · Answer

It's best to go for coffee and if they stick around then that means they enjoyed your company and will see how it goes. I don't like going to dinner or going with the mentality of getting a free meal if I have no intentions of dating so I usually just go for coffee and then I also decide if they are worth me getting to know them. So stick with something more simple so that you are not wasting too much money.

Summeroflove · Answer

It’s very nice because it isn’t required. That’s why you do it.

silvermoon84 · Answer

Try going dutch on the first few dates. I think it’s nice when a guy pays and I definitely don’t ask him to do it or complain if he does do it however I prefer dutch treat because it entails no pressure or investment to a second date if either myself or him (or both) doesn’t feel a connection or any desire for a second date. If he pays and I don’t feel any further interest on my part, I often feel bad because he paid for my meal and I feel like I used him and assuming he wants a second date I don’t want him to feel like he wasted money on a girl who wasn’t feeling it. Also, he doesn’t have to waste any money paying for me if the shoe is on the other foot and he doesn’t want to see me again. Another reason I suggest going dutch is because it tests the level of HER interest in YOU. If she agrees, great. If she doesn’t and just says “you’re the man, either you pay or fuck off” then bye Felicia.

Edentina · Answer

My opinion is no one should have undue expectations. What do I mean?
I am a lady, and if a guy asks me out on a date, I don't automatically expect him to cover all the expenses so I show up with empty pockets, nope. I have something with me. If he decides to cover the bill, I very much appreciate that and won't object. If he shares with me beforehand that he only has enough to cover his order, I will either choose to pay for mine or don't eat at all (I probably have food I have cooked at home waiting for me when I get back). So everything boils down to communication as opposed to expecting one person to pay or for it to be equally shared.

melanieeeB · Answer

Just cause you pay, doesn't make the other person obligated to date you for longer!

I personally see him paying on the first date as him being serious about getting to know me and not just seeing me as something casual. As if he is already ready to invest in me emotionally too and him respecting my time.

I do reject guys if they don't pay at the first date that they invited me to and it's not for financial reasons cause afterwards I don't care who pays. I have no problem paying or whatsoever and I'm someone who pays most of the time for my friends and partners. I can afford that, but it's more about the principle of what I explained above.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

I rather pay for my own meal. I don't feel comfortable having someone pay for me when I did nothing in return. We barely know eachother. Why invest in somrone when you don't know if it will work out?

You can show me that you want something serious by just telling me so, by going on more dates, not pushing, ...

If you think I am worth it, go ahead. I won't hold it against you. But if we barely know eachother, and you say I am worth it I won't believe you. I find it to expect to be paid. I am here to find a serious relationship just as much as him, and I am not looking for a free meal. I am going dutch!

Coyote12 · Answer

So unfortunately us guys draw the short stick on that. We are expected to pay on the first date. But if you think about it this way, be glad they ghost you and not keep going out with you and keep using you. But here is a test you could do. Say you have to use the restroom and when you get up "drop" a $5 or $10 bill by her. If she picks it up and gives it back then you know she has good intentions and you should pay for her meal. But if she keeps it, then that's a $5-$10 lesson (plus your meal of course lol) and I'd 50/50 the bill.

PeacefulRainDrop · Answer

Depends sometimes they expect you owe them something so I always say separate if he insists on together I'm thankful. I think it's a great act of character just thinking back on all my relationships the ones that paid showed more of an effort in getting to know me. But been in a relationship for years and he still treats me every once in awhile which means a lot!

Wisdom-Strength-Love · Answer

Tell the next one , she has to pay as an investment because you will cover the next 2 datrs, 3 if she's lucky but you still deciding if she qualifies for the premium plan. Then tell her not to worry cause you had a late lunch so dinner will be a light cost. Probably just The tbone or porterhouse steak.. and just a water with a lemon wedge. You mid cleanse

Looksnicholas · Answer

Depends, I like the idea of a 50-50 split, but if the third or fourth date was ongoing, I would like to think the gentleman pays. That said, I can see though why yeah, ghosting, people wanting a free meal, can seem harsh or seem disappointing, and so maybe 50-50 splits are always just the way to go, in a modern context, or what am I saying, lol 😅 I'm single and haven't dated, ever. However, I've been stood up though. ☺️

HighValue · Answer

Each person should pay their own way. If you pay, you will just get used by the immoral greedy women. I have worked with many women and plenty of them, even the married ones with kids go out with other guys to get free stuff. It is quite common for them to just use men for their money/resources.

sonic_fever · Answer

I think we should pay but also I understand that it may not lead to what you want. My opinion, don’t go crazy on the first date. Something casual. A restaurant chain or bar. No need to take her out on a 5 star restaurant dinner. I’ve also had women who insisted they pay for the check in return I offer to go out for drinks after dinner on me. Women if they like you will offer to pay.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m not the type of women to try and use a guy or get anything materialistic. So yes I would prefer a guy pay on the first date. I pay for my own life and so forth and do not want expensive gifts so dinner occasionally especially on the first date is a common curtesy I believe.

art84 · Answer

My dad used to tell me that the guy pays for everything when he was dating in the 70's and 80's. Now if I was dating I would just pay for my own food and her pay for her own food. Unless she of course wants me to pay for everything for some reason like she forgot her purse.

Voldra · Answer

Call me old fashioned but if I ask I pay, I also open doors & will court a women if I think it will lead to something serious. I'm VERY selective when pursuing. I think you should invest some time into learning social ques & how to read & manipulate your own body language.

OddBeMe · Answer

Chivalry doesn’t seem likely to end. Not a big deal.

Men’s rights a holes will always use it against feminists. And girls will always use it to get free drinks at bars.

There’s a philosophy of what’s “popular is true” or something to that effect. Where if it’s apart of everyday life it becomes factual. Like dictionaries adding meme words every year…

dragoblack · Answer

First date is always split, because it shows whether she is there for a free meal or actually interested. Yeah, a guy offering to pay is a show of financial stability & responsibility, but if you split on the first date at a cafe, if it doesn't work out you both end up not feeling ripped off or used.

DCowboy4747 · Answer

I was raised that the man pays for every date and that is what I do. It is getting harder and harder to find ladies who were raised with the same values I was. You can't give up, maybe just spend a little longer chatting and getting to know each other or do something simple such as take them out for coffee or just drinks. It would be cheaper nd you will get a better picture of what both of you are looking for.

Sirenboobzilla · Answer

It's nice maybe on the first date. But one should always go with the expectation of covering themselves. I do suggest guys pay attention to how a girl they're dating reacts to possibly having to pay

Kori1236 · Answer

I know there are people that go on dates for free meals. That’s not something I personally do; but I’ve also learned to always pay my half because it seems in the guys mind that if me pays he’s entitled to sex.

RandomGuy1030 · Answer

If you wanna date then date. Be happy with the meal with her. If she wanna move on right after the date then so be it.

One thing is for sure, dont buy her food because you want to push her into a relationship. Thats disgusting behavior (you may not realize you're doing, subconsciously)

Anonymous · Answer

It's 2022. I expect a woman to offer to pay her share of the first date. If she doesn't offer, she won't get a second date. If she pays her share but won't have a second date with me, she has done me a favor by showing her true colors early on so I won't have to waste more time on her to find out.

kaylaS91 · Answer

It’s a nice gesture but I wouldn’t mind paying or going Dutch. If a guy gets huffy after paying because he feels like by paying, he secured my interest though? No thankyou.

LazerBean · Answer

Maybe try having a longer talking over the phone phase. I think maybe women who are just wanting a free meal won't want to invest a lot of time into doing so.

Twalli · Answer

I think guys should always pay for the first date and be able to pay for all subsequent dates. They should pay, but they should be able to. I think guys should pay for dates about 60% of the time.

Fireguy17 · Answer

boy that happens a lot. I have bought so many 1st meals with no second meals, but welcome to dating. Woot woot!

DaisyM23 · Answer

Yeah, I think people should just pay for what they order/eat

Sparkie460 · Answer

I'm old fashioned I pay for every date. I've been married for 30 years and I'm still paying. On an occasion my wife will insist on paying the whole bill with my money. Lol

Nominal · Answer

Pay full the price. U know with who u going on date for a dinner. But not the dinner is the important shit to focus on. She ghosted, u know she is the moron, because what kind of lady would ghost you? XD wtf, she is street smart. XD

rienna888 · Answer

I usually let the guy pay for the first meal and most of them will pay the second meal too, I try to offer. You could try to 50/50

TroyDT2 · Answer

I always do something mellow for the first two meetups. If she is only there for the food, she will be gone by then.

Kusz76 · Answer

Each to their own, I think most girls would insist on paying half but I’d always offer to pay the bill

CuriousMufuxka · Answer

Go dutch and stop being the free meal guy. The first date, unless getting to "know" each other first is an interview with food. A walk and talk is better and free!

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's normal, but that you don't have to. I like it because I have no money, (though I'm gonna get a job soon, I'm closer than ever), but I wouldn't mind too much if a guy didn't as long as I came prepared with my parent's money.

dudeinohio · Answer

Yes. It is traditional for the guy to pay for the first date.

Luopio27 · Answer

How about this idea.  Let the woman pay the first date.  I mean ladies first.

LimitedBenefits101 · Answer

If you are paying and not getting sex you have been USED.

Amur8711 · Answer

If he asked her out, its expected and its proper in general.

Anonymous · Answer

Leave men alone. They have back breaking jobs because of their family and they die 10 years shorter then women.

dustybiker · Answer

I wouldn’t let that happen. I like fairness.

DermalPunch · Answer

Cost of doing business.

exitseven · Answer

The guy always pays.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

If he wants to I won't argue.

sheenagwapa · Answer

so hot

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