Why would he get offended if I pay him back?

[Cali86]

A love interest took me on a trip. He paid for most of the things. Now I want to pay him back.

I told my friend this and they said it would be offensive to pay it back. I don't see why? Wouldn't a guy want to be paid back for a trip he spent on?

[OlderAndWiser]

Some women feel that if a guy pays for something like a trip, the guy expects her to give him sex in return. For those women, repaying the debt menas cancelling the obligation, and such guy will take that as a rejection.

For some guys - hopefully him - he intended the trip as a gift, with no reciprocal obligation, as a sign of his feelings for you. Repaying him is like rejecting his gift, rejecting his feelings.

Get it?

[Cali86]

Ok that is a clearer way of saying it.

I just thought that since it was a significant amount of money, he should be repaid esp since he didn't have to do such a grand gesture. And it's not like I'm rejecting his feelings. It's more doing him a favor.

[OlderAndWiser]

That would be your intention, but not how it would be perceived.

[Cali86]

Well I just think that's ridiculous. I thought any person would appreciate money. I'm kind of doing him a favor giving it back

[OlderAndWiser]

You are thinking about it ONLY from YOUR perspective. How he sees it is different because. . . he's a guy and we think differently than women. It may not make sense to you but the difference is very real.

Do you have a hard time being gracious and accepting a gift?

[Cali86]

No, I like gifts. But grand gifts are unnecessary

[OlderAndWiser]

Unncessary but it probably made him happy and proud to be able to give you that gift. If you repay it, it tarnishes the fact that it was a gift.

[crossdressingrihno]

He’s a man and paying for dates is a important part of being on a date. Paying him back is basically revoking his manhood and his gift to a potential love interest. It’s basically the same as him paying you back for a birthday present.


If you like him after the date and want to pay him back then just buy him a present or tell him you had a good time and want to do it again.

[Cali86]

But I'm not actually revoking his gift. I appreciated the thought and gesture. I just didn't think he needed to do all that and spend that much on me

[JessicaEarl]

Sounds like he was giving you a gift, and you’re trying to give it back as in you’re not interested in receiving it. Instead of trying to reverse something he did, do something new for him

[wittymilf]

The best way to pay him back is to do something special for him in return, money is cold transaction.

[Friendlybro79]

You technically don't know if he would be offended (unless he told you he would) but some people would be offended. It's not wrong to pay him back but he might have taken you on the trip as a gift to you. Your gestures could be taken as you are returning his gift that he got you.

The reason some people are saying it's offensive is because of traditional social norms that this is something a guy pays for to a love interest or SO. That's all. Depending on how he personally feels about this will determine how he reacts.

[Cali86]

He did mention he would be offended if I offered to pay him back for the trip. But i just don't understand. I told him I appreciated what he did but i also know he spent a lot. So its not fair that he spent that much.

[chaser3233]

I’m in agreement with this poster!

[Friendlybro79]

I'm not sure what you don't understand then. I think you do understand but just don't agree with someone paying for you because they wanted to. There's also nothing wrong with that if you don't want to feel like you owe anyone anything. If your stance is still, you don't understand, then you have to submit to the understanding that you don't have to understand why someone is offended if you reject reasons behind it. That said, I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to pay him back. You're possibly making this too complicated by having to understand why. Just pay him back, if it's more important to you do that, and offend him.

If that's not clear, I'm saying stop worrying about why he's going to be offended and decide what's more important to you. Paying him back or offending him. You're old enough to understand sometimes people just like to treat a SO to a vacation regardless of the price. He's an adult too and should understand some people don't want them paying for them.

[Cali86]

I thought men would love to get paid back esp if they spent money on someone. Now they technically didn't have to spend that much and saw a return. And it's not like I'm paying him back as a rejection. But more like a "thanks for doing it but you really didn't have to spend that much so I'll give it back to you. I really appreciated the gesture" didn't think the feelings would be involved

[Friendlybro79]

I think your intentions are very genuine but everyone is different when it comes to paying for another person just as you have you're opinion about this. My feeling is that you're making too many assumptions and not treating him as an individual with feelings of his own. Instead you've lumped him into the universal men category that is quite generalized. I say the same thing when men generalize women if that matters to you. Make it simpler on yourself, stop assuming what all men like or would like, and do what you have to. I will say if he gets offended by you paying him back, you can't say he didn't tell you that already. So forget about understanding why he should or shouldn't be offended, forget about your assumptions of all men in general, and treat this him as just a person. Again this seems more about you wanting to pay him back regardless of how he feels which you have every right to not be in debt to anyone if you choose not to be. Just remember he told you how he feels about it. Don't act surprised if he's upset. Also, he could b upset for a few days and let it go too. Who knows.

[OddBeMe]

I don’t see why it either. He will obviously be chivalrous and reject your money. I would allow him to be “a man” and maybe say you’ll buy dinner and make another date. That’s why us guys do anything anyway. Just to get to the next date. Then in your pants.

[Cali86]

Well that's a way to look at it. If that was the case then I'll for sure pay him back if that was the only idea.

[OddBeMe]

Oh come on, that’s what everyone’s after.

[Chill_Thoughts]

Nope he gave that to you. Don't give him money, pay for something else. Another trip or a nice dinner or smth. That's wayyy better

[Cali86]

Yeah but who knows when i can take him on a trip.
Why is it wrong to give him money? He spent for it so i want to be nice and pay him back for the gesture.

[Chill_Thoughts]

Pay him back with a gesture. Money makes it look like you appreciate the money he spent more than the trip itself

[FilmGuy93]

Because the purpose of him paying for the trip was to express his affection for you. You paying him back for it is like saying “Kay, but now I don’t owe you anything.”

[Cali86]

And now I really won't! Plus I won't be able to give him a gift that cost the same amount. So it's ridiculous for me to accept knowing I can't match the favor

[FilmGuy93]

Just return the favor another way. Get him a gift, or make him a food he really likes.

[dexter234]

It comes as disrespectful if you offer him money, you don't do that with your love interest, with friend it's fine. Rather you should gift something to him if you want to return a favor, he'll love it.

[Cali86]

Yeah but no one has explained why it's disrespectful to do so. What's wrong with paying him back?

[dexter234]

Do you pay back to your brother or sister or any other loved one

[Cali86]

For family no, i don't.

[dexter234]

He sees you like that, that you can potentially become his family, guy loves you

[Twalli]

Paying him back gives the impression you didn't see it as a "gift". If he really likes you, paying him back wold be offensive.

[Alex8736]

if you pay him back he won't have an excuse later down the line if you are in an argument and he might say "remember the time when I paid for...".

[Billlewis]

I certainly wouldn't want to be paid back.