Boyfriend has subconscious bias, how to deal?

[Anonymous]

I'm black and my boyfriend is not. There've been times where I've noticed subconscious bias against black people that I've called out early in the relationship. Weve been together 6 years. It seems like a normal thing to deal with in an interracial couple. Especially because he grew up around mostly white people (family and friends). I don't think he's racist but a couple years ago, he was attacked by some black guys and ever since then, when he sees a group of black people or brown people, he wants to walk around them/avoid them entirely. I've told him it's racist to do so but he thinks he's just being extra safe. I feel uncomfortable and bad about being with him when he's assuming the worst of my people due entirely to their race. Should I just breakup with him or talk to him more? He refused to get therapy after the robbery.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry he feels that way. For you as well as himself. But honestly in my experience w a lot of black people it’s always been violence towards others or causing chaos, crime, etc. a majority of what I see on the news usually involves black people. Sadly that is how a lot of society see it. I worked in the prison for 8 years, always problems w the black men, yes white men as well as brown men had issues here and there but none like the black men. I tend to see black women the same way. But when most of your encounters are like that w certain things you start to be cautions. My neighborhood used to be good, it’s not the worst that’s for sure. But slowly it’s been getting bad. Two streets over from the housing neighborhood I live in is an apartment complex. Lately a lot of black people have started moving in. Since than, w in a year we’ve had 7 black men killed by other black men who were all caught. I go to 7-11 before I head to work, you see them outside not even trying to hide, smoking up. Your boyfriend has trauma, he needs help w that. Just like people who don’t want to get into a new relationship because they’re afraid they may get cheated on again. I know I’m stereotyping but when that’s all you seem to see your mind thinks that.

[JamesDiaz11]

Let's call a spade a spade, black guys are far more likely to attack someone; so, he's actually being smart by avoiding situations like that. If you've been with him for 6 years you know he cares about you- is it really important that he not recognize the issues black people bring at far higher levels (crime, aggression, etc.)?

You're expecting him to forget his personal experience, and be blind to the fact that black guys commit over half of violent crime; so, he just puts himself in scenarios that are dangerous.

If you're that sensitive, you shouldn't be dating a non-black guy. Only a black person would give other black people such an extreme benefit of the doubt.

[AmandaYVR]

You should cut him some slack. His feelings changed after a very personal and dangerous experience. He is well within common sense to now want to avoid a similar situation.

Take the 'black' part out of it, and consider that he was attacked by a cougar while on a hike, or a bear in the woods, or he fell off a boat and almost drowned, or got food poisoning from eating bad seafood. We avoid that which caused us harm before. You should pull yourself back from your feelings, and recognize that he has suffered a trauma, and his feelings actually do take precedence here. His are about safety and his mortality. Yours are about feeling slighted. They are both valid, but one is far more intense a survival mechanism.

[Msputiton]

I think he has trauma and needs therapy.

However if you're serious about him.

I would have concerns with him teaching his half black future children that black men can't be trusted.

Actions and values rub off on children. Once i noticed my white partner showed racist tendencies i ended things.

I did not want that for me.

[RealMarek]

When a person is out on the street and senses danger, numerous self-defense experts will say to go with their gut feel and avoid the situation if at all possible. It is almost impossible to distinguish between people who imitate gangsters because that’s what their pop cultural icons do from actual gangsters. Your boyfriend has been burned before. He is absolutely right to follow his instincts to reduce his (and your if you are with him) odds of being attacked. If you cannot accept that about him you should probably reconsider the relationship.

[blackgaletiger]

It may seem racist in your eyes, but you dont know what emotions he maybe feeling on the inside. It was a traumatic experience that he hasn't been over with yet. Its no different than a woman who has been assaulted by a man in her past then choosing to avoid a group of men completely a long their path. People won't say she is sexist. Its no reason to break up with him. Instead you should help him threw it

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Don’t break up with him. I’m not racist, but he has a point — it’s good to be safe if he lives in a racist city. As long as he doesn’t get any racist ideas/stereotypes, You two should be fine. Love him with all Your heart. Hug him and kiss him every day. Introduce some Black friends to him. He might get the fear out of him.

[Beop111]

I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but the truth is he has a legitimate reason for this. According to FBI stats you are almost 4x more likely to be murdered by a black person than a white person. You are 2x more likely to be raped by a black person than a white person. You are 4x more like to be robbed by a black person than a white person and you are almost 3x more likely to be assaulted by a black person than a white person.

[Asker]

Cite your sources because I don't believe you

[Beop111]

Simply google violent crime statistics by race. The first link is for FBI crime statistics for 2019.

[Asker]

The table doesn't say anything about which groups are more likely to commit crimes against different groups. It only has the aggregate totals from what I can see

[Asker]

So I'll say again, cite the source where it explitly says someone is 4x more likely to be killed by a black person

[Beop111]

If you look at the table, it clearly shows that blacks committed 51.2% of all murders. Furthermore, we all know that's it's mostly men who commit crime, especially murder. According to Census. gov, we also know that black men only make up 6.8% of the total US population. This means for every 1% of black males, they commit 7.54% of murders. White males make up approx. 29.65% of the US population, which means for 1% of white males, they commit 1.54% of murders. This means the black males commit more murders than white males at a percent change rate of 489% or approx 4-5x more than whites. Furthermore, if you look at the table, you'll see that they included Hispanics in the original white total for murders, but then broke it down on the right side of the table. That shows white males committed 79.3% of the 45.8% attributed to whites, which means white males actually committed 36.32%. This changes the white male ratio from 1.54% down to 1.22% of murders per 1% of white males. When you compare Whites 1.22% to Blacks 7.54%, it actually comes out to 518% or more than 5x more likely a murder is committed by a black male than a white male.

[inhua]

put yourself in his shoes. if you were attacked by a certain group of people, wouldn't you put your guard up whenever you encounter said certain group of people?

[Asker]

I don't know, not that I've been attacked but obviously I've had microaggressions and subtle racism from different groups my whole life. And I don't see someone random from those groups and assume they'll do the same thing immediately

[inhua]

unfortunately, him getting attacked is a part of his history. it can't just be erased. do you think he really wants to assume the worst of your people or is this something in his brain that triggers these fears in him?

[Asker]

I'm aware it can't be erased. It's troubling because he won't even acknowledge it as being racist even though it clearly is. Like he's consciously stereotyping. I've seen him do it with legit school kids who were talking in broad daylight. But, it was a group of teenagers that robbed him

[boggboss]

Not really sure why u wpuld stay for 6 years if u know these are his behaviours as yo what u should do thats upto you is this somthing u cannot look past or not

[boggboss]

Also what u described is nit subconscious biases but a choice hebis making

[Asker]

True, i meant that he's had subconscious bias in other instances besides the example I used when it was intentional

[boggboss]

Fair enough but why wait 6 years before deciding this is a issue

[Asker]

The subconscious bias issues were essentially minor. The attack was about a year and a half ago and as we've been going out again (since corona) his avoidance has become more noticeable

[boggboss]

Fair enough guess its soemthing u will have to decide to live with or end things if he dont wanna change

[Berethor]

Blacks are a very criminal race, but glad that you not get beat by black boyfriend.

[Berethor]

I mean "be glad".

[Asker]

You're the worst kind of person. Begone

[Cristinaissweet]

If he's with you, he's not racist. If he wants to go by his gut thats fine. Im black too.

[joeldalton]

You should break up with him. He doesn’t need a girlfriend who is constantly accusing him made up bias.

[Asker]

It's not made up but ok.

[Anonymous]

Next time you see a group of white people you walk across the street too😂

[boobliker]

I dont think it going to work for the two of you as you have seen it. and now asking us too.

[Anonymous]

your race commits the most crime compared to any other race

[Asker]

Actually untrue. Studies have shown that black/brown people are disproportionately convicted at a higher rate than their white counterparts even when committing identical crimes. So the numbers aren't going to be accurate as to who actually commits the most crimes. Documentary "13th" on netflix goes more in depth on this. Plus, there are several variables besides what I mentioned that contribute to people thinking what you do

[Opinion Owner]

Blacks commit 60% of ALL violent crime — but only 14% of the population

[Asker]

Lol, I see you clearly took this from a title posted on a discussion board. Not exactly a credible source. Regardless, my point still stands that the number isn't going to be accurate. When white or other groups commit the same crimes, they're not always convicted like their black/brown counterparts

[Asker]

Not to mention crimes that have been unreported or false statements being made against black people

[Opinion Owner]

they also commit the most unreported crimes

[Asker]

You can't say that for certain.

[jimmy2]

Spank him