I'm starting to experience negative emotions/doubts in my relationship do I bring this up to my boyfriend?

We are both 26, met on Hinge in June and made things official in late August; with that being said, in the beginning, my Boyfriend was honest and opened around the fact he had never had a girlfriend, even though I never had a boyfriend, I did have a bit more experience, so I took the lead in some ways, in terms of introducing us to conversation cards and so forth, to our dates and that helped us in diving deep into significant questions and so on.

So, in the beginning, all was exciting, and so forth; he even took the initiative in introducing me to his co-workers, friends and family so I felt included. He has met my mother, and his aunt invited us to an Easter dinner next month

In January, we hit our first bump/disagreement, and after days of not feeling comfortable, I revealed to him what had made me angry, and we spoke and resolved the issue. ( He had allowed his female friend to kiss him on the cheek after she broke up with her boyfriend during a moment of crisis; he ended the friendship shortly after I brought up my anger towards this)

I have not felt satisfied in a few departments, so the first thing is sex, as we haven't been able to have sex; he has been experiencing performance anxiety each time we have attempted to this date since our trials in February; we haven't had actual sex, just fingering/hand jobs.

The second area of frustration is, overall, the coldness I get from his parents; they do not seem to be fond of me, but my Boyfriend wants me to believe they like me, but through interacting with them, I feel an icy vibe.

The third area of frustration is that in between our seeing each other, I do not get much contact with him As he texts me on a schedule (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays). If our sleepovers are cancelled on the weekends, and we don't speak on the phone, I lose my sense of connection to him in between.

So my entire spill is just the lack of connection; I'm new to this and unsure if it is normal. Do I bring it up?

Thanks

SteveSmith1985

Influencer Guru Age: 39

524 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

You do need to bring up these concerns. Definitely. You need be be a little careful how you approach two of them.

So the texting thing and feeling you don't have a connection with him when you don't see/talk to him for a while... That's pretty straightforward and you don't need to be particularily careful how you handle that one.

The parents one, you do need to tread a little more carefully. So what you need to do is to gently get him to come around to admitting that the vibe your getting from his parents is valid. You aren't wrong about this. (Now... I take it you don't actually want him to do anything here, aside from hear you and believe you when you say his parents don't like you... right? if it's more than that... it's a different story)

You need to explain to him that it's possible his parents are unwilling to admit to HIM how they feel about you. Explain to him that, while he is trying to make you feel better with his assurances that his parents like you... what he is actually doing is making you feel worse, becase you feel like he's ignoring your feelings here, and telling you... that you don't know what it looks like when someone dislikes you.

The reason he is holding onto the fiction that his parents like you is ultimately because he does not want to hurt/offend/displease you. Make it clear to him, that what he is doing is, in fact, way harder on you, than if he would just take your word for it, that this icy vibe is real... and support you on this. Admitting to you his parents don't like you (or at least that you aren't making up the vibe you feel) would make you HAPPIER rather than more hurt. He is thinking he's doing you a favor here by sparing your feelings (whether he is legitimately in denial or not). But he is not sparing your feelings by insisting you're wrong about this.

The performance anxiety one... you need to deal with so carefully. So so so carefully. This is the time to employ every bit of sensitivity and understanding you've got. Issues do not get more delicate than this. This is the relationship equivalent of trying to disarm a bomb with some wire-cutters. You better be so goddamn careful here... or this could go very wrong in a catastrophic and unrepairable way. You really do need to watch every single thing you say and do when it comes to the performance anxiety issue.

How exactly you go about it is going to be up to you. But do NOT frame this as one of your relationship issues. DO NOT have this discussion at the same time as you bring up your other two concerns. This has to be separate. And you really don't want to frame it as "an issue for you preventing you from enjoying your relationship/sex-life." Despite the fact that this is perfectly true, valid and a perfectly fine way to look at it... it is not the way to frame it to him.

He needs to see you on his "team" here... to the point where how you frame this does indeed make a critical difference. This has to be something that you BOTH are trying to fix... TOGETHER. It has to be that dynamic. He has to see you as someone non-judgemental, but 100% on his side... who is helping him seek solutions, because that's what you and he have talked about and he has come to see that it makes sense to do so.

Ok for example... You can talk about how much you want him inside you after you get him to agree to that it's a good idea to go see someone about this... just be really really careful it cannot POSSIBLY be interpreted as a complaint that you haven't had that yet.

Do you see what I mean? That difference there. Or even making sure never to say something like that in a way that leaves ANY possibility for misinterpretation. He will be ultra sensative to anything that could be interpreted two ways... and will always be inclined to believe you meant something in a 'bad way' given a choice. Like you need to be so careful.

But basically, he must know it's a problem. I don't know where you guys left things, but you need to get him to agree to see somebody in an effort to get help with this. I don't know if that's a doctor or a psychologist. But I do know this is really common, and also something for which there ARE many solutions. The hard part is navigating him to believing HIMSELF that looking into these solutions (making those appointments) is something he needs to do.

It depends on where exactly he is coming from. If he's just... assuming it'll go better next time, or if he's acknowledging that this is a problem requiring him to do something about.

So bring up your two non-sexual concerns. Have the talk about the performance anxiety on a different day.

Even if he can create the link in his own head, that YOU see this as "one of three relationship issues" in your mind... you're fucked (framing. He now assumes ALL KINDS of unhelpful shit about what you think and how you feel about the performance anxiety).