My boyfriend suddenly told me he doesn't need my love and doesn't need me. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend whom I met online. We haven't met in real life as we started dating right before Covid. As a long distance relationship couple, we are often in call when we are both free every night. Tonight, we were on call while playing a game with him and out of nowhere he suddenly said "I don't need your love and I don't need you" with a serious voice. I replied to him "Okay you are free to go" and it was just silence. We continued to play our game while on call, I asked him "Why are you still with me if you don't need my love or need me?" He replied "You know why I'm with you" I told him "I don't know" and it was silence again. I asked again "If you don't need my love and don't need me, why are you with me?" Now he is saying that he never said that and why am I lying. I started to sob and he asked if I'm crying, I stayed silent and tried to keep myself from crying. He didn't say anything, no sorry, no "I didn't mean to say that" or "I didn't mean to make you cry". After I had composed my self, I asked him if we should break up because he said those statements, he said he needs my love and needs me. Still no sorry, I told him maybe we are better off without each other. He said he was "just joking and didn't mean it", although we do joke with each other a lot, this is the first time he said something like this. I told him he is free to go, he said sorry again but it didn't felt heartfelt. We stayed silent on call for an hour until I decided to turn it off. I told him Good night on chat but no response from him or anything, he haven't messaged me or ask if I'm okay. We've been together for almost 3 years, is it time to go?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think... it might indeed be "time to go."

I don't quite know what exactly to make of this. This is not a "normal" situation, and I can't say I've ever heard of a situation quite like this one.

You sound like you're someone with a fairly level-head, you're sane, you're rational, and... basically, I think you did everything right. The way that you reacted to each step in this story, is the way that I would have reacted myself in your shoes. I think it's a fairly 'normal' reaction that most people would have in your shoes.

Your boyfriend however... I am not able to understand. I cannot put myself in his shoes. His behavior is NOT sane and rational (which is maybe why this situation... doesn't happen more often).

So what his motivations were for saying he didn't need you or your love... is no more clear to me, than it is to you. That's to say... it's not clear at all.

Was this a revelation of his true, deep-down feelings about you and your relationship? Maybe. It certainly seems like a fucking weird thing for anyone to say, unless they (at least partly) meant it. That sentiment didn't just pop into his head, and then out of his mouth the moment before he said it. That sentiment had to have been bouncing around his head already.

The more significant part, to me, has to do with his reaction afterwards. If it was a joke... then "silence" in response to your telling him "he's free to go" makes no sense. If it was a joke, then he would be able to see that YOU weren't treating it as a joke... and so he would have explained himself immediately. He would NOT WANT you to "take it the wrong way" (if he really was joking).

The very worst thing in this whole story, is him was calling you a liar. That stuck out from everything else you wrote here.

What. In the fuck. Is going on with THAT?

That's some abusive shit! That, on it's own, is a GIANT red-flag. Even in the absence of anything else... him calling you a liar, alone, would be reason enough to get out of that relationship. (The term gets thrown-around way too much, but this... is a perfect example of an actual attempt to "gaslight" you)

That's some insulting shit (does he think you're a fucking idiot? Like maybe you'll believe that he didn't say what you clearly just heard?)

Honestly, THAT part of this story is the most concerning. By a mile.

But taking a step back from that particular concerning abusiveness "red flag." The overall point remains:

He can see that you are reacting to what he said in a serious way. He is only half-heartedly trying to "explain how he didn't really mean it"... but not in a way that's in-line with actually meaning it.

If he didn't really mean it (but for whatever reason said it anyway)... then he would be DESPERATE to "take it back". Anybody would be.

If someone said that AND DIDN'T MEAN IT... then their top priority would be to convince YOU that he didn't mean it. The consequences of you continuing to believe it are too bad (losing you), for him to "allow you" to continue believing it. It would be unacceptable to him, that you continue to believe he meant it, if he didn't. He would be making over-the-top efforts to reassure you that he didn't mean what he said. None of that is happening. Instead, there is an hours long silence before you eventually end the call.

To me, this clearly indicates it's "time to go."

You are someone who knows that you deserve to be with someone who needs (and wants) your love. Like I said earlier... you seem like a sane, level-headed woman. You don't need this bullshit. You know it. You reacted the right way to all of this. I think that overall, the "right" reaction here would be to walk away. To TELL him he's "free to go" (rather than simply reminding him of the option).

I don't know what's going on here. But this is not a guy who said something he didn't mean to say, and wishes he hadn't said. There has been no attempt at apology. Not only is he not willing to truthfully engage in a conversation about whatever he might be thinking/feeling... he tried to tell you... he didn't even say it... and asked why you were lying.

There isn't really anything to do with all of that, but walk away. You can't fix something with someone unwilling to even talk about it. Sorry.

[SnowedIn]

Yes, it is time to go. For two reasons. First, he told you what he told you. That is cold and heartless and brutal. Sounded calculated. Perhaps he didn't think about it (I doubt that) but he did it anyway. Second, and I'm sorry to say it, but you weren't together. I mean, maybe words were said and you guys were a couple, but this was... digital. Yes, a couple can be intimate and close during a LDR but not this. This wasn't a case of a soldier deployed during wartime. Or a business person sent to London by their company. This is two people who never met.

End this, work through the grief process, and find someone who is not only heartless but also is flesh and blood and able to spend time with you for real.

[Rosexøxø]

I would say it’s one of two things-

One:

he doesn’t want to fall in love, and show you he actually needs you or appreciates you

two:

he just wants you for the sex and when you said “free to go,” he figured it was safe to deny that, assuming you don’t love him, and he can get sex out of you, without feeling bad for it- because he couldn’t otherwise, outright say it (if that’s truly all he wanted), in front of you because he wouldn’t be able to mentally cope or bear that.

Someone else said sociopath tendencies…

could be? 🤷‍♀️ I’m not a psychologist either.

I say could be or should at least be considered because

He could have said that to make you cry, but when you didn’t, he stood with you so that he could try another way, and when you finally cried he could have enjoyed it, without saying or showing that.

I think everyone is saying and rooting for a diagnosis

we want hope for your relationship

BUT

lets ask a bigger question:

does he LOVE you?

I place my bet as no.

Gaming was mostly you tagging along doing his thing, but being okay with it- if you both didn’t meet this way through covid, as it was lockdown, and you said LDR.

If not gaming as evidence, I’d say good proof is like that of what you mentioned in your question:

he didn’t try to console you, when you literally sobbed your heart out.

He didn’t own up to anything.

He didn’t apologize or react to your literal tears.

What he said was said in a stone cold manner..

that even if he was a afraid of love and you knowing- IS UNACCEPTABLE.

You’re just as important and an equal member of the relationship- just as deserving- not subpar.

With that, I say END IT.

You both got through an unprecedented time together- it doesn’t mean you both are some soul mates.

You just got through a season together, I wouldn’t let that determine my choices of ‘staying or going,’ just because you both “relate” in this way, and had a “history.”

You can do better.

Get a guy who is OUTSIDE, and making efforts to meet you-

not a gamer you found online or so, from the comfort of his own home and who literally says a statement like that to a beautiful girl.

You can do A LOT BETTER sis.

Your character shows through this post and I know you can do way better.

Best to you sis. If you end it. Be firm and clear about it.

[Lynnfriend]

Wow that's a long time for a long distance relationship. I was in one as well but we had met and spent some time together before we were apart for almost a year and we spent the holidays together he came over and stayed with me for 2 or 3 weeks. But after he left I became really sick I had to have penicillin injections 1 a week for 4 weeks and I am allergic to it so I had a bad reaction and became very ill. But I had to do it if was the only treatment for what I had. During this time I gained alit of weight. I only told you that to tell you this I came over to be with him the following summer and he was not accepting to my weight gain. He was unhappy about it and made fun of it in hurtfully was it was starting to affect my self esteem and really it destroyed our relationship. I got self conscious about being naked around him so sex went to shit he then stared all this online dating sites oh everyone out there now he is into online sex with girls on chat sites he has down loaded 2 or 3 different ones on his phone and now he is having sex with them so I think I am done I don't want this kind of relationships he thinks I don't know but I am not even going to talk with him about it, because he always lies to me about it and I don't want to hear it anymore. I only hope you have better luck than I did with the long distance relationship thing. But if he is saying that kind of stuff and then denying it what does that mean? Just watch out if he starts telling you your crazy because that may be next. Then he will be manipulating you. I can't say but that a strange thing to say and then deny that he said it. Good luck.

[Guy13]

Go sit down with a psychologist and confirm the following as I am not one. Sounds like a sociopath to me. They have no ability to feel for others. Some are so far gone that they have to watch others to know when to laugh and cry appropriately…. seriously like at funerals.
Narcissism is often a secondary diagnosis in cases like this.

[Summeroflove]

I don’t know but if you’re not happy then break up. Maybe he doesn’t love you but needs you to love him.

I don’t know how he feels or thinks because I can’t read his mind. But if he’s making you miserable break it off

[Daniela1982]

I think he just wanted a chat buddy and you were available. He was never interested in actually meeting. I just want to know one thing, did you talk to him on video and was there any hanky panky going on during those sessions? Because I don't know what "in call" means, except talking on the phone. To me it sounds like he has something going on with someone else now and you are a liability to his new chat buddy. All you can do is move on. I would advise no more long-distance stuff. You can never know what is going on at the other end without being there. They could be married or a serial killer for all you know.

[Purpleronnie]

It’s so hard to relate to your story I’m afraid. I am of the opinion that a long term relationship with a person in the “love and together “ sense can only be when it involves spending Time in a persons company physically. I believe this for a multitude of reasons and I’m sorry if you feel this isn’t fair or true but it’s widely accepted. So , My advice in this situation if you can’t move or be together physically and frequently is to break it off as whether now or later there will only ever be emotional pain , you both deserve to have a relationship with a partner in the in every sense , half or fractional measures just isn’t fair or healthy

[ShellyB]

I am sorry this happened, and this might be easy for me to say, but I would ghost him. I actually wonder about even using the word "boyfriend" if you have never met in person not to say a relationship like this can't be meaningful. JMO good luck!

[Anemone978]

I think he is telling you the truth, I don't know why he would just say it to you like that and just try to put it of as a joke. But considering he didn't apologize and didn't write you back I think it is over. To be honest that is a really long time to be going long distance, especially with no visits.. But is best to lose him now and move on with your life.

[BCA6010]

This has all been long distance for years? COVID restrictions have been almost entirely gone for most of that timeframe and neither of you made an effort to actually meet? This relationship needs to end.

Speaking from experience, long distance does not work without at least some visits or a light at the end of the tunnel when the distance won't be a factor anymore.

[Finchie40]

Because your boyfriend is selfish and only thinking of himself , if he truly valued you he would be by your side , Kick his ass to the cub and realize you deserve someone better than that , Love will never grow when someone can’t remove selfishness for you the same way you do for them

[connectingisgreat]

I didn’t finish reading this as soon as I saw long distance, never met. Here’s the truth you’re not in a relationship with someone you’ve never met. If you do meet someone online try to get to know them in person as fast as possible but be safe about it, bring a friend, public place etc.

[lightbulb27]

3 years and haven't met in real life. Get it moving or move on.

The rest is a bunch of emotional drama I'll let you two work out, not worth my time.

[slatyb]

Stop wasting your time and find someone local. If there's isn't anyone, then consider relocating somewhere there are more interesting single men.

[Rania05]

Either he's bipolar, have split personalities or that was his twin doing the call.
You should break up in my opinion, it hurts too much to try after this.

[Bricealan]

I am in the same situation, ALMOST, and my advice to you is what I am going to do. "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" and go on with your life like nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

I been together w mine for over 5 years and all she does is cheats and throws it in my face even yesterday and last night same damn thing. I wake up w panic attacks if I'm able to sleep and wanting to unalive myself from all the hurt and pain she causes me

[purplepoppy]

He's not your boyfriend he's just a guy online. Be grateful you've never actually met this knob head.

[GoodEnoughThen]

Never met? And dealing with this psycho-drama? Get out of this relationship, and maybe consider counseling for yourself. Best to you.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Have a meatball.

[taraburtch]

yup time to go. if you were looking for a red flag there it is sis. you can do better. you deserve to be wanted, loved and needed

[LiamJHayden]

I am biased because I would never do a LDR, but this guy sounds kind of unstable. You can do better.

[Shamalien]

Something is going on with him and you two should try and figure it out together before bailing