Hello,
My girlfriend (F33) and me (M27) are going to Vegas in a month and a half. I’m feeling more nervous as the time gets closer. I’ve been cheated on by my past relationship when I went with her to Vegas. She ended up having a girls night out at a strip club where she later admitted she slept with a guy.
My girlfriend and I have been together almost 4 months. She wants to go to Vegas for her birthday since she is turning 34 and says she wants to go to a club and get drunk. I’ve seen her drunk and she is not wild just dances a lot. She told me she is only going to dance with me and her girlfriends and that she is super loyal to me (always tells me that) since she has been cheated on as well.
She is very attractive and I spend most of my time when I go to a club fending off guys. She is going to be wearing see through clothes to the club and says she wants to take her girlfriends to a strip club and have a girls night out. I will be doing something else. She always tells me she is loyal and she isn’t a cheater but after my experience last time I’m getting nervous. We’ve talked about it and she says I have nothing to worry about and I don’t want to keep asking her because it’ll make me seem insecure. I’m just worried she’s going to be swept away by a guy or one of her friends will pressure her into doing something. She has not shown me at all a reason not to trust her she actually had a guy touch her one time and she slapped him. How can I calm these feelings down?
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Opinion
1Opinion
If you can’t trust her then do you Both a favor, end the relationship and work on your issues. I understand you were hurt in the past but she isn’t the one who did it so stop hassling her with your insecurity and constant needs for reassurance. She deserves a clear slate just like anyone else you get into a relationship with, not being treated like a cheater.
@Splithead didn’t mean to delete your comment, but I screenshotted what you said so that I could appropriately reply. To start, I am absolutely not a person who doesn’t respect boundaries. My current relationship is built on the understanding and respect we both have for each other and our own limitations. What I’m saying to the asker is that it’s not fair to constantly bring up his cheating ex and apply that situation to what he’s experiencing with his new girlfriend, because she hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Already he’s going on the trip, and will be around for all of her activities. I highly doubt she has any intention of leaving him behind in the room to go off with her friends, and if that’s what his ex did then it doesn’t mean the new girlfriend will do it, and she shouldn’t have to keep on reassuring him that she won’t.
Overall, I’m not sure what she could do to appease him outside of cancelling the trip in general and missing out, which I don’t think is fair either. New relationships DO deserve a clean slate. Personally I would never date someone new knowing that I have so many insecurities created by what my ex did. If do my best to heal, so that I can bring the version of myself to the table that can give someone new a fair shot. I’m not sure where you’re getting that anything is “ALL his fault”, and I don't know maybe you are just too busy hastily negating every comment to actually process what people are saying, but I personally believe that my statement is fair.
The only way for her to avoid “knowingly recreating the situation he got cheated on in” would be to never go to Vegas, which you contracted immediately after by saying it would be wrong for her not to go for her bday, so which is it? If my current girlfriend got cheated on because his ex went and banged a guy at the concessional stand while at the movies, do we never go to a theatre again? Lol come on. Not everyone is going to do the same thing. If he has ptsd or worries, that’s something to address on his own. As for what she wears, sure he could ask her not to wear the sheer dress, but why? Will it make her less attractive? Will it stop men from ignoring her boyfriend right there on her and make a move anyway? Nope, doesn’t stop those sort of men from doing what they do. My boyfriend lets me wear what I want because I don’t act a fool in a short dress and if a man gets out of line, even if I were in a nun suit and that happened he would still handle it.
*if my current boyfriend
Meh. I just wrote what i felt. It wasn't a personal shot at you.
I wasn't saying that you said evwrythig. Was his fault but it made it seem like he was just horribly overreacting.
Vegas is a place known for sex. Clubs are where you attract partners for sex. See through clothing is exhibitioinism. These things aren't problems on thier own its just like... i csnt imagine a way to get MORE male attention at a club nor a place that would curate for guys looking to approach women cold than at a club in vegas wearing see through clothes.
Is that crazy of me. Lile any of those things by themselves would bring a little attention but this is cranking it up to 11.
Women often ask:
"Hey can you not post thirsty comments online"
"Hey can you not flirt with other girls"
"Hey can you not go to strip clubs"
Maybe i'm crazy but if my girl asked for small concessions like that I could see that being okay.
I didn't say you were a bad person or anything, just that it doesn't seem youbare the tyoe to let yourself be limited in any way by your partners discomfort. Thats cool. It just doesn't sound to me that this is what this poster needs right now. Thats all.
I personally am very sensitive to the needs of my partner at a base. I'd never want to make anyone i date feel less than or trivger thier insecurities.
Perhaps thats my issue but, there are people out there who think like that and can respect that.
I just would say that OP can't really just PRETEND he doesn't feel wbatbhe feels or breakup with his girl.
Thats kinda saying: Suck it up or get lost because you're not good enough for her. That's harsh and I'd say a bit much.
Mg point is there should be room for compromize and conversation here. He doesn't have to keep it all in and people please while hurting himself. If he does... honestly that's his own fault.
My point was that he shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling this way at all. Feeling ashamed about your honest emotions is how you lose connection ti them, and he should be able to ask for some *slight* reasonable considerations. Otherwise this man is going to be living through a nightmare just to keep his girl happy.
Maybe he should just live through a mild discomfort to keep her happy, rather than setting himself up for failure by potentially freaking out at the time.
I think there's space for better communication here and less shame on his part without being controling.
I do wish youd left it for him to see though. Thats a shame
Yes, this is why I mentioned the comment in my initial response, because I’m not sure how I deleted it but when I clicked back it was still there, so I took a SS so that I’d be able to address what you said. I didn’t read your response until maybe 35ish mins after you posted it so maybe he saw, then again he’s not replying to anyone so I’m not sure how much attention this discussion deserves anyway lol.
Before I make my comments, I want to be fair and as unbiased as possible, because people don’t come on here to be attacked they seek advice even if it’s hard truths. I never said or insinuated that he should feel ashamed for a human response, he isn’t wrong for having a hard time with xyz. What I’m saying is that it’s not fair to put those insecurities onto her. Whatever trigger this Vegas trip brings forth, he should address in a way that’s not making her pay for what an ex did. The thing is, it isn’t her job to adjust her lifestyle and personality traits to accommodate or sooth his concerns that are unrequited on her part, which he’s even said himself. I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time she’s worn something sexy, but because it’s in Vegas she should cover up? What you worry will happen there can happen anywhere. Men don’t get less handsy at the club or even at the bar, and he’s already stated that he spends most of his time on a night out fending off guys. There’s nothing different about this but the location.
The moral of this situation is that she is who she is, before they got together up until now. He knew what he was personally struggling with before getting in a relationship and still chose to pursue her knowing he hadn’t fully recovered, and proceeded with this woman fighting off men and probably always worrying she will cheat. That’s not healthy for him but it also isn’t her fault for how he feels. His best bet would be to find a woman who aligns more with the limitations and boundaries he needs to set for himself, rather than try to tweak the woman he has now.
Mmm. I guess i was always taught that the basis of any good relationship was small tweaks and compromisez.
You're right. She is who she is. But i think the way to figure out whether to stay together about this is to have the conversation and see if there's a way forward. A small tweak that can be made.
Then again. I dont have perfect relationships myself and i tend to overgive. I dont get resentful, but still i am more on that side.
There are people out there who live uncompromizingly. Those are the true free spirits. The wild men and women. They usually love hard and fast and expect nothing lasts.
I don't get the sense that this is who OP is.
But that's not neccesarily aspriational or anything. Just another way to love.
Its not crazy to find someone wgo you work with and who will work with you. It's not always gotta be a free for all.
I agree, but what the asker is struggling with isn’t a small tweak or little compromise. His issue is with having been cheated on during a trip to Vegas, and worrying that it’ll happen again to the point where she would have to alter some aspect of herself or the trip to appease him. Her clothing options, dancing a lot, etc are all things he’s seen and coexisted with, he’s said it himself. So why make it a big concern now just because of the location? That’s what I’m saying. I’m not suggesting that compromise shouldn’t take place in a relationship, just that everything surrounding why he’s even thinking of asking for change now is unfair to his girlfriend.
Hmm. I still don't quite agree but you're winning me over a little. For context, i've been cheated on with my roomate before and been dumped for him. I still never really put any of that on my new girls by being jealous and such. Honestly it just pushes me toward the wild man type in terms of my expectations lowering, which may actually not be healthy.
That said there is something to be said about, "if you date a hot girl you're gonna deal with hot girl shit."
My girls deal with hot guy shit, aka other girls being attracted to me.
But like, i dont take my shirt off when i go dancing. If i do it's a whole thing. It only ever comes off if my girl does it for me or im literally drenched in sweat.
Still though i have that respect to not flaunt it every time. That would get tiring and it would almolst be me getting off on seeing my girl get stressed.
... that said my last ex did occasionally button or zip up my shirts if I had the top 2 buttons undone, which i dont always do and it did get annoying that she didn't ask.
I don't know. Maybe im not the person to ask. I realize i would accept a person who's more insecure than I am and be okay with that/ help out with that within reason.
But generally i wouldn't ask for the same thing unless it was a crazy thing. I'm down going to nude hotsprings with my girl. I also have giant black man privalege tho. But if my girl asked me not to go to nude yoga or hotsprings I'd probabaly stop.
Maybe i shouldn't.
Personally I believe all the hot girl shit should stop once she’s in a relationship lol because the expression in itself was created by a single woman in an era where she celebrated it by having fun, meeting guys and exploring her options, but even Megan settled down once she got with Pardi. Being in a relationship requires a much more tame approach, or at least what works for the relationship, because now there’s someone else in the picture to consider, not just herself. If women are approaching you while you’re out with your girlfriend, you likely wouldn’t entertain it and be like “I’m on my hot guy shit tonight babe sorry” lol it’s much different. Like I wouldn’t categorize other women being attracted to you as something you have much control of, and as a result I wouldn’t mess with what you wear by buttoning your shirt and straightening you up. I’d expect that you have enough respect for me not to engage other women in front of my face, especially being in a relationship and that’s what I mean when I talk about the Asker not worrying what his girlfriend wears or what she will do just because of where they will be. For instance, my boyfriend is 6’6, plays basketball as a career and 9/10 will have women approach him even if he’s running into the liquor store to put money on a gas pump lol but I don’t worry or freak out over these things. He does the same with me.
1) she wants to go to a club and get drunk.
2) I spend most of my time when I go to a club fending off guys.
3) She is going to be wearing see through clothes to the club
4) she wants to take her girlfriends to a strip club and have a girls night out.
5) she actually had a guy touch her one time and she slapped him.
You are making exactly the same mistakes again. You are with a girl who is exhibiting similar behavior. Clubs are low vibrational places that encourage excess, promiscuity and absurd behavior. They are designed to slow ascension. If she is loyal why does she feel the need to advertise to other men by wearing see through clothing?
You need to wake up... but for some reason you are inviting low vibrational beings and behavior into your life again.
You are feeling nervous because the higher part of your self is trying to warn you not to make the same mistakes. This 'relationship' does not serve you at all but men are programmed into having low standards and worry about being labelled insecure for daring to question a girls behavior.
You are making a mistake. Your choice is to cancel and seek higher vibration in all areas of your life, or continue and repeat the same mistakes again. I prefer to learn the easy way in life...
This guy seems weird but he's just a smart spiritual guy.
Your girl already knows you're insecure. It's okay to reveal that to her, but whats not cool is that she gets off on your insecurity.
You spend all your time at clubs fending off other guys. She likes that. she's been cheated on and is enjoying being the agressor instead to soothe her insecurities.
Tmshe knows your history and knows thag you already do this with her at normal clubs, and instead of being sensative to that she is setting you up in the exact same situation that she knows gave you trauma, only she's hyping it up by wearing SEE THROUGH CLOTHES TO ENSURE THAT EVERY MAN IN THE PLACE WILL BE EYING HER and she's setting you up to let her do it because you dont want to look insecure in front of her friends the whole night.
Let me help you out. Pretending this doesn't bother you is not what a secure guy would do.
A secure guy would be secure enough in himself to say "I dont want you doing this." Without fear of looking weak or insecure.
You on the other hand feel like you can only be worthy of her if you can handle this.
She likes jealous men. She likes insecure men, and becaise you keep pretending not to be bothered by her attempts to get a sufficient jealouse response from you, she will turn up the heat until you respond the way she wants. By telling her.
Stop this shit. Are you fucking crazy. Hell no I ain't cool with that.
Insecure guys minimize theor feelings and pretend that they have none.
Secure guys are honest and feel that honesty will polarize the world to them. People who like their honest selves willnstay. People who do not like their honest selves will leave them.
Secure guys are OKAY WITH BEING LEFT OR LEAVING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LIKE THIER HONEST SELVES IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT.
This woman picked you. She knows what your wound is and she is either conciously or subconciously recreating it with you in order to get back some of the power she felt she lost when she was cheated on.
I read a book about a vampire hunter who became a vampire. It had a quote somewhat like:
"All these years being afraid of the monsters, the nightmares hiding in the dark, how liberating to just once be the nightmare, the hunter rather than the prey runing scared"
Whats more, and here's the big one. If you let her do this to you, you will give her the momentary high she is looking for and you will reinforce the addiction in her to this behavior. Making her even more like ur ex.
The key to healing for you is not being okay with it. It is being okay with not being olay with it. Setting a boundary and being okay saying this isn't good enough for me even if it means i dont get you anymore.
Everyone is different you can't blame her for your previous girlfriend behavior.
I understand you feel nervous but you need to trust her, otherwise it'll end soon
This is more correct. The other option is to trust her.
But i'd say this. How much of thisnis you reacting to your ex, and hownmuch of thisnisnyou reactibg tonyojr current partners behavior and getting down on yourself because you keep seeing it as a reaction to your ex.
Have you perhaps, simply learned and are feeling a pull to not make the same mistake twice?
You say that you have no reason not to trust her.
If thats true then you may heal here by letting it happen.
But if thats the case. The healing won't be at the end whe she hasn't cheated on you.
It'll be in the beginning when you agree to this and feel confident that what's for you won't pass you by and that if she cheat's she's simply not yours to begin with.
Its not a results thing. It's a confident in things however they go thing.
It's not your test to pass or fail. It's hers. Can she handle a man who trusts her? If she can and has integrity, you may have a free spirited woman with integrity and thats a fucking keeper.
If she reveals herself to be untrustworthy, then you have a common free spirotued woman who didn't have the integrity to tell you what she really wanted and was looking for a way out.
@Splithead Thank you