Been dating a guy for jst about a year he dsnt want to commit but when we go out he wants/does take pics together?

[JustAGirl393]

He says he's not ready to commit (classic) but we still go out ever once in a while and when we do he's always really sweet respectful and romantic to a point that I wonder why he does it if he doesn't even like me like that. When we see eachother it's always a nice dinner date unless we both agree to stay in and he wants pictures whe we're out. Like he'll either snap a picture of me or we take a picture together (which I find odd considering our relationship is casual/friends with benefits?) After dinner we go back to his place where I spend the night and again he is always great and respectful. But afterwards we may text a little bit but otherwise we don't talk much outside of dates and if we do it's a short conversation and I usually end up getting left on delivered until the next date.

What are your thoughts on this behavior? Please be honest I can handle the brutality😅

I understand the leading me on and using me povs but why the pictures? Like one time we were out together with his brother and his brother took pictures of us together. I know he keeps the pictures, but whyyy?

Also feel free to ask more questions for context if needed

[SteveSmith1985]

Jesus. You sound like a sweet girl who is genuinely looking for some honest feedback here. This is a bit painful to read to be honest.

My thoughts: You are looking way too closely at the meaning behind the pictures. It's a situation of not being able to see the forest for the trees.

Whatever meaning there may be in the taking or keeping of pictures... melts away when put into context. In other words, IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION... it means "nothing." Literally, nothing.

The reason I say that, is: This guy is giving you a million different signs that he's interested in you. But is being very clear about not wanting a relationship. That's been the status quo for a while it seems.

So, in your average situation, there WOULD be something to 'read' in the fact that he wants pictures of you two, and that he keeps them etc. Most of the time, that would be a sign of something. But not in this situation.

It's no more a sign that he is genuinely interested in committing than ALL the other things he's doing that also seem to indicate that he's interested. In other words, the fact that he act the way he does when you're on a date USUALLY would mean something. It would USUALLY be an indicator that a guy is interested in you. BUT NOT IN THIS CASE.

He has got you in some weird part-time-girlfriend role. It obviously works for him. But it doesn't work for you. And it wouldn't work for any other girl... which is why "part-time-girlfriend" is not "a thing."

So, it makes perfect sense that you're confused. You are allowing this guy to act in a way that is objectively confusing. Again, it works for HIM... but only for HIM.

So what his motivations are... I don't know. Why he wants a part-time-girlfriend? I couldn't even guess. Most guys don't. Does he just want sex? Quite possibly. At the end of the day, that IS what it seems to come down to.

If he was interested in you for more than sex, than he would indeed be looking for more. He'd want to talk to you more between dates. He'd want to make you a part of his life in an increasing way. I don't know how long this has been going on... but most women just wouldn't put-up with this state-of-affairs continuing.

If a girl has feelings for the guy... then she would resent feeling used and then disgarded over and over again. If the guy doesn't want more than sex from her... usually she starts to resent that if she is hoping for more. So if a guy is ACTING all boyfriend-like... but is insisting he doesn't want to commit... girls aren't going to put-up with that for very long without calling-it-out. You are putting up with it.

Since, again, this works for him... and you seem to not be complaining about it... you're now a part-time-girlfriend/fuck-buddy hoping for more. I don't see what is ever going to change about that if you also seem content with it.

But you would be an idiot to think that ANY sign of affection or wanting something deeper with you means ANYTHING. None of it means a damn thing.

Maybe he's acting like a boyfriend because he thinks it'll keep you having casual sex with him for a longer period of time. Maybe he does like you... but only when he can see you (like dog). Maybe it's a chance to practice being a gentleman to hone his date-skills. I have no idea. But it doesn't matter, because none of it means anything about him wanting anything more than the random dates and casual sex he's currently getting from you.

As long as a guy is telling you he's not willing/ready to commit... you need to believe that. Because he means it.

Most of the time, however, a guy who ISN"T willing to commit... will avoid sending these mixed-signals to someone. Because no shit it's confusing. Because in every other situation all of this stuff WOULD mean something. But here it means nothing. And that has the obvious risk of confusing and hurting you.

My advice: If you want more, demand more; or move on. Don't keep doing this hoping it'll somehow turn into something more on it's own. It won't. He's content. You're not. He has no reason to change anything right now.

The situation you're in now... is bullshit. 🙂

[JustAGirl393]

Thank you for your honest opinion, I really appreciate it. The fact you say it means nothing only raises more questions of WHY? but I know those can't be answered by anyone but him. It wasn't always like this between us though. In the beginning he made it quite clear that he wanted to be with me and saw a future with me (we even talked about kids) but when it came down to it he said he wasn't ready. I told him it was fine because I didn't even know what I was looking for then. And after that we grew even closer and began the "I love yous" and planning on meeting his parents and he was always asking about my father and suggesting meeting him. Until one day I'm not sure what flipped in him but he said that even though he loved me he respected me more which is the reason he had to stop leading me on and he was prepared for me to not want to talk to him anymore. Afterwhich we spoke only a few times and did not see eachother for 3 1/2 months. Since then it's been the way I described above and we've seen eachother i think twice.
I am indeed getting fed up with the circumstances which is why I wish to confront him but in person.
I've never been in a relationship before and this is my first experience so I'm not sure how to navigate. That being said I am by no means perfect or even normal so I understand the effect myself may have had on things.
It just hurts (ofc) because I'm naturally emotionally guarded and he's the first person I decided to sort of let my guard down with and I honestly really thought he was going to be the one. I know how that sounds but it's the truth.😮‍💨

[SteveSmith1985]

Thinking he was going to be "the one" doesn't sound silly. In fact, I think that's exactly how you should feel about anyone you date. Otherwise, what's the point?

That being said... what you need to watch out for is: Not allowing yourself to put-up with 'mistreatment' because of how strong your feelings are for somebody.

This is a common, universal trap. Everybody has to be on guard when it comes to "accepting less than you deserve" becuse of how strongly you feel about somebody. But when you mention that this is your first relationship, and that this is the first person who has broken through your emotional guards... It makes me especially worried you might be succeptable to that.

In other words, this guy has made you feel a way nobody else has ever made you feel before. Made you feel ways you didn't even realize were possible before getting close to him. The danger with that, is "what wouldn't you (anyone) put-up with to not lose that connection entirely". It's a situation that you REALLY have to try and "keep your head about".

It's very easy to follow-your-heart into a situation where you're putting up with being treated in a way you'd never have been ok with before meeting that person. I'm going to say... that's what you've been doing since he told you he wasn't ready to commit.

Honestly, the fact that you two ended up in this situation AFTER having become close on a romantic footing. This is so much sadder if there was a point when you were doing the "I love yous" and talking about marriage and kids.

I was definitely assuming that this was a guy you wanted to date, but who NEVER had given you the impression he was looking to commit. The fact that you grew-close to him thinking he was "the one" makes you putting up with this so much sadder (and more "wrong" too).

I am so glad to hear that you're fed-up. You should be. You're being treated unfairly.

[SteveSmith1985]

Although... I can't really blame him tbh, because he WAS clear about where he was coming from... it's just... you SHOULD have walked-away at that point, like he was expecting. Since you didn't... I can't blame him for "mistreating you". Nevertheless, you're certainly being mistreated. Because you're "accepting" this situation.

I'm glad you're intending to clear things up. That's definitely a good thing. You need to. And it's fine to do it in person. That makes sense to me as well.

BUT... here's the thing:

You need to be prepared to walk-away.

You need to know GOING IN to that conversation "what you're ok with; and what you aren't ok with."

If he cannot commit to a situation you ARE "ok with"... then you need to walk away. PERIOD.

Which is why I say you should have walked away before, rather than agreeing to this arrangement. That's why he expected you would walk away. Because anyone would walk away (otherwise they would be accepting a situation where they're being treated unfairly in order to stay... which is what happened here).

So this conversation you have with him... more likely than not WILL end up with you walking away. You need to come to terms with that. That's the LIKELY outcome.

He told you that all the plans for the future, and all that... were no longer something he was able/willing to do. He was honest with you about that. Which is the right thing for him to have done.

He basically "broke up with you". Maybe not in those words. But that's exactly what he did. He said "I no longer want/am able to be with you. My future will not be the one you and I have imagined in which we're together".

That IS what he said to you essentially, right?

The unusual part, comes when your answer to that is something along the lines of:
"Well... I'd still like to see you sometimes. Even if not as often. And we can still have sex too. But... I hear you... you're not able to commit".

THAT's the situation you're in.

[SteveSmith1985]

So odds are, this conversation ends with you having to walk-away because he's not willing/able to commit.

You NEED him to commit. Maybe that's the part I'm not being explicit about, but should be. You have feelings for him. You need a full-on mutual-relationship where he feels the same way. Or nothing.

There is no healthy middle-ground.

That's one of the hard parts about relationships generally speaking. It's really an "all-or-nothing" situation when you really like someone. If they can't be what you need/deserve... as painful as it is... you DO need to be able to walk-away.

So it's possible that the conversation ends with you two deciding to get back together. But there is no reason to think so. As far as you're aware, he is not ready to commit (still). It's YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS that needs to change. Unless he's actually changed his mind... you should be "confronting" him to explain that YOU are changing things, because you're not ok with continuing the way things are. If he changes his mind... great. But you have to assume his feelings are the same as those he last told you about. That he's not ready to commit.

You do indeed sound like an exceptionally sweet and kindhearted girl. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime if you want any "second-oppinions" about navigating relationships. I'm not going to claim to have it all figured out. But I'm usually pretty good at giving someone a second-set of eyes when it comes to interpreting people's relationship situations.

[Anonymous]

When you allow friends with benefits, you immediately send the message that you aren't worthy of commitment. Only a woman that has the strong self esteem, self control, strict boundaries and self respect to decline friends with benefits and reject any half measures or intimacy will be considered worthy of commitment.

Thus your focus on the pictures and his other behavior are fruitless, because at the back of his mind, he knows you are allowing him access to your mind, body, soul and essence without him having to demonstrate himself worthy. In a way, it's similar to men that try to buy female companionship through money and gifts. Those women may spend time with the guy, go out with him, or accept his gits, but they will never see him as worthy because he allowed her access to his money, soul, essence and body without her proving herself worthy...

[JustAGirl393]

I can see that... of course I hate to think it though

[Anonymous]

To me, the pictures sound like not only a consolation prize, but a manipulative tactic, amongst other moves I’m sure he’s pulled over the past year to keep you reeled in. He knows you want commitment, and gives you just enough attention to make you feel like a relationship is coming some day. But the fact of the matter is — he doesn’t want that, and the sucky part about this fact is that he can always fall back on it. If you start asking too many questions about progressing or pressuring him in any way, he can pull the ‘well I told you I’m not ready for that yet’, or leans into his trauma to make you feel bad (he’s probably gone through things in his past that keep him in fear of committing. Typical.). It’s a big, selfish game where he gets to have his cake and eat it too by taking advantage of your love for him (after a year I am sure you love him.). So my advice is to stop searching for the silver linings with this guy. Forget everything he’s said or promised, all you have is right now and his actions do not match the words. You can’t get back the time you’ve invested, or erase the feelings you’ve acquired, but you can do better going forward.

[devilish-cutie]

He says he's not ready to commit - take his word for it, there is no any hidden meaning behind his any other behavior. Men can like you, fuck you, treat you nice and do it all just for sex and generally feeling good. He doesn't want any obligation, thats it. If you want, move on.

[Iron_Man]

You have to talk out your problems and find out why he doesn’t want to commit

[JustAGirl393]

I know... I've never been in a relationship before so I'm struggling navigating this one and I want to talk but he's a bit avoidant. We had a talk once where he said he has always been that way and he knows it's not right but he just doesn't feel he's ready to settle down and he said that he doesn't want things to end badly between us if we were to get together and then break up he wouldn't be able to handle it. I know he hasn't had a "serious" relationship/ girlfriend since high school (he's 26) and he has mentioned how I'm a little young and also doesn't want to hold me back.
There are multiple ways to take this info but I'm not sure which to take because I'm worried about being too naive. As much as I want to believe him I'm not sure I should

[Iron_Man]

Then don’t give up any sex

[Iron_Man]

He wants the milk but doesn’t want to buy the cow

[JustAGirl393]

Of course lol that's what we all want isn't it

[Iron_Man]

Not me

[Guy13]

very... very strange.