I’m very intense and a perfectionist. I don't know how to connect on dates. How can I relax and not worry?

[Anonymous]

just wondering

[Anonymous]

Just get to know men as friends, then later on go out with them

[Asker]

I feel like I’m so uptight and have a lot of boring dates.

[Opinion Owner]

Are you worried about being a boring person? I’m sure you’re not. Introverts can be awesome. Most of my friends are introverts. They’re loyal, intelligent, sensitive, amusing and good listeners. Do you really think that’s boring, especially to talkers like me and guys with similar personalities?

[Asker]

I never get a second date. I look like my photos and everything, all recent photos. I just show up and try my best to have a good conversation and they just never follow up after that. I don’t do any un - classy behaviors.

[Opinion Owner]

Hmmm just thinking.. do you try too hard sometimes to be good and kind to them? Guys tend to even religious ones, like a good girl with bad streaks. But then, not all do. I’ll tell you a true story. It happened to my good friend I’ll call *Claire*. It’s a true story.

[Opinion Owner]

My good friend Claire was a very pretty, slim, sweet and virginal good girl for most of her life. Just like Sandy from Grease or Janet from The Rocky Horror show. But Asian. I met her at church. She had the whole package apart from dressing down too much and being too serious. She was very pretty, extremely intelligent and very warm, loving, generous and kind. Just so good she was wonderful. She wasn’t meeting any men. We both wondered why not. She asked me why not and I suggested she try online dating on a Christian site. There she found her prince. He’s ordinary looking but has a good job and Asian too. He immediately valued her and before too long he married her, against his parent’s wishes, for health reasons I don’t need to go into. Which was a huge deal. They had a daughter. I was at their wedding. A more joyous and lovely wedding I haven’t seen and while I’ve attracted more men physically, she’s the one happily married to a special man with a beautiful daughter. True story.

[Opinion Owner]

The moral of the story? Quality over quantity and often slow and steady really does win the race.

[Asker]

Yeah, I feel like it’s probably the men because I can’t find anything I’m doing wrong. They just don’t seem attracted to me. I’m like the girl you just described here. I’m frustrated because it makes me feel undesirable or something. Because I’ve been single for like 4 years.

[Opinion Owner]

Well my friend found her guy on Eharmony and there’s nothing wrong with being a bit different. I tried autistic friendship and dating site, Hiki and just meeting people through mutual friends. Church group is a good place, too. I’d advise against meetup bar activities. Maybe a Contiki tour?

[Opinion Owner]

I know you’re thinking ‘some of these sites have men with Asperger’s! You’re asking me to date a man with Autism? Well, no. I’m suggesting that you could consider the possibility of dating someone with mild Asperger’s. I’ve got one guy off Hiki and one of Autistic friendship and dating and they’re really smart, sensitive types. They’re waiting for me, until we see if we’re meant to marry.

[Opinion Owner]

So these 2 and my friend’s husband.. these dating sites or church group is my advice. You don’t have to become really promiscuous to get a man. You just haven’t met the right one yet. That’s my sense.

[Opinion Owner]

I can say it really is them. You’re not meeting guys in the right places. That’s all it is. These jerks realise you’re not as easy as many and they’re not going to be able to use you. So they move on.

[Opinion Owner]

Remember my friend is married with a little girl now and I’m the ‘party girl;’ or I was anyway and I’m still single. What does that tell you?

[Asker]

I just don’t understand because I’m told I’m attractive physically. Never had any cosmetic surgery or anything so I’m natural. But I’m classy and just honestly normal. I wonder if you’re right that they just don’t think I’m easy. I’m just frustrated because I really push myself to be my best. I even considered do I have Autism? Maybe my social skills aren’t as sharp as I think.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I think they’re the problem. I’m just going by what worked for me. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for four years with a USA guy. I met him off the Autistic friendship and Dating site. He respects me, he’s intelligent and sensitive. The other good one, I found on Hiki. My point wasn’t that I think you’re Autistic. I’m meaning that it’s best to go for the nerdy guys; and I’m telling you where to find them. Nerdy guys make the best longterm partners.

[Asker]

I think I just don’t connect with ‘normal’ people. I am just so much deeper and I’m also a computer scientist. Most people just don’t even challenge me on the dating scene. Maybe I show up, I’m classy and beautiful and I’m also smart and they just think I can find someone better than them easily and they don’t want to put in more effort if I’ll just move on…?

[Opinion Owner]

You’re not a nerd. Neither am I really but needs are more grateful to have a decent woman and more likely to stay faithful. They can still be decent looking. Or ok looking.

[Opinion Owner]

Nerds

[Asker]

That makes a lot of sense. Oh girl I’m definitely a nerd haha. I am super passionate about horses and finance and stuff. But I also ask a lot of questions to my date about things too.

[Opinion Owner]

Now I see. You’re trying to fit in with more basic people. You need to find more people like you. If you’re extremely bright, try University activities through meetup, church group and all the dating sites I’ve mentioned. You need someone intelligent.

[Asker]

I date guys who are like lawyers and other types of professionals but even they’re boring lol. I want someone curious. Oh and they were also like 10+ years older than me.

[Opinion Owner]

My friend is studying to become a psychologist. She’s probably not far from being a genius and she found someone on Eharmony. Someone gave me really good advice. Not to get involved with anyone you wouldn’t be proud to introduce to your inner circle as your partner or fiancé.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m not a genius like you are but I’m reasonably intelligent and have had similar problems. Tried dating another scientist or an engineer or professor?

[Opinion Owner]

I agree that an intellectual equal is essential. Kindness and humour too

[Opinion Owner]

You honestly sound fine. Just much brighter than most people. There’s nothing wrong with that. Also, having a law degree doesn’t necessarily make someone good beyond book learning.

[Asker]

That makes so much sense. Wow thanks for all of your help ♥️ I needed to hear this tonight. It’s so lonely because I kept blaming myself for everything.

[Asker]

I guess I just wonder what the guys are thinking from their perspective about me?
One guy I dated was so mean and told another girl that I’m obsessed with horses and he thinks I’m autistic because there was no connection.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re welcome and I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’re far too smart for the guys you’re dating and you’re not slutty enough for them basically and you’ve been looking in the wrong places for partners. Try Eharmony, Hiki and Autistic Dating and Friendship. Claire and I met our matches there. xo

[Asker]

Thank you so much girl. You’re amazing!!! 🥹♥️💕

[Opinion Owner]

Men get intimidated by women who are smarter and more interesting than they are.

[Opinion Owner]

You can follow me on here if you ever feel like a chat 😊. If you don’t, that’s fine too xo

[slatyb]

The first step is to name it. What specifically do you worry about?

[Asker]

That I’m not good enough.

[slatyb]

I expect that you are plenty good enough. I felt the same way in my twenties, got into a disastrous marriage, then in my mid-30's I started seeing a therapist and that basically saved my life. If you can, I recommend finding someone you can talk to about this.

What specific flaws do you believe would be a deal-breaker for a prospective partner?

[Asker]

I just have anxiety and depression. I feel like they’ll see that and then stop being interested. Or I feel like I constantly have to look good all the time.

[slatyb]

Counseling could make a big difference. Medication also might help. Try both.

[Heterosketero]

Meetup. com. Work up to dating from platonic interactions?

[TheSpaceGnome]

Hobbies.