Guys, if someone approach you on Tinder with a fear of intimacy looking to get over it by slowly experimenting with you, what should she say?

[Amondee]

I have an unusual question to ask and I'd really appreciated your thoughts and advices.

I have a crippling fear of intimacy (emotional & physical) and it has prevented me from having any meaningful relationships so far. I'm outgoing, funny, sweet... but as soon as it becomes romantic, I run away faster that the Road Runner. In my (very few) previous relationships, I either ended things very quickly because of the constant anxiety I felt or I ended up being dumped just as quick because the only men I feel close to are those who are clearly just as scared of relationships as I am. Before now, I was travelling, exploring life in solo and not taking this fear very seriously. I thought someday I'd meet someone and I'll get over this fear naturally.

But now I'm 34, I'm being realistic, it's getting in the way and I'll be a "forever alone living meme" if I never put myself out there. I did a 2 year therapy to look at the root of it all and now I want to get over it so I'm trying things slowly (just asking for your help in here is already a huge step for me). Every time I'm trying something, it's like I have arachnophobia and I have to motivate myself to enter a pool of spiders, it's hard to not give up... But anyway, a few months ago, I thought I'd give Tinder a shot. I wasn't able to swipe anyone right (even those I liked) because it meant I had to be vulnerable and explain my situation but now I would like to challenge myself to engage with a man, ask him out and workout a very chill relationship where I can explore my fear slowly.

And that's where my question is : If you were approached by someone like me on Tinder, how would you like to be asked for that type of relationship? Would you be turned off by all this?

It may sound like a stupid question, but I have genuinely no idea how to explain myself without sounding like I want to experiment on you. It's not a one night stand, it's not a sex friend relationship either because if I choose you, I like you. Thoughts?

[quaranta]

Tinder is mostly used for casual encounters, maybe you should try OKCupid that focuses on compatibility, through a questionnaire, although I think you can find high compatibility in environments that collect people who share your same interests and hobbies.
Anyway, I have similar issues, not really fear of "intimacy" itself but mostly fear of losing myself and my spaces, and options in life (not in terms of guys but in projects etc). I'm not fully committed to my partner in an actual relationship but I'm loyal and very constant in my bond. Just it's hard to go more than that. I think some aspects that make this relationship possible anyway are that he doesn't demand my time, we can reply after many hours, we can reject things, and nobody ever gets offended or needy at all. This gives me a lot of space to breath.
Other than that we share niche interests and humor, that allows me to share these things with him instead of excluding him from my activities, so I think compatibility is a very important aspect as well.
Not sure this works for your case too, but if you think it fits it might help selecting a partner who has a wide understanding of boundaries, space, and who is autonomous alone, not needy, and compatible.
Aside from that, I'm going to say something quite "unpopular", but I think to some extent you can manage to force yourself into a relationship (as long as the guy is very very well selected, for reasons), if you think about it like something that "has to be", like if it was arranged and couldn't be anything else for both. Like if you're supposed to share the rest of your life with that person. If you think like that (both) you could be more keen to put cooperation in solving conflicts and problems together for the sake of the working relationship, not because scared to break it up but scared that you'll live it negatively, since you "can't break up" (in theory, if you go in that mentality), because it's a kind of "family member". You don't have to propose this to a guy but just to imagine it yourself, to push yourself to fix things and adapt to each other instead of running away instantly. You might discover how some things were easier afterall, and how you could understimate the ability to adapt to things that aren't harmful themselves.
Not sure it will work but it could help you remain more time into a relationship and developing these knowledges more, any time you go past a conflict without escaping away.
Lastly, define anyway what you want from a man (to yourself), because if you don't want an actual relationship but only a "main person" then you might go for asexuals or for developing a best friendship with someone (possibly someone sexually incompatible). If you want a relationship instead you might want something more mature and permanent like a sense of stability and familiarity, or you might want an unpredictable adventure with ups and downs that comes as it is. Understand it in order to not play with anyone's feelings and in order to select men better, and especially the place you are trying to know them from.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Tinder and most dating apps aren’t a good place to meet people. At least not for meeting people who want a serious relationship. That being said the fear of intimacy that you have isn’t something most men want to take on. If you haven’t talked to a therapist I would certainly recommend it. However there are only so many things that they can do for you. They are bound by their ethics to draw a line that doesn’t extend into intimacy.
I say all this because I have, in the past, help women overcome their sexual traumas. However it takes a leap of faith and a good deal of trust. The other thing that they need is the willingness to want to let let go of their fears and move on with their life. It’s not exactly something that can be solved with one post to this forum but over time with someone you can be intimate with but with the understanding of a noncommittal relationship. I’d love to explain more if you want to know more so please PM me and we can talk.

[caring__1]

Guys on Tinder are probably just looking to satisfy themselves, so that's not the ideal format for what you are seeking. I'd suggest you contact your therapist and ask for a recommendation for a certified or licensed sex therapist. Someone who specializes in intimacy would probably the next step for you. They also have surrogates who can slowly and sensitively help you overcome your fears and learn to enjoy intimacy. Choosing someone who has no training or experience is more likely to traumatize you than move you forward.

[mobiusforniner]

You ever hear of that saying, "pay for what you get"? In the world of relationships, quality is directly proportional to effort. Tinder and online dating, odds are good but the good are all odd. And you'll be left broken hearted more likely than not.

I've dated women who have the avoidant attachment style to describe. How is your social life? Friends? Hobbies? Start there, you will find like minded men who are more likely to love and be loved than simply looking for a casual encounter

[Guy13]

Anatomy and Physiology sound like a good time. “You think I’m stupid…I’m not but okay…you’re cute.”

[misogynistic_pig]

If someone approaches you on Tinder and expresses their fear of intimacy but is interested in slowly experimenting with you, it's important to have an open and honest conversation about their expectations and boundaries.

You can start by telling him that you appreciate his honesty and that you are willing to listen and support his emotional needs.

It's important to set clear boundaries and respect their wishes to take it easy. You should also be honest about your own needs and expectations in the relationship, and work together to find a balance that works for both of you.

In general, open, honest, and respectful communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to issues of intimacy and emotional vulnerability.

You should always prioritize mutual respect and emotional safety in any interaction with another person.

[magiusX26]

honestly, the 1st piece of advice i could give would be NOT to use tinder where you have to match 1st to communicate but instead, a reputable other such app where you can message without matching. next advice would be to ease into the details as in some of it in layers at a time. as for if i. was a guy you were attempting to on such, your slower way would be a little closer to ideal to me but your age would be a huge deterent (sorry but fertility clock/calendar) as 3o plus (34) means next to no safe way to have children and many guys are going to want that option. yes technically you are still able to become a bio mom but at a higher risk by the month of not concieving, not carrying to term, having birth defects, and delivery/post delivery health complications. so you will likely be weeding through an extra amount of guys looking only for adult fun but not full commitment.

[magiusX26]

as well as at your age you will get some of the younger guys with cougar/milf/mommy fetishes/quirks.

[strlb]

First know that you're not alone. In fact a lot of people face similar fear contrary to what most believe. I would strongly encourage you to meet someone on Tinder or similar and have a few casual convos and meet ups to ensure there is chemistry.. you want to feel something just get laid, right or am I wrong and you solely want to experience despite looks and chemistry? DM always open.

[katiesmuff]

First of all I wouldn't be caught ever using any of these junk social media sites for anything. This site is dumb as they come and it is at least better than all these social sites that only cause problems.

[Marked_Man]

Tinder is the wrong place looking for getting away from fear of intimacy. If anything, you'll have more fear after Tinder. It's likely you'll be used by guys for quick sex. Then you'll never want relationship intimacy after.

[MrCommodore]

How you communicate it would be very important, if communicated clearly I probably would be willing to.

[Juxtapose]

I'd give you a shot but I wouldn't exactly be thrilled about it. Why? Because you're probably going to be pretty frigid with affection in general to a certain extent for the rest of your life and I like a lot of warmth thrown my way.

[Shark_61695]

I'm the same, girls just seem to want sex... anyone would think sweeping generalisations.
There are people out there who want similar things, finding them is nigh impossible though.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if you’ll ever find a guy that patient unless he’s asexual and doesn’t ever want sex, Tinder is not a good place to go for that

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I wouldn't want to be approached by you. Because you're simply too much trouble.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t everyone on that site have a fear of it? Like come on.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

I'd prefer slow, anyway.

[Anonymous]

It’s a trap.