My girlfriend keeps having mental breakdowns about the future. What should I do?

[green_shell]

My (M22) girlfriend (F24) doesn't have a driver's license and works at a warehouse. We've been dating for over 2 years, and during that time, she's postponed getting her driver's license. She doesn't exactly need it right now, as she rides to work with her brother, and if she does go out it's with her parents. Since we started dating, my goal was to motivate here to get her license, as we live 1 hr and 30 min away from each other, and I hate driving.

Every once in a while, she has a mental breakdown about not finishing college and not getting her driver's license. I try to be there for her, but every time, she brushes me off saying she doesn't want to talk about it and will later (we never do). The reason behind not getting a license has been anxiety and fear of accidents, which I understand, but it's just one of life's many risks. I've been trying to reason with her about it, and how it's a life skill she needs to have, since with my job, I won't be able to drive her everywhere at any time.

We are both about to get new jobs and move to another state, and she understands she needs to find another job, get her driver's license, and a car. However, she's been breaking down more and more frequently, as there's no "set plan" 2-3 months ahead. Apparently, she wants set dates when we want to move, even though apartment availability doesn't pop up until ~2 months prior to move-in.

She said she manipulated her into thinking she could become a stay at home wife (I can't tell if this was a joke or not), and that kind of got me. Although I do not mind that sort of situation, right now would be a bit awkward to do since I am trying to at least build some savings/financial backing before we get married.

Updates

1 y

Every breakdown, she cries and shuts down, and I try my best to comfort and motivate her. Whenever she sees a friend from high school graduate from college or buy a house, she breaks down, and says how she should've just finished college and got her license in high school. When she's not breaking down, she talks about wanting to win the lottery and how her life would be so easy, and how she would spend the winnings.

Updates

1 y

She hasn't done much to progress. About a half year into dating, she started doing driving lessons with her dad and got her permit, but has since not driven. All of these breakdowns are really wearing me out, and with being close to moving in together in a new state, it feels a little overwhelming. She knows she needs the bare minimum a license before we move, and ideally a job, but she's really freaking out about it.

[lightbulb27]

Such a powerful example of how early life trauma snowballed into other trauma which now has her so stuck on the past, she can't get to a future... even with a good guy.

Try dragging a "mule" that doesn't want to move... it won't. This girl is primed to be a hoarder and have other emotional/mental hangups without some intervention.

The real answer is to heal her internal emotional wounds, and they need to be discovered. There's stuff that went wrong in childhood that creates fear, fear solidified into sadness, regret. Inshort, fear is controlling her.. what is that underlying fear? Need to replace that with truth, love, hope, faith, etc..

In short:

The wounds are in her past, those need to be uncovered and resolved with love and truth. Out from that springs new life.

There is a lot of opportunity in church, in Christ, to heal and renew, only place I know that addresses these major topics. At minimum, listen to postive music! Remove all negative influences.

There is some of this in just deciding to improve and doing it. It requires letting go of the past... and that's hard. example:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/FWXXvFe_7ac

Lots of this she could do herself or together.

A therapist can help...$$$, maybe. The work is hers though. Maybe hypnosis help, never tried it.

Things you can do to dispose of the past ritually. Like write them down and burn them. Journal, and develop new plans. Look into Jewelneverbroken... she did all this. The answers are out there!

Lastly, just creating new patterns helps establish better behavior. Set small incremental goals, work on them.

This is a problem with human beings. They can be broken! And you have to decide how long you stay with them, how to support them, etc.. It's not easy choice sometimes.

You're a GREAT guy! I wish you the best, lmk if you have questions.

[dynamicyandere]

As a couple users have already pointed out, I believe it’s best that she start seeing a mental health professional.


That’s more important than getting a license or a job at this point.


She sounds like she’s unable to function properly in life with her crippling anxiety and mental breakdowns.


If you want to move forward with this girl, you’ll need to be prepared to be patient with her mental health issues indefinitely.


If you want to power through it, if you think you can handle this forever, if you love this girl that much, more power to you.


But, if you really can’t sustain being her long term partner, and she’s not willing to get help, then it may be best to part ways because it will choke the life out of you if you stay in one-sided relationships like this.


Next thing you know, you may start feeling dead inside, hurt, resentful, and falling out of love.


That process has happened to me a couple of times with girls that had some mental health issues to sort out.


You can only help people what want to be helped.


So whatever you choose to do, ask yourself, “Is this sustainable? Can I keep this up forever?”


If the answer is no, then she needs to seek help, otherwise the relationship is doomed.

[PrettyPriya]

Well, this sounds like she needs to see a professional. She has some type of fear and hangup about getting her license. I agree with you that fear of accidents is legit. However, you can get in an accident anywhere, not just in a car. I also have to wonder if it is a bit of a fear of failing that test.

Maybe that is part of the reason she keeps putting it off. The reason I say this is because of how you mentioned her not completing university. She might feel like a failure because of that and therefore does not want to add to it by failing a driver's test.

This is just a guess and I am not a licensed therapist. That is really what she needs. Someone that can listen to her and everything she has to say and get an overall picture. This is what I would be trying to get her to do. Be supportive and see if she is receptive to talking to someone.

Another thing is to get her family to nudge her so it is just not you doing it. Sometimes it takes a group. She might see that everyone has the same opinion and that might be enough to get her to do it.

[msc545]

In her current state, this person is not safe to drive. I think he should drop that issue completely and focus on getting her professional help for her anxiety.

[MzAsh]

It sounds like severe stress and anxiety. With that long standing pattern of breakdowns, I’d encourage her to seek advice from a mental health professional. I will say though that I also had a fear of driving and didn’t get my license until I was 33. My advice is to be patient but don’t baby her, and don’t let her baby herself to the point where she withdraws from everything that’s hard in life and you’re stuck doing everything for her.

[Guy13]

Get her to a counselor for strategies.

[Avicenna]

Sounds like she needs counseling

[jshm2]

Why the fuck are you bothering with this mental patient?

You're just wasting both your times, and you've done her no favours after 2 years of dating. Things are not going to change in 12 years either, you deranged clown.

Move along and let her move along as well. She's clearly out of your depth to help and you're just wasting time to tap that ass.

[malwins]

😅😅😅

[Sasha0426]

For a grown ass man, you act like a stupid teenager talking like that.

[msc545]

Sounds a lot like she has an anxiety disorder. Dealing with this is difficult enough for mental health professionals, and much worse for untrained people. It is very easy to become irritated at the need for constant attention and reassurance from the anxious person. She needs professional help.

Are you really prepared to be married to this person and spend the next 50 years dealing with her anxiety and her demands?

[BagoH]

Exactly man, this dude is in for one hell of a ride unless she fixes her mental problems. By all means don't get married as she is, it's going to drain all your life out.

[Anonymous]

I am not suggesting you should do this.. But we're I in your shoes, I would drop her. I have zero time in my life to deal with someone who doesn't "have it together". Nor is it my job to fix things for her, she needs to either accept her situation or do something to resolve it.

[Heterosketero]

Take her for the test, be there all the way. Some people truly need it. I drove illegal for two years before my test. Many are struggling existentially right now, sounds like she is too.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you’re the more mature one with realistic goals, don’t know what her problem stems from but she needs to face her fears and reality, or you’ll be taking care of her, and need to making good money for that

[Anonymous]

This is actually really simple; do or do not, there is no (thing gained from) worry.

[Anonymous]

I assume you had to be the one to ask her out and hit on her

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Spank her and spank her hard

[SpudSteer]

The Bible is truly powerful