My relationship is failing. I’m not sure what to do and need advice?

[DeeLoren]

So me & my partner have been together a while. We have a 6 month old, as well. When we met, he was very thoughtful and did things to make me feel valued. As such, I reciprocated those feelings. We had a great relationship. One year & a half into dating, he went to a strip club behind my back. I found out. I told him I did not like the fact that he hid this from me. His excuse was that he does not have to tell me every detail of his life but apologized profusely after and has been working ever since to gain my trust back. But I will admit I am having such a hard time trusting him completely. I feel that he will just lie about something else. He sat me down multiple times and told me he loves me and would never cheat & that he personally does not feel going to a strip club is even cheating- that it’s entertainment. He claims to have not gone to one since. But there’s so many other types of entertainment that don’t even choosing to stare at naked women. We still argue about it two years later bc of me and practically every time he travels, we get into fights almost the entire time he is away. I’m just asking for communication and reassurance from him. He told me he is getting tired of it and is sick of me bc all he has done is try and I need to “get over it” . I’m not sure what to do. I try to talk things out and he always gets defensive. Any advice would be appreciated. I wonder if I should even stay with someone like this. He is currently in Vegas for poker but of course I’m sure he is out and about. He turned on his location services. But he doesn’t really reach out to me at all just to help me feel a bit more secure. I’m not asking for him to speak to me 24/7 just sometimes so I can know he is trying. I don't know am I asking for too much is he not doing enough? Am I in the wrong here? Is he? I feel like this is the last leg we have to stand on and it’s gonna break by the time he gets back.

[caring__1]

You say he's defensive any time you start talking. That tells me you are probably talking at him, and he feels attacked. I'm not saying his actions are ideal, but you only have control over yourself, so focus on what you are doing rather than what you believe he should be doing. I'm not saying you need to stay in this relationship, but you'll never have a healthy relationship with anyone till you learn effective communication skills. Never assume talking and communicating are the same. He's not going to let down his guard as long as you feel entitled to attack him. Learn what you can do to influence growth in the relationship, but as long as your total focus is on him changing you'll only be frustrated and disappointed.

[DeeLoren]

Thank you. This was very insightful as I do feel we have poor communication skills and he immediately just gets so annoyed and dismissive. What are some examples of talking to him rather than at?

[caring__1]

In healthy communication, our goal is to see things through the other person's eyes, not shove our perspective down their throat and insist they listen. Healthy communicators seek clarification and deeper understanding. If you insist on being heard, he won't hear anything you say. In a healthy relationship, we prioritize making sure everyone feels safe, secure and special, and that doesn't appear to be a priority for you.

If whatever you are doing isn't working, don't just continue doing the same thing and add intensity. You're not going to be able to push that square peg through the round hold. By the way, we communicate with a person, not at or to the person. Show a desire to understand how things impact the other person. You can say "In what way?" "Give me some examples" "How might that impact the results?" "Help me to see the long-term objective" "Help me to see where we are going with this conversation" "This is what I'm hearing... Please let me know if I am hearing correctly, or help me to see things more clearly." Another way to stop the attacks is to stop using the word "You," which others will hear as an irrefutable statement of fact.

[DeeLoren]

Could you please clarify how you came to the conclusion that making my partner feel safe and secure etc does not seem to be a priority to me? Only asking bc I feel the opposite- as in I feel I am doing just that. The things you are saying are very helpful so I would just like to continue getting some more insight from you.

[caring__1]

We get on the defensive when we don't feel safe. We believe the other person is intentionally causing us pain or discomfort. Insisting your perspective is the only true perspective is insisting others see things only through your eyes, and their perspective is irrelevant. I'm sure you don't like others minimizing what makes sense to you.

Secure is about stability over time, allowing us to plan and predict our future. If we don't see a way to be true to ourselves and avoid conflict, then we believe we can never achieve positive results. If the only consistency we see is negative, we'll go into a shell, escape or attack.

When we feel criticized, we become resistant to change and less likely to take the other person's feelings into consideration. You'll never see a positive result from criticism. With non-stop criticism, we believe we'll never measure up to the other person's expectations, that we've failed and disappointed the other person. This prevents us from feeling special. It is fine to share what we appreciate or what we've discovered works best for us. That's education, and the best relationships are those where both prioritize being both student and teacher. We want to learn all we can (in a safe environment) and clearly share what we've discovered about ourselves.

If you want healthy communication, get rid of these commonly used actions: Don't accuse, assume, blame, criticize, demand, rationalize, yell or tell the other person what that person should or shouldn't do.

[Truthatanycost]

The only real way to save this relationship is through prayer / God and confession of scripture over yourself, the problem and everything related. I would look at scripture about marriage, relationships and how we should treat each other. This is likely the only way. I've seen complete transformation through such ways but most human-beings are intent to take all of these sorts of things on their own shoulders, or they go to see another human-being thinking it will help... but they forget who created them, the world and everything else. Each of us have the Holy Spirit within, and when this is acknowledged, nurtured and embraced, then we start to live in a very different way. Not only would he get to the point that he stopped Poker and strip clubs, he wouldn't even be able to go anywhere near them. The choice is yours...

[Screenwriter]

I think you are being ridiculous about a man going to a strip club and saying that your relationship is failing because he wants you to be reasonable about him going to watch dancers. He is not sexually involved with anyone else. It IS entertainment.

You are obsessing over a minor incident and blowing it out of proportion. This man has told you he loves you, yet you are stuck on this as if it were a major transgression.

I think you need to see a therapist and work through your reasons behind these feelings. He does NOT have to tell you everywhere he goes and everything he does. Nor does he expect you to do this for him. It sounds very controlling of you and is not healthy.

Please get help to get over this and keep what seems to be a positive relationship alive.

[DeeLoren]

you’re way too aggressive. I think people have the right to have different boundaries in their relationships. I’m not asking for him to tell me where he is 24/7 but it was a discussion I had with him when we were dating that that was something I did not feel a man in a relationship should do. So the fact that he hid it from me is my issue.

[Screenwriter]

Maybe it was a discussion you had when you were dating. But it's clearly not something HE felt he shouldn't do. It's something YOU felt. He likely hid it from you because he knew it would upset you and he was right. Are you sure it's ONLY that he hid it from you, or is it both that he hid it from you AND you don't think it was right...

You've said you don't think you can trust him after this incident and because of it your relationship is failing.

I don't see this as the red flag you're seeing and I truthfully think you should talk to a professional about these feelings. I am not a professional, but there is some source of your being disturbed about this incident that seems drastic. That is simply my opinion. You can ignore it.

I understand about different boundaries. But it appears HIS boundaries are different than YOURS. If you cannot resolve this difference, you will have to go your separate ways. I think you can, but it will require more work from you than from him. He hid his visit to the strip club for a valid reason. He didn't want to upset you. I don't know how you found out. I hope it wasn't from a friend.

But it's good you DID find out, because now you have to evaluate what is most important. Good luck.

[DeeLoren]

My problem is he was aware of how I felt and instead of respecting my boundaries, bc when agreeing to a relationship, you’re saying that you will respect that, he did not. When I confronted him, yes he was honest but he was SECRETIVE about it. I don’t want a relationship where my partner is going to hide things he does bc he knows I do not like it. The fact that he and I had this conversation and he went through with it is what hurts me most. I don’t keep things from my partner nor do I do things behind my partners back especially if it is something they are not comfortable with.

I respect your opinion but my main point here is, if he can lie about this what else is he willing to lie about? What other things would he be OK with doing behind my back and lie about so as to not hurt me? I do acknowledge that I need therapy to work through these unresolved feelings.

[Screenwriter]

But, he didn't LIE about going there, did he? He simply did not TELL you about it, isn't that correct? He kept it from you. I hope you consider this: What harm is it to YOU if your partner goes to a strip club? He shouldn't go because you think people in relationships shouldn't see exotic dancing? Just how is seeing an exotic dancer a violation of your interpersonal relationship?

There are things you might not like your partner to do that he sees no harm in. You need to come to some sort of compromise on this.

You say you don't keep ANYTHING from your partner, or do anything behind his back. But what harm would it be to your relationship if you went to see male exotic dancers? As he said, it's simply entertainment: SEXY entertainment, which I think is the problem with it for you.

He's looking at and being entertained by a strange woman gyrating suggestively in front of him. But this is harmless folderol men enjoy on occasion.

This isn't a "boundary," but a "rule" you expect him to adhere to while in a relationship with you. Most adults don't like or accept rules imposed upon them from partners, and I can see how he'd think it was draconian of you, especially if he loves you. What IS the reason for such a rule? Because it upsets you?

Is it against your morality? Religion? Sensibilities?

If you had never found out about this, what alteration would there had been in your relationship? I bet there would have been absolutely none. I don't think complete honesty about everything is realistic. Some things, like his jaunt to the strip club, shouldn't be shared. And are harmless.

I see no reason to tell the truth about everything and hurt people uselessly. When there's more harm than good, it is best to keep some things away from your partner. Good luck.

[MJackson1234]

You are driving him mad. Look if you want to know things about him then you can check but not let him know. I will be honest with you. I knew this person that not once has she asked her husband where he was. But every single time when he get home she checks his boxer, pockets, phone, etc. Her mentality is "I am married, I got two kids, great house, cars, loving husband, etc but there lots of skanks out there". So she checks to make sure she ends things before anything gets started. So check but don't confront until you find something and don't stress about it. Live your life normally but keep your eyes open.

[OlderAndWiser]

Why in the hell did you have a child with him? That was a horrible thing to do! It certainly complicates your decision now. Are you living together?

[DeeLoren]

I honestly thought he was someone I could have a future with. I love my son dearly and do not regret having him. He has brought so much meaning and joy to my life. We do love together yes. He recently said that I have ruined his entire vacation and have put him in a bad mood. All I asked for was a bit of communication. A good morning how are you what are you up to etc that was all

[DeeLoren]

Live*

[OlderAndWiser]

I don't see any beams of sunlight trying to break through these dark clouds. Is there loud arguing or fighting at home?

[DeeLoren]

No there is not. I’m starting to be quite doubtful myself honestly

[OlderAndWiser]

Some people will tell you that you should stay together for the sake of your child but growing up in a home where parents feel no mutual love isn't really ideal, either.

[Emanon25]

I believe he is looking for something that you’re not giving him (which is not an excuse for him) but look what you have changed that made him like that.

[DeeLoren]

Thank you

[Emanon25]

You’re welcome

[Nikki1989]

You need to end it with him. There are so many red flags going on here.

[DeeLoren]

Thank you

[Iron_Man]

Go to family counseling