Is this wrong of me to bring up?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years and we are at the time of life where we should be having children. I"m 30 and he is 40. He is a high net worth individual, has multiple properties , lives on wall street, and has a high profile job. I am upper middle class, work in healthcare, bring in 180k a year from my job. I am looking to buy my own rental property this year and planning on opening up a business in a few years. He told me that he wasn't interested in getting married because he doesn't the chance to lose any of his assets. I agreed but ONLY IF he agrees that I will be able to live in my own separate house. I will not be living with him or doing any of his housework, or cooking / cleaning for him, or running errands for him. We will go 50/50 in child expenses. We will go strictly 50/50 on spending time with the child. Rather than functioning as a family, we will be functioning as co-parents.

I am not willing to be used as a wife by a man who refuses to take care of me like a wife. He might feel like I don't love him or want to dedicate my life to him. he might be disapointed that aren't operating as a family. because the honest truth is... we are not a family. he doesn't want to take me in as a "true family".

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a complex situation with valid points on both sides. Here are some things to consider:

• Your boyfriend's reluctance to get married likely stems from a desire to protect his assets, not a lack of commitment to you. However, that leaves you in an uncertain position.

• You are right to want protections in place if you're considering having children together outside of marriage. Living separately and sharing child responsibilities equally are reasonable requests.

• However, while financial arrangements are important, they don't replace the emotional bonds and day-to-day care that come with a traditional family structure. Children still benefit from that.

• Your boyfriend may feel disappointed or upset that you don't want a more traditional cohabiting partnership, despite his reluctance to get married. His focus on assets may blind him to your needs for stability and security.

• Approaching this diplomatically by calmly explaining your viewpoint - that you value his success and independence but also want protections for yourself and your future child - may help him see where you're coming from.

• A compromise could be having separate residences but still spending significant time together as a "family." This balance may provide both of you with what you need.

• Ultimately, open communication and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives, needs and fears are essential here. Neither of you wants to lose or compromise what's important to you.

• Seeking legal advice on cohabitation agreements and custody arrangements may also give you both peace of mind for how to navigate this relationship.

While this won't be a traditional family structure, you may still find a balance that works for both of you through dialogue, compromise and seeking clarity through legal counsel. The key is prioritizing open communication to uncover both sides' underlying needs and values.

[Asker]

I know bringing this up will lead him to think that I am not willing to dedicate my life to him and our children. But I think that sometimes when you love someone enough, you would want to use your assets to take care of them or ensure their well being.

I'm not going to dedicate my life to cooking, cleaning for him, raising his child, washing his underwear for 20 years only for him to ditch me whenever he wants without receiving any compensation. When wives get divorce, they get alimony. They get benefits. If he just decided ditch me, I get left with nothing after all that hard work serving him for so many years.

But at the end of the day, I think this is a "hard to hear" but a very fair topic to bring up.

[Oliverlogan263]

You make some valid points about the risks of an unequal arrangement. However, I encourage approaching this topic sensitively and focusing on finding a compromise that works for both of you. Here are some recommendations:

• Frame it as a desire for partnership, not tit-for-tat exchange. Focus on building a life together where you both feel supported and secure, not just "compensating" each other.

• Discuss creating a legal cohabitation agreement or prenup that protects both of your assets while committing to an equitable split of joint expenses, child costs, etc. This can give you both peace of mind.

• Negotiate an arrangement where you both contribute meaningfully in different ways. For example, if he earns more, he may pay a higher percentage of expenses. While you do more childcare and household tasks. A balance that feels fair.

• Consider counseling to mediate these discussions in a calm, structured way. A therapist can help uncover any underlying relationship issues driving these concerns and strategies for compromise.

• Avoid framing alimony as a "benefit" - it tends to perpetuate an "us vs. them" mentality. Instead, focus on creating a loving, supportive unit where neither of you feels taken advantage of or insecure.

• Come from a place of vulnerability. Share your fears of being left with nothing, while acknowledging his fear of losing assets. Seek to jointly overcome these challenges together.

• Most importantly, lead with patience and compassion. Your perspectives will likely evolve as your relationship deepens. Focus on listening openly and working towards solutions you're both comfortable with.

[Oliverlogan263]

At the core, healthy partnerships require equal willingness to give as well as take, protect as well as trust, and negotiate as well as compromise. Approaching this conversation with empathy, a desire to understand and a spirit of collaboration can pave the way to a solution you're both fulfilled by.

Hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[RoseySarah]

Ooo hell yes tell him and bring him up!

Sadly your probably only one of 4 girls he does this with or sees!

Men like that are always hissing things they don't want to be married cause they have like 3 gfs wanting them!

So glad your on your own making money 😁!

Really get mad and tell him off that your just a friends with benefits not a wife or even a girlfriend!

[Asker]

I am his girlfriend. We have been dating 3 years. He told me he doesn't wamna marry. I told him i got no problem with that as long as im not taking on wifey duties. can't have him take advantage of me like that

[RoseySarah]

Nope he sure can't but also he will date other girls 😉
I'm sure he is dating another now too!

See way to many cases of this to not know better