Why is respectful rejection seen by men as an invitation to try harder?

Question

In June, there was a person who wanted to meet me. I declined his invitations but Then he drove from Shanghai to Suzhou just for me and I felt responsible to at least, go out on a dinner with him since he drove from so fat.  I went on one dinner with him and told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t like to call it a date, because as I mentioned earlier I didn’t have time for dating and I didn’t want him to think it was a date. When I met him, I figured I had zero connection with him, not emotional, not physical, nothing. I also disliked his voice on top of it all.  I would rather stay single eternally than be in a relationship with someone I have zero connection to.  I tried to be gentle to him and told him gently that I was not interested in 2nd meeting because I still had feelings for my ex and I am not ready for a relationship,  he didn’t get the hint.  He bought a ticket and planned a trip to Georgia, just to have common things to talk to me.  I asked him to not do it for me, because I wouldn’t change my mind.  He has been messaging me every month. Asking me why I didn’t want to meet him, is it because of my appearance? And I didn’t want him to have a low opinion of himself, so I told him he is a nice man, I just was not ready and we met at the wrong time and so on.  
 
 He wanted to meet me again and I told him I was in Suzhou, he drove there for me wanted to take me to Shanghai with his car and also told me he has bought something for me on his way, without even asking me. I never knew he was coming there, I told him I was in Suzhou, so maybe he’d leave me alone. At that point, I was already annoyed and didn’t meet him anymore. I left Suzhou by train that night.  Since he didn’t stop messaging me, I told him 2 weeks ago, that I met someone and I am now taken.  That’s not truth. I am single. I just wanted him to forget about me.

dynamicyandere · Accepted Answer

If a man has any social EQ, they would know to back off.

This guy sounds like he will not take no for an answer.

It sounds like he thinks that as long as he persists, you will eventually give him a chance.

By him completely disregarding what you’ve communicated, it makes him someone that does not respect boundaries and will always try to get what he wants without consideration of others—which is a red flag.

It’s important to be considerate and respectful of others and to listen to the thoughts and feelings of others.

Here, it sounds like he’s only concerned about himself and his feelings—without regard to your feelings.

I wouldn’t say this is general male behavior because it sounds like he has a very poor grasp of social cues.

But for males that are like this, they are usually either socially inept or they see romantic pursuits as all challenges to overcome.

When the reality is, relationships go both ways. If someone is completely uninterested in someone else—they shouldn’t be seen as a challenge to overcome, it should be seen as simply poor compatibility and chemistry.

BoopBoopBeep · Accepted Answer

Jesus that was so pathetic I feel the need to go shower FOR him. No, that's not universal. You tell me no I'm immediately over it. I deserve someone who eagerly says yes. Now can we still go get coffee after work as friends? Sure. But REALLY as friends only, not some code word BS.

I would also say you're being too nice at this point because he's gone way past "try harder" into obsessive stalker-ish language and I have expect him to be waiting in an alley with a bottle of ether now.

BeeNee · Accepted Answer

In my opinion, there are three reasons:

1. Ego: this is the guy that feels he is so hot or so awesome, that no woman can resist his charms. He will not take no for an answer because he's not used to hearing it especially from someone he is pursuing. It becomes a game for which he is only accustomed to winning.

2. The Try Hard: it's called "shoot your shot," not fire 18 rounds and see if one sticks, but this guy will keep at it until he thinks he's worn you down. If you are nice to him, he thinks that's his in even if you are nice to literally everybody.

3. Crazy: This is the lunatic you have to worry about who has a manifesto online about how women "owe him," after all the effort he's put in and the rejection he's felt. If you feel someone following you after work, beware, it's this guy.

rosemilk · Accepted Answer

this is scary. please take care of yourself. and please do not be afraid to be straight forward, blunt, honest, or mean when it comes to stuff like this. he manipulated and guilt tripped you and it could have turned out worse after meeting him.

i see tiktok storytimes on this all of the time. a guy waited outside of a grocery store for an hour while a girl was shopping, waiting for her to come back to her car. it was so scary. it even happens to me. it's awful that women are put through this day after day.

please just ignore him. the first no should be final, and since it's through text, it's very easy to block.

ohsheeT · Answer

Well you might feel guilty but you don't do it with a guy like that you don't know what he's capable of.

I mean you have to straight up tell him no you are not interested do not call back

And I know that's not what type of person you are but that guy seems obsessed

I mean you're very beautiful girl but he has to understand that the words that come out of your mouth he needs to respect them

I mean I honestly don't know what to say to you because I feel as if you should be protecting yourself more because that guy doesn't seem like he wants to take no for an answer

I don't mean to scare you or anything but you're going to have to really pay attention to your surroundings and that guy I mean that's just kind of weird

MrOracle · Answer

Some people just believe that they can almost always overcome a "no", and so they just keep trying. Other guys may have been with a woman (or several) who have taught them that "no" just means "try harder." There are women here on GaG who always reject an initial advance in order to see if the guy keeps trying, which she believes means he's serious and really likes her.

To me, that is just toxic game-playing, but it's what some people do.

Grond21 · Answer

I think your only mistake was you were not respectful in the beginning. It wasn't disrespectful either, but it was unclear. Hinting is not the way to be the most respectful.
Unfortunately, he took that as permission or even an invitation to push harder. So later, when you were clear, he dismissed it as playing games.

This is all on him. It is true. I would just say that if you are feeling like you need to sacrifice clarity for respect, you are not thinking how a man does. We would much rather something said kindly but with absolute clarity, then vaguely and in a sweet tone. Clarity can feel like harshness but it is often appreciated because now we truly know where the women stands.

Finchie40 · Answer

Most people have a hard time taking No as an answer , Girls do this shit as well , it’s like they think it’s a game or some shit that they can eventually win at , if they keep trying to convince you to change your mind. Me personally , is always polite to a girl that shows interest in me , if I am not attracted toward her or interested in her I will still be nice to her and tell her sorry I am seeing someone already , even though I am not lol and tell her thank you I am flattered you approached me and then walk away , if she keeps
Coming at me and not taking no as an answer , I might start being rude and upset that she isn’t taking no as an answer and tell her straight out to back off. I feel people that can’t take No as an answer are people that were raised by parents that always gave into them , , that always catered to them , so hearing the word No isn’t something they are use to , just my opinion lol

front2back · Answer

TL;DR - Modern expectations of dating are different from how many of us were raised by the matriarchs in our family.

For example, when my great grandmother was discussing with me some of the issues I had when dating, I mentioned that some women would cut me off and that was that. Her response was basically, "Keep pursuing them even if they say no, they'll appreciate the effort. That's how your Grandfather won me over."

I explained after that this isn't considered acceptable 60 years later and could get you into legal trouble and she was very confused.

worldscolide · Answer

Probably because of a history of mixed signals from women. We never know if we are supposed to try harder or give up, some women get pissed off at you if you give up after rejection, others do not. If women could make up their collective minds, it would make thing simpler.. Or at least if they could stop with the mixed signals crap

And no I'm not saying you do that. My own wife doesn't do that.. But she is autistic. Literally every single woman I have ever been with besides her were masters of mixed signals.

McKellar · Answer

First of all,... it's not. There are men out there who think women ghosting or rejecting them are just playing hard to get. There are men that so called "play along with that game",.. and there are men that will just not play that game nor waste their time.

I know I had been persistent myself a few times when it came to girls when I was quite young, but I can honestly say I was never at all like this kid which you are talking about. So if you are still in love with your ex,... why is he your ex then? Did you and your ex recently break up?

A_Bell · Answer

Don't cut off suiters with things yo "protect their feelings". It's never their feelings, you just don't want to feel like the bad guy. You should have been honest with him in the first place.

The guy is a creep and pathetic, but you were in a codependency with him.

mandyfire98 · Answer

Some men don't understand consent at all. Some men go by "yeah yeah yeah I hear you but... fuck all of that"  They just don't respect no or stop.

Tntbtbt · Answer

Lol I don't know. I had a guy who doesn’t take no seriously either. I think it’s a seduction technique maybe unconscious in their part but it does work to some extent. In my case it worked as in it was buying time. Like it may not convince you to say yes at first but then you may give him a chance and then you realize again you don’t really want him and you might be over it at that point. So he did buy some time from you via his technique. But it probably won’t work for long term or for a genuine relationship.

more maybe it does. I have no idea. Maybe it depends on the people.

catarecute · Answer

dont ask Americans about this. they have different dating rules. i think he knows your not interested but he is too hurt to admit it. what you should do maybe you should keep meeting with him and be friends (dont kiss or have physical contact.) then drift away slowly.

Anon120498 · Answer

That guy in particular seems really lame and desperate, but generally most guys enjoy a little bit of a challenge. It’s partially in their DNA. Most male animals tend to chase females as well, it’s all a part of the game. It comes from males wanting to procreate with females that have a lot of options because they have good genes to pass onto offspring

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I mean, he wasn't incredibly weird? Don't you think at a certain point, you're doing him and yourself a favor to just tell him you aren't attracted to him and he ruined his chance by acting so desperate?

Guido · Answer

It should not be but it sounds mote like he was obsessed with you. If she is not interested then move on. It might be OK to ask somewhere in the future if she is still single if she has changed her mind but nothing more.

AmeerX · Answer

You can just enjoy the things he is doing and act like a gold digger to make sure he knows what he is bargaining for.

It's partly your own fault. If you had a problem you wouldn't even out up with this guy and just block him already instead of the drama

And, no means no and yes means yes unless he watched the clip and believed it where this dumb girl said, "yeah means no and no means yeah"

sheikalana · Answer

I don't understand. There was this guy who I rejected and he kept telling me that deep down he knew I liked him. I couldn't stand him.

Manab · Answer

Women do behave differently. There was one girl I was interested in. When I proposed she rejected and started cutting off contacts. She called me and asking what happened. I explained nicely that I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. She got angry and started saying that since I was interested in her , I should have still beg her to hang around or help her with computers and stuff.

A lot of women do the same , they keep men like orbiters for taking advantage of them.

MJtheCoach · Answer

This guy sounds so feminine and desperate. I don’t think any girl likes them I always. I always teach men and I do this myself with the smallest hint, I walk away.. and you did more shares than you had to and you didn’t have to do that. He has to understand the hint and if I were you, I would stop responding to him and now you have to act bit of cold.. it’s not your fault he doesn’t understand 17,000 NO’s!

You can read more on:

www. milademjay. com

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I would rather someone be nice than hurtful. They would definitely gain my respect. Those guys who try harder just have no respect for females. It becomes a conquest rather than trying to get to know someone.

SamTheWolf · Answer

Thats simping. I used to do that when I was young , now I understood how to differ between who is right for me and whos not. a girl that shows me in any way that she is not interested thats it. I dont need consistency or any of that. the problem is those kinda guys heard many time that u need to be consistent with girls , while its not true.

Why is respectful rejection seen by men as an invitation to try harder?

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