Why are dismissive Attachers attracted to Anxious Attachers?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I just took a test and it says I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, my ex, was Anxious Attacher and he loved me intensely while I was less interested in him. He told me I was the strongest and most independent person he’d met and that I was his heroine and goddess and he cherished me for being strong.

After a while his love melt my heart and I started showing mine, I started being sweet and gentle to him, to which he wasn’t used to and he slowly changed into avoidant himself. He was saying my love to him made me weaker and he thought I was not as strong as before and he disliked that. But I was never strong, I was always sweet deep down. We kind of swapped attachments in the end.

Just why? Why were we attracted to each other in the first place?

[Anonymous]

I think bcs Dismissive people likes to be chased and Anxiously-attached people have a tendency to chase after their partner. The more their partner distance themself, the more they’re gonna chase so it creates a (very toxic) but “perfect” cycle

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Well, yeah. He chased me very hard. He was so patient, persistent and understanding that I was certain at one thing, someday he would do wonders and become very successful.

Because it was almost impossible to get me. And he did.

I was impressed myself and always told him, he would reach amazing heights in life.

He did that actually fast forward five years he’s so successful, conquering new and new heights everytime. I was right about him, but I just feel sad when I showed my vulnerability and love, he took it as my weakness.

And I thought I could finally be myself with someone. But seems like no.

[Opinion Owner]

I think it could be because he felt like the chase was done. The anxious-dismissive attachment dynamic is for sure toxic and it will stay toxic until both parties decide to improve on their attachment style issues. Seems like he himself wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with you, he’s used to chasing so seeing you finally reciprocating probably made him felt weird since he’s only comfortable with being the chaser.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He was vulnerable with me. But he wasn’t very happy with me being the vulnerable. He had this ideal image if me, if I showed him a tiny bit of attention he was happy like a puppy.

3 months after dating he kissed my cheek and posted on his News Feed that it was the happiest day of his life and got me some surprises as a celebration of our cheek kiss haha

I mean, I guess he was happy with me showing him kindness and care only rarely, he wanted to constantly fight for it and meanwhile he was very scared that I’d hurt him.

One day he told me about his fears and I felt responsible that the first time in my life, I’d not hurt a man I liked.

I knew I could hurt him because I’ve sadly hurt many guys before him because of my attachment and my inability to face my problems at that time.

But I felt like here he was a man who loves me showing his vulnerable side, telling me what he was the most scared about and I had no right to hurt him.

I promised him I would never hurt him first and I kept my word. I take my promises seriously, I thought he’s always love me, I let myself feel free, for the first time in my life I felt comfortable to show love and deep care.

And it was great first he was happy but then he grow more avoidant telling me he missed me when I was strong.

When was I strong? When I was keeping up a confident and independent face because I was too scared to love?

It felt sad.

[Opinion Owner]

That is sad, the moment that you finally let your guard down he just up and left you. I had a boyfriend like that, he liked that I was cold and distant but when I started opening up to him he said I changed and got too soft and that I “went off script”. So I guess these type of guys already created their own version of who you are in their head and once you change (for the better) they start losing feelings bcs it goes against what they’ve already created in their minds.

I hope this experience won’t make you shy away from love again. I think you did great, showing your vulnerable side is an indicator that you are a strong person bcs it sure is not easy. The two of you were probably just mismatched in terms of attachment styles.

[mandy12]

I agree with this answer. The one chasing and the one being chased create a vicious cycle.
I would add, though, that people can be both avoidant and anxious-attached. It’s just that one is the primary tendency and the other is a secondary tendency.
I hope you find someone else!

[Opinion Owner]

@mandy12 exactly! I’m currently in a new relationship, I started off as being the avoidant one and then it flipped to me being the chaser lol We’ve worked on it are now much more secure and open with each other tho 😌

I hope you’ll find someone that can grow with you, you deserve it!

[Still-alive]

Yup i like this too. anxious attachments chase while the dismissive avoidants run.

[Still-alive]

I seem to fall for the more fearful avoidants more personally as someone with an anxious attachment style. but as far as I've read i think its just because the dismissive ones can come across very charming in the beginning. they tick all the boxes that make the anxious ones swoon over them... but then as you see when it comes time to feeling real deep love it becomes frightening for the DA and thats when they pull away or even sabotage the relationship.

This is a good video on this common pair up:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/uq5zoFyvCSM

[jahaims]

Anxious attachers get their suspicions that they're not worth love confirmed by dismissive attachers, and dismissive attachers get their suspicions that all partners are annoyingly clingy confirmed by anxious attachers.

[smashleyy]

He could’ve just been fearful avoidant to begin with (mixture of both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant). If FAs are with a anxious partner they tend to lean more into their avoidance side, if they’re with a avoidant partner their anxious side usually gets triggered. But If he is a true dismissive avoidant they can look quite stable in the beginning of a relationship but their effort starts to drop off around the 6 month mark and they’ll slowly start to pull away

[love_conquers_lust]

It takes strength to honor a commitment. Love is commitment. This guy sounds like he had particular tastes.

Grow together or grow apart. Was this guy into women who bossed him around? Or was he trying to project the Chinese stereotype that’s emerging among Chinese women you described onto you?

You keep saying that you were strong but you really aren’t. Which is it?

In the interest of hearing all sides of the story, was tgere anything YOU would have done that would havd drove him away?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, there’s nothing I’ve done. It was just because of time and distance. I don’t want to talk of this topic anymore, I kept him in the past and feel very content being on my own.

[love_conquers_lust]

I’m still piecing this everything together as I backtrack through your posts. I’m responding as I go. There is a LOT to read, it’s scattered.

[Andres77]

Or was that his excuse because he was coerced by his family?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Probably…

[Sevenpointfive]

you're both attachers types of people. i'm sure there is something to that.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What do you mean haha

[YAsQuen]

poor wamen can't do anything about the fact that she can't stop herself getting ran through. Lord have mercy

[Theodora00]

People want what they can’t have.