Context for the relationship is in the previous question I posted if you’re interested. Long story short, I was reluctant to date her because she is the housemate of a close friend, didn’t want it to affect my friendship if things went bad.
We have now been dating for over a month and things have been going well. We stay over each other’s about twice a week but are both quite busy. I am aware that I’m a complicated person and I take a while to open up and trust people, but I really like her. We are quite intimate but I worry that we don’t talk enough.
I had a previous situationship with someone else late last year where I got very comfortable and divulged my struggles with anxiety and self-esteem. This person was very supportive and made me feel so happy but she ended things because she didn’t feel ready for a relationship. I was understanding but felt very led on and started to think that she had ended things because I had been too honest with her.
Because of my difficulties with opening up and trusting people, I worry that I’m being inconsistent with the girl I’m currently dating. I want to tell her that I’m interested and I want to explain about my anxiety but I’m worried if I show too much interest, or reveal too much she’ll be scared off. I just have this feeling that revealing anything about myself could be the catalyst that makes her not interested.
Doesn’t help that she isn’t super expressive to me. My friend (gf’s housemate) tells me that she is always talking about me and excited about the relationship but I think she’s nervous to say it to me because she worries I won’t feel the same.
I’m of the anxious attachment type so I suppose this reaction is pretty typical in a relationship setting but I really am just worried that I’m going to f things up. There isn’t really a clear narrative through this, apologies for the ramblings. Any advice would be useful, and please be kind and respectful.
We have now been dating for over a month and things have been going well. We stay over each other’s about twice a week but are both quite busy. I am aware that I’m a complicated person and I take a while to open up and trust people, but I really like her. We are quite intimate but I worry that we don’t talk enough.
I had a previous situationship with someone else late last year where I got very comfortable and divulged my struggles with anxiety and self-esteem. This person was very supportive and made me feel so happy but she ended things because she didn’t feel ready for a relationship. I was understanding but felt very led on and started to think that she had ended things because I had been too honest with her.
Because of my difficulties with opening up and trusting people, I worry that I’m being inconsistent with the girl I’m currently dating. I want to tell her that I’m interested and I want to explain about my anxiety but I’m worried if I show too much interest, or reveal too much she’ll be scared off. I just have this feeling that revealing anything about myself could be the catalyst that makes her not interested.
Doesn’t help that she isn’t super expressive to me. My friend (gf’s housemate) tells me that she is always talking about me and excited about the relationship but I think she’s nervous to say it to me because she worries I won’t feel the same.
I’m of the anxious attachment type so I suppose this reaction is pretty typical in a relationship setting but I really am just worried that I’m going to f things up. There isn’t really a clear narrative through this, apologies for the ramblings. Any advice would be useful, and please be kind and respectful.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
What you really need is better communication with her to figure this out
Yeah I agree, I definitely need to communicate more. I’ve been shocking at that thus far with her really. Thanks for the message :D
I totally feel you dude, relationships can be nerve wracking when you've got anxiety issues like us. Sounds like y'all have something good brewing though, so don't stress too much yet. Here's some thoughts:
- Take things slow when opening up, start with little stuff before diving into deep convos. Ease into that intimacy so she doesn't get spooked.
- Make sure she knows you like her too. Compliment her occasionally or send cute little texts when you're not together so she sees you're thinking of her.
- Suggest doing new fun stuff together that focuses on the activity rather than heavy talks. Get comfortable casually around each other first.
- Be confident saying you want this to keep going well. She likes you too bro! But maybe open up together - share in each other over time.
- Let your actions show you're interested too by spending quality time with her. They can speak louder than words sometimes.
- And hey, no shame in your struggles dude - I'm sure she'll get it. Just be yourself, respect her pace too, and it'll work out. You guys have got this!
Chin up bro, try not to overthink. Keep being yourself and let your feelings grow naturally with her. You'll be straight, I promise! Just be patient and don't stress.
Thanks so much for the message dude. It’s very hard I think for people to understand anxiety if they don’t have it, so getting advice from someone who knows what it is like it really means so much to me. I can’t help thinking irrational thoughts and convincing myself of the worst even though I logically know it’s not true. It has held me back previously in situationships, but this has progressed much further than those into an actual relationship. I become attached pretty quickly, so when thing’s don’t work out it kills me and really knocks my confidence.
I really appreciate the message so much though, just wish I had someone in my personal life that understood what I need to hear. So thanks again :D
Yeah man I totally get it, anxiety can really mess with your head and make you think all sorts of irrational stuff. It's good that you're aware of that at least. And it sucks not having people close to you that truly understand what you're going through.
I've dealt with anxiety myself so I know how much it can hold you back if you let it. But it also sounds like you've come a long way already in this relationship compared to past ones. That's something to feel proud of!
Just remember that you've gone this far by being yourself, so try not to change that now by overthinking things. Easier said than done, I know. But maybe try distracting yourself when you start spiraling - play some video games, listen to music, whatever works for you. And feel free to vent to me anytime if it helps!
Also remember all the things you like about this girl and the good moments you've had together. Focus on enjoying your time instead of worrying so much. I'm sure if you keep being honest and caring with her that she'll understand the anxiety too eventually. You got this man!
Im curious what her attachment style is as well because if she's not as expressive she too could be an fearful avoidant. I would say try expressing that you would like to make things work, but are unsure if her needs are being met. But its hard to say without knowing her personality.
I can understand not wanting to share too much, but for a different reason. Im in a situationship with a fearful avoidant and I know he will ghost for a day if he gets too much emotion at once, so im often cautious to not overload him.
Thank you so much for the message, I am curious as to what her attachment type is as well. She has previously been rather protective of me when another girl has shown interest and has been very affectionate publicly when we’ve been drunk together. That’s has made me think that maybe she is securely attached but I guess those factors are not really evidence haha. I definitely agree that I maybe shouldn’t be super quick to express all of my feelings and overload her emotionally, but I will tell her that I do like her, in case she has been worried that I’m not showing it. Just scared of revealing too much about my mental health due to negative reactions towards it in the past (another girl I went on a few dates with told me that she didn’t want to date someone who wasn’t super confident, which I could understand but also kind of hurt). This was a bit of a tangent lol, but thank you for the message :D