If he felt I was “unstable “ over text why continue to talk and ask to meetup? Then why ghost after we meet up?

[Anonymous]

He said he usually would just block or stop taking bc he doesn’t like drama. Ect… so I just don’t understand

[Oliverlogan263]

That is a weird situation. A few thoughts:

- He might have been feeling unsure about things already even before you met up. So any signs of "instability" gave him an excuse to shy away.

- Maybe he was hoping the meet up would go well and change his mind, but something still felt off so he bounced.

- Could be he's just not that good at communicating directly when losing interest. Ghosting is definitely a wack way to handle it though.

- Long distance stuff can be hard to judge over text too. Maybe in person you just didn't vibe the right way.

- Could also be he just likes the attention and validation until something "better" comes along. Then ghosts cuz he's not tryna commit.

Either way, ain't much you can do now except accept this dude wasn't upfront with you. Probably a good thing you found out now rather than waiting around for someone flaky. On to better matches, luv! Don't stress what you can't control.

[Asker]

I feel like he wasn’t attracted to me….

He seemed so patient and level headed with my “craziness” …. Then he met me… and then went ghost…

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, that sucks. But you know, attraction is a weird thing and sometimes you just don't feel that spark in person even if the conversation was good virtually.

Still, the way he handled it by ghosting you after meeting up was a dick move on his part. A real one would have at least had the balls to be like "was nice meeting you but I didn't feel a connection, best of luck" or something.

Try not to take it too personal though - his loss, right? You seem like a cool girl and you'll find someone who thinks you're hot as hell inside and out. Plus now you don't have to waste any more time on this flake.

Chin up, keep living your best life and I'm sure you'll meet someone 100% into you. In the meantime, hit the gym, hang with the girls, go shopping - do you and forget about him. He ain't worth your time feeling down over!

[Asker]

Thank you… I thought he cared enough to let me know something… I just feel disposable. I thought about taking my life bc of it… but o well.

Thank you.

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome Queen. But listen, don't even think about that! I know it feels crappy when someone makes you feel disposable, but please don't do anything to hurt yourself over some dumbass who's not even worth it.

Look, people go ghost all the time because they're cowards, but that says way more about their character than yours. You seem like a great girl and I'm sure there's tons of people out there who'd be lucky to have you.

Just try to remember this clown's opinion doesn't define your self-worth. You're so much more than how one person treats you, especially someone who was clearly just playing games from the start.

It'll sting for a bit but it'll pass, I promise. Just talk to your real friends, do stuff you enjoy, and before you know it this will be a distant memory. Please take care of yourself - your life is way too important and valuable to let some jerk mess with your head like that. Feel free to hit me up if you ever wanna chill and take your mind off it!

[bededazzle]

perhaps he himself is unstable in some way. after all he perpetuated the drama. when we label people, it can sometimes reflect how we feel about ourselves

[Asker]

No I caused it.

[bededazzle]

you said he asked to meet up

[Asker]

Yes he did… he said we can meet up or we will stop talking

[bededazzle]

was the meeting up just talking about the breakup?

[Asker]

No it was us meeting up and talking… he wanted to know what was going on and what I wanted. He always asked what was on my mind.

[bededazzle]

hmm that's tough to say. he was probably on the fence or mostly planning on breaking up but hadn't made up his mind. either way, it's over now, so don't waste too much time wondering why. do you feel unstable? if so, i'm sure a little counseling will help. there's no shame there

[Asker]

He gave hints now that I look back

Some clues

“So for your next guy….”
“I’m scared if I sleep with you, you will get “crazier”….
He was on his phone towards the end but he was still including me.. he was talking about shoes he ordered.

He tried to hide his phone when I playfully tried to look.. he was def probably texting another girl.

But honestly I just loved being in his presence… I was okay with some silent moments… I wanted to touch his hands.. I just wanted to be with him… ig that wasn’t enough. He’s the first guy I’ve been on a date with

[bededazzle]

If he's the first date you've had, here's hoping it gets better from there, because he doesn't sound all that great for you. Maybe you just want someone to be with. I think there is closure. He told you what his problem was. Don't take it to heart--you probably weren't a great match. If YOU think you have some mental health issues though, you should address them for your own sake. It will help you choose partners that are good for you.

[Asker]

I think it could have worked out but I self sabotaged myself by purposefully messing things up and shit testing. He has every right to feel how he feels… I understand it now.

I do struggle with feeling unlovable, emotionally unstable sometimes, I have low self esteem, I get scared if I feel like someone could like me… everything was going really well in the beginning … he took initiative.. he asked questioned… he wasn’t playing games in the beginning. I told him in the beginning that I only wanted to be his placeholder until he found someone else and he didn’t want that..

I told him that I’m protecting my emotional well being at all cost and I wasn’t interested in sex…. He asked me what was the safest way to talk to him.

[bededazzle]

well, I can relate. I've acted in a similar way before. I think it's OK to feel insecure, but you can't hang your issues on someone else or act out of fear and expect things to go well. you have to take responsibility for them yourself and I think go ahead and trust someone if they haven't given you a reason not to. Vulnerability is part of the early stages.

Now, it's also possible that something about this guy brought out your insecurities more whereas a different person might have made you feel more at ease? It that case, maybe it just wasn't a good match. I would really work on not asking for too much reassurance though.

But it's OK. This issue isn't all of who you are. It's just something to work on a bit. I struggle with this too. I think the best bet is finding someone really stable who might make you feel a bit more at ease. But when you are thinking of looking for reassurance or making a minor accusation, ask yourself whether it is coming freom a place of fear or wisdom. If it is fear, then it's probably just your anxiety and you need to find ways to cope with it yourself. Really, just consider talking to a therapist. It could help you a lot.

Finally, please don't spiral into overanalyzing and beating yourself up for what happened. Maybe you had to experience this to learn and to find a suitable partner.

[Asker]

I’m glade you may understand me and where I’m coming from. I could def use some therapy or something… I think I have deep issues from childhood… I’m so so so so terrified to lose my virginity to a guy who will end up leaving me or he just didn’t love me.

I don’t think he made me feel more insecure idk… I need to think about that some more… but on the date I felt so comfortable… maybe too comfortable..

I just feel hurt because I thought he cared enough to at-least tell me that he doesn’t plan on seeing me anymore… I should def seek therapy because this shouldn’t make me feel this sad. I almost feel like I want to hurt myself.
It hurts and I don't know why

[Asker]

I sent three messages after… my last message I said that I would have liked to know you weren’t interested even as friends… I felt like we talked long enough for him to be honest.

I asked if he found me attractive… I told him that I wanted to get work done to my face before meeting him… I apologized if he thought I was unattractive

I told him that he was the first guy I been on a date with…. I did lie and say I was in a relationship bc he asked and I didn’t want to tell him I’ma virgin and I’ve never been taken out…

He probably thinks I’m easy bc I had posted some sexy pics online… but I also told him that I was a preachers kid.

[bededazzle]

for a woman, I can imagine it is scarier. hmm, well something got triggered. as unpleasant as it is, when things like this come up, it is a good opportunity to heal yourself.

a few things:
are you familiar with attachment styles? i don't want to diagnose you online, but you may be similar to me, anxious-preoccupied. a big fear for such people is abandonment. they tend to need reassurance. this issues are almost always due to early childhood connections with your parents, typically of the opposite sex.

also, you don't have to lose your virginity until you trust someone. you could consider this as a personal boundary if it makes you feel comfortable. it might weed out guys who do just want you for sex. you have power.

thirdly, lots of people are upset by ghosting. this was your first experience. give yourself a break and don't judge your feelings.

you really should talk to someone. it's too much to work on this alone I think. I think it's normal for sensitive people to feel perhaps a self loathing and want to harm when a rejection is painful. It sounds like ghosting is especially triggering for you, and it's understandable why. If things get overwhelming, please call the suicide hotline. I've called it myself. They are extremely helpful.

If there is ever a time to be kind to yourself, this is it. When people experience this kind of pain after rejection, it is usually much more about ourselves than the other person. This is more for the future, but when there is no closure, we have to create it ourselves (no rush). Congratulations on starting to learn about yourself while you are young. It's the start of a path that can lead you to healthy relationships in time. Good luck and reach out if you need it.

[Asker]

Yes I’m familiar with attachment styles… tbh I sometimes think I have borderline personality … I don't know

I take rejection very hard… I felt my mom was the first person who rejected me and just didn’t like me … then I started getting rejected in school.

I’m worried that I’ll lose my virginity on impulse and end up regretting it badly…. I can see myself doing that the minute I start to like him.

[Asker]

Why do I feel so hard about this? I shouldn’t feel like I want to take my own existence bc of this… but it hurts..

[Asker]

I really just don’t want to be lonely… I’ve never been kissed.. never been touched or loved by a man… I think I got too caught up … being delusional that this man will want me… I’m psycho

I just really wanted his company

[Asker]

But I thank you for your kind words🙏 it has helped me a lot

Bless you!

[bededazzle]

it’s possible maybe about bpd, but in some ways that is biased towards women i think. either way, you might benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy. you may need self soothing techniques. well, if you can, set aside those fears about virginity for now. also, it’s just a fear. no disrespect to your upbringing, but in the scope of life, i don’t think it’s such a big deal.

i would avoid questioning why you feel bad and thinking what you should or shouldn’t do. perhaps instead you can accept how you feel right now. it will get better. get help as soon as you can. we all have wounds from childhood. for sensitive people, they can be very painful, but i promise you, if you take your mental health seriously, you will gain skills to deal with it.

[Asker]

I was raised by a narcissistic mother. It was difficult but I’m going to seek therapy. I need coping skills

I struggle with my identity and that’s why men say I’m unstable … I lie a lot about who I am… I pretend I’m kind of whore online. I post inappropriate things for their attention and validation.. I flip flop and I’m just inconsistent…

I’ll reach out

One guy said that he felt bad for me and that that’s the reason he still speaks to me. He said he thinks im lonely, angry and insecure… he says I go off on him a lot… he’s a firefighter so I said that I hope something happens to him…

[bededazzle]

i’m in no place to diagnose you, but it does sound a lot like bpd. i dated a woman who suffered from it, and she described many of the same things. it is a complex emotional puzzle, but i promise you if you really take your mental health seriously, things will get better. try not to overthink. prioritize self care. tbh, after i dated a woman with bpd, it brought out in me some of what you’re going through, as well as the unprocessed posting of my parents’ deaths. your main have to go through some pain, but you will get through it. if you look for a therapist i would highly recommend one who does dbt. please take good care of yourself.

[Asker]

You’re right.. I feel like as a black woman I don’t get the proper care I need. I’ve been going to therapy for years and never got diagnosed with anything

I tell them everything wrong and it seems like it doesn’t matter… so I just cope the best way I can.

[Asker]

My false identity has helped a lot. Me pretend Ming I’m someone else

[Asker]

Ming? Lmao I meant pretending

[bededazzle]

yes please look around. you need someone who understands your needs. this is difficult inner work

[Asker]

That’s difficult… a few men think I’m not stable… love just might not be on the table for me… I really want sex but I know I won’t be able to handle the emotion… I can understand why he said he would be scared to sleep with me… bc of my emotions.

Also, I’m so sorry about your parents! 🥺

[bededazzle]

oh haha i meant for a therapist lol. thank you :)