Is he stringing me along, or just taking his time?

[Anonymous]

We are both in our mid 30s, going to grad schools in cities about 30-40 minutes apart. We met on an app. We've been dating for 2 months. Having trouble gauging what this is for him; we have made out, but I openly said I wouldn't sleep with him until I knew him better. I don't know if that makes a difference.

Things that make me think he is not serious:

- Takes hours to respond to texts (when he used to reply promptly within 1-3). Does not call or facetime. No longer says goodnight or good morning routinely,

- We only hang out once per week. I would think if you liked someone you would increase that no?

- Has never defined what we are, discussed relationship goals, exclusivity or asked if I am still on the app

Things that make me think he is serious but taking his time:

- He has invited me to a happy hour to introduce me to his brother, just the 3 of us

- We hang out every week, once a week; he asks in advance. Mix of hanging out at one of our places, or doing activities or dinner. Very affectionate and never checks his phone when we are together.

Just feels like we are reaching a plateau, rather than him asking to hang out more frequently, text more frequently or get off the app. I really like him and am terrified of getting hurt.

[MecheD]

I get it completely, it’s plausible you have competition due to the fact you dont “go all the way” but then again its also a plus unless your past is checkered. With today’s dating culture make an advance yourself aside from conversation. Also to request more its only fair that you do more

[Anonymous]

'I openly said I wouldn't sleep with him until I knew him better.'

That is part of your issue. All it takes for intimacy is to 'know a guy better' so why should he bother investing? There is no end game, no plan, no rhyme or reason for what it is you are both doing. What does it mean? where does it lead? You've lost sight of the reasons. There is no other option but some form of 'stringing along' because there is no end game.

[Asker]

So you think by sleeping with him, he would commit? Or do you mean I should openly tell him I want a relationship before I sleep with someone?

[Opinion Owner]

No. I'm saying that regardless of whether you do, there is no direction so no reason for him to truly invest.

[Asker]

Interesting, thank you. How do you suggest getting a sense of direction?

[Opinion Owner]

Instead of going through the motions you should ask yourself what you really want, and why. If it just becomes a succession of getting to know a guy, being intimate, hanging out, moving onto a new guy, rinse and repeat... what will that bring you? Society preaches and encourages the practice of situationships and going through the motions, it rarely encourages anything that really benefits you.

[Asker]

What I really want is an exclusive relationship. I'm struggling with how to express that without coming across as needy, desperate or rushing someone else. I don't want a situaitonship; do you not think him introducing me to his brother was meaningful or indicative of an interest in a relationship? he planned that in advance.

[Opinion Owner]

Him introducing you to his brother is not necessarily an indicator because some guys do that very early on, while others do not. In terms of wanting an exclusive relationship you need to think along the lines of why he should restrict his pure freedom to be with you exclusively. There has to be something about her that emanates that she is relationship material and that it would be a big loss for him not taking it into that territory.

But I think a lot of people in general cannot think from the perspective of another and ask those questions.

Also bear in mind that saying 'I wouldn't sleep with him until I knew him better.' is not the same as saying 'I wouldn't sleep with him unless in an exclusive relationship'. In other words, never be afraid of expressing your boundaries.

[Nikki1989]

Apps and texts? This is already doomed.

[Asker]

Why is this already doomed? Aren't dating apps how a lot of people meet?

[Iron_Man]

It sounds difficult, but it sounds like there’s a chance you’ll have to ride it out did he delete from the dating service already? And what about you?

[Asker]

He did not delete the dating service, and I have not either. Why does it sound difficult?

[Iron_Man]

Two red flags

[Iron_Man]

That means he is still weighing his options

[Asker]

So is it worth it then to have the "where do you see this going" chat? If he is clearly not decided, seems like that would scare him away... any recs for growing this into relationship territory?

[Iron_Man]

Well, it’s only been two months how much longer are you going to give him?

[Asker]

Probably four? I think that is a decent amount of time. Any recs?

[Iron_Man]

Any what

[Asker]

Recommendations for how to shift this to more of a relationship/ exclusivity

[Iron_Man]

It takes two to tango he’s gotta be interested in you and you have to share common interest. This is not a one-way street if he’s coldhearted and acts like he can take it or leave it, then it’s not worth it

[Asker]

So it sounds like based on what I've described of him, you don't think he's interested?

[Iron_Man]

He could be maybe things can change

[Crankor]

Maybe you two just don't have much in common? Def sounds like a casual thing fir him but you won't know why unless you have a face to face talk to him about what kind of relationship he wants.

[boobliker]

people do do that