How do you trust a new partner after years of extreme abuse?

[Charliefretz329]

Yes, I’m in counselling.

No I don’t feel like there are many resources or even understanding or sympathy available for men.

Yes, I take full responsibility for picking the abusive women in my last 3 marriages. And the potential for a repeat mistake horrifies me.

Yes, resources I’ve reached out to, have incriminated and even incarcerated me.

So what methods have you found helpful to return to the dating pool?

[Anonymous]

You probably don't. I distrust EVERY woman I meet. This is neither and accusation nor an apology, just a reality. Each woman I meet if she's open with me I'll be open with her. If she wants a relationship with me this is just a reality she'll have to accept. If she doesn't that's fine. She just confirms what I already suspected.

Trust is EARNED and that takes time. If she doesn't get that, there was no point in us dating to begin with. 🙂👍

Hope things get better for you my man.

[Charliefretz329]

Same to you!

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I'm really sorry to hear this Charlie.
I haven't ever experienced mental or physical abuse in a relationship. Now that you have seemingly dealt with this issue in the past, perhaps being able to identify the traits, a partner might carry would be a good first step.
arming yourself with a strength and bravery to walk out if there are red flags it's probably very important.

[Charliefretz329]

True. I guess trusting my ability to identify them is a huge issue after repeated failures.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

Also, I suspect it will be helpful that you find happiness on your own before starting a new relationship. I've always thought that was unbelievably important. We shouldn't rely on others for our happiness, they should add to it.

[Charliefretz329]

I agree. I did that before the last one. And she slowly impinged on that happiness until we had multiple children and many mutual obligations. I was happy single but damnedably lonely

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

Can you determine what triggered them to be abusive with you and make an attempt to shield that side of yourself? I really think people truly want happiness for each other, unless they are in the relationship before non-loving reasons.

[Charliefretz329]

I’ve tried…

I think people should desire happiness.

I think that happiness must come from within ones self. Never dependent on another

[Anonymous]

After coming out of an abusive relationship, your "normal" metre is going to be skewed. So seemingly innocuous things someone does that may be a red flag , you might not pick up on , or brush off because you only think you're noticing because of past bad experiences. Don't. Trust that feeling. If something feels off believe your gut.

[Charliefretz329]

Thanks 🙏

[RedInnocent68]

Don’t. Just tie her down and act out your frustration. 😉😳

[Charliefretz329]

If it were only that easy. But it conflicts greatly

[RedInnocent68]

You never know… You both might like it! 😉😂

[LiamJHayden]

Recognize that each person is an individual and is not responsible for the actions of others.