My boyfriend family is incredibly controlling. Is this normal or something I should be concerned about?

[Anonymous]

For context, I met my boyfriend online in June 2022, and we made things official in late August; we are also in an interracial relationship.
From the onset, I didn't have issues with my boyfriend, and we had a pretty good relationship as we had never been in a relationship, so we were new to this and found a good flow until he introduced me to his parents and brother in October 2022.
I have no issues with his brother; he is 24 and very friendly toward me. But with his parents from the onset, his mother treated me very coldly, and his dad was also cold towards me.

I began noticing that even when I was invited to their home during the December 2022 holiday, his parents spent half of the time arguing and bickering and never really got to know me, even though they got me a few gifts. I noticed his parents' overall coldness and my boyfriend constantly had to reassure me that they liked me. Still, deep down inside, I knew he was working overtime in the background to try and sell the idea of the relationship to his parents by reminding his mom that I had a job, I had a college education, and so forth.

I have noticed how controlled my boyfriend is by his parents; for example, he is forced to attend weekly church services at 9 am on Saturday or Sunday even though he told me on multiple occasions that he does not wish to attend.
Furthermore, he must ask them permission before he is allowed to travel anywhere. For this reason, he has never travelled out of the country; at 27, he also has to go behind his parent's backs to allow me to sleep over at the house he pays the mortgage on, or he has to tell his mom as if his dad finds out he will yell at him and get incredibly angry at him and his mother.
I have noticed he tells his mom everything, even things about me that I wish he didn't share, as I do not speak to his mom and haven't gotten to know her and she hasn't invited me out for lunch or dinner.

I am a bit concerned as we are both 27, should I be concerned

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, his parents sound way overprotective and controlling. At 27, he should definitely have more freedom to make his own decisions. A few red flags:

- Their coldness towards you, an interracial relationship, makes me wonder if they're just not that open-minded. Not a good sign.

- Forcing church attendance when he's made it clear he doesn't want to go is messed up. Dude should be able to choose his own path now.

- Needing "permission" to travel is straight up weird. He's too old for that level of micromanaging.

- Having to sneak around just for you to sleep over is nuts. Like you guys are still kids or something.

Honestly sis, I'd be super concerned too in your shoes. This level of strict parenting is way unhealthy, even more so at his age. It's gotta be smothering for him too.

You need to have a serious talk with your man about setting better boundaries with his folks. And keep your guard up with them till they prove they'll respect you both as adults. This wouldn't be an easy situation to deal with long-term for sure.

[bowenw]

Yes, major red flag. If he's like this as your boyfriend I expect it will only get worse if you get married.

[bowenw]

Thank you for the MHO. 😊
I wish you all the best.