Should I stay with him while he loses weight?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a guy for a month, I really like his personality and we click. He is slightly overweight, has let his hair grow and beard grow out. I would be more attracted to him if he was more well groomed and if he was a healthy weight. He says he'll hit the gym this January with a friend of his for motivational. He says that he wants to better himself. Shouls I continue to date him and hope for the best?

Updates

+1 y

An update: I've got to point out that you can't definitively say with confidence that "he deserves better" without knowing all the facts. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't find him attractive, call it superficial if you like but I'm allowed to have my opinion about it. Im not dumping a guy who I've been in a relationship with for YEARS because of his appearance, we have known each other a MONTH. I don't want to waste his time or mine, just wanted to be sure going deeper into the relationship.

[Daniela1982]

Why are you asking a question if you don't want people's opinions, good or bad? You can't pick and choose and call people turkey pot pies if you don't like their answer. As a former overweight person, I know that losing weight and then keeping it off takes perseverance and dedication. Without these you will eventually just gain it back. And of course we have the time it takes to do it right. Otherwise it will just come back after you lose it. It has to be slow as it will give your skin time to shrink with the weight loss. You didn't say how much he was over but a couple pounds a week is probably realistic. So, you would have to be with him a couple of years for him to get back in shape. Are you willing to do it with him and support him? If that is too much then you had better move on. Because if he is unable to do it you will just be wasting your time, and his.

[Asker]

It's not that I don't want people's opinions no matter good or bad, it's just that people say that he deserves better without any explanation, more than likely because they haven't read through my question properly or can't back it up.

I'm willing to support him, I've been motivating him to do well and he says it's helping.

[Daniela1982]

Then keep doing what you're doing. Just remember, losing weight, and keeping it off, might be a lifelong endeavor. I'm sure you know that when most get older and are not as active, we tend to gain weight. It may be that we are not able to because of age or other factors. So it may happen, or not. But if you have a history of being overweight, your odds are that you will. It may happen to you too. We can't always stay a spring chicken.

[IslaTheWitch]

I have a feeling I don't understand something. You wrote:
I really like his personality and we click

So if you like him... what is the problem? He works on losing weight so he will look only better. You don't like his beard and hair? TALK to him about it. But don't be demanding, just talk to him about what you see and what you like and ask his opinion. In the end, it's his decision. But if he doesn't know what you think, he won't guess...

[Asker]

For me it's the lack of effort it shows if he isn't trimming his nails, beard and hair. I like to make a good impression for him, but Im not sure if he does for me or if he just isn't aware. I thought that it would be common knowledge that looking your best shows you put in effort. I've talked to him about it but he says he will and doesn't seem to

[IslaTheWitch]

You can't look at him from your perspective. He is not you, and he sees things differently. For him, looking the best for you can mean something different. And you won't know if you don't ask...

relationship is not about expectations we set for other people. It's about clear communication and aligning; both sides have to put an effort into it to make it work.

[Asker]

It's a tough topic to bring up because I don't want anyone to change who they are just because eof other people. how do you think I should bring it up with him? 🤔

[IslaTheWitch]

The relationship is an art of compromise and alignment...

[BoopBoopBeep]

If there's measurable success, sure, but you can't out pace a bad diet, so going to the treadmill once a month for a 1km stroll then finishing with a large pizza and a milkshake isn't ever going to get him in better shape. Offer to go with him. Then you get a great date out of it as well, and it's super fun to have a partner to work out with that you can go home and get physical with afterwards.

[newboy78]

If he is actually going to hit the gym and change his eating habits, then for sure he is going to build in discipline in his life. Once he starts loosing weight he will totally look different from what he is now. Just push him and motivate him to get there.

[Account]

Are you attracted to him? If yes, then I don't see any issue.
If not, then don't. You shouldn't be with someone you are not attracted to just in hopes you will eventually.

[Account]

PS: Everyone is superficial. Don't listen to people calling you so or blamking you. Noone would be in a relationship with someone they are not attracted to.

[Account]

Blaming *

[Asker]

Thankyou, literally having to defend a relationship that people assume to know everything about.

[Account]

You are welcome. I am more than certain that none of them who tried to make you feel bad would ever be with a person they are not attracted to.

[bobalife]

Although it’s great to support a partner on what they want for themselves. But I think it’s better if you break up with him because you’re not really happy and attracted to the person he is and how he looks… you’re hoping him to be more of someone you want that’s not really him. What if somewhere in the future, he gains weight… his hair changes.. etc… would you really be able to love and accept him? It’s not fair for him nor yourself… unless you’re able to accept and love him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think so if you really like him. Hopefully he's already started because it's the second week in January and if he hasn't then that's kind of showing that he's not as committed as he says he is going to be. But I would stick it out for at least a month or two and see if he really sticks with what he says he's going to do. Weight loss is hard. Me and my boyfriend are currently doing it together and let me tell you, it's not easy at all. Maybe workout with him sometimes. Any extra support will help him move in the right direction.

Also, he needs to have a better diet. Suggest he eat less junk foods and fast food and more whole foods or even try to go Keto. That's what I'm doing now and I'm already down 14lbs in 9 days. Granted it's just water weight but still weight loss none the less.

Just try and be as supportive as possible if you really want this to work out.

[molonski2]

Diet and self respect are the key , just " hitting the gym " will not help if he's eating utter sht , and what's with the lack of respect ( for himself ) with little presentation? I'm sure he is a nice bloke , but I just don't like the sound of it , he sounds like a bit of a slob.

[molonski2]

I sincerely agree strongly with your message update. You've been with him a MONTH , my thought is either way , this dude will just return to his own lazy sloppy attitude , its a lifetime commitment to yourself , and I say --- Follow the people who have said like me.

[HelpfulWoman]

i don't see why not. worse case, he doesn't keep up with it and you can end the relationship if you're that superficially hung up on it (nothing wrong with that as its your preference by the way). You can also help him and keep that motivation going as it will inevitably suck for the first starting bit (still in there myself but getting there so i know!)
best case, he works on it and loses some weight and bingo, your more attractive aesthetic.

[DizzyDesii]

As long as he's actively working towards it weekly. I played this game before and he still wouldn't exercise. I lost attraction to him and had to find an excuse to leave

[Booklover_90]

The real question is why are you even with him in the first place? His appearance or who he is as a person? If it’s just for appearances, he deserves better. 😊

[Asker]

I think relationships are a blend of personality and physical attraction. I'd say it's more personality than physical. I'm with him because of his personality, I do like how he looks aswell. Its not that he looks ugly, it's just that he's poor grooming skills made me think he's not making an effort

[Surely]

If you have a child or two in the future and you can not lose the baby weight gain. Would you expect to be kicked to the curb! Help the guy out with your support!

[Unit1]

If you have to ask, i am pretty sure you are intending to break up already. You might as well Do it already.

I know its kinda a shitty advise but not an unfounded one.

[DreamLife7]

Why are you speaking for him? He never called you his girlfriend y'all just be making up titles for men. He doesn't care if you leave or go he's not with you anyway

[Asker]

😂 damm you need to work on your issues, you assume so much and your comment makes no sense.

[DreamLife7]

You need to work on your issues. Your insecurities

[Asker]

I know I do, I've already worked on it a lot but at least I can accept that and keep striving for better, can you say the same?

[DreamLife7]

Obviously you're not working hints your post

[EnglishArtsteacher]

Yes, I think you should, but ultimately, it's up to you.

[boggboss]

Thats upto you lol if u are not attracted to him I would say end things

[boggboss]

But how could random online tell u if your wasting your time or not for me that this is such a big thing so early just end things u are getting with a guy and hoping he becomes somthing u like more ofmver finding a guy u like enough

[Staximus]

What is slightly overweight to you? You sound very superficial. Maybe you would be happier with a guy that you think looks perfect but treats you like shit?

[Jamie05rhs]

If you like him, then support him. And push him forward. He probably just let himself go because he was single. So if he stays single, nothing will ever change.

[slatyb]

Don't stay with someone believing they are going to change for you.

[genericname85]

did he have the weight when you met each other?

[Asker]

Yes he did, I still find him attractive just not as much as I would if he took care of himself. I really want to be with someone who respects themselves and their appearance

[genericname85]

in that case i believe it's way more reasonable for you to expect him to stay in the attractive shape you met him with. if he was sloppy when you met him, i think it would be unresonable to expect. tho i think it's fair for either partner to make a conscious effort to stay attractive for their partner. i also expect a partner to stay sexy for me and not suddenly get fat once i comitted. that's shabby. so i think it's ok to expect for you as well.

[genericname85]

i would definitely give my partner the time to get back in shape. but not "infinite" time.

[genericname85]

oh wait. he was aleady sloppy xD well then it's not as reasonable to expect. but still. i think it's fair for you to want it and to make your decision to stay with him based on it.

[sheikalana]

You've been dating someone for one month and already thinking of breaking up?

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you have any flaws?

[Asker]

I'm not physically unfit, I'm within my healthy BMI, I eat well and know my limits so that I don't put on too much weight. I have a good hygiene routine, keep my nails trimmed. As for claws with my physical appearance I guess it's preference but I'm doing everything I possibly can to look nice and attractive

[OlderAndWiser]

You understand why i asked the question?

[Asker]

Your trying to point out how no ones perfect? I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite either, wanting him to be healthy and well groomed if I wasn't

[OlderAndWiser]

Healthy and well groomed aren’t the only areas in which partners have flaws.

[Asker]

No but thats not the subject of my question

[OlderAndWiser]

The point is that EVERY person, including you, has flaws, blemishes, foibles, and shortcomings which they bring to a relationship. There are things in you that he must tolerate, if you two move forward with a relationship. If his weight is a deal breaker, I understand your hesitation, but why did you start dating him if it's a deal breaker?

[Asker]

Because we met online, our connection was strong with our personalities. I met him in person and his pictures didn't quite explain the full picture. I was expecting to meet someone who was well groomed at the very least. Maybe I should have put that in my question before my comments about his weight.

But yeah his personality does top his looks, but I need both for a relationship to work.

[OlderAndWiser]

The fact that he is working on himself should be an important consideration.

[JHAYES317]

Depends? Are you normal weight for your height, sex, and build (ecto, meso, endo)?

[Asker]

Yes , my BMI is on point

[JHAYES317]

Nah BMI isn’t useful, because men and women at the same height men are heavier due to bone density and muscle mass, plus build factors in too, if you have a naturally skinny build you can’t hold as much weight before it starts to look bad. Try this site instead, you can input your height, gender, and build

[12karen]

Of course, as a girlfriend, you should support him if he makes this kind of decision, don't give him up, he makes an effort.

[Yannae]

Join him. Extra motivation and it's good for you as well

[Crankor]

It is some good motivation for him. Have him try keto. That with some exercise would be all he needs

[Xoirwinkan]

If you like him maybe try to help him along and exercise with him.

[Anonymous]

Ur probably really cute and could get a lot of guys.

[Paris13]

Encourage Him. xxoo

[ColHathi]

No, I think he deserves better.

[Asker]

Based on what?

[ColHathi]

Your shallowness.

[Asker]

😆 you don't know either of us

[jaskin777]

U should accept him just the way he is.

[LiamJHayden]

If you enjoy him, then yes.

[Rizzlekicked]

Yes I would give him a chance

[Anonymous]

No, he really deserves someone better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, give the guy a chance to prove himself.