Should I leave my partner if he grabbed my neck?

[Anonymous]

I love my partner and he seems like he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but we got into an argument and he did something that he had never done before which was put his hand near my neck. I wouldn’t say he grabbed it or squeezed, and it’s a movement he is familiar with because I have consented how I like it in intimate settings. He also has never laid a hand on or near me before. I expressed how something like that could escalate into something much worse and he panicked about it. I hate to think he’s an abuser, but my family wants me nowhere near him. I am scared as well but my gut doesn’t seem as alarmed as it should be. What should I do?

[AmandaYVR]

It sounds a bit like you are not trusting your own judgment and assessment of him. You know him. Don't you? Sometimes we need to pull out, do a bird's eye view, to try to see a situation clearly. Other times, that is too far out, and it occludes important and relevant details.

You said after he did it, and you commented, "he panicked". Which sounds to me like he did something he regretted, you immediately commented on it and said it's not okay, he agreed with you, and that was the end of it. Is that not how it happened?

Alarm bells go off in people regarding physical abuse. You have to be very careful about the words and labels you choose, and how you describe things to people. Here, you did not describe it in a lot of detail, but you did say what it wasn't. It's also being muddied by the fact that you asked him to do that in sex. It's hard to know what he did, exactly, and therefore whether it was acceptable or not. But judging by both your reactions, it was not okay. And he also knows that. ? You maybe shouldn't have told your family. Because now they have an impression of him, and is it truly accurate? How can they support you being with him after you telling them this concern of yours? They want to protect you, above all else, so they will err on the side of extreme caution in order to do that. You've described a potential physical abuser.

Also remember that such accusations can be very, very detrimental to a male. Accusations of physical harm against a woman can literally ruin their life. They could go to jail, and it could prevent them from gaining good employment throughout their life. It's happened to many men, so do not be reckless about it. There are blatantly false accusation (such as done out of retribution or money extortion), and there are terrible actual abusers in the world. This situation doesn't sound like either.

But in terms of you staying with him or not, you need to look at the entire history with him, and everything that you know about him. You were arguing. Tempers do flare, things are said, and sometimes some people do get physical, and that is never okay. But that also doesn't mean that someone is violent, or cannot be trusted. There's not enough info here to advise you whether to stay with him or end the relationship. Only you know all the information. And don't lose sight of your own gut and judgment, as people will project their own personal experiences onto you, and try to influence you one way or another. You may also be called stupid, etc etc for "staying with an abuser". But don't become an alarmist and reduce your entire relationship down to one hand gesture. Protect yourself, above all. But no relationships are free of conflict or strife. Many things, you will have to work through, and they won't seem easy at the time, but you will get through them. Sometimes that is with your partner, and sometimes that is by going your own way, without them. In this case, I would also heavily weigh his response then, and his response now, to you discussing the incident. How he felt and feels about it should also be weighed.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[rosemilk]

it sounds like he noticed that it was wrong, so it's not like he's not aware of what his feelings made him try to do. he showed restraint. it also seems like a learned behavioral pattern. maybe from his dad?

i think you should talk to him. give him a warning. and work towards doing better together

[Anonymous]

He put hand near your neck and?

[Anonymous]

Yes, especially if it keeps happening.