So I’ve (29F) been talking to this guy (29M) that I matched with on bumble on Thanksgiving. He was visiting his parents in my state (MN) but lives in AZ. We talked continuously until just before Christmas when he came into town to visit his parents again.
We went on 3 dates and hooked up on the final date. Details — he’s super kind, thoughtful, affectionate, he remembers small details about me, made sure I was completely taken care of on our dates, was very forward-thinking about making plans, etc… (On one of the dates, I met a friend who said that the guy is wanting a girlfriend but just won’t tell anyone. His last girlfriend he dated for ~3+ years left. Him and he’s been single since). After he returned back to AZ, I asked him what he wanted to do with our “relationship”. He said he didn’t think that he was “meant for one person” and he thinks if I’m pursuing to be with one person, then I should know that. Obviously, when hearing this I think, “just take his word and move on.” I think I shed him the best and we stopped talking until a week later (I know, I should’ve left the communication done) but I reached out to tell him I found my gold necklace I lost when we working talking. Since then we’ve been talking. It’s always small antics and flirting etc.
One day he asks, “why do you even like me”? I respond with a long thoughtful list and he’s pleased with the answer. I asked why he asked, he said “I assume that people don’t like me.”
Tonight I ask, “why do you talk to me?” His answer was simply, “I like to bug you 🙂”. He said that me being a bugee is a really good thing. “Massively good”.
Here's me projecting: He's been hurt by women in the past, and you haven't yet proven to be different. What's your education on mens issues? Do you know much about the male experience, or what it's like to be a man? Would you be able to tell the difference between him taking on serious things you've never known with strength, or would it just seem weak if his problems ever got to him?
My guess is that he doesn't trust you to be different from other women who've thrown him under the bus, and isn't able to really be in love, but very much likes you with what he's got left.
So he's playing coy because the love you'd want isn't there, but he does want to love again.
If he's not monogamous, try to understand that he doesn't trust any women to control his access to sexual mental health, because most women use that as an abusive tool for manipulation. That's your first big sign that he's tired of being fucked over.
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2 mo
I got emotional reading this! I feel bad for him if this is the truth because he is a very loving individual. I can tell by how he speaks kindly of his friends and family and takes care of the people around him and asking nothing in return.
Don't feel bad for him, root him on for being strong.
If you feel bad, then you're going to push him towards manipulating you in that way. Instead, respect that's he's still being loving in a world where his needs and experience are considered nobodies problem but his own.
He clearly likes you, and you could become anything from a dream to a nightmare.
in my opinion, get sex therapy. It'll be good for you no matter what, and it's generally the make or break crux of a relationship. A lot can be hashed out in the sack. He could get sex therapy too, but men are generally told not to have opinions about sex because it's objectifying, and finding a sex therapist as a man is almost impossible. Just make sure that if you get a therapist tells you to "put yourself first," you find a new one. A lot of therapists really love making their clients do sociopathic things because it's a short cut to improving ones life.
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