I mix love and pity for each other - what to do?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Here’s the part of the story - I haven’t told. I was talking to my cousin on phone and she reminded that in the beginning of dating, I felt pity to my now-ex (The one that was Chinese) and she reminded me that - I was actually dating another guy at that time for almost 3 months, very nice 28 year old American entrepreneur who wanted to be my boyfriend,

but my now-ex wouldn’t leave me alone and he was emotionally manipulating on me and making me feel pity for him and I felt hurt for him and I felt guilty for rejecting someone who cared for me so much.

So, in the end, I stopped dating that writer, with whom I had a very good chemistry, I felt like he was independent enough to survive a heartbreak and instead I started dating my now-ex, because I felt like he needed me more.

Now, I remembered that my love was never based on my feeling of being impressed of him, actually I felt pity for him and I dated him out of that feeling. I know it feels bad.

But, I think my love was never based on a pure love.

I am concerned that my only love was based on a feeling of feeling pity for someone.

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

It is concerning for me that I only ever let my guard down when I felt pity for someone.

My cousin also reminded that at that time I was often annoyed about my now-ex, because he wouldn’t leave me alone and wouldn’t take no as an answer, and instead was showering me with love and attention.

Updates

3 mo

So I basically turned down a very nice guy just because I didn’t feel pity for him and he was strong and independent and I chose someone I felt pity for…

Do I have a brain? 🧠

Updates

3 mo

That guy was also a writer and a very emotional and a nice person.

[TenderFantasy]

You seem like you have a good heart.

I too had been guilty of that. A long time ago, I dated this man who was divorced and became homeless. Thing is, his face (he had a white Caucasian face) looked really pathetic. Cute but pathetic as well, especially because of what he was going through.

Be proud. a lot of people don't have a heart like you. They would just DUMP someone for stupid reasons. They would GHOST someone even though that person loves them. Everybody is SELFISH these days, and sometimes also racist.

I guess if this is a lesson for you, then you just have to learn it and make sure not to repeat the same mistake again, that's all. It's not that big of a deal. Tell your boyfriend (who was your ex in the past) that this is how you really feel, and he needs to be the one to MAN up and deal with the rejection and get counseling.

That American white dude as you were saying, he was used to being independent without romance, that is probably what happend. A lot of people from the U. S. they get encouraged to be Red Pillers who HATE women and or incels, Men Go their own Way (MGTOW). Also, a lot of men, they are selfish jerks and are encouraged to not need a relationship but just be forever bachelors that think they can land a 20 year old even though they are balding, very overweight and having a beer belly and living in their parent's house! That's what the media has sadly encouraged. They are no longer wanting to PROTECT women or be encouraged to LOVE them! They now want to USE them and if it doesn't fit their life narrative anymore, they would rather DUMP for a small issue!

[IslaTheWitch]

You asked a question about changing negative experiences into the positive ones. I answered about learning a lesson.

It's a perfect example. You realized the mistake you had made. So now is time for the retrospection. You also in indirect way pointed that your Chinese boyfriend didn't give you time to rethink, to connect with yourself, to assess your situation.

So you can draw your conclusion. Don't let anyone to corner you. Take step back, take your time to rethink things, to analyze events and behaviors. And never ever make any decision when you are under emotions.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you so much… That’s a valuable peace of advice.

Only just I remembered that I was choosing between these two men, who to have a relationship with, and I chose wrongly.

I was definitely being cornered, I’ll try to make sure it never happens again.

[IslaTheWitch]

For that we have friends. They listen from outside and see different things than you do. Also have different experiences. That's why we need people we can talk to...

[love_conquers_lust]

Emotions are useful. They’re alarms that notify us something isn’t quite right. It’s helped humans survive for thousands of years before modern living. But you’re absolutely right in that making calm and collected decisions while gathering and listening to other emotions is often more beneficial. I can’t stress that enough that there is nothing inherently wrong with emotions. The people truly devoid of emotions are psycopathic.

[NathanDavis]

well, it happens... and it is fine

this is how we learn, from our experiences, and yes... love is not always the same, there's usually different "foundations" for it, especially as you're growing up

this is what my ex-girlfriend from high-school and myself talked about at the time... the main reason why we fell in love so deeply, was not only because we liked each other so much and we were great to one another but also... because we needed each other so badly, we were a bit messed up, both... so we felt more normal and more complete because we had each other

so our love was also rooted in a void we had within ourselves, so... as time went by, and we grew up and we became more of our own person each... our situation also changed, we were now much better people and different people, we did not need each other anymore to feel complete, to feel more normal to feel great about ourselves and our own too, and this is part of the reason why we moved on, we finished our romantic (and codependent) relationship as a couple, and we have remained great and close friends, till today

so, not the same situation as yours but still, similar in the way that the reason for that love was perhaps not the ideal one, but it was still a caring love... it's still real love

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That second guy, the American one, he was very nice really, we had an incredible chemistry too, he was my type lookswise, but I thought he was so successful, so good-looking and popular - He didn’t probably need me as much as the Chinese one needed me - he was not successful, he was shy, he was incredibly attentive and sweet and he knew that I was dating someone else, but he told me later on, that he made it his goal that he would be the one to stay with me, so he gave it his all to pursue a relationship with me, he was around me all the time, I rejected him and he’d end up near my apartment again, he kind of stood between me and that another guy, I started going on dates with him, less and less often.

That American one asked me to be his girlfriend, but I asked him to give me time to think and I took a break and later on, I told him I actually caught feelings for someone else.

I think I fell for my ex for the wrong reasons and I feel like I must have stayed by the side of a person for whom I felt no pity but admiration and respect.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Lookswise both were very good looking,

One was blond blue eyes and very athletic and another one was Asian, brown eyed and also athletic. So looks wise it was same competition, it was just I felt more pity for the second guy and chose him…

It’s such a bad and an unhealthy reason to fall in love with someone…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s so weird… Most girls fall for men they don’t feel pity for, I don’t know why I fell for someone I felt pity for.

I deserved having my heart broke , I was so silly.

[NathanDavis]

to be honest... this is way way way more common than you think

a lot of girls do "fall" for guys they feel pity, sorry for, and want to fix them or help them... it happens all the time

so much that many guys know this and do this... the "hurt puppy" act and that's how they get girls

"the bad boy that is awful to all girls but not with me, with me he is a nice guy"

this is the exact plot to many rom-coms as well... lol

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

And during my whole relationship with my ex, I tried to build him up, because I saw him as broken.

I built him up, he told me he was a shadow of a man when he met me and he became a man by my side.

But what was that for?

I must have chosen someone I felt was equal of me, someone who wouldn’t change, someone who was already a man…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yeah, my ex was definitely a bad guy who was just good to me and he was broken and depressed.

The second one was a traditional nice guy who just wanted a person to share his happiness with. He even wrote about me.

Like a silly girl I was, I chose the broken one. I don’t have regrets. I didn’t have feelings for that another guy, but I’d grow feelings had I kept dating him, because the chemistry was already there and he respected me a lot and liked me genuinely.

I just feel like I should learn my lesson and never fall in love out of pity again. It doesn’t end well.

[NathanDavis]

it is a valuable lesson to learn, by experience and first hand...

so, from now on... you will be in a much better position to make decisions that would have a much more better outcome for you (=

[NathanDavis]

also... it could have been and gone worse for you or him, but it didn't...

so that's good, that's great (=

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My ex was also broke and that made me feel more pity, I didn’t want to feel like a bad person, the another guy had his own successful business and I was thinking, he’d be fine with a heartbreak and maybe it wouldn’t affect him as much as it would affect someone who had nothing.

[NathanDavis]

lessons learned, Femme... lessons learned (=

[RavVid]

Well it is a fine emotion capability to have to feel a need to care for someone else. Clearly it is not good to have that need to care to drive love rather than the reverse. You were a love nurse in this.

There is also the annoyance at being given too much attention.

I think in the first aspect you could deal with it in your logical mind and question his suitability for you.

The second problem is more of an issue. Maybe he was like blow fly buzzing around you but unless you are silly then you want to be important to your partner. A keen guy is going to be wanting a lot of sex for a start.

It might be that you didn't match his eagerness at the time and I wonder that you let another guy take you away from him. You could have felt flattered by his attention. In what you have recounted I am more worried for you by the this later aspect. Say you want X hours a week but get annoyed by X plus 1 hour. You might have an unrealistcally tight threshold.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Tight threshold for what? Didn’t fully understand

[RavVid]

Oh sorry kept it too tight :). What is was trying to say you might like the attention for two hours but start feeling annoyed if it is 2.5 hours. My cat is like that. purring, loving the pats... then bites cause it has gone on 30 secs too long.

I'm not saying you are like that because I can scarcely know but I think like my cat we can sudden;y decide we're over it. Not entirely fairly.

Does that make more sense?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I had a similar tendency where I conflated love with pity, and also a sense of being needed with being loved. Might be an ENFP tendency given that we're both ENFPs.

In particular I was attracted to women who were often sad and lonely starting out and invited a lot of trouble that way. I was attracted to the idea that I could take care of them. In hindsight, I don't know if I ever loved them the normal way someone should. I loved them somewhat like how a parent loves a child.

One thing that was extremely counter-intuitive when I started forming healthier relationships, especially with my wife, is how little she needed me. I thought since she wasn't needy at all, she didn't truly love me.

Yet now I think I had it all wrong. Needy people don't necessarily even love us, they just need us like a drug addict needs their next fix or else they start to suffer withdrawal. It's people who "want" us, not "need" us, who truly love us, because to want is a very voluntary choice among someone with the freest will.

So it might be a transitioning process for you (it certainly was for me) but it can make a world of difference in finding healthier relationships when you can learn to avoid conflating pity with love. Our best partners will instead tend to inspire admiration as very competent and self-sufficient people.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

This memory feels eye-opening, I basically very often rejected the right men in favor of the ones who weren’t right. Because deep down I didn’t feel like good enough for those “right” men…

It is eye opening in the sense that it reminds me how much I was annoyed of my once “beloved” ex. How I was annoyed that he did not give me the space and time and seems like I have even messaged my cousin that he was manipulative, in the very beginning of dating.

But my tremendous pity and empathy to him overpowered me and for the first time in my life, I fell in love…

Was that love though?

Can you healthily love someone who you pity?

You can pity a puppy, but you can’t pity a man and love him and respect him.

I did love and respect him, but did he deserve it? He did, in the beginning, he was treating me amazingly, but only before he got sure that I was in love with him.

I feel like I made a very wrong decision by choosing someone out of pity, rather than purely my own healthy attraction - that I had for another guy, but because he was very strong and independent- I thought my ex would love me more than him, so I chose him.

Now, I feel like my ex was far from perfect and actually while he did love me in his own way, his love was manipulative, selfish, controlling and all-consuming. I was not angel either, but I tried my best.
I don’t blame him.

If it wouldn’t be him, it would be someone else. It’s my duty to overcome my own mindset.

And stop catching feelings for people I feel sorry for.

I am not a charity and I deserve being loved by someone who just wants me instead of needing me.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Sounds like you're on the right track!

I have two pet cats now, both originally strays who were very sickly originally (one with a hip fracture, the other with feline stomatitis). I think the world of them and this is a case where I think we can afford to start falling in love out of pity. It's considerably more troublesome when we select our romantic partners this way.

I think some of my attraction to my early girlfriends were also inspired, in part, by low self-esteem on some subconscious level. It's a bit difficult for me to separate since I'm one of those types where I can be laughing and having so much fun at a party but if I spot someone looking lonely or sad out of the corner of my eye, it breaks my entire mood and I feel the need to talk to them and see if I can cheer them up. Many of my early girlfriends were all ones I tried to cheer up this and become attached that way: the girl sitting alone in the corner at the party looking lonely or sad. But I might have been inclined in part due to low self-esteem.

Also wasn't an angel in my case. Just speaking for myself, I especially was ill-suited to date needy women since I wasn't very mature back then and often lost my patience and acted immaturely.

I hope you can find someone you can love without the slightest need for pity.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am same…

Weirdest thing was that both of these men knew I wasn’t exclusively dating them, I warned them from the beginning that I wasn’t ready for relationships. But both of them were trying to get me to exclusively date them.

And both of them were trying to impress me.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I started off kind of opposite there. I wanted to dive into exclusive relationships. It was only when I started to get completely turned off by relationships and dating that I met my wife, then we were friends for a whole year (a bit of a flirtationship) until I finally asked her out. It seemed to help me in my particular case to almost become allergic to dating and relationships to find the right person.

[Claire2002]

Nah I wouldn't bash myself for this, you are intelligent and you have high empathy, but your empathy can play against you sometimes.

You remind me of Allison Cameron in Dr House when they reveal that she married a terminal patient, and Dr House gives her an introspection, telling her that she loves to help other people even if this means suffering.

So now if I were you I would ask myself for the last time: 'am I happy with this guy I feel pity for?' I understand that the answer is 'no', but I think that you should think about it. And I hope you will find the courage of breaking up, which doesn't necessarily mean that you will restart dating the guy you liked because he might be dating somebody else, but at least you will set yourself on the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Not going to lie, all I hear is excuses for why you didn’t take accountability for your own feeling and actions. You let your feelings dictate the best match than anything else. Own it. He didn’t manipulate you.. you bought that shit he was telling you. Even tho you knew you wanted the other guy. He didn’t make you feel guilty, he didn’t do any of that. Those are feeling you had and you alone felt. No man can make you feel a certain way you feel. You are in control of how you feel and how you react and the choices you make for your decisions. You made a poor choice, that’s entirely and completely on you. Learn from it grow.

[AmeerX]

You really need to let it go. You are really feeling this way because the relationship failed. Stop fantasizing a person you couldn't have. Your cousin is wrong okay, you can try your luck now with someone like that writer. Ohh he is so good because I couldn't have him.

Stop feeling this way please, for your own sake. At this rate you will always have options and when you decide someone and it doesn't work out will you say this too.

Femme, look I know you are spiritual etc. But even from a game theory analysis, if you got one you couldn't have the other okay. You feel your Chinese boyfriend/fiance was weak but how do you know the uncertainty of the other person. Just because he is not available to you now, it is making you feel like he was indeed the good option. Don't you remember, do it or don't do it, you will regret it 😃

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My Chinese fiancé wasn’t weak, he was a narcissist, perfectly smart and manipulative… I know him…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I just didn’t remember his bad sides and had him overidealized…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am not saying I was perfect, he had his sides worth loving… But he had some narcissistic tendencies and manipulations, that I forgave over and over again.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Anyone else in my place would have broken up with him earlier, because he was emotionally hurting me… But I was accepting him and forgave… Which was very wrong… I must have broken up earlier, for both of our sake.

[AmeerX]

Narcissists do this, I know because my fiance was like this too. She always guilt tripped me okay. So, I can relate. Thing is in the end she and her family broke up.

No one is saying you are perfect. Just don't beat yourself up Femme. You can be sarcastic and meant too 😑. But hey, as you understand it that you are over idealizing the other person, just don't do it.

I felt pity for my fiance too. In the end, it wouldn't work out. Right now you are pitying yourself. But trust me you don't like me 🤣, why am I giving you good advice I don't know hahaha. Okay here is the thing for you, you are feeling this void because you couldn't be with a man. It's turning you like this. Don't let it get to you.

I personally could have done so much for my fiance but she suffocated me with those hurtful words when I was out buying her earrings. I talked to girls, but I remained faithful to her. But it didn't last.

To this day I feel like it just wasn't meant to be with her. I fought my family for her. To this day I hear from my brother you and father are responsible for this. My mother and my brother and sisters were against the arranged marriage 😞. I am so disheartened that I have stopped running after women. If someone wants to be with me now, she has to accept my flaws.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Nope, I am not pitying myself. I never like to see myself as a victim. So, I always thought I was the one at fault, hence why I over forgave and overidealized the another person…

[AmeerX]

Great if you are not pitying yourself. That's the way to healing. You are strong woman but hear it out. Seeing yourself as a victim vs being the actual Victim are two separate things. We don't like to be seen weak. But sometimes we are. Accept it, and let others come to your help. Why do you think you like your brother? Because you can tell him when it hurts.

It's okay I do over idealize European women even though people from this very site and irl also said they are not great 😅.

Here is a reason for my own flaw. I think it's the old age image of women in my country of being very good and blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it and so I want to just go and get married to first woman who I find good enough. I don't want to wait for a person match. Frankly, it's interfering with my main goals as it's distracting me

[love_conquers_lust]

Compassion can override logic sometimes. It takes a lot of wisdom to recognize the two. You absolutely have a brain, you may not have it programmed it to a way that’s most beneficial for you. It’s you who has the ultimate say in what you believe.

[incorrected]

Wait, did I read correctly that you were cheating on the Chinese guy with the American guy for 3 months?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, they both knew I wasn’t exclusively dating them, they were both trying to impress me and get me to exclusively date them.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I warned the American one from the very beginning that I wasn’t ready for relationships, he told me he would try to prove me wrong.

They both were aware of each other’s existence. But when the American one asked me to be exclusive with him, I realized I had feelings for the Chinese one, stopped dating the American one and got into a relationship with the Chinese one. Cause I felt more pity for him, the American one was successful and I didn’t feel pity for him. I mistakenly thought feeling pity was love.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I was not in a relationship with American one, we were just dating to get to know each other. I was also a virgin. And haven’t cheated on anyone. They both knew I was a virgin.

[Veles]

Haven't you figured it out yet? All your problems is you're a dramatic weirdo who chases toxic guys and addicted to emotional pain.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

They chase me, I don’t chase anyone, about others I agree.

[Staximus]

You just have to realize that you can't save every lost dog

[californianjoe]

I don't think you should think too much about this issue.

[Jennz6]

You are giving it thought and that’s good !

[msc545]

Wow. Just wow.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Could you please tell me more of your thoughts rather than “wow”?

[msc545]

I definitely could. I think I was asleep when I wrote that.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Alright, share me your thoughts then.

[KrakenAttackin]

Your problem is you have too many choices.