Guys, if you were the gaslighting ones in your twenties, what caused you to mature and be honest?

[Anonymous]

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I think some of it was just realizing I have it in me to change my ways.

I didn't gaslight in the sense of deliberately trying to manipulate people. What I did mainly was that I blamed my parents for my bad behavior. My parents were abusive and neglectful but I'd try to blame them for everything, like if I misbehaved and got angry and said something mean to a girlfriend, I'd blame it on my parents.

I thought I was being so honest when I'd sit them down and explain my messed up childhood to them and hope to gain some sympathy that way.

What I failed to realize back then is, "Who cares?" Like either way, I misbehaved. Trying to blame my childhood for it isn't persuading someone that I'm going to change.

So one of the ultimate things that helped me to stop blaming my history for my behavior was to learn how to actually change my behavior. I learned that by studying Stoicism. Quotes like these changed my entire life:

Once I learned about this, I stopped blaming my past for my misbehavior. I just fully started owning it. Everything I do wrong is always my fault no matter what. That was the first step towards fixing it.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Before I learned about Stoicism and starting to put Stoic ideas into practice, I didn't know I could control my feelings. I thought when I got angry and shouted at people, I'm being genuine and true to my real feelings. How can I take accountability for something I have no idea how to control?

So I thought I needed to just persuade people that I have no control over such behavior. Once I started learning how to become more of a Stoic though, I started to realize I have tremendous control over my feelings. I just had no idea how to do it before that.

[Asker]

Wow, you are awesome. It felt good to read your journey. Thanks for sharing. Right now I am going through a trip, preserving the change of my boyfriend. He was a liar and he did gaslight me a few times, even when I saw things with my eyes. He tried to protect his views by straight up denying them. Now he became more honest, he tells me his thoughts straight up and he said himself that even though I was controlling myself, he can't be the same he was either. Sometimes I doubt him, but he has come a long way

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Cheers! I hope he has legitimately changed that way. One of the key lessons I learned from studying about Stoicism is that it's our thinking patterns that cause us to misbehave and experience negative emotions (my main problem was anger, for others it might be jealousy, insecurity, resentment, feeling overwhelmed, etc).

Learning to behave more productively boils down to thinking more productively. Even the words we use in our minds and speak outwardly can affect it. For example, if we think something is "stressful", it might make us feel stressed out and upset. If we reframe that and use the word, "challenging", that might not make us feel so stressed and upset and even motivate us to tackle it.

[Asker]

I feel hopeful because of you, so really, thanks. It shows that even when someone blames someone else for their behaviour, they can change.