I told a guy who ghosted me that I was willing to get work done to my face if he wasn’t attracted to me?

[Anonymous]

I really just didn’t want to let him go..

I feel like I’m unlovable and Im easy to dispose

[bobalife]

Oh no, let the ghoster stay as a ghoster… if you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong and he just ghosted you, don’t reach out… and don’t get any part of you done for this… hope someday you’ll be able to love yourself enough to let them go when they wanna leave esp if it’s due to things like no attraction.

[HelpfulWoman]

then you should seek therapy over how ridiculous you sound at 25-29 that you're desperate enough to do that.

[Anonymous]

Do not do this. other people will love your face

[Asker]

Lmaooo not if the same thing keeps happening

[HollyK21]

It’s March😞

[Asker]

You never responded back

[HollyK21]

Sorry love I didn’t realize. How are you doing?

[Asker]

I’m actually good

It’s all good. We talked about it enough

[HollyK21]

Even though we’ve talked about it so much, you’re still here and that’s what concerns me. If you are doing good then I am genuinely so glad to hear that! It means you are coming out of this funk and leaving that guy behind. That’s what you want!👏

[Asker]

Tbh I don’t know why I still bring it up… it stings every now and then… but it’s starting to feel like a “safe” thing to talk about. It brings me comfort when I’m feeling anxious

But I do deep down wish he thinks about me and reach out. It’s like I mentally still want him to stay somewhere in my life..

But I’m practicing detachment and tbh if he reached out I would only be disrespecting myself… he doesn’t deserve a second chance

[HollyK21]

It’s so interesting to me that you find this situation comforting when he has triggered you in such a negative way. I think maybe it’s the idea of him that is comforting and you’re not ready to let go of. You saw a lot of potential that you haven’t seen before (or at least in a long time), anyone would want to hang on to a connection they feel safe and comfortable in. Still, the reality of it all is that this just wasn’t the right guy. You may not be able to see it now while you’re in this space but eventually you will. If he does reach out at some point then I definitely agree that it would only be disrespecting yourself to speak with him. He’s just not worth the trouble babe.

[Asker]

Yeah it’s the idea of him … just never experiencing certain things and feeling like I never will. Believe or not I really did want to become intimate with him and I liked the way he talked to me.. I generally always felt uncomfortable around men.. even my dad sometimes… I have some traumas there but I just never wanted to be near a man and feel affectionate like I did with him. He’s not “all that “…. He’s looking older bc he’s near 40… but again I just didn’t think it would have all ended up like this.. looking back I didn’t feel respected by him and now he could care less. Like he said..”he has higher priorities “….

But he isn’t right for me and I know that I will stop attaching myself to men so soon who haven’t proven that they loved me… but now I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I just want to be a maneater. I want to be a cold bitch to men. I hate them. Tbh

[HollyK21]

As someone who spent the better half of my 20s as a man eater let me tell you it’s notttt it lol. Why? Because it’s self sabotaging for one, and two, he doesn’t deserve to have a lifelong effect on your decision making.

I used to think that being a cold bitch was like getting back at men and I was fine being heartless with that because I genuinely neverrr thought I’d be with a good man, flat out convinced. By 28–29 I was fed up! Like fully. I met my man once before giving him my number the second time, but that first time? I didn’t give him the time of day. He was trying to buy my drinks, engage with me and I was not having it lol. Now look, I’m in this relationship I couldn’t imagine would happen.

So in that respect get where you’re coming from and if there’s ever a time to listen to me, this is the one. I can tell you’re a good woman, don’t let this guy taint how you live your life going forward. It’s not going to make you feel better, as much as you think it will, mainly because it’s not your character. Like posting the sexy pics, I think that’s less about you and more to appeal to a man. These are things you don’t wanna do based on a man’s perception.

[Asker]

I’m just not stable mentally

I’m all over the place tbh

[HollyK21]

Didn’t you say you found a therapist? How’d that go?

[Asker]

She had a death in her family

Haven’t heard from her in a week

[HollyK21]

Wow! I mean I’m sorry to hear that for her of course but damn. Are you able to reach out to her? If she’s not an option then maybe someone else. It’s so important.

[Asker]

I’m so used to counselors never trying to reach out to me… I’ll put in effort and call and email… we’ll get in touch.. I fill out the information or I’ll do what they said do… then I don’t hear from them and they don’t put in any effort to check in. This has happened with 3… so I just don’t care. I filled out the information and I’m ready to pay out of pocket.

I just don’t give a damn. I’m going to just hit the gym and smoke

[Asker]

I brought this on myself. I shouldn’t have fallen for a guy especially when he knows I’m a “slut”….. why would I ever trust a man that that’s attracted to me dressing slutty and then pulls back when I actually show genuine interest…. I learned my lesson. Dress slutty but don’t get attached and don’t trust them.. they will deceive you and hurt you with no care in the world.

[Asker]

I struggled with limerence and obsessive thoughts since I was 13. I know what it is. I was just ashamed to admit.

Every crush I’ve had has always been the center of my world… even if we never spoke. I would constantly ask the same questions about them using yahoo answers or just asking people questions constantly… I was very emotionally neglected by my mother growing up…

I have to keep asking the question until they tell me “he MIGHT like you “ “he looked at you “…. It made me feel so good it was so addictive…. But I needed constant reassurance bc that high would wear off… and I would need to ask them again. They were very annoyed and would tell me to stop asking because they didn’t know the answer.

I’ve been this way my whole life and tbh it’s all I had to feel validated and good. I never got over any of them but when I find another person that’s when my attention just shifts on the next person but it never goes away

It concerned my mom but she didn’t know what it was and she didn’t think I needed help for it

I did talk to therapist about it and they just said it’s just a crush its normal… but it wasn’t

I lived through them mentally and emotionally… constantly checked in with them online to see their pictures and post just to fantasize that I’m possibly good enough and wanted.

[Asker]

Im sorry I wasn’t honest the first time

[HollyK21]

Awe Chels, I’m sending you the biggest hug and all the love! I feel you for sure, and honestly it’s sad because I think our generation of parents just didn’t understand mental health. In the times that you could’ve used the professional help but got brushed off or ignored, I can relate to that for sure. Our parents just didn’t get it, and now that you’re older it’s like this is the result of their naïve decision-making (i say naive because they were probably young in their 20s).

It is what it is I guess, as an adult I’ve just had to do the work to heal everything: how I thought, acted, responded to bs, etc etc it all needed to be healed and corrected.

You never mentioned this guys age, but now that you’ve said it and I take your age range into account, I wonder have you ever considered that the comfort you felt with him was more “fatherly”? One of the main things you reiterate is how safe and comfortable you felt with him, and honestly a lot of that could have to do with daddy issues. I know that with mine, he wasn’t “bad”, just generally absent and I don’t feel like I had the proper male influence when it mattered most. Like my first time dealing with guys, who to pick and who to not, what to look out for, etc. I mainly had my mothers knowledge and influence, which works well as a woman raising a woman but still, having our dads protection and all that would’ve made a big difference. Of course that may not relate to your situation, it’s just a theory.

Sorry to hear about all the hassle with therapists and counselors but please don’t let the struggles detour you. Keeping fighting for your mental health and overall betterment, because you deserve to feel better!

[Asker]

My mother was in her 40s around the time. I did eventually go to counseling 15/16. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety

But I was a “daddy’s girl” … my parents divorced when I was 7. He moved away but he was still a good dad. I didn’t go without and I spent weekends and holidays with him. My issue was that when he remarried he kind of treated me differently… I feel like I was more of the step child and my stepmothers kids were more of his kids. I think my dad really cared about my stepsister and I think they had a lot of one on one time. It’s hard to explain but my dad never really talked to me about men.. he didn’t teach me how to drive… etc. But he always talks to me about her and her situations and how he’s concerned about her. I definitely think my step sister was better. She was outgoing etc.. I was quiet and a avg kid… I felt I got the crumbs.

So I’m realizing that I never felt valued by either parents growing up

I stopped talking to my step sister and step mom due to on going disrespect. We had a fight and I hadn’t talked to them since… I still talk to my dad even though I wish I gave myself time to forgive him for not having my back in any way.

So I spiraled a bit more. Started drinking and doing stuff for attention. I love attention from men.

The guy is 10 years older than me. He’s the opposite of my dad personality wise.. he’s more assertive/dominate in my mind… my dad is soft and a pushover… he has troubles manning up a lot of times.

[Asker]

But true. I’m looking for a new person now

Thank you! Hope you had a great weekend! Have a great week

[HollyK21]

I think the ideas of feeling valued, protected, and heard by men are direct results of how our parents raised us. We grew up so differently yet struggled with such similar grievances, traumas and mindsets. I see a lot of my younger self in you, and that’s why I know that even though things are how they are now, they won’t always be that way.

Everything you’re saying to me, I feel like these are things you’re coming to terms with yourself and I absolutely love that for you because it means progress is being made. To me that’s a win no matter what. And there’s no need to thank me Chels! I’m rooting for you so much❤️

[Asker]

Aw thank you holly! Thanks for being here for me! ❤️❤️❤️

[HollyK21]

No problem babe! Just remember you’re not alone, if you need me I’m here🤍

[Asker]

Thank you ❤️

[Asker]

I don’t want love Holly. I just think I need it to feel validated

I want to be a maneater. I want to hurt them

[HollyK21]

Honestly I don’t think right now is the best time to even think about all that. You’re still getting over the whole thing with that guy and it’s better to focus on yourself for a while. I probably wouldn’t even deal with a man, whether it’s with the intent to hurt them or otherwise. It’s just energy best spent elsewhere babe, you’re emotionally drained.

[HollyK21]

When the time comes and you find someone you’re interested in again, change your approach.

Don’t create any attachments too quickly, at least those first 3 months and don’t set any expectations. With the African dude, there was so much hurt because you put him on a pedestal he never never worked to earn, and put hope into a future you don’t even know he could provide. Never do that, just be present and stick to your standards/boundaries.

I mean that’s what most men do, right? When they don’t see you as a match, you aren’t offering what they want, they found someone else, etc etc etc they are able to leave without hesitation. Why? Because they don’t invest the emotions that women do and can make smarter choices since it’s not influenced by hopes and dreams. I had to learn how to keep my feelings out of the situation too soon, so that if I saw a red or yellow flag I absolutely dipped. You can’t do that when you have too much hope.

[Asker]

So so true. I learned my lesson and I’ll be on point from here on out.

But I can’t miss or want something I never had! I’ve never been loved.. all my experiences with men have ended up with me being hurt or situationships.

I will continue with my image but I just know not to trust them ever.

Feeling desired is a drug for me.. almost like a new identity. I don’t like Chelsea and no one else does either. She’s a pure loser and such an idiot. I can’t be her anymore. I want her to die. Bc I’m too afraid to kill her physically I can only create some one else

But I will focus on me

[HollyK21]

If you don’t like the woman you are right now then reinvent yourself, but do it without having a man’s desire and validation in mind. Mainly because sure it’ll make you feel good when you get that compliment but you’re going to feel like shit directly after. Being objectified, used, never the main option always the backup, it gets old.

The validation you need comes from within, as does creating structure, stability and confidence. What you want from a man, you lack within yourself, and nothing will make you feel better until you do the work to heal what’s causing all this.

[Asker]

Tbh I don’t know what’s causing it.

I get the attention without investing in anything with them. Idc anything about them

[HollyK21]

But to get the attention you have to degrade yourself. It says a lot about the fact that you’d like for a man to ask you to cover up or dress differently, or to feel insulted by you know who asking what your dad would think of your pictures. I don’t think at your core you want to get attention for being objectified. You will outgrow this, heal from this and when that time comes you don’t want your choices during this phase of pain being attached to your identity, forever. It’s so easy to fall into immediate gratification but we are only getting older Chels, don’t let this be part of what defines you at 29, 30, etc.

[Asker]

I only want to hear it by a man I like bc I like possessive men or men who do want me to have more respect for myself bc they “care”….

But ik im “degrading “ myself. I call it sexual confidence and it has been healing my mother womb

[HollyK21]

Do you feel more confident overall?

[Asker]

Sexually only

[Asker]

It gives me a sense of confidence

[HollyK21]

Hmm, what’s so great about sexual confidence right now?

[Asker]

Holly… attention, desire… what isn’t great about it? It feels safe …. It feels close to love without commitment. It love attention etc?

Be sexy but don’t get attached to any man

[Asker]

Isn’t love*

[HollyK21]

I do agree, all of those feelings are great but at what cost? Personally I feel like it’s in direct conflict with your morals, or a contradiction to your talking points at best. I say this because your biggest qualm with the African guy was feeling like he just wanted sex or to use you. Yet here you are, ready to put yourself in the position to be perceived as a sexual object and now saying it’s a confidence boost. I know you have a lot of your mind and you’re just speaking it, you may not be acting on any of this yet. But if your intention is to do so, then I really hope you change your mind about that because I don’t think it’s what you want. By that I don’t mean the attention or desire, but the route you’re ready to travel in order to get it.

[HollyK21]

Men are at the center of so much pain you’re experiencing now, don’t you wanna be done with them for a while? And I mean like done-done.

[Asker]

With the African guy I felt he tried to deceive me… he made me think that I was more than my pics. I really thought it would work out but in the end he was still willing to sleep with me with no relationship.

Men have been my greatest pain but I let them… I just need to learn detachment.

[HollyK21]

Detachment for sure, but mainly in the beginning, at least the first month or so. Best way to do that is to stay as present as possible. Like you can still determine if he’d make a good partner or not without emotionally investing too soon. Having your wall up but making sure there’s a gate in that wall, protecting yourself but still allowing opportunity for them to enter on your terms.

[Asker]

True, but I don’t care about any of that. I just want to use them for money, attention or whatever and leave them alone. Chew and spit

[HollyK21]

That sort of detachment is ideal in theory but unrealistic. As women we are just too emotional to deal with men like that and catch no feelings ever. It’s best to just leave them alone right now in general.

[Asker]

No because I’m in control. I don’t know what love is exactly so it’s easier for me to move on.

The African guy was just a mistake

[HollyK21]

Whatever works for you Chels🤍

[Asker]

Okay lol 😭❤️

[Asker]

Before you go…

Can you honestly agree that he deceived me… with everything said? Do we yet agree?

[Asker]

Whatever you choose I’ll just say ok

[HollyK21]

I never want you to feel like I disagree with that aspect on purpose, because it’s truly not like that and I have nothing to gain from my bias. I just don’t feel like his intent was to deceive or use you.

I have a few reasons for this belief that I’ve shared over time, but the driving force is what did he get out of it? He’s the one who chose to walk away before anything ever happened. I think if he intended to use you for sex, he would’ve tried to see it through. When he ghosted, it’s not like you were fed up with him or not talking to him, you were still available and still tried contacting him after. You thought very highly of him, and if he’d kept taking you on dates, finessing and all that, he may have eventually gotten sex and then dipped. But he ultimately left because he didn’t have the time, according to him.

Other than these things, I’m just not sure what he could’ve lied about other than his name. Maybe your expectations of him were just too high, and that’s why it felt like deception.

[Asker]

Oh yeah… it does boil back down to my expectations of him… weren’t met

But I think him saying on the date that he didn’t want a relationship and he seemed a bit disappointed bc he wanted to know what’s the purpose if you aren’t having sex with someone.. (I totally forgot how he asked me) but I told him yes… a guy I was talking to wanted friends with benefits but we ended up just talking and having an emotional connection so it’s possible… we stayed friends. No sex involved

He seemed like he just really wanted to have sex but again he’s “not ready “…. Then the comment “I’m afraid to sleep with you because you might get crazier … I told him that wasn’t true and then he asked me how I feel I've been ig in our conversations. etc

But he said he doesn’t like drama whatever that means. He just had no intention on staying with me after he slept with me

Yes it’s reasonable to say why he doesn’t want to sleep with me…. Why is he overly concerned about sleeping with me when we haven’t established a true emotional connection yet.

But I also felt sleepy after the date but I feel it’s impossible to put something in my tea

[HollyK21]

I’ve been trying to think of the right words to say, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings or offend you. But the more information I learn about this, the more I hate to say this but I think the main reason he cut ties was because of your mental state😞

I feel this way based off the comments he’s made, like maybe you should take some time to yourself before dating, and not wanting to make you “crazier”, which to me implied that he already was writing you off as a crazy woman. To say you misunderstand what he says, tells me he doesn’t find you receptive. All of this and everything else contributed to his overall view that it wasn’t a good match.

He’s an older guy, and unfortunately he may have felt that you were drama. Even if that wasn’t your intent, it was just too much too soon. He did leave pretty soon after, so I can’t even be like “so why didn’t he drop you the same day”, I mean how incredibly cold would that have been.

There was no great way to end things because you wouldn’t have been happy no matter what. I think you have an anxious attachment style, and already know that he will be at the center of your grief until the next guy comes along.

If I were you I wouldn’t want to operate like that.

[HollyK21]

When you’re dealing with a guy, you have to take into consideration what traits and behavior you’re wanting him to love you through, and if that request is reasonable.

It’s as if you want a man to look past the issues you haven’t even dealt with, and to me that’s not only impractical but incredibly unhealthy. Your coping methods are self destructive and leave no room for genuine connections.

[Asker]

Yes I already felt that way…. He said I come off a tad unstable over text … when we talked on the phone he mentioned that.

But I don’t understand why he would continue if he felt that way.

He dumped me because he didn’t want me acting CRAZY after we slept together because he knew he didn’t want anything long term with me.

A man who actually wants to be with you wouldn’t really think about how you would act after sex because he plans on staying in a relationship with you.

He didn’t want just sex but he didn’t want a relationship either

[HollyK21]

Have you seen or heard of movies like Fatal Attraction, A thin line between love and hate, etc, where basically the woman goes crazy after they’ve had sex? Of course there’s other elements to the situations in those movies but my point of reference is that this is the kind of crazy I think he’s talking about. Nothing to do with being in a relationship or committing, but how you would behave.

When you say that a man who actually wants to be with you wouldn’t really think about how you’d act after sex, I think that kinda circles back around to wanting a man to “love you through it”, and taking into consideration what exactly you think he should stay with you despite. I mean look at what’s happening now for example, months later after only knowing him for two weeks, with no intimacy involved you’re sprung. Imagine if he’d taken your virginity you’d never ever get over it if he ghosted after that.

Even if he didn’t know the full spectrum of your mental health struggles, he’s experienced enough with women to have some idea of a potentially red or yellow flag, and I think he believed sex with you would lead to drama, which he’s said he doesn’t want. Whether he was right about that I don't know.

Ultimately though I think it all boils down to what you said in that last line: he didn’t want just sex but he didn’t want a relationship either. He had his priorities, was too busy, and even if you don’t agree with his reasons or think they’re excuses, it’s the only facts we’ve got. Anything else are just assumptions, and you could drive yourself crazy going over them in your mind. That’s why I say all this isn’t worth it, and so much better to move on. Focusing on yourself❤️

[Asker]

In thin line between love and hate SHE TOLD HIM NOT TO PLAY HER! JUST LIKE I TOLD HIM! Don’t play with peoples feelings! He played her!

[Asker]

So he did want friends with benefits of fb …. Again still something I told him I didn't want day one. That’s not fair

It’s deceiving

[HollyK21]

I’m sure you also saw me write “of course there’s other elements to the situations in those movies but my point of reference is that this is the kind of crazy he’s talking about”.

No, I did not say he just wanted friends with benefits.

[HollyK21]

You want these men to love you through traumas you haven’t even addressed yet Chels. That’s what isn’t fair.

[Asker]

But you’re still not shining light on the fact that he wanted fwb….. the only reason he didn’t want it is because “I’m crazy “….

Please

Why did he still take me out for coffee.

[HollyK21]

How many days were you talking to him up until the date and then prior to it?

[Asker]

A week or 2…. And after the date I text him thanks… he said “thanks for coming out” I text him again.. nothing

Text him 3 times…. Then he finally responds 3 weeks later. He calls..

This nigga probably had a girl he was cheating on or he really just wanted sex… he never opened up to me or tried to tell me anything about him

[HollyK21]

Okay, I was just curious about the timeline of things. Mainly because you reiterate your confusion with why he didn’t just stop talking to you if he wasn’t feeling it (I worded that in my own way, it’s just the gist really). The thing is, he kinda did. If you had that date, then didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks until he finally responded to you reaching out, it’s like he was trying to cut ties but wanted to give you closure first. I think he said something along the lines of that as well, “I don’t like knowing that someone is upset with me” or whatever he said, I forgot the line.

We’d have to be saying that he should’ve left you alone directly after the phone call, but what if he was still interested at that point? Despite saying you “came off a tad unstable”, he may have still seen potential. Why? Because you’re a beautiful young woman and he’s an older, not so great looking guy.

I’d love for you to bounce back from this and level all the way up Chels. You said yourself he is not all that, if you could really internalize that fact and understand you were the prize and not him, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation lol you’d have moved on. You gotta get yourself up in that positive space though babe because you deserve it.

[Asker]

I think he stopped talking to me because of my looks. Maybe I look different from my pics. I don't know

He’s nice looking to me… he was very attractive in his younger days but I still think he’s attractive but he turns me on in other ways. He’s just irresistible maybe because he doesn’t want me… but I want a man who is the opposite of my dad.. I hate overly nice men.

I’m sure he has options or possibly a girlfriend…. I don't know. Whenever I asked him if he had a roster or when I tried to ask when he slept with someone he tries to avoid the question by asking another question or he just chuckled

Think about it…. If he still “liked” me and saw potential in me over the phone… what changed after the date … bc I didn’t show any signs of being “crazy “ over the date…

He wasn’t attracted to me.

But he’s possibly DL and you never properly address that issue even though we talked about it. If you have a problem with your fiancé doing that then wi should have a problem with him following her..

He’s attracted to her in some way

[HollyK21]

I doubt it was your looks, I just think it was a bad first impression in person, and a very awkward date. Ever wonder how people can talk online for months or be in full blown LDRs yet when they finally meet in person it’s a bad match? Chemistry in-person can be so different than what it was when your interactions were solely online.

It’s true, I don’t really address the trans woman thing but that’s because I just genuinely think it has no relevancy in this situation. We don’t know who that trans woman is or was to him. Like what if they were friends pre-transition? It’s as fair of an assumption as saying he’s possibly undercover.

[Asker]

Okay so I hope your fiancé follows a trans woman that posts full naked pics of her sucking men’s dick even if they are just friends. No real straight man is going to do that

His soulmate is probably a trans woman. Sorry to say

Ofc it’s awkward… he called me crazy and lowkey I didn’t feel the best about myself when he said certain things. I felt demeaned…. He’s tried to throw low insults my way numerous times and all I wanted was to be with him. I cared without knowing him.

[Asker]

But he’s not the first guy to “imply” that he thinks I’m crazy…. I’ve been called lonely, angry , insecure, crazy etc

I feel gaslit because I don’t understand why he get I was unstable… the only thing I was upset about is him not trying to get to know me after I said I wanted to take things slow.

But I’m so much more confident and witty though text than in person. More enjoyable

I’m very anxious and I’m not confident

[HollyK21]

Could you relax a little bit? You’re wishing these horrible things for me just because my opinion isn’t what you want it to be and that’s not fair at all. I don’t feel like the trans woman has anything to do with why you two didn’t work out, why is that so infuriating? I don’t know what about your interactions made him feel as though you were unstable, but it is what it is and that’s what he felt.

He didn’t get a chance to know the real you, and that’s unfortunate but if I were you I’d just say it’s HIS loss. Someone else is going to get to see how confident and witty you are, god just didn’t intend for it to be that man. If you trust his plan for your life then have confidence in this decision even if you don’t like it at all.

[Asker]

No not literally just giving you a glimpse of what I mean

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it in that way

[HollyK21]

It’s okay! I don’t take it personally babe I was just like why say things like that. I get how you’re feeling, it’s all love❤️

[Asker]

I mention the trans woman bc it may have something to do with why he’s not married by now

He just seems very sneaky

[HollyK21]

If he’s as busy as he claims then he probably spent too much of his life prioritizing his career and not relationships. I remember in my earlier 20s dating this Sudanese guy I met through a friend. Such a gentleman, very respectful, mature, great career, had all the qualities I wanted in a man yet we never locked it in. We always sort of stayed in contact for years, up until I got into this relationship. Now if I come across anything of his (usually through our mutual friend), he’s single, focused on work. I never quite understood, he may not ever settle down. He could have options, be married and all that yet isn’t. I guess some men are just that way.

[Asker]

But at 37….. it’s time…

[HollyK21]

That’s what you’d think fr! But hey everyone is different when it comes to priorities and what’s important. Some men, even women, prioritize their career so much that once they look back, they’ve missed so much in life. I have to wonder if they regret it.

[Asker]

I think it was an excuse tbh… a form of rejection

In the beginning he even said “you said you were protecting your emotional wellbeing being not that you didn’t want anything serious”

[Asker]

I’m so serious about being a sex symbol. God can give whoever he has for me to someone else.

[HollyK21]

It happens all the time babe, I just feel like you’re mind is set on him rejecting you based on your looks, even when he himself told you otherwise. To me, that’s just the worst thing to do because you’re already feeling so bad about yourself, this doesn’t help. Neither would being a sex symbol, but I can’t tell you what to do. I don’t understand how rather than solely focus on yourself, you still make men a focal point, despite everything. Validation and the male gaze matters more than finding a healthier way to feel confident, sexy and happy without any participation from them. You’re so sick of men that god can give your person to someone else, yet ready to degrade yourself for a man. I don’t think you know what you want, but it isn’t that. I really wish I could instill something powerful and positive in you, that you internalize and shows you that the better things are coming.

[Asker]

I know lol but how would I even accept the love of someone after years of feeling like I wasn’t good enough for it. Lol I just don’t feel I can love myself properly

I just don’t understand how I’m that bad that he dumped me after the date…

[HollyK21]

Think about it like this, you’ve spent your whole life becoming this person you are. That means all your traits, your mindset, how you think how you eat, everything has been acquired over yeaaars. So un-learning it won’t be an overnight thing. Not in a few months, not even a year. I’ve been on this journey for about 3-4 years now, trying to grow, correct how I think and what I do. I’ve cut people off, changed things, I’m still a work in progress.

I’ll be honest Chels sometimes talking to you feels like talking to my younger self lol there’s just so many things I wish you could already be on the other side of just to see the difference! But you gotta commit to the work and not fight yourself when you feel good or a bit better All those bad thoughts, like you don’t think you can love yourself properly or feel good enough, start reversing it. Don’t tell yourself that negative shit anymore, and correct yourself when it comes up. Starting small eventually transfers to bigger change.

Also, I don’t think you were so bad and that’s why he cut ties after the date. Even if you think it’s an excuse, he gave you his reason for it.

[Asker]

Tbh I just want to die

It’s whatever. Fuck him. Work on myself etc

Thank you holly❤️

[Asker]

And for the record men love crazy women I just wasn’t pretty enough or smarter

[HollyK21]

No you don’t! This too shall pass, there’s no other choice. You’ll be alright❤️

[Anonymous]

So did he take the deal?

[Asker]

He didn’t respond

But weeks later after my multiple attempts to reach out I asked if he weren’t attracted to me and he said “ I’m perfect, there’s nothing wrong with me “ ect… bs