Why am I still SINGLE despite putting myself out there?

Question

I've been single for 7.5 years now! I am beautiful with a good heart. In those 7 years I have barely dated anyone, I've met 2 guys in the past where we kind of dated, in the end it was either a situationship or friends with benefits those 2 relationships lasted less than 2 months. I've been off and on dating apps. I decided long ago that I would meet my next partner in person. I attend many events, I have a few friends, I volunteer. I look younger for my age. For the most part I'm slightly curvy, not obese not naturally slender. I'm baffled that I haven't met 1 guy that likes me as much as I like him and wants to date! I see other people who constantly have a rotation of dating people for 3-6-9 or 12 months and they are rarely single, having to suffer dry seasons for years on end!

I don't even try to pursue men either, I've asked men out and catch myself chasing unavailable men and stop immediately because I see the games and walk away. When I do go out, I've completely lost hope of even meeting a man that I can connect with as a friend and see what happens. I know many men find me attractive, yet they don't seem to have the courage to ask me out. I have an older friend late 40's she is always dating someone, she told me the key to having a man chase is not wanting them! Okay, I hate playing these dumb games, 1st off you must show some interest or green light to a guy so he does pursue you, then what go cold and distant. I work out and spend thousands of $ on gym memberships, I eat healthy. I'm active and meet new people all the time. I see men look at me, and flirt but yet not one man has actually approached me in the last 3 years and asked me out.

Even a friend on a hike asked if I ever dated anyone in the past 2 years or liked anyone, its as if I had no gossip of the men I dated. Another friend was shocked that men don't pursue me, she even told me that I am cute and many men should like me!

Saramad_Hill · Accepted Answer

I didn't get a date until I was twenty, and since then I've hardly been in any relationships either, with an amount of girlfriends I could count on a single hand. As for what you've said, it is probably not your fault. No one's perfect but I'm sure you bring what you can to the table. It's a product of the times.

Some people have no trouble landing dates, and I don't understand that either, being the introvert that I am.

It is 2024, third places are dying out, and everyone is chronically online, head buried in their phones, or at work. If they're not at work, they're at home. Sure, there's things you can do to increase your chances at landing a date, but it's the difference between a 2% chance and a 4% chance-- neither is as high as it used to be.

I'm not entirely sure how I'll end up, but right now it's not looking like I'll be married or in anything serious for awhile. It bothers me a bit, and all I can say is you're not alone. Between the internet, and the post-pandemic world, dating has been changed drastically.

I will say, your looks may help you, but when there's no one even outside to even look at you, what's the point?

You may find someone eventually, or even soon. But until then, I would say you may want to find a way to be content without a partner. Devote yourself to a hobby or something to keep yourself occupied. It's a lonely existence when you look away from the screen.

Again, I have no doubt you've tried what you can, visiting places or trying online things. It is, without a doubt, just plain harder now.

Speaking of online dating-- it can work but it sucks in an entirely different way. I'd much prefer to meet someone organically as well, I just hold no illusions about it, and may need to come to terms with the chance I may die alone someday. My parents would probably want grandkids, but they don't push for it, thankfully.

I wish I had better advice, but this is definitely just something I can only shrug my shoulders at with a frown on my face.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Woah girl, that's a lot to unpack. First off, don't be so hard on yourself - it takes two to tango, and meeting the right person is never a guarantee. Comparisons won't do you any good either - everyone's journey is different.

That said, a few things I noticed that might be subtly working against you:

- You seem a bit desperate to be with someone, anyone. Guys can sense that easy and it's not attractive. Act like you've got options even if you don't - fake it til you make it!

- Waiting around for guys to come to you isn't gonna cut it these days. Sometimes you gotta put yourself out there and make the first move. Shoot your shot!

- Playing games and being aloof is lame, but a little mystery keeps 'em on their toes. Open up gradually instead of all at once.

- Focus on YOUR interests and happiness, not just finding a guy. People are drawn to passionate, self-assured peeps.

Overall just try enjoying life without stressing so much over your relationship status. Keep putting yourself out there socially in a low-key way. Your person will come, but in the meantime build up your confidence and independence. Hope this gives you another perspective - you got this!

Boomchakalaca · Accepted Answer

Personality?  How many guys u slept with? Ur attire? Resting bitch face/unapproachable? Or people may just assume u r already taken cuz ur attractive?

laurieluvsit · Accepted Answer

It is a well kept secret, but no more. Your troubles are over :)

XXTruthfulOgrexx · Answer

Everything you described about yourself means exactly shit. Why?

The world is full of attractive women that easily meet those standards. But the overall truth is they aren't a good choice for relationship partners.

While you maybe very attractive, you aren't putting out the right signals that you are a great choice to be a dating option. I would also bet you have guys hanging around that might be a great choice, but they are missing some esoteric trait you want so you've overlooked them entirely.

I suggest you take a huge step back and take a critical look at what you are actually offering as a romantic partner. Are you "bringing to the table" the partner guys want and are looking for? or us the persona your putting out publicly actually turning away possible suitors? Are you perhaps ignoring or overlooking guys?

I saw a study recently. Men were asked in a poll if they would seek a relationship with someone who offered 80% if what they sought in a partner and the overall response was "yes!!! she's a catch!!@" but when the same poll was asked of women, the response was "hell no, that's settling and I refuse to settle ". This speaks volumes to the current dating dynamic.

Now these women rotating these short relationships, don't realize it, but they are only being used temporarily by these men for sexual gratification. They are not truly in a committed relationship. You can easily find guys for such hookups but is that truly what you want and seek?

CalmUntilAbused · Answer

Well... If all the data You provided was correct, the only explanation would be that You live in a neighborhood filled with MGTOW, and that's... unlikely, to say the least. If there were so many MGTOW members that even a single whole neighborhood could be filled with only them, the "modern" Western societies would be collapsing much faster. Now... I kind of believe You on that "good heart" part, since You claim to "hate playing these dumb games" and You're apparently capable of explaining Your thought/emotion process behind that. Then, the next likely option is that You're living among porn addicts whose expectations of women regarding their looks are so overblown that no real, natural woman could satisfy them. While this would be sad, with enough determination, You can break through such a crisis, at least locally, for Your own benefit.

Now... The situationship and the friends with benefits might pull You down, as while it's pretty unrealistic to expect a girl above the age of 16 to be a virgin in this day and age, when it's not the case, it's still a pretty big turn off. However, if You're not sharing this information with all Your acquaintances and You are as pure-hearted as You can be with the "experience" You have... You can definitely break through most of men's walls. Oh, and back to "not playing the stupid games" - You should not appear desperate, either. While it's good that You don't play with men's feelings (yes, we men do have feelings), You need to build up Your own self-confidence, as desperate people are unfortunately commonly deemed worthless by the society.

HawkPerception · Answer

I'm just ballparking here, but your standards might be too high? Also you can't wait for men to chase you. You need to take life into your own hands. In current Japanese culture, women are usually the initiators because sadly... that's the way society is at the moment. It's created an environment where men don't feel comfortable approaching women. I mentioned Japan because society tends to follow certain patterns and western society seems to be following that.

Also you mentioned that you immediately stop talking to men that you notice are trying to play the game. I understand that, but have you also maybe noticed those tend to be the men that you're attracted and start talking to?

DarkLegacy · Answer

Im guessing you are too selective or perhaps now you have hit the wall you are trying to get with the type of guys you either rejected or ignored earlier on in life. You now think you can have them and they are making sure they get their fair share of women in their prime like me. Just because some friends say you are cute does not mean anything.

You said you are not pursuing men but then say you are putting yourself out there. Your friends you say that are getting guys are just riding the cock carousel or just getting used for sex. And you are right about playing games, i find it ridiculous that your friend in her late 40s is playing kids games.

Lol, what a waste of money to actually spend thousands on gym membership. You literally must have money to burn. The fact that no guy has approached you in 3 years speaks volumes.

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I find people are being way too selective on the appearance part and no time is spent on getting to know the person.

I'm not saying try people you feel are unattractive, I'm saying go out with a guy that may be a 7 or an 8 in your books (looks-wise) and perhaps you'll find out his personality and how much respect/care he gives you makes him a 9 or 10.

jshm2 · Answer

Because you are insecure and not really relationship material.

You read to be a decent person, but you just come across as a "friend, but never the bride" type. May be the cat lady lifestyle is for you. You seem very passive, and it's your personality more than anything else that is the issue, it seems.

Maybe try a matchmaker service.

DextroShade · Answer

At your age you can find a man but you  will have to settle.  The men available to you won't be rich, won't be chiseled, and won't give you the tingles right away. Forget about finding Prince Charming, that ship sailed over a decade ago. They will be average men, 5'9" making ~$50K a year and they will be older than you. Remember that they will also be settling for you. Also, don't take advice from other women because it is shit.

Madlc · Answer

I have been single most of my life.

I personally believe that some people aren’t meant to be with someone not because they are ugly or have a bad personality , it’s just their personality isn’t appealing enough to be with someone.

It’s not bad personality but it’s just personality that doesn’t suit anyone on a deeper level.

I don’t know you personally to judge but if you can relate to this then my advice is to start thinking about the upper side of living alone and not needing anyone in your life.

because honestly there wouldn’t be any chance to be with someone.

msc545 · Answer

Most men no longer approach women; it is too dangerous for us. False accusations and Metoo made that happen.

If you want a date, first of all don't be so selective. Try to approach a man you are NOT all that attracted to for a change. Second, approach gently because it is very likely that he won't trust you. Third, be a friend first.

Anonymous · Answer

It sounds like all of your friends are also in situation-ships or friends with benefits. I don't see any mention of marriage or children. I wouldn't judge anything from seeing them with partners or always dating. It means nothing. I also see no mention of God or the Holy Kingdom. That is the only way of finding a decent person.

SotiCoto · Answer

Someone describing themselves as  "beautiful with a good heart"  generally suggests they're a narcissist. In any case, judging by what you're writing... you're still single because you overestimate your own worth, are overly critical of men, and passively expect them to do the work.

Goahead76 · Answer

Well so the number of men who have walked away from dating & relationships is somewhere around 63-74%. So that doesn't leave a lot of guys left. I mean it's strictly a numbers issue, there just aren't many left who are willing or interested.

LiamJHayden · Answer

I have little problem when I want to date, but my preferences are pretty open. I know a lot of people who barely date, but they could if they'd open their nets a bit more.

gorydetails · Answer

How many guys have you friend zoned over those past 7.5 years?

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Where do you live? That may make a big difference in how to proceed.

Anonymous · Answer

Well the whole friends with benefits. Look men are either perverted pigs or a genuine upstanding guy. They don’t want women who are having causal relationships.

Shy_Steve · Answer

I think that most of us Singles are afraid to put ourselves out there, But I think us Single Guys are doing it the most I think.

VV3ZZY123 · Answer

I feel like that too. a lot of people are addicted to technology these days.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

A). You only see/want Giga Chads. B) 90% of men are invisible to you.

Why am I still SINGLE despite putting myself out there?

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