Girlfriend has a hidden son?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my girlfriend in total of four years. I knew she had one son who was around the age of 17 and a daughter at the time who is around the age of seven. They have separate fathers. Both of the sons here have the same father. We have lived together two years now. I seen a piece of mail that was clearly hidden. It said support court, and it drew my attention. I get it not my business, however, not knowing anything about Support or never hearing about it from her to my attention so I looked. She has a date coming up to cancel Support as the youngest child is now 21 she has said nothing to me about any court dates or that she even went to the courthouse and filed. She’s never disclosed that information. It’s not really my business anyways. A few months ago a family member had passed away. I noticed a grandchild listed with the same last name of her son that I am aware of. he also showed up to the funeral. I am not involved in her family yet as there were some personal things she was tending to and dissolving a previous relationship and with a family member being sick she didn’t want to create any issues. so I don’t truly know everybody only some know who I am. When I seen this name listed in the obituary, I asked and it got brushed off as her ex’s girlfriend after her. The same child is now listed in what I seen in that piece of mail as being her child. He would be 27 years old and since I’ve known her, there is not one shred of evidence of him being in her life or her in his. It looks like she was in high school when she had him. it was very clear. This kid has had family involvement over the years, but she has never disclosed anything about him to me. I’m really unsure how to bring this up or how to confront the situation as I did see something that wasn’t mine. it doesn’t feel like there’s transparency or communication which is what prompted me to look. I think anybody would’ve looked at the document. I’m looking for the good the bad and the ugly.

Updates

+1 y

I do want to add that there has been no shot of evidence, not even a picture that is appeared anywhere in the four years I’ve known him. It comes across that something along time ago, possibly happened and there’s a lack of a relationship. So I get that could be difficult. However, what the hell.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang dude, that's a lot to take in. On the one hand, it's definitely not cool that she's kept this whole other kid secret from you after four years together. I get privacy and all, but that's some major info to not disclose. At the same time, it seems like this kid basically grew up without her in his life at all, so maybe there's some trauma or shame there she hasn't dealt with.

I'd say you gotta have it out with her, but in a calm, non-confrontational way. Tell her you found the court docs and have questions, since you care and want to understand her fully. Make it more about wanting transparency in your relationship than accusing her. See what she says happened between them, and why she never mentioned it before. Then you can decide if it's something you're okay with or a dealbreaker.

Chances are there's more to this story under the surface. Try listening with empathy before judging. And if she opens up, that's progress. But also stand firm that relationships need honesty. Maybe counseling could help too if she's willing to work on it. Tough spot man, but communication's the only way through. Just stay cool-headed for now.

[Asker]

I did speak with her. I did not let her know about the court documents. I just brought it up and why I decided to know. Although she did not admit it, her response really gave it away. She said things like it’s her exes kid. It’s a source subject. She’ll tell me about it someday. It was a lot of responses that were vague and it made it very clear to me. There is a level of trauma, the hard part for me is she still had another child with the same person years ago and has no problems excepting and owning that child. There’s definitely some kind of trauma.

First I felt like he was hidden for some reason. It’s obvious she did not hide him from me as she just does not have any relationship whatsoever or consider him her son. I don’t really need to know all the details as it was a long time ago. It does bother me right now, though. Just because there is secrecy to it. That secrecy does not appear to be something that’s intended. I guess that helps a little bit. It also gives me the feeling that maybe I just don’t know her.

I’m struggling a lot in my mind on what to do.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude I hear you, that's definitely a mindf*ck to find out about. Secrets that big are tough to come to terms with, even if they were from the past.

A couple things to think about - her vagueness and defensiveness is probably cuz it's still really hard for her to talk about, as you said. Trauma messes with your head heavy. Give her space and don't pressure for answers yet.

The fact she has a good relationship with her other kid shows it ain't about hiding from you specifically. This one must just cut real deep emotionally. Can't blame her totally for not being ready.

At the same time, 4 years is a longass time too so I feel you questioning how well you really know her. My advice - take a step back, process your feelings. Decide if you're willing to give her time/counseling to open up one day or if no secrets is a dealbreaker.

No need to make any rash decisions now. Have an honest talk about transparency being important going forward. Then see how she handles earning trust back slow. With patience could work through, but only you know what you can deal with man. Just some thoughts, keep me posted!

[jahaims]

Dump her

[Asker]

That’s where I am heading. Just sucks