Why does this guy want to be friends?

[Megpie3387]

I met this guy at a Lock and Key event and we had dinner together and then we exchanged phone numbers. We texted a bunch and we have many interests in common and he seemed really interested in getting to know me. He told me how glad he was that he found such a cute and cool girl to go out with and that he had gone to several events before and never connected with anyone there before.

We planned to spend the day together in the city (I'm from a small town about an hour away) however my car broke down on the highway. The Guy picks me up and insists on paying for the tow and still takes me to dinner afterwards. The conversation was great he laughed at all my jokes, we had a great time. After dinner he drove me home and held my hand in the car. When we got to my home, we kissed and he said he'd contacted me the next day.

However, the next day I get a text from him saying that he's not ready for a relationship and understands if I want to just cut my losses, but that he still would like to be friends because he thinks I'm really fun and cool.

I don't understand. Why would a guy do all this for a girl and then just decide not to date her? Why when he was previously so keen on getting together would he just "friend zone" her? He did mentioned he has ASD and sensory issues and hasn't dated in a while, I don't know if this contributed somehow to his decision. But we met at a DATING event why would a guy go to one if he wasn't serious about dating? My brother thinks I should just give it time and let him get to know me and then see if he makes a move. What should I do?

[Finchie40]

Sadly most guys’ today are scared of relationships and don’t want to jump into a relationship with a girl right away , mainly because they probably been heart broken by another girl previously to meeting you , they have a hard time trusting , so they prefer to be friends until they really get to know her before making a decision of commitment. I am this way as well , because I had my heart shit on a handful of times from girls ‘ that told me they wanted a relationship with me and that they only wanted me , told me she was loyal and faithful and the lie detector test determined that was a lie , after the infatuation period ran it’s course and she decided to be selfish and no longer cared about the commitment she chose to be in with me. So I no longer rush onto relationships with girls ‘ mainly for this reason , I prefer having a FWB’s relationship with a girl first with some strings attached , to give us both time to really get to know each other to make sure we are both in it for the long haul and not the short haul , or it could be that the only reason he decided to be friends with you instead , is because he might be lying to you about him being single , he might be with another girl that he is keeping on the back burner basically, and realized he still has feelings for her , so he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression. So that could be the reason as well. So it’s up to you what you decide to do , why it’s best to take things slow

[BetaBucks]

Maybe he met someone else and doesn't want to play you? Maybe he decided that something about you was undesirable? Maybe he found out something bad about you or your past? Maybe he freaked out about his feelings towards you and made a defensive move to protect himself? Maybe he was cheating and got caught? Maybe he found out he has an STD? The point is that I'll never know, but if you talk with him and ask if there was anything that turned him away, you would really appreciate it if he would be honest with you about it. Otherwise, sure, give him time. Maybe he will come around when he gets his bearings. Hard to know though.

[Radiate143]

So, he isn't dating only you and he wants to keep you at arms length in case the other thing doesn't work out. He likes you but wasn't blown away but still wants to make sure he doesn't lose total access. I suggest you do the same. 💅🏽

[Radiate143]

Guys lkke to act lkke they are already all in to see your reaction and then judge. It's like stress testing. There is pretty much no emotion involved.

[Megpie3387]

So is that the normal thing people do? I just started dating after years of being widowed and have never dated around like that. I guess it's fair we only had two dates and we never said we were exclusive... I guess it would make sense to say "let's just be friends" if he's got someone on the side he might like better. He did seem a lot more on the level than most men I meet though. 🤷🏼‍♀️😮‍💨

[Radiate143]

Oh girl its horrible now. You need to get up on game before you go back out there. Or else, you're gonna get torn apart.

[DishLady]

Presumably he saw something he doesn’t like since he out in the effort.

[Twalli]

He probably thought he was ready to date. Yet he was never in a position to actually date someone from those events before, so ge couldn't know.
As someone with high functioning ASD and minor sensory issues I can tell. you we don't make strong connections easily or make them far too easily. Judging by his decision he falls in the former camp. He likes you and finds you attractive, he wouldn't lie about it. However, if he's looking for a long-term partner, he won't rush into a relationship.
Be his friend, even if nothing happens, you have a loyal friend. We are extremely loyal people, and we don't lie.

[Megpie3387]

I like the guy but he's throwing me through a loop. He's soft spoken, polite and did treat me very well. I got the impression that he hadn't had much luck dating either and was happy to finally make a connection. It would be wonderful to have him as a friend, however I would find it difficult to just be friends with a man I'm physically attracted to. I'm really just worried if I ask him what changed his mind he'd just withdraw more or ghost me. We've been in contact and he's responsive, but he doesn't typically reach out to me first... is that a bad sign? He says he's really busy with school, I don't know. Is there anything you can tell me about ADS and sensory issues that could help me be more considerate and accommodating towards him? We've talked about him visiting me in my hometown and I'm hoping to see him this Saturday.

[Twalli]

1) Most guys ts don't imitate texts much. I have done it maybe 3 times in my 6byears with my girlfriend
2) It's nit uncommon for ASD guys to have 5 or fewer romantic relationships their entire life. I didn't have a single date untul. I was 27.
3) You are both physically attracted towards each other. The difference is you know this. My girlfriend and I were friends and physically attracted towards each other, although we didn't know at the time. It can work, and relationships that spring from friendships are stronger.
4) Sensory issues are difficult, because they manifest in different ways. Temple Grandin developed a hugging machine, because she needed a very specific pressure for physical contact. Some people need a lot of contact, while others need very little (they can't cope with more or less than they need, it's not a preference). It can also be sounds, light, sensations, or other things. For example, I have trouble driving due to sensory overload. I can feel the engine, my hands on the wheel, thr air conditioner/heat. There's too much for me to concentrate on driving, plus I can't tell the speed, so I keep having to check the speedometer.
There are a lot of anecdotal examples and all are different, so you'll have to ask him to find out. He's probably also pattern oriented, pedantic, and possibly didactic, so be forewarned if he comes off like that. Sometimes a conversation with uses more like we're talking at you.

[exitseven]

is this a lock and key event?

[Megpie3387]

It's a dating event you pay to attend. All the women are giving a 🔒 and the guy's are given a 🗝️
You go around introducing yourself while trying to unlock the locks. If you find your match you get a new lock and key and you're both given tickets for a raffle each time you get unlocked. It's a nicer atmosphere than plain old speed dating.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the information. That actually sounds like fun. They did not have that when I was a kid

[SotiCoto]

He wasn't planning to let you down. Something happened which changed his mind. Ergo the sharp change in attitude.
You could ask him to at least explain to you what caused his attitude shift.

[RHK36]

It doesn't matter why, he clearly isn't it. Move on and don't get more attached than you already are. If anything that's a red flag, so pay attention and move on.

[Megpie3387]

Do you think it's even worth asking him what went wrong? Do guys ever change their mind about girls they friend zone?

[RHK36]

No it's never worth it. Guys are pretty practical and know right away if they want someone for something serious. He might try friends with benefits, but he'll never take you serious just maybe make you think he will.

[JTinSC1981]

Most people in the dating game these days, girls and guys, are complete flakes. Move on to a guy who wants you.

[Nikki1989]

I don't understand what the confusion is here. What is wrong with having male friends. Almost all of my friends are guys.

[loveladies1]

Be his friend and give him some time. Maybe he is still getting over something. He may have been hurt by someone in the past and he got a case of cold feet.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure something must’ve happened for him to say that all of a sudden you’re gonna have to ask him most guys want more than friendship, especially when they’re attracted to the girl

[Megpie3387]

It's weird because I've never encountered this before. I've gone through the entire scenario with multiple friends both men and women and nobody seems to think I did anything inappropriate to put him off. We're relatively equal in attractiveness, intellect, and have a lot of hobbies and interests in common. I was taken off guard because he gave no indication up until that text that he was irritated with me or had lost interest or attraction. He was a perfect gentleman and we got along well. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Opinion Owner]

it is very weird. Try to reach out to him. Shame on him for being an A hole

[MrDaveAPSI]

I kissed a girl, and now she basically wants nothing to do with me. Why, I don't know. She's just being a bitch

My suggestion? Move on!

[MacDaddyRico]

Give him time, he seems like a really nice dude.
How many others would have helped you out like that?

[Anonymous]

He drunk dialed or got drunk dialed by an ex or current girlfriend. Who's to tell? Who cares.

[Anonymous]

Because that's what normal people do. They be friends with people. Unfortunately you're a 37 year old left over with no friends, no kids and no husband to understand what friendships are

[Megpie3387]

Seriously! Fuck you! I have plenty of friends! People don't go to dating events to find friends! I don't have a husband because I was WIDOWED you insensitive nutsack! Why don't you go back to doing your only fans!

[Opinion Owner]

Lies

[Staximus]

What's the rush?

[Staximus]

You hung out with him one time. Take some time to get to know him and don't rush into a relationship

[In_Trance]

Because he wants the chance to rail you