How come my friend doesn’t see how mean she is?

[Anonymous]

She’s not mean to me or to any of her friends, but she’s mean to guys who show interest in her. She’s still really pretty and turns a lot of heads, but she’s also 40 and single. And instead of showing compassion to men who are nervous trying to talk to her, she gets really mean to them. Perfect example: she meets a guy on match. Nice guy, good looking, our age, 6 feet tall, has a good job, does charity work and is a volunteer firefighter, but he’s very nervous talking to her (because she’s pretty) and he comes on really strong. He tells her she’s the prettiest woman he’s ever seen, he hasn’t met her yet but knows he wants her, etc. Her response: “Yes, I get it! You like the way I look! Can we move on to the next subject and at least go on a date before you start getting mushy?” I thought that was mean. I don't know, I guess because I’ve always been a bit of a mush myself, but I think it’s cute and sweet when guys get mushy and romantic up front. I love it, and when guys come on strong I try to see it like he’s really interested and he’s just nervous. So today I was giving her dating advice (which she never seems to want) and I told her she’s mean to everyone (not to attack her, just to give constructive criticism) and she got defensive, said “I’M NOT MEAN. I JUST DON’T LIKE GUYS COMING ON TOO STRONG!” and stormed away. I tried calling her and she isn’t answering me. Why is she mad when I’m only trying to help? I love her to death and don’t want to see her lonely and bitter, and I’m afraid that’s what’s going to happen if she doesn’t show more compassion to the men trying to date her. Am I wrong?

[dustybiker2]

I only read the first few lines of this. So excuse me if I get off point.
I had a friend like this. It's defensive behavior. my friend had been hurt badly by men in the past and refuses to let go of the baggage and allow new men (any nee men who cross her path) the opportunity for a fresh try. People reach that point and sort of break.
I remember being outside of her house once chatting before leaving. A FedEx guy arrived in a rental company truck. He smiled warmly as he approached.
She snapped at him "Who are you?" A split second after I teased him "We'd like to see a legitimate form of identification, please." Even though he was in a FedEx uniform.
He had started smiling at my humor and it flashed off as he looked at my friend in shock at such contracting greeting.
My friend went quiet, probably feeling some level of guilt.
He decided to ignore her and looked at me, though stoic then. I gave him a sympathetic look.
He just said "My truck broke down."
I told him to stay safe out there.
My friend jumped into a new subject but she knew I was disappointed in her. That was awful and so unnecessary. Embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

You haven’t told us anything else about her aside from her looks, age and relationship status. You say she’s good looking, and guys are nervous talking to her because she’s good looking. She knows she’s pretty, because that’s all she ever hears. I get the feeling, based on her response to the guy you mentioned, that she believes that her appearance is the only thing people notice about her. Her attitude may be more of a defense mechanism or just general frustration.

[ProbablyClueless]

She knows she's being mean, she just doesn't care because her behavior is some kind of defense mechanism response.

She's subconsciously trying to push people away before they can hurt her.

[BetaBucks]

Sounds like a defense mechanism to me. Or maybe she gets off on being mean to people because it makes her feel powerful.

[Asker]

Thank you. She struggles with a mild form of PTSD so the defense mechanism makes a lot of sense

[jahaims]

She lacks introspection