Are men more selfish or women?

[Telekinetic-Potato]

A woman was telling me today while we were talking about dating for fun as opposed for long term reasons that she knows a man is on the verge of figuring out women when she sees that he can’t fall in love but can’t come to terms with the reason why.

Which confused the hell out of me because I couldn’t tell if she meant what it sounded like she meant.

[Rosexøxø]

I didn’t get the whole thing, but I’ll say this: anyone is selfish where they’re deprived and feel they can’t ask for it.

Some women are known to be selfish financially and such (but men aren’t excluded). Homeless people come in all shapes and sizes- and GENDERS.

But I’ll add:

Some men are selfish as well, in the sexual realm. Hence r*pe. There was a desire there and deprivation for whatever reason, and so they take matters into own hands in a very wrongful manner. They can violate any person and any animal and anything if they’re deprived and don’t know how to cope or seek alternatives.

These are just my examples. And there have been some rare cases and accounts of women doing the same usually to children than men unless he was somehow incompetent.

Simply stated: People can resort to selfishness- when deprived.

Also just examining your question and it makes me think, it’s very possible men who accuse women of certain things misread situations and only project their mentalities in trying to understand. Which is sad,

Hence why some women hypothesize a struggle of a man and give it very emotional traits while men on the other hand can try to understand the disagreement or unfairness of a lady and attribute it to cruelty and evil.

Maybe men are simply hypothesizing and illuminating their own ways and mentalities.

If it’s so strategic and telling, maybe it shows that’s how a man would operate in such situation. Men and women many times do think differently. They can only go so far in trying to understand in their own way of thinking. At most they can understand only aspects that compliments their way of thinking.

i. e. a woman only noticing the absence or presence of compassion or understanding, and a man only noticing the absence or presence of loyalty, and maybe respect.

Sure, there can be exceptions, and variations for each individual’s individualistic STYLE/ METHOD of thinking.

I think that’s very interesting.

I noted this only cause you seem very transactional in your ways and a bit direct which could be perceived as aggression, and yet, you question her for some type of selfish behavior otherwise if she were a man it would be something tactful, and I think you thinking on this in private without discussing with her and then relaying this info on a brainstorm site, simply shows you were thinking in a tactful manner. Maybe you didn’t expect it from a woman, and so you became dissatisfied. I certainly don’t hear many women talk like her in the context, so I’m surprised but I can admire a woman who thinks tactfully or strategically. At the same time it may not benefit her in the long run of intimacy and vulnerability exchanges. Or maybe it would have to come with time, trust, and respect. The way to make business partners or soldiers, would. Slow to reveal and yet possibly loyal to the end.

As the saying (somewhat) goes: when one [of your] finger ([s]) points at them, two fingers point at you.

And-

It takes one, to know one.

Maybe you projected your own way of thinking onto her, or in another instance, closer to your own guessing, you identified a shared method of thinking with her.

Could discuss it, could guess, could wait with time to be more friendlier. 🤷‍♀️

Best to you both, the same.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I didn’t know I came across as transactional. But I’ve definitely been told that my directness can come across as aggressive.

This woman is a friend who works with me sometimes. I think the best way to describe her is she’s a sweet person on the inside who had a very fucked up time becoming successful and as a result she’s very introspective about relationships. Which I guess is one of the biggest things we have in common. We’re both self described optimistic realists. Which probably most businesspeople are. She is incredibly smart.

I guess where I’m projecting is that I think a lot of woman mask their transactional nature by any means necessary, even if it means losing to themselves. Not because they’re evil though.

This woman’s opinion on the topic is interesting to me because she’s comfortable being tactful and strategic. So in my eyes she’s largely bypassed the lying to herself aspect. Maybe.

She doesn’t want to be lonely but she also doesn’t seem to really date for love. She kinda picks guys she thinks are fun knowing it’s only going to be temporary and then usually the guy gets needy or does something wrong or can’t keep up with her in some way so she drops them.

This particular guy she described as a good looking womanizer with a good income and whatnot but he’s “nice” and unaware.

And I think what she’s trying to say is that someone like that spends their lives trying to sleep with women, learns about them and eventually comes face to face with realities that have profound impact on how he as a man views what woman actually want out of a romantic relationship. And the insinuation is that it’s a harsh enough reality that she thinks you would subconsciously understand this before consciously being able to.

[Bethany22]

Maybe you could clarify the conversation you had, as I don't quite follow. But I'd say that men are more empathetic than women in the sense that they get complete emotional fulfillment out of being helpful to others, whereas women are only helpful because they expect that the other person will pay them back in return by intuitively knowing how to meet their emotional needs. Like generally speaking, the more you see a woman being extremely helpful, the more that means she's expecting the other person to realize how much she's giving and then to tell her that she's doing too much, and start pampering her instead.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Well after reading this I feel a little more confident thinking that she was trying to say that a man expects a woman’s love to be selfless or for her fulfillment to come from the happiness of her man. But in reality woman are far more transactional. Even if they’re not necessarily keeping score. Every single thing they do they expect a return on their investment and if it doesn’t work out that way then their attraction to them is harder to fake.

In other words love might not be the same thing to women that it is to men. Which would be pretty depressing if that were true. I’d have to really think back on my past experiences though. That’s hard to wrap my head around.

[Rosexøxø]

Women see themselves as having more risk and little that they own.

If you look in older times men did the same. I reference the ancient men whether made up or not in the Bible and anywhere else- if a man had only one horse to his name and lended it to a neighbor, ally, or friend, he’d expect it back in certain timing or some type of repay for his kindness and token of friendship. In the Bible kings were always giving many goods and the finest of their splendors/loot to their allies and getting some others in return.

Food items, sometimes soldiers (I believe), cattle for sure, and sometimes servants or concubines.

This was a display of friendship loyalty and support. Everyone needs support in hard times.

Women naturally own less to their name and person in this world. So that being so- they have more risk and would expect SOMETHING in return than nothing at all. I would ask you on any lady’s behalf that gives without question of return by any means: is it right she gives and gives all she has and gets nothing In return? Is it fair to her?

I choose to answer and say no it’s not. Some women are VERY generous. My mom for example and my younger self. So generous I’ll share one piece of an old memory: I once handed out pieces of my brand new gum, that hit the market, and my first pack of my own- to classmates in my class who never really spoke to me, and others who only spoke once in a while.

[Rosexøxø]

Everyone had found out, and some came back asking for more pieces. Two or three. “For a cousin.” For a “sister.”

Made up things.

Long story short: at the end one of the same kids asked for another piece, and I reached in only to feel the bottom of the pack and the paper. Nothing left! I had never even tried any of it- myself, and it was MY GUM. Not theirs.

Not only was I embarrassed in the moment not having anything to offer him, but I felt sadness and ANGER that I had nothing for myself. 🤷‍♀️

Later I told my brother and he told me, always set some aside for yourself. It’s nice to give, but set some aside for yourself FIRST.

This is an example why we can’t give our ALL to everyone. I never received anything back not even a friendship from those kids. It didn’t have to be gum.

But EVERYONE should be givers in the name of love. If there are only givers and takers in this world. Some givers may luck out and be unhappy ending up with nothing, no one, and no support.

So I say if a person wants to ensure they receive something in return at least later or in some way or form. There’s nothing wrong. Especially if they have little out to begin with.

Why would women give their all and end up with nothing? It wouldn’t be right or fair. So they have to lend their own, with conscience, knowledge of consequence, and some idea of what could be given in return.

It’s good to love others, but having some fraction of self love is also majorly important.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

@Rosexøxø there’s truth to what you’re saying. But this is all in the context of a relationship. If the woman is prone to seeing the transaction like any other, one where the person she gives to and her receiving something are two different things. As opposed to seeing something good for her partner as something good for her, that’s disheartening.

I viewed all my relationships as us being one unit. One person incomplete without the other constantly looking out for the best interest of both.

If one person is afraid of being left with an empty pack and becomes angered at the thought, it’s hard for me to imagine being in a relationship with such a person without every action feeling dishonest and empty.

[Rosexøxø]

Mm Yk I would say this is technical stuff. I see your point and I just have to add I think overall a lady to feel for a man would have to be friends with him. On some degree. I don’t know why men don’t like the friend zone. Maybe they don’t want to view her as his friend cause that could be gay to the hetero male, but it has to be realized that a lady is brought up looking out for her friends which are girls and her family. Why would she look out for someone who wasn’t a friend? So he HAS to be somewhat of a friend to her so she can feel need to look out for him and be close to him. Aka loyal.

But for men friendship is different and they wouldn’t probably want to go on wild adventures or something with her because she’d be something or someone he’d have to look out for instead of getting into trouble with.

He shouldn’t have to be like a female friend to a female doing nails together and all, but it is possible- some couples do face masks together and watch movies while cuddling. Her foreplay is probably going to be the trust of a friend than touching erogenous zones and flirtation.

That would have to be a lady who is more sexual with males in nature or aware of her sexual side I do suppose.

I would say between partners (in name of love or sexuality) it could be transactional but different. It’s all T & C you wouldn’t just have any girl right? You choose her for a certain reason and maybe expect sexuality in return. She may choose you for a certain reason and expect something else in return.

I think you caring about both members in previous relationships, while making decisions was a good trait to have, and it definitely works when the female does have feelings and cares about the male in question/ or you in that scenario.

It definitely doesn’t work if she has ZERO feelings for you/him. Cause he probably wants her to feel for him as he does for her.

It’s only natural in an intimate relationship of any kind.

[Rosexøxø]

I think if there’s no feeling between the two or it’s one sided and she’s not feeling it- it’s definitely a possibility she isn’t getting what she wanted out of the relationship. She probably didn’t want him sexually. She probably wanted a type of affection, a type of relatability, a type of respect, or a type of safety.

There has to be a mutual or complimentary bond.

[Rosexøxø]

Maybe you bonded to her/ or them cause they became sexual with you and only you, but maybe they didn’t bond and decided to use it as a transactional thing. Give you sex or sexual loyalty (but could be rare) and hopefully they get something they need or want in return even if it’s not bonding material.

It’s just super important you both bond. If anything is one sided, anyone has the sad potential chance of being “used.”

It’s more usage if one remains emotionless and the other is emotionally charged and genuine.

It feels like a lie then.

[Rosexøxø]

Super important to BOND.

If there’s no bonding they may not just leave and will see what they can get. Not everyone does this but again, I wouldn’t be surprised a good handful of women AND men do that. I’ve definitely seen it on both sides.

Like I could even show a video where guys and girls were speed dating on looks (on yt) and when they didn’t get the lady or man they wanted, they’d settle for something else they didn’t want and had passed up. People can be very transactional…. It’s crazy. And something to be careful about cause it’s very in-genuine but still foundationally reliable at times 🤷‍♀️.

friends with benefits is transactional but at least both sides know and they agree to that. It’s bad when one person doesn’t know they’re in a transactional relationship.

[paledreams]

Women. 100 percent.
And I'm not anti women, I'm all for the equal opportunities , modern day standards.
Im just answering

[DarkLegacy]

This is a no brainer. it is women all the way but you will struggle to find women that will say that. They like to manipulate

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Guys will manipulate too. I’ve seen guys do some pretty fucked up shit just to get laid lol

[Nikki1989]

It has nothing to do with gender. It is more of a reflection on how they were raised.

[Billlewis]

No, but it's awfully close.

[Billlewis]

I think women are, but only by a millimeter.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Lmao 😂 maybe

[Billlewis]

But they should be selfish. Selfishness is actually one of the qualities I look for in a woman whom I'm interested in dating. It's one of those things that you don't want too much of, but you have to have some, otherwise, in my case at least, the relationship is unlikely to flourish.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I never heard that before. Why don’t say that?

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Do*.

[Billlewis]

Because in the same way a nice guy is a turnoff to most women, so too is a nice girl.

[Billlewis]

Mean women get paid and nice girls get played. I wish it wasn't that way, but that's the world we live in.