How can I help my relationship?

Question

I'm going through a lot at home (no dad mom and sister got into a fight and kicked her out plus more) and I can't be sexual or intimate with my boyfriend and I feel like shit but I just can't handle it even kisses make me feel overwhelmed. I've tried to not let it seep in but it seems to be and it seems to be going from bad to worse. First it was yelling but I stopped that after the first time and today it was outburst and I think it's just time to go silent but then I'm lacking communication but regardless of how I try to communicate it ends in me snapping or pushing him away telling him not to worry. I just really don't know what to do now

CallyKat89 · Accepted Answer

Let me start this by saying that I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Take everything I say with a grain of salt and please don’t feel obligated to correct me on my assumptions or even reply. This is just food for thought.

That being said, sex in the grand scheme of things, is not a requirement in relationships. It is not something that you have to provide. Dating someone does not automatically grant them access to your body. If you really are 18 as your profile says, you’re still pretty young in the grand scheme of dating. If your partner can’t respect that you’re overwhelmed and not willing to have sex, then they aren’t someone that you want to be in a relationship with, period. You are still a teenager and deserve respect, support, and love. If you feel like you can’t kiss, have sex, or whatever, that needs to be respected as that is a boundary for you. End of discussion. Even if they are a great person, check all of the boxes of a good boyfriend and are just falling down with this one point. You snapping and shutting down means that you have something to work on that is beyond sex.

Now that being said, let’s say that your partner isn’t asking this from you. That sexually charged moments just happen and they cause you to panic. Let’s talk about how to communicate that. Firstly, I recommend not having sex until you are truly comfortable with it and your partner. That is not something that is up for discussion, as I beat to death above and doesn’t have to be told to your partner verbally. There is nothing wrong with a paragraph via text, a letter, or even a phone call. In my experience, words come easier when I am alone. If you find yourself choked up and unable to convey yourself, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation to recompose yourself. This time should be used to reflect and understand why you feel the way you do.

Now for my assumptions.

I think that you’re struggling with something deeper than sex though. I think that it is manifesting itself as touch revulsion. I remember reading somewhere that a rocky home life situation leads to hypersexuality in some young women as a coping mechanism. Maybe as a way to get their power back or feel in control. Then later, once these women have had time to reflect on their feelings and actions, they grow resentful or anxious or overwhelmed towards sex itself and the people they let use them. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. I think the cancer here is an issue that you have yet to address and the symptom is sex revulsion. If your partner is pushing you for it, it is definitely not helping your case with sex and probably making the problem worse. Please don’t take any of this personally. I don’t know you nor do I know what has and is happening to you. I hope that this does not apply to you but if it does, I hope that you find the strength and peace you need to heal.

itsannalee · Accepted Answer

You need professional help, i think you hold childhood trauma. Go find a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you're going through all that turmoil at home, that sounds like an incredibly stressful and overwhelming situation. With all that's going on, it's totally understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and not up for physical intimacy right now. Don't be too hard on yourself about that.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself right now. It's okay to set boundaries and limits on physical contact if that's what you need. Your boyfriend should understand and respect that, even if it's frustrating for him. Try to communicate that to him gently, let him know it's not about him, it's just that you're dealing with a lot and need some space.

In terms of communication, I get why that's hard when you're feeling snappy or just want to shut down. But try to find little windows where you can open up to him, even if it's just for a few minutes. Maybe set aside a specific time each day to check in. That way you're not bottling everything up, but you're also not overwhelming yourself.

And don't be afraid to lean on your boyfriend for emotional support, even if you can't be physical right now. Just having someone there to listen can make a big difference. Suggest going on low-key dates where you can just talk and connect without the pressure of being intimate.

The most important thing is being patient with yourself. This is a tough situation, but you've got this. Focus on your self-care, communicate your needs honestly, and don't be afraid to ask your boyfriend for what you need, even if it's just a hug or a hand to hold. Better days are ahead, I promise.

Danny_dan92 · Accepted Answer

In the eyes of the government you’re an adult. If you want to have sex with your boyfriend without the risk of your parents kicking you out? Move out.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

You just have to communicate and you have to seek out a professional and pinpoint the problem and fix it

msc545 · Answer

Agreed. Get professional help please.

Anonymous · Answer

Go to counseling

Anonymous · Answer

you need to talk to someone

Ifdyourmom · Answer

But at least you feel something

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