How to get a boyfriend if you’re not pretty?

[Anonymous]

I’ve taken my appearance as far as I can, which for me happens to be 5/10. Guys never really show interest in me and I’m fairly confident that it’s my looks. I know it’s hard for some (esp guys) to believe, but not all of us are naturally beautiful, and makeup and style can only do so much. What is the best way to seek out a relationship under these circumstances? if it’s worth doing so at all? Not looking for beauty advice as I honestly feel I’ve done everything I can in that area

[HollyK21]

I don’t think that trying to date with your mindset is the best way to go. Accepting your flaws is one thing, but making your flaw your identity and choosing men based off that just sets you up for failure.


What you’re going to end up doing is settling for any half-decent (if that) looking man “willing” to give you a chance, potentially missing red flags. You’ll feel almost gracious towards him, making him the prize and he’ll get away with murder. You’ll do your damndest not to ruin anything and the moment he notices how deeply insecure you are about your looks, he’ll leverage that to manipulate and lord knows what else.


All this to say, dating with your mindset will only lead to toxicity. You don’t have to tell the world ‘hey I’m not pretty but you should give me a chance anyway because these are my other qualifications’. No. Put your normal self/personality out there and the right man will love you just as you are. Beauty is subjective anyway, so you don’t know what man will find you attractive or not.

[Asker]

I think you may be right. I have lowered my standards a bit too much. Thing is I know from the attention (or there lack of) I get from men that most are looking for someone prettier than me. I’m not really sure how to build my confidence when I know I’m not what most guys want physically. I don't know even guys tho are about as attractive than me or less attractive are looking for a prettier girl

[HollyK21]

I’m not sure what you mean by lack of attention, but in any case what if those aren’t the men you should appeal to anyway? I totally understand wanting to feel attractive or having several options how some women do, but often times those men are shallow and not worth your time.

If they chose you because you look good then that’s a constant standard you’d have to uphold, otherwise there’s the pressure of trying to keep him interested and not having a wandering eye. Or the looming risk of losing his interest altogether. Often times those men who chased women out of attraction are treating them like conquests, then once (or if) they have them it’ll eventually be on to the next woman. There’s pros and cons to “being hot” or being that woman who got a boyfriend because she was pretty.

[Asker]

Well I know I’m not hot. I guess it’s better that I don’t get treated like that. I guess I need to get it out of my head that my partner should find me physically attractive. It’s not very likely at least

[Asker]

Let me actually rephrase that: how do you feel attractive to a potential partner when you know you are not conventionally pretty?

[HollyK21]

So what is your idea of potential? Is it just some guy that you have a crush on or someone you’re actually speaking with and working towards something? Because to me, it’s the second option and in that case, wouldn’t they have to find you attractive already in order for you to see potential with them? So why wouldn’t you feel attractive to them? I believe that in your frame of mind you’re not going to feel attractive to anyone unless they are reminding you of it often. You would need a lot of reassurance with a man, because you are so insecure about your looks and have spent lord knows how long tearing yourself down. The way you think about yourself is worth unlearning, because you project your insecurities and wear them like a badge. It’s not attractive, it triggers pity, and what man wants to feel sorry for the woman he’s with?

[Daniela1982]

It's not in looks that count. It's your personality, laughter, and outlook at life that make you attractive. This applies to both men and women. A great personality trumps looks any day. The great looking people are usually fake, and are players and bimbos. So concentrate on what you do have, not what you don't.

[Asker]

I am trying to work on my personality as much as I can. It hurts to know my future partner won’t think I’m beautiful, but it’s good to know I have the opportunity to get one at least

[Daniela1982]

All it takes is some nice clothes, some makeup, and be well groomed. That is the start of a good recipe for success.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what it's like for woman but for men I gave up after twenty years of trying because I knew deep down I was wasting my time. I'm a 3 right now because I don't shave or cut my hair anymore. I'm basically a hermit. Even if I lost all my spare weight, shaved and trimmed my hair I'd probably still be a 5 at best. Being honest being average looking or worse bellow is pretty close to a death blow for dating. That said there are a lot more lonely guys than girls right now, so you do have a more favorable ration than me.

[Avicenna]

Find a guy would simply enjoys being around you. He’ll be attracted to you for multiple reasons.

I once had a girlfriend who had the best personality ever. I didn’t care about her looks and I enjoyed our time together very much.

[Asker]

I aspire to have a great personality. Hard to say if I actually do but it’s a safer bet than my appearance. I would like my partner to think I’m a little bit pretty but then again I’m also a realist

[slatyb]

Get involved in activities that also draw single men. Outdoor activity groups are great, co-rec sports, or any kind of gaming -- chess, board game players are mostly men. When people know us, they are less focused on our appearance and more focused on our personality. I've met women I didn't initially find attractive, but after I got to know them, my opinion changed completely.

[Asker]

Thank you for this concrete and doable advice. I will try this

[slatyb]

Also musical performance groups. You don't have to be good if you can play any instrument at any level of skill. Or find a singing group. There are dozens in cities of any size, and you don't have to have any training to join. Or if you are inclined, look at partner dance meetups.

[Sevenpointfive]

be a really good person and be genuine about it. that goes a long way with a guy. don't waste your time on guys that can do better than you. go for the cute overweight ones.

[Asker]

That’s what I’ve been doing lol. Cute to me but not ya know, cute. Thing is a lot of guys will only go for pretty girls regardless of their own looks and attributes

[Sevenpointfive]

yeah. it's going to be tough. and you will have to play hard to get even though you're last pick.

[Asker]

Do you think playing hard to get will improve my odds? It hurts being last pick even though there’s not much I can do at this point

[Sevenpointfive]

it has been working for a lot of women. just don't make it too hard to get

[ehatsham_hussain]

Try to get a wise husband instead of just a boyfriend.

[Asker]

I like this idea, but I’m not really sure how to find a husband when I can’t even get a boyfriend

[TacosRAwesome]

Join a group with a healthy male to female ratio and be social with the other members.

[Billlewis]

Be a total bitch, and you’ll have guys lining up to ask you out. Seriously.

[princeofromance]

Be very nice to make up for the lack of beauty.

[YourExLover69]

Be friendly, open minded, kind, lower your standards bit, maintain yourself, have good personality... It will be attractive 😜

[Anonymous]

Lower your standards. Don't go after 8s if you're only a 5.

[Asker]

Hi. I’ve been going after twos and the like. The last couple of times I’ve broken it off with a guy (a two mind you) is because he was threatening my physical safety. How much more do you expect me to lower my standards exactly?

[Opinion Owner]

Well if you say you have been going after twos then I guess there's not much else you can do except to develop your personality more. Make that better so guys will want to be with you.

[Asker]

Fair enough

[Tomisworthless]

As a 5 you can date a 3

[Asker]

I’d have to find one interested in me

[Tomisworthless]

can't be too difficult

[Anonymous]

how long you been single now?

[Asker]

About three years. I’ve talked to a few guys in that amount of time, but it ended when they realized I wanted more than a hookup. I’m gonna be 30 next year. Prospects for the future are not looking good

[Opinion Owner]

why do you think its looking negative?

[Anonymous]

How long have you been single now

[Anonymous]

DM me and i will tell you

[Asker]

You are on anon. Is there a reason you can’t do it here?

[Opinion Owner]

I just liked your question

[Asker]

Thank you! Unfortunately I don’t have the xp necessary to send a private message

[Opinion Owner]

Just follow me , i will send private message