Is it too early to ask about past relationships?

Question

We've only been on one date and I didn't think it would be appropriate to ask about his previous relationships on the first date but I kind of want to ask him when his last relationship was and how did it end. And also how many relationships has he been in. Is that too much too soon? Should I wait until the second date or ask him without being in person?

I kind of want to know now before the second date if there is one that is. Just to make conversation and to get to know him a bit better.

Your thoughts?

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

I think it's great to jump right into a more intimate question like this and even others. Some people are saying it's too sensitive and maybe it is for them. Not for me, I like to dig deep and find the treasures are better the deeper you go. These questions are great also because you can learn not only about the relationships but also more about this guy in how he handles the questions. Is he cagey and trying to hide something? Is he reflective on what went wrong, taking responsibility for his part, and looking for the lessons to grow in his next relationship?

It's also important how are you going to take the information? Will you be insecure about how attracted he was to previous girlfriends and punish him for being honest with you with cattiness? Will you show gratitude for his transparency and vulnerability in trusting you with this intimate information?

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

With rare exceptions, everyone has a history of bad relationships until they finally find The One. And the person who is The One could ask, on the first or second date, questions like "how long ago did you break up?" and "whose fault was it?" but what does that tell you? The better question would be, "Have you learned from the mistakes you made in prior relationships, and how are you different now?" If you get a sincere answer, THAT tells you what you need to know. And that sincerity I mentioned. . . that develops over time, and not on the first or second date.

AviatorTom · Answer

If he wants to tell you about past relationships, he will tell you. There's no reason for you to ask him, and if you do, he would most likely take that as an invasion of his privacy and push you away. After a few dates, you can mention some of your past relationships and he might then tell you about his.

ohsheeT · Answer

If you talk on the phone or through text bring it up then.. that way if you are going to date again then that's more time fore the date

But then again if your face to face when you ask you get the chance to look in to his eyes when you ask

14gurlz2gagonit · Answer

I think it's a great idea to be honest. The story you'll hear will tell you so much about that person and that's the whole fucking point of this dating shit, is it not? To get to know each other beyond simply being sexually appealing enough to each other to meet up and hang out to see if something clicks.

Personally, I love getting chicks to talk about their past relationships. I am actively paying attention to see if she has a body count that is absurd, if she always blames all the men she was with for everything even though she is the common denominator in every one of the scenarios, is she a cheater, does she hook up with cheaters, does she fall for bullshit or scams, and so much more. The saying goes that "women will tell on themselves if you shut up and let them talk," but I think that will work for you too if you can get him on a roll about talking about himself. ... I mean I know I've accidently exposed that I'm just a fuck boy a bit too early by talking too much.

So yeah that's my thoughts, and I think it's a really good idea. Better than awkward silence if the conversation is going nowhere. "Better to fuck up a relationship that wasn't going to work early than to sort of force it to work just for it to die a longer more painful death," is my personal philosophy... that and to make sure I fuck her really good on the first date. She's going to tell her friends about that sex, and if it doesn't work out with her, I'm probably going to be fucking her friends too. I call it reputation building. She peed on herself and walked funny for 2 days after the date with me.

NathanDavis · Answer

I definitely think it is okay

this is a very important thing, and if he's serious about dating and relationships, then he should not have a problem at all with this

if he has a problem with this, then that might be some sort of sign... but I also think this should come up genuinely and at the same time casually... it should not feel like an interrogation or accusation, lmao

for example... "how do you feel about relationships in general" then follow up questions like "what has been your experience with relationships or dating" and NOT something like... "have you cheated before?" lol...

Shiprex · Answer

It's a tough one that may scare someone off but if it's done in a sensitive manner without judgement then it could be ok but not all at once.
Have history as an ongoing topic and let them bring it up as and when they're ready to express their vulnerabilities.

It's often a source of pain and unhappiness to think about historic failures so don't expect them to be over the moon if you blurt it out. No one wants to admit failure or show weakness until they are in a place of safety that is your roll to create.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Personally I do not talk about past relationships with dates. It always causes problems when they start to compare themselves with them or part way through responding to a question asked I am abruptly cut off and told i talk about them too much probably because I really have nothing negative to say about them. Regardless, they asked and I answered. It is bizarre behavior on their part. I just don’t want the turmoil so the subject is no longer up for discussion. If that is a problem, fine. They can filter themselves out of my life. It isn’t like I want to sit and grill my date about her relationship past. This isn’t an employment or performance interview.

Asking about past relationships is so damn a one sided response and often places the exes in a lousy light. So why even bring it up?

PeachyPie93 · Answer

I usually ask anyone whatever I want, even how many people they had sex with lol since they can take it however they want as well, I don't really care since I find it funny to offend people anyways. Tho for you maybe asking that right away will become awkward because if he asks you about your last relationship.. would you really want to talk about it?

unknowngurll1212 · Answer

It’s totally natural to be curious, but it might be better to wait until u’re both more comfortable... Asking about past relationships on the first date can sometimes feel too soon. Maybe wait until the second date or later when you both have built more of a connection!..

Kaneki05 · Answer

I don't see any problem with it. The reality of it is if your gonna ask a question a date just think would you be okay with been asked back?
If so then I see no problem asking it, and if the other person don't want to talk about it wouldn't they just say so?
Tbh I am one who thinks to be a open book, and say's any question is reasonable because one can reject answering.

sage2021 · Answer

Those kind of questions should be asked in person and after at least one or two months.

You sure are nosey aren't you?

You want to get up in someone's business that you hardly know. What gives you the right to even ask such personal questions instead of him volunteering this information when HE feels like the time is right!👍🏼
🙄

molonski2 · Answer

It's far too early to bring that up , go on the second date , do not address the topic at this point , let the topic come up naturally within conversation rather than asking directly , it's very off putting when an individual brings that up too soon and reeks of desperation..
At this point it should be just enjoying the moment.

Orion84 · Answer

I think it's a legitimate question, and I wouldn't be offended if a woman asked me on/after the first date. I'd be curious about hers, too.

If your date's ex disappeared under "mysterious circumstances" or it ended because she got a restraining order against him, that's information you're going to need before you get too serious, after all.

FriendlyCanadianGuy · Answer

Early relationships are tricky in a sense you don't really like eachother yet. There might be physical attraction or you may have known eachother for awhile, but It is important to leave a positive impression when building an intimate relationship.

My last relationship ended badly, and talking about that might make me relive those feelings, and girls don't wanna deal with that, even though they asked for it. Speaking from experience lol.

Bricealan · Answer

@simslover92 Well, Simslover, you know me by now and I ALWAYS want to hear about my partners past sex life... BUT with the caveat, that I wait, until I see if she is kinky enough to talk about her past lovers. I had a past girlfriend, that I knew for a long time, and ALWAYS wanted to know about her past lovers,  not to throw it up in her face later,  but it simply spiced up OUR sex life.

QuestionObsession · Answer

There is no rule about asking questions and when to ask them. If someone says there are rules and etiquettes to these things, they are full of shit. You do what feels needed. Ask stuff whenever you feel the need for it and assert yourself and not be awkward or embarrassed. Own your zone.

frenchgirl123 · Answer

I think it is best not to bring it up so soon, as it can be quite a sensitive topic. If they bring it up and seem comfortable then perhaps, but tread lightly. i know this is late but hope this helps

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

There isn't any generalized answer I can see, because what I talk about, when and how I talk about it is based on a specific woman I'm facing. It depends on how curious she is, how open-minded, what type of communication she's into etc. I'm estimating what is appropriate and what not on the fly, until she starts making sense to me, globally. Then the need for caution decreases steadily.

Zack-Bann · Answer

I would say ask within the flow of the conversation
don’t worry about too early or too late
It’s irrelevant

Just don’t turn it into an interrogation

Ask but keep the vibe nice and positive and respect his boundaries if he says that he can’t talk about it
(Maybe his ex died in a car crash and he doesn’t like remembering it or something)

FreyaRed · Answer

Don't ask. Just suggest him you don't want to be a third wheel in a collapsing or failed relationship where some emotional bond still exists. Because this is an important information from you perspective. If you ask him stupid questions like how many women did you have, he will get instantly some wrong conclusions.

RavVid · Answer

Unless you are face to face you don't have full communications because non-verbals count for a lot.

I tend to think the longer some things are deferred the more difficult it is to raise them. Clearly past relationships and what went wrong is relevant to a potential relationship.

You could refer to your past relationships and I do think you should lead off if you want to know about his.

Your in your thirties so both of you should be mature enough to talk about past ones.

BadApple69 · Answer

Why ask at all? What does his dating history have to do with you? That is information that will only bother you…. AND you really shouldn’t share your history either.

EllyVick · Answer

I think that you can definitely ask him. I was in a talking phase with a guy, and he asked me this, but after we got to know each other better, and I didn't find that question offensive at all.

I'm not sure if you should ask him on the first date, but if it keeps gnawing at you, just ask.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Why ask at all?  We will have been married 14 years this August, and we have never discussed it. The topic has never come up in conversation, either.

elizamichale1 · Answer

Ask those questions anytime n say goodbye coz he isn't going to date u anymore honey... whatever he did in past is just past... what u should focus on is how he treats u n how u feel with him

MemeSupreme · Answer

yeah that stuff usually comes up when you're already dating and like naturally not something you force or else it'll probably be too early

bowenw · Answer

My opinion is the past should be left in the past, but if you need to know for your own peace of mind, try asking in a subtle way at an opportune time as soon as one happens.

slatyb · Answer

His last relationship and how did end? Perfectly reasonable. How many relationships he has been in? Maybe not. "If there is one that is" Is what?

glennos89 · Answer

I wouldn't dive in straight like that. It will make you look jealous although you might just have asked this out of curiosity

lilBigPotato · Answer

There's no too early, just try to be smart about it. Find a topic that will lead in that direction, could also be to make him ask you about your exes first. Just don't ask about it out of the blue, that's a bit weird

PeterLegg91 · Answer

Depends how long you been talking etc , seeing as you met him ill say your fine to chat about that

katiesmuff · Answer

First few dates seem a bit early unless he brings it up first.

David6668 · Answer

I suggest you to present this simply on next date like you just threw it like - I bet your ex wasn't better than me? Simple & also look for his expression instead of words alone.

WonderingManII · Answer

WoW! Posts like this always reminds me of how much I don't know about relationships. :(

Mark987 · Answer

Why not? That question is fine to ask you're creating conversation.

Lynx122 · Answer

I'd wait a bit still :)

rebelkid · Answer

Do not ask anything if you are not prepared for the response.

Sono83 · Answer

It depends on how comfortable you feel with him.

kaucky1 · Answer

If run across any from my past relationships they may end up saying 'lets fuck or got any drugs' it already happened like that

msc545 · Answer

It is NEVER appropriate to ask about this.

Anonymous · Answer

It seems ok to me.

exitseven · Answer

yes, it is way too early.

spartan55 · Answer

What's the hurry?

MatureMan40 · Answer

I think it is too early.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Nope it's never to early for that

Rides_Big_Guys · Answer

Should have asked before the 1st date

WhitneySnow · Answer

Ask him now

DrPepper12 · Answer

Slow your roll.

Smile456 · Answer

Never too early

Is it too early to ask about past relationships?

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