AITA for not wanting to go 50:50 on dates?

Question

I met this guy a couple months back and we have been on a few dates. Initially he was nice to me and covered the first 3 dates or so. Soon enough he quite openly expressed his views on relationships and roles. He said he considers himself traditional, wants 5 kids in 5 years time max, marriage etc. which is a lot! He earns a decent amount (100k) and whilst I do too usually, I am currently out of work and relying on savings. Obvs I pay my own bills etc. In looks we are not exactly matched either, about a 2 point gap or so and he has made comments here and there on how women should stay slim or youthful looking. Basically he wants an attractive wife who is willing to start a legacy family with him. I have never been in that dynamic before and I took a second to consider whether this would work for me in anyway.

Before I even had time to decide, date 4 rolls around and he starts nudging me to pay the bill. I do it once thinking he just wants proof I am not using him but then 6th date he wants me to go halfsies again and 7th etc. so he is trying to shift to a 50:50 on dates (that he is insisting we go on?). I paid that bill but when leaving the bar he remarked how my bill was fractionally lower than his previous one. We got into an argument over it.

Now I know this sounds shallow but this man wants a traditional wife and family on a 50:50 set up + a more attractive partner. Am I the asshole for pushing back?

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

Number one consider if you’re compatible number one you’re not entitled to a free date however you can have standards as well as express what you’re looking for in a relationship you’re allowed to find someone whose wanting the same thing you’re wanting. But that’s something you need to talk about together. Not as if you’re entitled to it but express your feelings and see what happens.

Being physically attracted to someone is ONE issue. Ask yourself. Is he too good to be true? He says some questionable things. Is he bad? Don’t know maybe he is great. But consider it a man only wants you for your beauty. Looks change. Especially after giving birth to FIVE or more kids…. Not saying you’ll be ugly but you will change. Not to mention just natural aging.

So what happens if you’re older and he isn’t satisfied with the way you look? Even if you’re a loving wife whose loyal and does all the things? Because there are people who will leave someone.

Is there also double standards? He wants everything traditional FOR HIM…. But for you it’s different. Meaning. It could be one sided. Where you must conform to his beliefs but he doesn’t care about your own wants/needs.

Have respectful conversations and his reaction to those conversations will say a LOT! I say you’re not entitled but neither is he. You can both split off and find someone more compatible.

Maybe he is using you. MYbe you’re not compatible. Or maybe you’ll work things out. Have conversations and take it at a pace that’s comfortable for both of you.

OneViewpoint · Accepted Answer

Dump this guy. He is a walking red flag. He wants a traditional woman AND a career woman. Whatever suits him in the moment. 5 kids in 5 years? Would you like whipped cream on that fantasy? And what odes he bring to the table?

The 50:50 thing on dates is fair if you are both working and earning a decent living. Women need to start taking accountability if they expect equal job opportunities and equal pay. Let go of the past and start paying your way in the new world you asked for. Why should you enjoy all the perqs of the old ways and the perqs of a new feminist way? Why should he get a traditional woman in the bedroom and a feminist when the waiter drops off the bill.

It should be a 2 way street. A team. But this guy seems petty. The tab I picked up last week was $100 and the tab you picked up this week was $75. The difference was $25. It'll even up over time. Nobody normal keeps track of shit like that. The point is both people are pitching in. Why is he focused on $25 instead of having a great evening?

Like I said, walking red flag. I don't think this behavior gets better over time. It's who he is. Listen to what he's showing you, not what he's saying.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

I think you're foolish for continuing to date this guy. He's the asshole.

He's told you what he wants up front and you're not on board with the 5 kids, 5 years and tradition, are you? In addition, if he knows you're out of work, why is he insisting on your paying 50/50? To prove some point?

If you want to continue seeing this man, insist on going places that are free. Doesn't tax your pocketbook since you're between jobs. You can go for walks or biking. Coffee at his house or yours costs nothing. And you can talk further to find out more about each other.

He sounds like a tool to me. But if for some reason you're still interested, insist on a more equitable cost situation for you. Don't go anywhere for more than coffee or tea. Not even lunch and certainly not dinner. Eating out is too pricey between jobs.

You need to tell him you're living on savings and can't do all this going out. If he doesn't understand this, he is short on compassion.

And he's told you HIS plans. What are yours? Has he even asked you? He doesn't sound like a prize to me.

DishLady · Accepted Answer

He wants a slim youthful wife to crank out his five brats in five years? Tell him to go find the Stepford Wife who can do that for him... Delusional idiot.

I don't know what he thinks he's doing with the date payment thing. When I go out with a guy friend he'll usually pay one time and I'll pay another time (or if there are people with us and it's someone's bday we'll split it). Once I paid for four people (I forget the total, but close to $210) and the next time we hung out he wanted to hit up a spot he'd never been to and covered that bill (close to $225). Are we complaining? No. Are we dating? No. Have we had a few sexy wrestles for the check? Sort of, but totally accidental, haha.

My point is that this is not dating behavior. If you two are dating there shouldn't be any fighting over the checks. You SHOULD BE A LADY and offer to at least leave the tip, especially when it's an expensive bill. It's just the polite thing to do.

TrueConfection · Answer

No, you are not. You need to get rid of this guy. He has crazy expectations and is clearly a manipulator. He’s only showing you his best side too! He wants a woman to pump out 5 babies, stay slim, work to pay for half, etc. Maybe he needs to birth at least half of those babies. This guy is also going to be selfish in bed and a constant complainer about how you things. Run, don’t walk.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

This guy and you aren't intended for each other. That seems rather obvious. Give up on trying to get people to say he is a jerk; you don't need others to validate your decision. Just tell him goodbye and move on with your life.

Saramad_Hill · Answer

Splitting the bill is really up to the couple, if both people want that, then great. Nothing sucks more than feeling like you're just being used to pay for dinner. But if he's going to demand such steep traditional things (like kids fast and keeping you slim) he's going to need to put in his effort as well. You want traditional? Great-- man pays for the dinner/dates ~90% of the time or more. Also... he makes 100K and is still sweating how much a date costs? Unless you're hopping on yachts and tossing thousands away, I feel like you're not the asshole for expecting him to act the way he wants you to act. I'm not conservative or traditional at all, but consent always matters in these things. Find a way to gently bring it up with him and see what the deal is? Sometimes there's things you just put up with if you think the reward outweighs the negatives. Is this one of them? Reiterating: five kids in five years is a big ask. He's going to need to step up to the plate and  show  he can be a provider-- especially on dates. This doesn't mean you can't spend money on you sometimes, it just feels like a double standard wanting you to be trad and also for you to pay your half more than necessary. Dating is complicated-- this is why communication is important.

TrimmedTip · Answer

No, you’re not the asshole — you're actually being thoughtful and fair by noticing the contradiction.

He says he wants a “traditional” setup — big family, wife at home, high expectations on looks — but then expects modern equality when it comes to splitting bills. That’s not traditional, that’s selective convenience. He’s picking the parts that benefit him and ignoring the ones that involve him providing or stepping up.

You're right to push back. If he wants a traditional partner, then he should be ready to play the traditional role himself — including financial support, especially if you're currently between jobs. You’re not shallow — you’re asking for consistency and respect. That’s basic.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I refuse to pay for a date at all. If it's a mutual activity, I find it best we both pay our own way since it's something we both want to do. If she wants to go eat out though... I won't even go unless she's paying. I'll probably make her drive as well. Why?

Because she's the one that wants to fucking go out to eat and I hate restaurants. I can easily just BBQ or instapot some food and we'll save a shit ton of money.

Now you're dealing with a dude that wants to be traditional... except for where it doesn't benefit him... hmmmm... where have I seen that before? Hmmmm... oh yeah, these fucking bitches that's fucked so many guys she might as well run a onlyfans, not cook, not clean, and they expect the man to accept their non-traditional behavior, and then get the benefits of it. Therefore...

I agree with you. Fuck that shit. He wants all the good shit of a traditional relationship except for where it doesn't benefit him.

abc3643 · Answer

He needs to go. For a few reasons.
First, he's delusional.
In the real world, unless you are really wealthy, both spouses are probably going to need to work. You have your head on straight; he does not.
Second, he's delusional.
5 kids is just not realistic or smart in any sense of the word unless you are really wealthy.
Third, he's delusional.
What he really is is a control freak and he wants to control your life to what his desires are. Your desires are irrelevant.

He needs to go.

You are NOT the asshole.
You are smart and reasonable.

Anonymous · Answer

No, I think this guy doesn't understand what a trad wife or relationship is and the insanity of saying he wants 5 kids in five years when for example, he could have infertility issues or you could, like is he going to ditch you even if you're both okay, but you can't have that many (which is insane) in that short of a timespan. I digress, red flag red flag red flag. Also a red flag is a guy nickle and diming on a bill. Like yes, I firmly believe if you're in a 50/50 and you both understand that, he pays, you pay, etc, but comparing notes and showing you receipts like it's a business lunch and not a date, no, next. If you are uncomfortable now and you're barely dating the guy, imagine that future...

iFarted · Answer

He sounds confused, has unrealistic standards and you're not an asshole for pushing back. If you really like the guy, have a mature civil conversation with him about it. We're all looking for different things in a relationship and that's perfectly okay.

Not sure where you live but a guy if living in a western 1st world country making just 100k (I'm assuming gross not net) isn't going to find a partner that is "traditional", makes enough money to go 50:50 financially, and be a housewife level of "attractive" while having 5 kids in 5 years (that's a huge toll on her body).

Zack-Bann · Answer

The fact that you’re hanging on the fact that he’s less attractive than you are is a sign you’re not really attracted to him so you’re trying to logic your way into some sort of “ick” to end it without feeling shallow

The truth is: the heart wants what it wants

You’re allowed to go say no thanks

Miristheiss · Answer

If you have been having sex with previous boyfriends or flings, you will NEVER be a traditional woman because you aren't chaste. You have nothing unique to offer a husband other then getting him to commit all his resources to you which all the other guys didn't do.

SotiCoto · Answer

Not strictly 50/50 unless you're both ordering the same thing.
But it makes sense for each participant to pay for what they personally consumed. If one person is consuming vastly more than the other and wants to go 50/50, that is a bad sign.

Anonymous · Answer

he wants a traditional wife, only when it suits him

he wants a career woman, only when it suits him.

what does this say about him as a person? he is selfish and unreasonable

if you had kids with him, he will not be a good provider nor a good father.

Ariesman81 · Answer

Are you cooking, cleaning, fucking and sucking? If the answer is no, then him paying 100% would make you an escort. It's cool if you want to be a kept woman, but you aren't there yet. If you're fulfilling all the roles listed above and he still insists on 50/50, well, then you have a reason to be upset.

DomInDraper · Answer

I don't think so. He wants to be the head of the household, he has to take responsibility for that. If this is actual courtship - not just dating - then your man needs to realize that this is  nothing  compared to what he's going to need to pony up for later, and be glad that he's getting to enjoy these times with you. Honestly, I don't even get men who claim any sort of traditionalism and then want to go 50/50. But hey - maybe I'm just old.

lightbulb27 · Answer

No you are not, I don't believe what he said on his salary without evidence either.

I just asked a question how europeans view marriages financially... that be the question for him. are you together or separate in finances?

RHK36 · Answer

He sounds like he just wants to control you. You can't claim traditional then pull that bs. Move on or don't complain if you stick around for more goofy crap.

oswaldcobblepot · Answer

I'd have no shame in asking a woman to go 50/50 on a date even if that meant not getting a second date. I'd rather her see me as a person rather than just a cheque book with legs.

LiamS95 · Answer

No, stand up fof youf values. How csn he be in a traditional relationship and expecg you to also pay your own way especially whdn you're not currently employed.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Traditional often means whatever benefits the man. He doesn't care about you as much as you might think.

StephanieChick111 · Answer

If he wants a traditional wife then he needs to be a traditional boyfriend and pay for the date.

slatyb · Answer

No, you are not. Lose this guy. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You would be miserable if you actually married him.

StevenMcGarrett · Answer

You are totally in the right. If he wants a trational wife then he needs to be a real man and pay for the dates

LiamJHayden · Answer

He wants traditional except when modern benefits him. Sounds like a hypocrite.

jahaims · Answer

Dates should be split otherwise you are saying guys have to pay for your time which makes you an escort.

Anonymous · Answer

Well if your dates are expensive maybe go on cheaper dates. Maybe cook him a meal and bang hix brains out after or vice versa.

shortster · Answer

It sounds like he wants a nontraditional girlfriend to become a traditional wife. I think that you should drop him for someone that understands what they want.

Anonymous · Answer

He can't have it both ways. If you're willing to have a more traditional relationship, he needs to be traditional too. You should dump him.

Vegasrunner · Answer

He doesn't think you are attractive enough to pay 100% of the bill. This seems kind of obvious.

eagle1951 · Answer

the Man should always pay unless they are married. then he's paying even if she does it.

Flower7 · Answer

This is not Reddit.

Anonymous · Answer

are you giving him sex in return for the money he spends on you?

WhitneySnow · Answer

I agree with you

Anonymous · Answer

You should find some better guy.

Dongie · Answer

You two are perfect for each other.

beenherebefore · Answer

NTA.

Jennz6 · Answer

Make him pay

AITA for not wanting to go 50:50 on dates?

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AITA for not wanting to go 50:50 on dates?

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