What is the reality of dating a single mom?

[Anonymous]

[cora1]

I can’t speak from a man’s perspective, but there’s a child, hopefully just one. So even though you’re not the dad they will still be around most of the time if they’re young which means you have to be conscientious of that and things like arguing are things that would have to happen when the child is not listening or in another room for example. Keep in mind many single mothers are entirely single mothers, which means the dad helps out very little or nothing at all, so they’ll need a baby sitter if you go out with her unless you want to bring the child which is a nice thought and the mother would appreciate that. And if the dad is in the picture just pray he’s mature and a good person. The good thing is you will know pretty quickly if she’s a red flag or green flag and marriage material based on how she is as a mother.

[Asker]

What if she has full custody and the child has autism?

[cora1]

Full custody is good because you don’t have to worry about the dad being problematic. That’s actually how many men manipulate their exs, by making their life difficult. So that’s good, but that also means she has limited help and will have him 24/7 besides school. Some grandparents help out which would be nice. I don’t know a lot about autism, but I do think it’s a little more challenging if they do have autism. Honestly is you like her and you think she’s a good women many times it’s very worth it especially when you can see she’s a good mother you can almost always bet she will be a good wife. However as far as the autism I would try to see if you can find out how the child is, I’ve heard some kids with autism can be a headache.

[cora1]

I think it definitely relies on how difficult the child is. 😅

[Asker]

I thought with full custody the father is still involved just to a lesser degree?

[cora1]

Sometimes not really, but if they are it might be very limited.

[cora1]

It’s something you should definitely ask her though. When the time comes you can bring it up.

[Ariesman81]

He might be involved financially, but he has zero say in what happens with the child. It might sound like a good thing, but ultimately, it means she had a child with someone she feels or has proved is an unfit parent. 100% custody is a red flag.

[Asker]

Why is full custody a red flag?

[Ariesman81]

It means she gave the greatest honor a woman can give to a man that she feels is undeserving of it. From my experience, a woman who has 100% custody will give you one of three reasons: abandonment (ask yourself why), he was abusive (takes two to fight) or he wasn't man enough.
And you gotta ask yourself, if the father didn't fight for custody, why didn't he?

[cora1]

@Ariesman81 thanks for clarifying. She had a child, but we can’t develop assumptions one why they separated. I’d say the dad is a red flag because a mother would do anything to save a relationship because they know that being a single mother is hard on a mother. A dad doesn’t think about the consequences of leaving a family.

[cora1]

Don’t listen to him, there are many reasons people separate and unfortunately a women can try her best to keep a man, but if he leaves, cheats, no one can force someone to stay. And you have to be observant of the families around you or at least have had a family or relationship to know that you can think you’re picking a “perfect” person especially when they’re good at putting a facade at first and realize years later that they’re actually a cheater or abusive or a narcissist or things just don’t work out and that’s completely fine, things happen, but drawing conclusions of a parent having full custody as being a red flags is not even related in relevance. Red flags are something like anger issues, or someone who has had multiple short term boyfriends for example, something directly related to their behavior in relationships.

[Ariesman81]

The only part I agree with you on is not making assumptions. The rest of what you said is just that... assumptions.

[Ariesman81]

@cora1

The irony is in your first sentence. "Don't listen to him". The exact reason why single Mothers are single mothers.

[cora1]

@Ariesman81 Although Im not a single mother myself, I can be empathetic for human beings. Being a single mother with full custody equates to a commitment to the full well-being of their child, and does not in any way shape or form show how this person is in relationships. This is a good example of how not to make an assumption and have an educated understanding of human relationships and complexities without relying on assumptions, stereotypes, or empty thoughtless banter.

[Ariesman81]

Agreed.
But you speak of things you do not know. Which is why a father is necessary. And a single mother who was not taught the value of masculinity, is doomed to repeat the pattern. I'm not saying a single mother can't see the error in her ways and change her behavior, it's just very rare.
And yes, the OP would be doing both the child and the mother a favor by becoming a step dad, but he wanted the reality.

[avery58]

I wouldn't have dated a person with kids because what if we didn't work out? Any connection I had made with the kids would have been lost.

[ilikemangos]

thats why u dont build a connection

[avery58]

@ilikemangos how not to build a connection if you're regularly spending time with them? It would be unfair to date their parent and basically ignore them

[ilikemangos]

then js dont? how? if u dont want anything to do with them they can't force u? and its not unfair get some self respect

[avery58]

@ilikemangos if you could read you would actually have seen that I said I wouldn't have dated a man with kids in the first place, precisely because of that. So it will never be a problem, I just explained why. Stop self projecting.

[ilikemangos]

and im saying, if you WERE dating a man with kids, dont meet the kids if ur scared to get a connection, u can meet a man and not his kids. how am i self projecting im literally 14 years old?💀

[Ariesman81]

You will quickly find out why the child's father is not in the picture. Typically, they are stubborn, chaotic and prone to making bad choices.

You will be forced to take responsibility of something she probably won't give you authority over. The use of the word "our" will be replaced with the word "mine".

The child will most likely not respect you either. Maybe in time they'll come around, but more than likely not while young.

Basically, so long as you never say No or attempt to have self respect you should be good.

@ Nikki has already pointed out the common tactic of gaslighting you into thinking you're less of a man if you don't take on someone else's kid. Get use to that.

[Asker]

Just because you're dating doesn't mean you have to be involved with the kid

[Ariesman81]

True. But then you're kind of just wasting your time.

[ChiTown33]

Kind of wasting both of thier times. When you're serious about someone you don't get to pick and choose what you accept about thier life. You're either fully in it or you're not.
Now a lot of women women say while dating (to let some pressure of the guy), "my child has a father, I'm not looking for another one. But know he is a part of my life so we are a package deal".
Sorry @ariesman81 I wasn't trying to hijack your opion section.

[Ariesman81]

@ChiTown33

No problem. You're right about wasting her her time as well.

[nastyb]

you are way too jaded. I have seen plenty of happily blended families throughout my life.

[Ariesman81]

@nastyb

The man asked for the reality. It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
I have no doubt there are some that can make it work. But it involves knowing what you're signing up for. And this has been my experience. Both dating single mothers as well as watching the struggles of my child's mother, and as a child of a divorced mother.

[nastyb]

@ariesman81

I am a nurse and I have a fellow male nurse who remarried his second wife along with his 2 daughters. I also work with a lot of families where the single mother has remarried a new husband. Most of them aren't miserable. All of them live happily.

You can't just assume that 1 bad experience means everyone else's experience must be the same as yours.

[nastyb]

one of my favorite youtube cooking influencers is also a single divorced mother who remarried a much younger man. Her kids adore her new husband. She claims he is the most supportive husband she ever had.

[Ariesman81]

@nastyb

Yeah, they probably all ascribe to the happy wife happy life mantra

[nastyb]

@ariesman81

you probably just dedicate your entire life to hating women.

you need therapy for past issues with trauma. hating on women will only make your life worse.

no woman would want to marry you. you will never have a family. you will never live at peace unless you get your issues fixed

[Ariesman81]

@nastyb

If my purpose in life is to be single, so be it. But I will not stop educating men on what to look out for in relationships with women. And frankly, if being liked by women like you means giving up my self respect... good riddance to you

[nastyb]

@ariesman81

because humans are designed to want to be loved, need sex, want affection, need to be adored by others.

and if you keep on going the direction you are in, you will never ever be fulfilled in life.

married people tend to do better at an older age. One day you will wake up, in pain, and be unable to care for yourself, leaving the house may be impossible. Nobody that cares whether you live or die. Your life means nothing to anyone. Its a terrible way to die. This is coming from a nurse.

[nastyb]

the lies that they tell you "im better off being alone" is the same reason why loneliness is such a huge epidemic nowadays. Nowadays humans are lonelier than they have ever been throughout history

[Asker]

Are both men and women lonely?

[Ariesman81]

@nastyb

Maybe, but I got a great view and peace and quiet

[LiamJHayden]

"Single mom" is too vague. Self-sufficient one with a well-behaved child? Never married on assistance with four dead beat baby daddies and children who terrorize their neighborhood? Late 30's with a child who is about to enter college/university? So many variations, some probably fine and others that are unacceptible.

Also, is the guy a single dad r without children?

[Asker]

Single mom with full custody and special needs child.
The guys with no kids

[Straight2thepoint]

You have to be aware that the age of the kid or kids are important to take in consideration. Anything over 5 expect push back from the children. It is in the mom's right to be overprotective. Yet if she is treating you as a possible preditor. Just walk away. Understand that the father might be around. That's were you might consider your future. Ask yourself as it fits the situation, "do i want to be a second father, do I want to be the only father figure, a bank account, or a fool?

[Nikki1989]

Her children will always come first, and you will need to accept and respect that, and if you are mature enough, that won't be an issue. In many ways, being a single mom is a good way to separate quality men from the trash.

[shortster]

Children shouldn't come before a spouse. So her children should only come first before a marriage between them.

[ilikemangos]

@shortster
kids will always come before a spouse, wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend

[shortster]

In the marriage vows you say forsaking all others. It isn't forsaking all but the kids. So if you put kids before a spouse you're doing your marriage wrong.

[ilikemangos]

please never have kids.

[shortster]

Why? Because I understand the vows of marriage?

[ilikemangos]

no bc u wouldn't love ur kids

[avery58]

@shortster I'm not forsaking even my parents for a spouse. My spouse could betray me, my mother never will.

[shortster]

Just because they are second doesn't mean I don't love them.

Then you probably shouldn't get married.

[ilikemangos]

your wife can leave u, a kid can't completly cut u off bc ur biologically bined to each other.

[ilikemangos]

really hope i dont get married

[shortster]

Tell that to my brother.

[ilikemangos]

solve ur own issues

[shortster]

What are you talking about?

[ilikemangos]

idc if ur brother is good or bad in relationships

[shortster]

You said a kid can't completely cut off its parents. Which my brother did after he got expelled from highschool.

[ilikemangos]

sure he can do that, but he's still biologically connected to them, unlike a partner

[Drumlin2001]

Expect to play second fiddle to the kids. Don't meet the kids till you know it's going somewhere. Set expectations for level of communication early on.

[SeekerOfTruth007]

It's a pretty dumb move. You're going to be raising some other dudes kids for the rest of your life.

[Asker]

Just because you're dating doesn't mean you have to be involved with the child. A lot of single moms don't even allow you to meet their child until way later

[Tarifa]

Never try to take the place of the father. Kids will not see you that way, unless they're very young when you meet their mother.

[cora1]

I agree with this! If they’re young it’s pretty easy, but it’s hard as they get older because you’re an entirely new person in their life. I think boys specifically are much harder to get close to especially if they’re close to their dads.

[Twalli]

Hopefully, you're not her #1. If you are, she's not a good mom. Her kids should always be her #1, and you have to accept that. So, unlike a childless woman, she can't put you first, because there are more important people in her life.

[Hellraiser1984]

If you're going to date her her kids are part of it. If you don't want to deal with kids move on.

[shortster]

Most don't want to have more kids (maybe one); so if you want kids of your own they aren't worth your time.

[qwerty2469]

The reality is nobody will ever do it unless they have to.

[Asker]

What does that mean?

[qwerty2469]

It means if you are raising another mans kids and fucking a used car pussy you have no other options because you are either poor, ugly, a loser, or all of the above.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure, I never had any kind of date.

[In_Trance]

You will never be her first or top priority

[Bloodparadise]

Stop this