He committed to someone he told me not to worry about, now wants to have an affair with me?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

2 years ago I got into a long distance open relationship with an avoidant man, who hasn’t had a relationship last longer than 8 months in the last 10 years… We kept meeting up and traveling together, but when I expressed jealous about our open relationship, he told me he wasn’t ready for exclusivity , relationships and kids, especially with our distance…

He had another connection at the same time, closer distance, who he told me not to worry about as he was pursuing a future with me… Which he slowly demoted.

They seem to have stopped talking and just reunited recently after we had a massive fight during travel. He spent a New Year with her, she traveled to him and he committed to her. And told me today… And also told me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and doesn’t want to say goodbye to me, and that I need to make a choice… I told him I would make it easy for him and finish things to which he told me that was the last thing he wanted and that we have a very strong relationship and he will make sure his date doesn’t cause problems about us, but he needs to know that I still love him :)

What the hell is wrong with him? :)

I think at some point he left her for me to pursue a relationship with me… And now he committed to her and asks me to stay in his life? What is wrong with this man, first he wanted marriage with me, then not at all… Then stopped talking to her and then renewed and committed? Why do men do that?

I am kept wondering how is she better than me and if she is than why does he keep trying having emotional affair with me?

Updates

4 mo

He just committed to he 3 days ago and seems like they reconnected 2 months ago…

Updates

4 mo

I’m hurt, It’s very difficult for me but I have decided to step back from him and take distance.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. There is not necessarily anything better about her. perhaps something about her is more appealing TO HIM but that doesn't make her better.

2. What is wrong with him? The better question is :what is wrong with you?" You have tolerated this situation for two years, perhaps expecting him to change or for this to get better. Yes, he is a messed up guy, but this reflects poorly on you, also. You can't fix him but you CAN fix YOU, so focus on your role in this fiasco. . . and block him on every platform so you never again hear from him.

[lightbulb27]

That's as succinct as one can get.
Your 2026 is going to be amazing time of growth and maturity, if you learn and rise above this mess that is not serving you.

[dynamicyandere]

I agree. Well-said. 🥂

@lafemmefatale_1

He sounds like he’s playing mind games and wants to keep things ambiguous to avoid commitment while retaining sexual access.

I do not condone this manipulative behavior at all. But, the men that do this kind of thing simply want to use women and are more concerned about their own ego and gratification rather than the wellbeing of those they hurt in the process.

He’s bad news. Not worth your time. If he wanted something casual, he should have been upfront about that instead trying to play with your heart.

[MrOracle]

So, you choose to get involved with someone with serious commitment and boundary issues, and now you have problems with his commitment and boundary issues?

If you don't want messy, confusing, contradictory relationships, then it's your job to vet potential partners and disqualify anyone who lacks strong morals and values - which definitely includes having clear boundaries and enforcing them.

If you invite chaotic people into your life, you can't be surprised when your life becomes chaotic.

[Grond21]

Perfect. Pithy, and absolutely correct

[WellBye]

He doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone, that’s very clear. All he wants is to keep every dumb girl he can bang on the hook. Either you let him keep manipulating you, or you make a smart move and leave him, the choice is yours.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What makes you think he doesn’t want anything serious with her?

[lightbulb27]

Who cares? Why do you feel bad about losing? You aren't losing anything. he's damaged goods, it appears you want to be his savior? If he wants an open relationship, then go meet his mother and father... probably mother. That be a likely source for why he is so screwed up. But bring a recording so you can share it with a therapist. Probably no father to talk to. What you want to do is figure out why you are drawn into someone with this emotional energy, find those wounds in you that allow that, and heal those deep inner wounds (e. g. emotionally impacting programming in early life that was not love, losses). Maybe you are just a "care giver" person and he's the needy energy to your caring. Either way, it's a bad arrangement.
Detatch, diagnose. Do not get pregnant, do no revisit him, and detatch. The only thing left is evaluating how this happened and growing from it.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@lightbulb27 I have a father, very loving one who loves my mom a lot. I mainly grew up having problems with my mom who had a depression and showed intermittent love based on her mental energy each day, probably that’s why. Bit I love them both. I just think I got used to intermittent love as being normal.

[lightbulb27]

Isn't that interesting to you? Now you are drawn to it? Love and connection is very much about "familiarity", what was emotionally meaningful. your parents are the ones that demonstrate love to you...
so that makes a lot of sense, although you don't like it, you are pulled by it. fascinating.
I was really talking about his momma, but your life also relevant. there is a reason you are being a door mat here with the label "confused"...

[DishLady]

Uuuugh. This is a losing battle. Why would you have an affair? You’re worth more than that!

[ohsheeT]

Well it might be the way he says it is but the odds are he is married to her and likes having his cake and eating it to

In time the truth will always come out

And the more you stop and just listen the faster that seems to happen

Or maybe you could speed things up by telling him let's just make things easier for all three of you and you move I. With her.

This way he doesn't have to lie to the both of you any more

The truth will also come out if he is married to her.

And it does sound about right that all his other relationship only last about 8 months. Because that's about how long it takes before all the lies and then the other women enters in to play. It's kinda funny that the other relationships ended in 8 months. But the one with her doesn't.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He’s not married for sure… That I know. I know everything there is to know about him. :P

[ohsheeT]

I figured you did the romance you shared on here. And it was real and nice and out of the blue this happens

It makes me curious.\n What goes through a man's head when he is romancing somebody saying all the things that he did to you, but knowing in the back of his mind, that he's seen somebody else too, how can any of it be real? .

I mean, that's just makes me curious. That's, it's none of my business.\nI would just like to know the answers to that or what he's even thinking , but like I said , it's between you and him , not me lol

[Summeroflove]

Don’t. This is typical of cheaters they don’t make normal connections part of it is ego fluffing. Seeing if you’re still interested…. And well if you are it affirms his ego.

But these people aren’t loyal. He wasn’t loyal to you…. And obviously he isn’t loyal to the next person. This is the cycle these people go through and in the end. He will reap the consequences of his actions. You can reap them WITH him if you choose to. But I wouldn’t…

[Finchie40]

Do yourself a favor and move on from him , he doesn’t love you , he loves the convenience of you , by wanting his cake and eating it to , He is trying to manipulate you so he can have you and the other girl at the same time , and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other girls’ as well that he is trying to stick his dick into , So my advice to you is to dump his ass and find yourself a guy that just wants you before you end up with STD’s from his selfish actions

[AviatorTom]

He wants his cake and eat it too, a local relationship for convenience, and a distance relationship for excitement.

If that's what you're okay with...

[sawno]

I don't think she's better than you otherwise the choice would have been obvious and you'd have been discarded a long time ago. I think she is more practical than you with it being shorter distance and all. So he keeps flipflopping between it being with it to pursue you or just having her probably depending on how well each connection is going. Personally I wouldn't put up with this, he made his choice and wasn't open about it.

In my case it was a much healthier version where she first left the long distance due to not being able to handle it anymore, and then pursued someone local. That I do accept a return from. But had she done that during the relationship while lying to me about it the door would be closed.

[Staximus]

Nevermind all that long distance open relationship bullshit. When somebody says they want to open relationship, they are no longer worth any emotional investment. Why are you still worried and thinking about some wishy-washy idiot who won't commit to you and can't make up his mind about who or what he wants? Treat yourself better than that. You can have any guy you want. Go find one nearby that you can see whenever you want and move on with your life.

[Staximus]

Do you really want to be this guy's second place woman?

[Staximus]

Number two woman, second place in his heart and not worth committing to? You're better than that

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No… I just don’t understand why he didn’t choose me, if now he refuses to let me go… Eapecially that she too, was a second choice after me at some point and that’s why they broke it off in the first place?

By the way, thanks for your kind advice always.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I feel very bad, he got me into the relationship by talking me how he wanted marriage and kids with me in the beginning :)

[Staximus]

Any person that says they want to open relationship is not worth taking seriously

[Staximus]

The guy is a piece of shit

[Staximus]

He wants to keep you on the side in case it doesn't work out with the other girl

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That second girl is from Mexico and she seems really chasing him, she traveled to him to spend 2 weeks at his place, and she is a medical resident and her TikTok is full with Tarot and how to get US green card followings… I do not think she really loves him. Because why would she put all this effort into him after he left her once already?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We have been in this for 2 years… They had stopped talking for like 7-8 months until reconnecting recently. I hate feeling my like an option to the man who I was really committed to

[Staximus]

He told you he wanted an open relationship. That means he's not committing to you

[Staximus]

Tell this guy to go piss up a flagpole

[Staximus]

Why would you be committed to somebody who said they wanted an open relationship? He basically said he's not committing to you in the beginning

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He didn’t commit to that Mexican woman either… And then he did. So I feel like I lost.

[Staximus]

The only thing you lost was a piece of shit who played games and wouldn't commit to you

[Zack-Bann]

Long distance
Open
Two major red flags on their own.
Put together it’s a doomsday siren.


You didn’t have any relationships I’m sorry to say
You had a texting buddy that you got frisky with over the phone a few times a week


Don’t beat yourself up by him committing to someone else
What she has that you don’t is proximity.
She’s with him, you’re not


And him wanting to cheat on her with you is also a sign he was never mature enough to date to begin with


Either that or he doesn’t view texting you as anything more than texting a random person on the phone for fun and practice but with 0 impact on his own life


Best you find someone you’re physically close to and who doesn’t say things like “open relationship” but it’s the biggest scam of our modern age.
Believes me.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

She’s not with him either, she just travels to LA from Mexico more easily, I am in China.

[Zack-Bann]

Unfortunately that just means she’s closer than you are

Changes nothing

Unless you plan on relocating to LA there’s absolutely no point in worrying about the life of an LA guy.

Besides if it was “open” that just means he’s been with tons of girls while texting you anyway.

In all cases you’re wasting your time

You deserve better.

[msc545]

The very worst thing you can possibly do is to get further involved with the guy and the best way to take care of yourself is to get rid of him and keep him gone. What you described is an absolute mess and you don't want any part of this if you are considering your own welfare.

Sorry, I know that's very blunt but I don't know how else to say it clearly to you.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I know that’s what I’ve been doing past 2 weeks and he still resurfaced telling me how he started dating someone and how he loves me and cannot say goodbye to me… It hurts me so much, he has audacity to tell me I’ve been distant from him and he wants me to initiate more often. I mean… What’s wrong with him?

[msc545]

I really do not know what is wrong with him, but at first glance, I would say he is a psychopath. You should stay well away from him. Psychopaths are dangerous as hell.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What makes you think he is?

[msc545]

The behavior you described is pretty indicative of a psychopathy.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Why did he commit to her suddenly if he said he didn’t want exclusivity m?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

You thought my ex was psychopath too… Maybe I am just an idiot 😆 And I attract those

[msc545]

Because he wants what he wants from any woman he can get. In other words, he just wants sex from all of you. He will promise you anything you say you want, although you will never get it. That includes commitment, which he does not take seriously.

[msc545]

Very attractive women, and you are a very attractive woman, objectively, attract psychopaths like flies. You are not the first woman I've spoken to who has had this problem. It doesn't become a big problem until you actually fall for it.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No we fought during travel because he punished me for fighting with him by not having sex 🤣 Which was quite manipulative of him, meaning I fought with him about open relationship and he refused to have sex with me 3 days straight. Which made me even more upset. So it was me wanting sex. 🤣 Then finally we worked things out and talked it out and all went back to good.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He also has GAD. And takes antidepressants

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He blamed me for playing mind games. As he was insisting on having an open relationship w, I decided to give him his own medicine and flirted with 3 guys right in front of him on his birthday. After which he blamed me for trying to make him jealous and refused to have sex with me because he lost the mood.

[msc545]

It's not going to stay good. His behavior and his words are mutually incongruent.

[msc545]

Which antidepressant does he take?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Paxil. He also has Xanax just in case for rare occasions

[msc545]

Paxil kills libido. In fact, believe it or not, there was at one point law enforcement and probation here in California that were talking about using Paxil as a medication to give to probationers and child molesters that would kill their libido and also make them less depressed. I don't think it works for depression, but I know that it works damn well to kill libido. This is why we don't prescribe it anymore. Xanax works really well for anxiety, and it's also addictive as hell.

[msc545]

So I guess if he takes the Paxil, he probably won't want to have sex. And if he takes the Xanax, he'll be a really calm psychopath, but still a psychopath.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I know, that’s what he told me when I complained I didn’t feel loved if we didn’t have sex. He said he loves me, but the arguments lower his libido, which is already different from mine because he is 20 years older than me… I felt very bad that maybe I caused him to think he was not good enough for me or I wasn’t satisfied. As soon as we finally had sex I was happier and didn’t feel like arguing 😄 He doesn’t take Xanax, he takes it extremely rarely, if he cannot go to sleep… He’s very muted person, his emotions are muted… I am the intense one, I think in fact he chose that woman from Mexico because she likely is not the one with high libido, doesn’t argue, just idealizes him as a man who is handsome, successful living by the beach and a doctor, while she herself is a resident… And probably she also wants an easy way out of Mexico, otherwise why would she keep visiting him, I don’t know. But I feel hurt she got what she wanted and got the man I loved with his bad and good… Who, still tells me he loves me and can’t let me go… I am sad. I love him too, and I feel bad we argued, I was just feeling insecure with him wanting open relationship and sex just once in 3 days… But now that I understand I feel bad I might have hurt him. Especially with flirting with other guys in front of him on his birthday…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

The thing is I express and receive love through physical touch and I felt unloved without it… I think I made him feel humiliated by making a huge deal out of it though… I feel so bad…

[msc545]

Find somebody else. This isn't going to work out. The longer you keep at it, the more you're going to get hurt.

[lightbulb27]

you are likely right, he experienced intensity with you and the other one pacifies him. but he's not stable thinking. it's not so hard to understand... a concept I heard long ago "the broken parts of me love the broken part of you".
Definitely get out, only explor this for educational purposes.
not just move on, spend time diagnosing this internally, heal your inner wounds from early life... find how this guy relates to childhood hurts, heal those, get to a new energy level, and start over. sick love is not love. There is no commitment here, nothing real, no real life. it's all a thriller movie.

you didn't ask but telling you based upon experience.
yours is one of the most interesting posts in a long time, this site been a real sleeper... lol!

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@lightbulb27 I feel guilty… But now we are even, he hurt me more, at least I didn’t get into a relationship with someone else, even though I have 101 roses on my desk right now sent by another guy and another guy coming down with cup of tea when I am playing down on the swing in the neighborhood. I have options too, I have flirted but never pursued, because I genuinely loved this selfish of a man.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@lightbulb27 haha, I am happy at least my life’s entertaining lol.
Seems like I’ve been missed :)

[lightbulb27]

:-) Why did you love him, what was this love? how does he related to your early life? I think you touched on it.
you've got some time to sort this out... a lot of learning occurs in 30's.

[BadApple69]

First off being in a “open” relationship is problem 1. When you are out there sampling all the pretty ladies the possibility that he finds someone better is easier. The truth is she might not even be better, she is just closer. He is asking you to stay on as second fiddle is typical. Men getting sex from someone they don’t want it to stop.
This is all up to you, but I say dump him and the next guy don’t be so willing to share him.

[lightbulb27]

That first paragragh is one hell of a read.

If I say something to you, are you going to listen? I would explain some things very simple, as I understand them, and based upon your past history.

Dang, this guy has two of them on the hook playing with them like they are toys.

[lightbulb27]

Read below because it's a psych thriller, better than any movie, which I don't watch.

Sure sex is great because mystery and distance builds suspense. you don't live with him, he's not even a real human but a fantasy human and for some reason you want to win him and save him. That's on you to diagnose yourself.
This is no good, end it, block, therapy again...

The problem is if it keeps going, it gets worse, the pain gets worse, the consequences more severe.
You should not be treated like this, he is a pile of crap. If he's a pile of crap that is not working hard to figure himself out, you have no business being around him. In fact, you'd be enabling his bad behavior.

When you leave and drop him, he will suffer, but that's good. I know that makes you want to stay because you got a hook in him. Don't, leave and break the bond. It's sick. You both need to define this word "love" because what you say and what it means is different.

That's my opinion.
To answer your question, for some reason, he cannot let you go and is content playing with you. He can't lose you and he can't commit to you... or he's just playing games. He's double minded, unstable, screwed up, because of... we don't know. It be in his past development and conditioning. Below, I point to momma as a good guess. So call up momma. Or talk to his Dr/therapist, that will be revealing... but only educational. I'm sorta joking because you should not be talking to him, not without someone in your camp to keep you away.

[lightbulb27]

ps you said below he has anxiety. there you go... he cannot make a decision, that's another option. He can't lose this one or that one, so he rides the fence and tries to keep both. I've seen scenarios like that. he's just not a stable person. Frankly, anyone taking meds for their brain, that is a problem. red flag for unresolved emotional problems.

Beyond your skill level to solve, not without a lot of suffering.

[OneViewpoint]

The question is what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you still having any conversation with this fucked up guy who lied to you? And why are you having a conversation about being his side piece in particular?

[lightbulb27]

Exactly. Because "the broken parts of me love the broken parts of you". It's twisted "love".

[spartan55]

I hate to say I told you so, but this has played out exactly like I said.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I hate to say but you were right…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Why did he commit to her though?

[spartan55]

I don't have any idea. Sorry you are hurting.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Isn’t it funny he committed to exact same Mexican woman he told me not to worry about and he left earlier last year?

[spartan55]

Doesn't surprise me at all.

[MikeTheBartender]

Sex addiction, narcissist, machiavellianism, and psychopathy. I was once the same asshole.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We don’t have sex, we are long distance, whenever we have sex though it’s amazing, he has told me he usually never has had as much sex as he had with me while we were together.
And he loves my high libido and open mind, but obviously I am far… And he kind of keeps me for emotional connection I guess. As is being long distance, we’ve been mainly emotionally close to each other, Isn’t it an emotional affair?
Why did he commit to her instead of me if he can’t let me go?
I feel bad for both of us, but more for me, because he still tells me he loves me and can’t lose me and I love him too, as much as it hurts.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

As for sex addiction, I am more of an addict than he is :) He has jokingly called me a sex addict before 🤣 It’s because I love him. I am demisexual.

[MikeTheBartender]

"he has told me he usually never has had as much sex as he had with me while we were together"

I used the same line on women.

Isn’t it an emotional affair?
Yes. And he would cheat on this girl physically as well, but not just with you. With any girl that excited him.

Why did he commit to her instead of me if he can’t let me go?
Because he has codependency issues. And he doesn't let you go because we keep all of our options opened.. in the peak of my asshole days I had two cell phones, and like 7 or 8 social media accounts, I didn't really tell women we were exclusive but I painted the illusion that I listed for them, and they were my number 1.

He didn't commit to you and spent new years w her. Don't ever give your attention and time to someone who doesn't give back equally. Just the opinion of someone who cheated and fucked over many women (regretfully now)

[NathanDavis]

as I said it back then...

he was bad news from the very beginning... and all the signs were there

now it's just more of the same

[lilBigPotato]

Waste of time, move on.

Also don't go in an open relationship where the guy is already with someone else expecting him to commit only to you. It was a mistake from the beginning if that's what you hoped for.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He wasn’t with her. I was the first one he met, but we were long distance. She was closer. And appeared later on.

[lilBigPotato]

Still, that moment you realized that open relationships aren't for you and he refused to commit, it was clear where this is going.

Take some lessons from this and move on. No point in wasting any more time or energy on this. Best to get over your ex is to find someone new.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am hurt that he gave her something he never gave me - exclusive relationship.

[love_conquers_lust]

You deserve and CAN GET better than that. You don't need to waste your time on half commitments.

[Iron_Man]

You’ve got to be kidding me it’s a big mistake being a backup quarterback to a man that already has a serious relationship with a girl

[WhitneySnow]

He wants both of you. Dump this guy.

[Cute_User513]

Agreed!

[Anonymous]

You should leave him and marry someone that wants to get married

[DJB72]

Walk away lady. You can do a million times better.

[Yellovv]

Maybe he want to make sex with you only without relationship..

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We are long distance haha, so sex is out of option right now :)

[Yellovv]

Are you talking about sex with him or not?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No… But when we had sex it was good. He has shared me things he has never shared with others. Not even with his girlfriend.

[Yellovv]

Do you mean sex chat? Because you said long distance relationship

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Not sex chat.

[Yellovv]

Do you mean you had sex with him?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes! We were dating

[Anonymous]

That's not really fair to you.

[Anonymous]

That has happened to me too

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

How did it end? It is so difficult…

[Opinion Owner]

It’s not over

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t know how it will end

[lightbulb27]

Text from Girl: "I deserve better than this. I'm ending the relationship".
Guy: But wait, I love you don't leave
Text from Girl: "You had your chance, move on"
BLOCK

[msc545]

@lightbulb27 that's all fine and well, but there is really no point in doing all this because even if she blocks him, it's just all going to happen again with some other guy. This is a monotonously repeating pattern.

[lightbulb27]

@msc545 Correct, until the woman has reprogrammed her sub conscious heart/mind to resolve the deeper emotions that resonate with this kind of person rather than deflecting them quickly, patterns repeat. Standard normal human... she was programmed as a child and now needs re programmed, to get what she wants. "Love" is resolving itself. But is there effective counseling/therapy out there that does that... reasonably effectively when the person is open to it?
And you would agree, this is not an intellectual thing... it's emotional at it's core?
A lot of women would puke and run from thsi guy... and I'm sure they have. She craves him... because he reminds her of the love she received. It seems as simple as that. So in essence, it's a self worth issue... to me.
That's how I read it, Im not licensed so I can share my view. I realize you may be limited in what you can say.

PS these kinds things happen, more than you might think... there's nothing "wrong" with you. There's a lot wrong with the world that you have been exposed to as you grew and it seems normal..."good"... but it's not and have to deal with to get what you want. Part of that is reflecting upon yourself and growing out of conditioning that no longer serves you.