My boyfriend is planning to study abroad although he promised me not to before we got together

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months. We were from the same university, that's where we got to know each other. I was at the end of my 3rd semester, and he was in his last semester when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed. But I told him about my insecurities, I warned him about how paranoid I am when it comes to long distance relationships beforehand. A few days passed, and he confessed to me, he wanted to study abroad. I was really disappointed. I told him that if that's what he wanted for his future, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him, at least not at that moment in time. In a way, I told him I didn't want to go on with the relationship if he really wanted to study abroad. After a few hours of talking, he told me that he'll just pursue his studies inside the country. Since then, I have asked him a couple of times if he'd go study abroad if he got the chance to, and he'd always reply with 'no, I promised you I wouldn't, and I don't want to'. I haven't asked that in a while now. Anyway We've been together for 8 months. And I have to say. We're perfect for each other. I mean, we're both the jealous type. So in a way, we both know how to not overstep boundaries when it comes to socializing and stuff. We've met each others' families. And we're friends with each others friends. We even have each others' emails and Facebook passwords. We don't usually check each others accounts for no reason, but we do so once in a while. And while I was checking his email just now, I noticed an email from a website which offers visas for students to study in New Zealand. The place where he said he wanted to go. So I'm just really disappointed and sad at the moment. First about him not telling me. Secondly is because he told me multiple times that he doesn't want to study abroad anymore. Third, is because he made a promise not to go, BEFORE we got together. He knows he's at stake of losing this relationship. Doesn't this mean anything to him anymore?

And If he does go, what should I do? I mean, surely, he'll be begging for us to stay together. But I know I just cant. I haven't asked him about the email yet. I'm really lost right now. Please help.

[likesexontoast]

ok first of all, I don't think you shouldn't be mad/disappointed at him. its fairly clear that going abroas is his dream and people don't just forgot their dreams that easily. personally, id never be able to live with myself knowing I got in the way of someone else's dream, esp someone I care for. not tryin to be mean, but it seems like your thinkin too much about yourself right now and how you feel. try and put yourself in his shoes, at conflict between his dream/once in a lifetime experience and his relationship which he obviosuly cares for.

now to the main point, I really recommend you let him go. it will be hard and upsetting, of course, but I assure you it is for the best. if he stays because of you, I guarantee he will eventually feel bitter deep down at you, and if (hypotheticaly) you guys hit any bad turns, this will always be in the back of his mind, adding to any animousity towards you.

i realize your insecutites about long-distance, but its just something you have to deal with, face and overcome them like any other fear. I had a friend who saw a well-repsected therapist about a similar long-dist. problem, and she said the best thing was to break up while theyre apart. you can't let his or your own life be put on hold because of the relationship. if you guys are truly perfect and meant to be, then no matter who else(if anyone) either of you meets while he's away, it will not feel the same. and when he's back, you can get together again, confident in the fact that your meant to be with each other and more secure and happy with the relationship than ever.

[Asker]

I do feel that way. I didn't want to get in the way of his dreams. That's why I kept telling him to go when we had that talk, 8 months ago. I told him the relationship can wait. Idk. I would have probably waited for him then. But now, if he can't keep the promise he made to me, I can't see how I can trust him with any other promises in the future. And no offence, but what your friend had to go through is exctly wht I don't want to happen because it happened to me before and I know how it hurts.

[likesexontoast]

oh right.i understand you being upset that he didn't take the opp back then, but it mustve been because he TRULY loved you that he tried his best to forget about his goals in order to be with you. so, if he goes nd comes back, he'll still love you and be with you. I don't think you should lose all your trust in him, it sounds like he genuinly did intend to keep his promise, but eventually couldn't forget about his goals.its clear you guys are very serious and truly love each other, maybe just try think of

[Anonymous]

Well, it sounds like you haven't talked to him about it yet, so that's the first thing you need to do.

He may have been looking it up for other reasons, or maybe he's just thinking about it again and hasn't made a decision. Or, he may have changed his mind and does want to go. I know he promised that he wouldn't go, but it is his life, so he's allowed to change his mind about that.

If he's changed his mind, then you have to make a decision on what's right for you. If you can't stay in a relationship with him if he goes, tell him that. He might decide he doesn't want to go because of that. Or he might decide he still does.

I know this is probably very difficult on you, but sometimes people decide that they need to pursue their dreams over having a relationship. Although, to be honest, I think it was stupid of him to make that promise to you BEFORE the two of you were even dating.

[Asker]

that's the whole reason why I'm really disappointed right now. I know studies are important. Heck, I'd go chase my dreams too. But the thing is right now, he made a promise, and a commitment to me. I told him to go 8 months ago. We won't be together for now, but I told him that if he comes back and we're still unattached, Id be more than happy to be with him. It just feels unfair if he decides to go now.

[Opinion Owner]

You're right, it is unfair. This is why I'm not one to make very many promises. Sometimes, at the time, it seems right to promise something, but over time or after further thought, our feelings about the matter can change. And sometimes, no matter how much we care about another person, we have to do what we feel is right for ourselves.

[Asker]

I guess you're right, thank you, I'll probably ask him about this tomorrow. I just hope both of us can get through this without affecting the relationship.

[InquisitiveMale]

You were completely honest with him right from the start. I can also however, see his point of view. You're both right but he is also wrong for not being honest with you about it. I sympathize with you. It's a tough situation. What insight I can however give you is something you already know. He is going to go study abroad and if he doesn't, it will be on your account, and it's going to reflect negatively on the relationship.

The way I'm seeing things, you have one of two options, you ether accept the fact he is going to study abroad and you try to make things work. or you let him go, and hope maybe he comes back to you sometime in the future.

Ether way, if you really care about him, you would encourage him to go. Sometimes we just have to let the good ones go free. It's not always about ourselves (I've got personal experience here... I helped pay for one of my ex's to go away to Australia to study. Sounds f***ed up I know but it was the right thing to do).

[Asker]

I want to encourage him. I really do. But at the same time, I have a feeling that I know how it's going to be like. But nonetheless, thank you for you opinion on this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but if a girl ever told me I couldn't do something, I would immediately break up with her. That's just grounds for expulsion right there, no matter how hot or nice she is. It's MY life, not YOURS. You sound selfish!

[Asker]

I am selfish. That's why I warned him beforehand about not being able to deal with long distance relationships. I gave him a choice to leave ME for that moment in time and go with his dreams right when he told me he wanted to study abroad. I gave him all the freedom in the world, 8 months ago, when he told me he wanted to study abroad. But he told me that studying abroad doesn't really mean anything if he didn't have me in his life. That was just a few days after we got together. So yeah.

[Opinion Owner]

Who wants to be with a selfish person?

[Asker]

Well, now that you've asked, my boyfriend, apparently. =_=

[Opinion Owner]

Good thing it's not me then!