My Guy Friend And I Were Close But Now He's Distant?

[Anonymous]

I've known the guy over a year. Its common knowledge that I don't date and I always repeat it to people who are just getting to know me so that if they do end up with feelings for me, they know its a dead end. Well, we eventually became close and he did admit that he had a thing for me. Naturally I told him that I didn't want those feelings to come between our close friendship and that I wanted us to carry on as we had been. So for months after him admitting he liked me, we still remained close and would lay together and watch movies and comment on all kinds of various subjects.

A close friendship was something that I had been looking for and I thought we were fairly content. I thought that if I were attentive enough, that he wouldn't feel the need to leave. But eventually he stopped staying over and although I continued to text and message him as per usual, his replies became more and more brief, if my messages were even answered at all. I didn't understand why he was distancing himself like this when I had told him to tell me if our relationship began to bother him in any way.

Then he began getting closer to another friend of his, also a girl, but apparently neither of them like each other whatsoever in a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of way. This has been proven many times. So, why then were they becoming nearly as close as him and me had been. I don't understand that. That close friendship that they have now is exactly what I had wanted between us. All of my friends tell me that he still likes me but no matter how hard I try to reestablish our close connection, I don't feel like I'm getting through.

It could be that he's mad at me for not being the dating sort. It could be that once it sunk in that I wasn't going to date him, spending time with me was no longer worth the effort. But why then would he create a close friendship with another girl solely for friendship? Its can't be rebound. There's no attraction there. This is where I get confused.

Updates

+1 y

Note: I've been attempting to bridge this gap for months. This is not necessarily recent.

[Hercules]

It's pretty much impossible (though I've seen it happen, maybe once) for a close relationship between opposite sexes to exist when there is an one-sided attraction. It sounds like he and this girl don't like each other, but get along well, so they can keep a non-awkward relationship.

[omgomg]

What do you suppose him to do? Stay as friends with you, while he know he has no chance with you? The more he talks to you, the more he will fall in love with you. He we only get more and more hurt. Do you want that to happen to him? Give him some time to get over you.

[Asker]

He's being a dumbass and an asshole just like all men are dumbasses and assholes. How, might you ask? Well men lack the ability to see the gray areas, much less live in the gray areas. All they see is black and white. (Black and white meaning dating or not dating as opposed to gray being close friendships). If you take away a mans chance of ever having sex again, he'll panic and refuse to be in such a relationship. Therefore, no matter how righteous a man is, he is run by his dick and is a dick.

[omgomg]

Lol, you missed the point. I mean, that's what he's thinking. It's not black and white, it's cause he can't face the pain of likeing you so badly that if she gets to know you more, he is scared that he can't stop. He's not being an ass, he's trying to protect his feelings. At least he can, I fail at that.. And it just hurt ALOT MORE. Cause I fallen too deep.

[Asker]

But if he's receiving plenty of affection and attention, and is being cared for, doesn't that sate that emotional need to be liked in turn? The only difference between a deep, intimate friendship and being lovers is merely sex. So, in all technicality, his emotional needs should be being met.

[omgomg]

Well, I understand why you would think the difference is only sex and that techincality true. And, still people fall in love, have lovers. The diffrence is, you can have many friends, however, most people only have one lover. One more question you should ask yourself, do you treat your lovers differently?

[Asker]

I don't have lovers, nor do I intend to. Its part of that no dating thing mentioned above. I think, what I'm trying to explain, is that this friendship would serve the purpose of the relationship with a spouse or a lover, but without the sex. And this isn't the type of friendship that you have more than one of. I just don't think that that sort of intimate friendship could be easily replicated.

[omgomg]

So, let let me get this straight, this relation is the same asa lover sans the sex. Does that mean you also like him? Also, may I ask you why you do not intent to find a lover?

[Asker]

Well I'm emotionally connected to him in some ways. I can't say that the friendship is like a casual friendship. And I can't say that I love him because of my particular views as to what love is. I believe in that crazy elusive love only known in myth, the one where Everything about them is perfect to you, their looks and personality flaws. Since I only find certain aspects of his physical appearance sexy, then this isn't that sort of love. And since I don't want sex, I don't want a lover.

[omgomg]

If you believe that being perfect is a myth, then why do you still care about his phyiscal apprance. Isn't his emotional connect better than that? So, you say that you can't be inlove with him because of your views. What constuited your views? have you loved soemone before?

[Asker]

I'm just saying that the perfection that I've envisioned of male beauty and brain most likely isn't out there, so the only person that could make me completely incandescently happy doesn't exist because its asking too much. To lower my expectations would result in my unhappiness in the long run, but having a close friendship lives just outside the realm of all of this love crap, so I can be fairly happy and content in this way. The things that formed my views would take pages to write.

[omgomg]

I am able to see your viewpoint now and the problem now is your friend's views. Your views differ from the social norm which your friend believes in. lpt in unhaHe believes you are perfect for him so therefore he wants to create a exclusive relation between the two of your. However, you believe that lowering your epectation will only result in unhappiness in the long run. The problem you have is very hard to fix because he is closing his heart to you to protect himself from more pain.

[omgomg]

The only real path you have left of getting your friend back is to give him time and forget his love about you and then after that, you can resume your friendship. Or, you can choose to risk something, accept this relationship, as you said, it a myth that there`s a perfect guy, why won`t you try and accept his flaws if he is so valuable to you

[Asker]

I can certainly keep this type of friendship exclusive. Its a difficult sort of thing and I definitely don't have the kind of energy to have more than one really deep friendship, or the trusting skills for that matter. One thing I do know about myself, however, is that I am extremely possessive and if I ever expected him to be exclusive to me, I would own his soul and never allow a separation. I'm evil like that. Should I talk to him explaining my views?

[Asker]

I don't mind keeping the relationship exclusive, this kind of close friendship I'm going for isn't meant for everyone. Its just that if I were to expect him to be exclusively mine, I would end up owning his soul and there would be no distancing himself from me or separating himself from me ever. Another reason why I don't date I suppose, this inability to let go EVER. lol So, do you think I should talk to him about this, and if so, how do I go about it?

[omgomg]

LOL, Ok, I'll tell you something evil.... >.>... Honeslty, you should not overwhelm him upfront. I have a Cousin who is so in love with a guy that, he has almost full control over her, in a good away >.>. She cannot talk to guys on msn, they have to stand over a 1 away, she has to sleep early, drink water, Sretch, etc So, how does he do it? First, he gradully, one by one, add more "control" over, slowly, using each event as opprunitunity to control her more. He was very leint in his ways at firs

[omgomg]

Then, later on, when he caught him talking to a guy that she used to like; that's when he started disalllowing her to talk to guys on msn. And so on.. So the moral of the story? Do it slow, like he doesn't know XD

[Asker]

But but...I've been trying over the course of a few months and I'm just not seeing results. Sometimes it looks like there's some progress, but then it takes a step back again. You think I should wait to confront him with the issue? Cause I think he may be too friggin dense to see it otherwise.

[omgomg]

What have you been trying for the course of the few months? Form a tighter bond between him and you for you to possiblilbily be in a relation, or do you mean your control over him?

[Asker]

Get closer again. I just don't think he's the type of person to who'll be at my beck and call if I stop talking to him. He's so literal that he'll probably take it as proof that I don't want to be near him and give me even more space. Oiy. I've been told by several friends that he supposedly didn't want to bother me so he kept his distance and so on. I've also experimented with not talking to him when I'm online and only once did he respond during those experiments.

[omgomg]

Don't play mind games with the one you like, especially the ones that like you. You will only gettign both of you hurt. If you've been hearing from friends that he's distancing himself to give you more space, you have to be the one that starts the conversation again. Do not just sit idlelly(can't spell) waiting for him the start. He can't.

[Asker]

Yup, doing that. Its just that the conversations are never deep enough to talk about the actual issues at hand. So no playing coy, right? Okay, so any ways to bring the conversation into more pressing subject matter?

[omgomg]

You don't have to always flow into a deep convsersation state. You've been close for a long enough time, you can just do a simple. Can I ask you a question? statment. It's more direct, sure, but u've known him long enough to be comfortable to do something like that. Sometimes, you haveto control how the conversation flows. Remember, simple is sometimes the best way. Ps: Remember, he is a guy =), keep things Straight forward XD

[Asker]

Right, direct. -dies- I'm just so scared now to talk to him like that since he seems so distant. Like he's reverting back to that barely know you stage, you know? I suppose I could give that a try though, if I grow some balls to do it. I'm very inhibited and being direct can be a bitch. Subtle stuff has always been my thing, unless important news or what have you.

[omgomg]

I REPEAT, EVEN IF IT'S AWKWARD. KEEP A SIMLE DO NOT MAKE IT SEEM AWkWARD, it's hard to come back from that, make it seem like, nothing has happen, yes it hard, but if things start getting awkward, it'll just get worse.. One way to start, is to build ur relationship over again on msn because you won't have to see him and it will be more relaxed.

[Asker]

So grow balls and acting skills. Gotcha. I suppose I could try to envision what it was like before all of this shit and pretend for the conversation to make him more comfortable. Argg, if only the beginnings of the friendship weren't so blurry I'd have more to go on. Oh, I see him every Tuesday for our friends game night, so what should I do for those days?

[omgomg]

Lessen the distance that you two you have as much as possible when you talk on MSN. It's good you have a day with him everyday. But, if I'm right.. you see him tmr, not much time x.x. So, what you have to do is, put a simle on, and it will come naturally, don't force anything. You know you two match, so it will flow. =) Don't try too hard, just let it flowwwwwwwwww =D

[Asker]

Let it flow and try to be direct. Control the conversation. Don't make it awkward. Okay then, I shall try that a wee bit tonight at game night and see how that goes over.

[omgomg]

K, I wish you good luck =D

[Asker]

Alright, well I didn't get a chance to really talk to him but I was able to get him to hug me like twice. I decided to go the cutsie put my arms in the air for a hug route and see what happens. Also, during the nights procession, he did get up and stand near me (just near enough to be in touch range if I reached over) and when I reached over and scratched the underside of his jaw, he even tilted his head into it. Later, he tentatively scratched my back a little. I think he's opening up a bit. ^^

[omgomg]

The cutise hug metod is the best XD, You're almost there!! =)

[Asker]

Squeee! I'm excited! -dances- Sadly he had to leave early cause his ride wasn't feeling good. What I really need to do, is be able to set it up so we can hang out outside of game night. Been a long time though.

[omgomg]

=), I think this questions has no continuing relvance to what we are talking about. However, if you need advise, just message me here or something anytime! I'll try to the best of my abilities. Though, it seems like you got it down already =P. Congratz.. Anyways, it's good that ur taking a chance, I hope everything works well for you =)