If your mom was dating a douche bag...

[Anonymous]

What would you do?

My mom met a guy on Match.com 4 months ago. He gave her a fake name at first, he said because he had a stalker from Match and he liked to be extra cautious. On their 3rd date, she spent the night at his house. 3 months later, she found out his real name. So, this guy was sleeping with my mom for 3 months before he told her his real name. He's known her real name, her maiden name, and her married name since day one.

On their 5th date, he asked her to drive to his house instead of him picking her up. Ever since, she's been coming to him. She drives 20 minutes at night, sometimes in the middle of the night, to come home from his house. And he doesn't seem to care that he's asking her to do this. She drives to his house on Friday night and comes home in the middle of the night on Sunday. Her boyfriend knows she has to get up at 5 to take my brother and sister to school, but he doesn't care.

He came to our house to meet myself and my siblings on their 2nd date. He hasn't made an effort to come here since.

He also gave my mom Starbucks giftcards and told her to go get the two of them coffee and bring it to his house whenever she felt like it during the week. Really? He can't get off his lazy ass and bring her coffee to her house? She ends up bringing him coffee at least 2 days a week.

He has also made some rude comments about her kids. For instance, my 16 year old sister has a boyfriend she just started dating. My mom's boyfriend told my mom that all my sister's boyfriend wants to do is get in my sister's pants and that my sister is going to get pregnant. He actually jokes about this happening. When in reality, my sister is a virgin and tells me everything, and even the fact that they both decided their not going to go that far.

My younger brother is the most angry about everything. He has a lot of issues because our dad died and my mom never got us counseling. And he's not afraid to voice his opinion. My mom had stayed over at her boyfriend's house for 3 days over spring break. This pissed my brother off because we never get to see my mom anymore anyway, so he called her and her boyfriend answered. My brother said "I don't need your bullsh*t. I just wanna talk to my mom." I'll admit he shouldn't have used that language, but my mom's boyfriend lost his temper and said "I'm gonna come over there and kick your a** you little f*cker." My mom just sat there and let this man talk to her son that way. Then, my mom's boyfriend texted my brother telling him he needs Prozac.

My mom's boyfriend also made a comment that my mom should have aborted my brother before he became a problem. My mom told me this and laughed about it.

I feel like this guy just wants my mom all to himself. My mom is very needy and trusting and it has gotten her into trouble before, so this isn't that surprising. She is also emotionally immature, so she thinks like a 16 year old. This makes it worse.

What can I do?

Updates

+1 y

I also want to add that my mom doesn't work, so she's home being bored when she's not with this guy. She also stopped talking to her best friend (only friend) when she started dating him. My mom, sister, and I used to have girls days, but she sacrifices them to be with him every Saturday for the last 4 months. She told my grandma that she's falling in love with him. And she told my sister recently that he is looking at houses for them to move into together...after 4 months together.

[Stacyzee]

Your mother obviously lacks self esteem and has poor judgement skills.

Not only did your mom meet someone from the Internet which can be completely dangerous, but she slept with him right away.

She needs to be a parent and set better examples for her children, and by her doing this I don't see that at all.

I can't really blame this guy she is with for his behavior.

People will only do what you allow them to do.

They will get has far has they'd like with it, if there are no boundaries.

Your mom allows herself to be a doormat to this guy, so why should he feel guilty about the way he is treating her? If she doesn't say any different.

Your mom is allowing a grown man to threaten a underage teenage boy, (and doesn't step in and let them know in this situation, they both are wrong and are going overboard).

She just sits down and lets whatever happens happen.

It seems has though although your mom has physically moved on from the relationship of your father (may his soul rest in peace). She has not mentally.

She probably doesn't realize this guy is mistreating her, and is using him has a void to fill because your father is no longer there.

He may be bad.

He may not be the best guy.

He may be rude.

He may be disrespectful.

But to her, anything feels better than being alone,

Even if that means being mistreated.

Your mother needs counseling or therapy, to learn ways and techniques to deal with the lost of your father. (Not just individual counseling, but may I suggest family counseling). Since you all are going through this.

This is the time when you all should come together, and share the hurt and pain.

It's OK to cry.

It's OK to be angry.

It's OK to hurt.

It's OK to be upset.

You aren't alone.

Your mother isn't dealing with the death of her husband, which is why this has triggered a complete personality change.

You need to come together with your brother, and even her BFF (if you can), and let her know how her actions are affecting everyone all around you.

Good luck.

[Asker]

I agree the issue is my dad. He died actually 5 years ago. She hasn't been the same since. Her behavior has just escalated. She got involved with a married man in the summer and I went to therapy because of it. The therapist helped me deal with that and my dad's death also. I never told my mom because she would make fun of me for going. I've casually mentioned to her that our family would be better off with counseling, but she's in denial that anything is wrong at all, especially with herself.

[Stacyzee]

You need to form some type of intervention with loved ones who also notice this. If you choose to do this, try not to be defensive and let her know what a wonderful person she used to be and that you miss. I'm sure if she sees that everyone is saying the same thing about her, she will realize she is the problem.

[Asker]

I would love to try an intervention, but she doesn't listen and I've always been able to get through to her better by writing to her so I can get everything out. Do you think it would help if my brothers, my sister, and I, and even my aunt and grandma write letters to her and leave them with her when no ones home? Then maybe she can marinate in everything and hopefully see she needs help

[Stacyzee]

Yes which ever way you think you can get through to her, try it

[pipeline78]

He’s smart your mom is having fun. He pays for the coffee why can’t she go get it. No doubt your sisters boyfriend wants her ass if not he’d be hanging with his friends just honesty. This guys has control of his life he wants sex he has no responsibility to have anything to do with her kids. This is what men should do any move closer to y’all wastes his time and causes him drama

[Talynted]

Oh my... You need to try to have a serious talk with her without making her feel threatened. Remember body language. Don't fold your arms or cross your legs when you talk to her. Let her know how upset you are that you feel she deserves much better than this loser she's with and she deserves to be treated with way more respect. The guy is also very disrespectful about her children - hello! Deal breaker! Can your brother see a counselor in school? Many schools where I live have them available for students. Is your mom into crafts? Something to keep her away from the internet... Let her know how much all of you "kids" care about her and want to see her happy, but this guy isn't working for any of you. I can't believe how horrible he sounds. I hope it works out.

[KJT6989]

Sounds like your mom is the one with the problem! Hate to say it! You're taking the easy way out and blaming the boyfriend! Your mother is making poor choices! She is choosing a man over her kids!

[HandsomeRaj]

What would I do? hmmmm ...

1. I'd be glad that this guy's not making passes at me

2. The whole scenario reminds me of the movie 'Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief' (2010 - link

3. I'd obviously tell my mom to stay away from him

4. I'd list down things i.e. his positives and negatives with proof, dates etc and show them to her

5. If she still persists on being with him, I'd request her not to get him home

6. If she still gets him home or is with him then I will respect her psychology and needs while letting it be as it is - she'll learn or something about him makes her happy so I'll let her be happy

7. If he continues coming around to the house and winds up judging and interfering, I'd go to the cops and find ourselves foster homes ;) - serious

I don't want to write stuff judging your mother - you asked what I'd do and I listed an exact process I'd follow :)

Good luck to you and your siblings :)

[martyfellow]

You have to adjust to your mom having a new guy in her life. Naturally there will be friction with the rest of the family. You can't bring your Dad back, and your mom has a right to start seeing guys...none of them are going to be 'perfect.' And none will be like your Dad.

I know it's hard to accept all that, but for the sake of your Mom, you should do your best to get along with the new guy. Obviously she cares a lot for him.

That may mean you see a little less of her.

.But, on the plus side, she will be a happier person, and will be a better Mom, if you let her seek her happiness..and not try to sabotage it or make her miserable with your complaining all the time.

[MikeGaultier]

There's a 16 year old in the house and a brother who I'm assuming is under 18. Mom's boyfriend threatened him? Looks like your mom's boyfriend opened the door for you to allow the authorities to step in. Disclaimer: May not end will for either party.