I regret telling my boyfried I kissed another guy. Why do I feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year now. We are very close and love each other very much. He is my first serious long term boyfriend,

Back in October, I went away to school and we were doing long distance. At this point, we had only been dating for 3 months. We got into a fight one night and I went out with my college friends. I got very very drunk and kissed another guy. It was only for a few seconds and I pushed him away and told him no and to stop because I had a boyfriend. I don't know the guy, I don't even know his name or remember his face.

Anyways, I thought to myself, we had only been dating for 3 months, it's not that serious, the kiss didn't mean anything so it doesn't matter. Well...fast forward 7 months and all of a sudden it started mattering that I kept it from him. I was having nightmares and felt guiltier the closer we got. I finally decided to tell him the other day. He was so pissed off. He was so upset and angry the whole night. The next day he was still mad but we talked it out and now everything is fine.

I feel like I should have never said anything though because it didn't matter and now I feel like it does matter. I brought up something from so long ago and although it doesn't seem to be affecting him very much, it affects me that he knows. Maybe it's because I gave myself up and I feel "caught" and feel ashamed. I'm not really sure.

Sorry to rant but I need some help making sense of this so I can feel better. Thanks for any input!

[VoiceOfReason]

Not to sound like the moral police or anything, but shouldn't you have regret kissing the guy more so than regretting being truthful to your boyfriend?

First off, being in a fight doesn't give you immunity to go out and do things that would otherwise hurt or jeopardize your relationship. There will always be a difference of opinion, misunderstandings, disagreements and misinterpretations that can provoke an argument.

The key is how you handle these situations. It's best to work these situations out where as to get some sort of understanding, agreement and compromise. When you storm out and get drunk, not only does it NOT resolve the issue you have. In fact quite often it either further complicates things or creates new problems, such as the one you're having now.

You stated you were very very drunk, but you still have responsibilities, not just within the relationship, but to yourself. It is a very unfortunate reality that getting so drunk where it affects your judgment or physical capabilities not only predisposes you to make irrational decisions like allowing the kiss to happen in the first place. It also puts your safety, health and possibly your life in jeopardy.

I can't agree with your logic 100% simply because one, you allowed a stranger to kiss you and even though you pulled away, still you knew you had a boyfriend before it took place. Secondly, you felt that it was just a kiss didn't mean anything. I can't help but ask what if it had been him kissing another girl? Would you still feel it lacked meaning? The kiss itself may not have meant anything in regard to your feelings toward the guy but the fact that it happened obviously had more of an impact than you think. Additionally, you regret being honest and telling him what happened, but you never stated in your narrative that you regret the actual kiss.

The facts are what's done is done and nothing can erase the past. I do admire the fact that you were honest about the situation and I'm certain he was hurt by it and you both have talked things over and worked things out, but it may take some time for him to heal from this and to regain trust in you that he previously had but lost because of what happened. You're going to have to give him that time, even though it may be a bit unpleasant. Also, by the same token, if he truly forgives you, he cannot keep throwing that incident in your face every time you have an argument. You both can recover from this but it's going to take time, reaffirmed commitment and a rebuilding of trust to make it happen.

[Asker]

I absolutely regret kissing the other guy. which is why I felt so guilty and felt the need to tell my boyfriend to get it off my chest. but now that I said something I felt like there was no point. My boyfriend is amazing, he's totally understanding and forgiving. like I said, this is my first real relationship and I've learned that you don't do things like this when you fight. you're still committed I think it actually made us stronger. I just feel like crap about him knowing.

[VoiceOfReason]

Well what's done is done. You can't change the past, only can learn from it. He has forgiven you, perhaps its best you come to terms and forgive yourself as well. Try to put the incident behind you, but keep the lesson with you. Move forward and try not to let those past demons haunt you.

[probablynot]

I have a slightly different perspective from Mike. I understand the impulse to want to know that sort of thing, but if the relationship is built on trust and you make a minor mistake (for the purposes of my argument a kiss is relatively minor, there are much graver sins), you have a choice: tell and risk the consequences, break it off because it might happen again, or (if you know in your heart of hearts that it will not happen again) swallow the guilt and move on. Any of which is acceptable, if you're being honest with yourself.

However, you can't go back on that choice if you pick the third option. That forces him to question other things, other times when you were away from him, other fights that you've had. And he may trust you again, but not in the same way. (Like Beyonce said in the Telephone music video, "Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that m****r f****r's reflection.") That kind of insecurity eats a person alive. When you didn't tell him right away, you accepted that weight for him. It's cold as ice to put that back on him.

At this point, I'd agree with Mike. You need to do what you can to let him know that he's important to you, and that you really value his companionship. He's gotta still be stinging from this one.

[Asker]

i know it my hearts of heart that it won't happen again. It hasn't happened and it won't happen. but still I felt the need to tell him. I should have listened to my friends.

[UberTroll]

Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but clearly it matters to him. I'm also not sure why you'd regret telling your boyfriend rather than kissing that other guy. Are you sure you're as happy in your relationship as you think you are?

[Asker]

I do regret kissing the other guy which is why I felt so guilty and felt the need to tell him. I regret both.

[UberTroll]

Well that's good. What's done is done so there's no sense stressing yourself about it. Everything's out in the open now so you don't have any secrets nagging at you anymore. And since your boyfriend didn't break up with you over it I think you guys can get past it. It just might take some time for him to get over the blow. He also will probably be more doubtful of you now but if you're understanding about it and prove to him that you can be trusted you should be ok.

[MikeGaultier]

Problem is you should have told him 7 months ago. The fact that you also said, "only dating 3 months...not a big deal..." is concerning. Look, things happen; as a couple you both have to work those things out. If my girlfriend would have done that, our relationship would have ended that night. We base things off respect, trust, and priorities. Kissing another person breaks two of those..if not all 3.

In your case, your boyfriend seems to have forgiven you. But to give you a guys perspective, he's probably still on the edge right now, be a little more affectionate towards him so he knows that other guys aren't a threat, then hope he gets over it.

Either way, I hope everything works out...and don't do it again.

[Asker]

that kills me to think that it would have ended 7 months ago. that would make me think that everything we have now is a lie. it is not a lie. the kiss meant nothing. I loved my boyfriend still and I still love him to death. it was honestly a one time thing that I regret and it hasn't happened and won't happen again which is why I should have never told him.

[MikeGaultier]

Your boyfriend isn't me, he may not have ended the relationship. I on the other hand would have. I understand it's not a lie, but I'm saying stuff like that shouldn't happen. Regardless you did the right thing by telling him, he deserves to know. Just hope that he eventually gets over it.

[Anonymous]

You said the truth, and it's already in the past. He should accept it already.