...is watching you from the bushes, ready to pounce!!!
I'm writing this take on the coattails of all the recent craze on GaG about Taylor Swift. Alas, none of her songs were spoofed below. But still...
This experiment in parody lyrics lasted from 2003-2016, before retiring from AmIRight and going on hiatus afterward. It left after an army of hater trolls descended on the site, and turned a pastiche from this collection into a campaign to start flame wars across AmIRight.
The parodist would have none of that, and after calling some of his stalkers "f*ckwipes," signed off, never to return to that cesspool.
This take is an overview behind the song lyrics that readers found most shocking, most disturbing, and the inspirations behind them, as the project had more than its share of controversy while it lasted.
Inspirations for lyrics will be discussed on a by-song basis...
1. "Die Die Die!!!"
Lyrics: the entire song
This blatant remake of "Bye Bye Bye," by N'Sync, decides to notch up the violence factor to Robocop levels, and then keep on going!
The song about a man who is tired of being cheated on and used saying goodbye to the woman has been replaced with a narrative about a defiant man with a chip on his shoulder seeking Count of Monte Cristo levels of revenge upon the woman who physically abused him, manipulated him, defamed him, creepshamed him, and then ultimately tried to kill him.
Every single lyric is dripping with vindictive defiance, so you can almost hear him screaming in his head: "F* you, bitch!!!"
Hints that, amidst the conflict, the singer may have finally gone completely insane, are dropped as early on as the second verse:
You knocked out my front tooth! I'll...crush you under a phone booth! So...hold still, or I'll make it hurt even more!...
And the descent into madness is chronicled in the end with these lyrics:
And now we're both playing really rough! Oops there goes your head and now I guess your snuffed! Make me happy! Joyful till I cry! Die die die!!!
There is more to this than just an effort to make N'Sync out to sound like murderous psychopaths for cheap laughs. This is actually inspired by a real event that happened in northern Michigan in 2007. Names of parties responsible are being withheld here, for obvious reasons.
Suffice to say, what really happened was a lot less extreme than the song lyrics would suggest. Everything is exaggerated, told from the male victim's point of view regarding the pain and anger he felt over the woman's heartless betrayal.
And it shouldn't have to be said, but neither of the real parties would ever engage in such a brutal battle royale. They're...content to avoid each other today.
The same incident also inspired the writing of the song "Slaughterized," set to the tune of "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven. It portrays the same woman as a Jeffrey Dahmer-type serial killer:
She left me slaughterized with one machete swipe or two, and now I cannot move, because I'm freezer burned! My body matches what her evil heart can do! And now she aims that knife, so she can run me through!
And you thought Taylor Swift took breakups hard???
Offending lyrics: The second verse's opening
Readers were shocked at the audacity of a song talking about an insane couple wanting to murder Winnie-the-Pooh and his friends.
Set to the tune of "Whiskey Lullaby" by Alison Krauss and Brad Paisely, this tale accounts in sometimes graphic detail how the couple (presumably demented versions of Alison and Brad) systematically murder everyone in the Hundred-Acre Wood...except for the Gopher. Who was created by Disney, and therefore granted immortality. (This didn't stop them from trying.)
The only one to live was that darn gopher! Slippery enough, that little turd!!!
The couple ends the song laughing hysterically about their achievements, even as they are writing "from the funny farm."
Perhaps the lyrics that offended most readers were the following:
Then Roo was killed. That left Kanga wishing she could kill herself! Too bad, we did! For minutes long, the blood sprang from her neck!
Kanga's head blown off with a shotgun. And Roo dying so horrifically, we never learn the details!
Also noteworthy is that after they shoot Tigger dead, they cremate his corpse in the second chorus using napalm. This is a dead giveway that before the entire parody was written; the key lyrics were the following:
We shoved that rifle through the bush, and murdered Tigger!
This is also one of the earliest giveaways that the entire thing was designed as a mockery of "Whiskey Lullaby." But why, you may ask???
Well, our answer lies in the original song's popularity.
The parodist's sister played the song one too many times on a bootlegged cassette tape, and this song was originally written as a protest. It really is that simple.
Because when Alison Krauss makes you think of Pooh getting tossed in a blender set to puree, you really don't wanna go overplaying bootlegged audio cassette songs all day anymore, do you?
Offending lyrics: the entire song
This one was actually turned into a video on YouTube, and stayed up until shortly after the 2012 elections were over. Liberals were throwing a conniption over its every lyric, though some of its claims were later verified. It's not hard to understand that Selective-Service-Fraud-gate, Social-Security-Connecticut-Number-Fraud-gate, Benghazigate, Dems-Boo-God-on-Stage-gate, Too-Much-Golfing-gate, and more scandals made writing this song way too easy.
But perhaps most irritating to readers besides the reference to Selective Service being defrauded by the man was the mention of this line:
Stopped Baby's heart! With legal motions!
This was essentially a slam at his pro-abortion stance, placing it at near-level playing field with every other impeachable offense that was listed prior. But it got even better:
You backed the Brotherhood! Though they do nothing good!
This line is in reference to the Muslim Brotherhood, which Obama helped place in power in Egypt in 2010, and that led to lots of uprisings in Egypt in 2011. This same Brotherhood also spawned the offshoots Hamas, al-Queada, and ISIS. The Brotherhood's founder, Hassan al-Bana, shared many views with both Obama and Hitler. The video actually showed al-Bana and Hitler fraternizing at a table, to rub it in. Yay to accusing fraud presidents* of treason!
But why tarnish a Stan Bush classic song?
Simple: the parodist was going through a Transformers phase back then, as Transformers Prime was popular on TV and Fall of Cybertron was becoming a popular game. This was also happening in 2012, one year after Dark of the Moon hit theaters.
And further inspired by watching a rough cut online of Transmorphers: Fall of Man by the Asylum (those guys now known more for making Jailbait and Sharknado.)
Offending lyrics: The entire chorus
This is the story of a trial! And 20 died in it all of the while! And while it looks so bad in history books; it happened 1692 witch trials!
Based on a high school class lecture about various speculative theories regarding what led to the hallucinations that inspired the Salem Witch Trials, a whimsical edutainment song was born repurposing the tune of "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days.
Offending lyrics: Revealing reference to the original song
Sack of flour gone in one hour;
Along with the water; and a ton of baking powder!
So why they wanna pick on me?
Because I taste better, now don't you see?
I ain't no half-bake I'm a genuine treasure!
And they envy me boys, cause I am the new measure!
I am pure pleasure! That's why I make them sick!
And their chance to compete with me is UP A CRICK!!!
I'm a-waving my hat up and down that coast and;
Keep on wa-hooin' while you're oven's roastin'!!!
This song has the distinction of having been performed live at the Midnight Madness event at Ferris State University in November of 2006. Using the tune to Kid Rock's "Cowboy," this song reimagines a world where Kid Rock and the Pillsbury Doughboy are fused into one creature.
It was done purely for laughs, mostly the thought of Kid Rock screaming "Doughboy!!!!" over and over.
Poppin' Fresh shouts "UP A CRICK" (creek) as to imply that the original lyrics were "suck my d***!!!"
However, we all know that Kid Rock substitutes that with "My only words of wisdom are [radio edit]!"
There were requests - unfulfilled - by various students up at Ferris for this to be performed a second time.
6. "Miss A. Defendant"
What happens to Miss A. Defendant? Strapped head to toe and unrepentant? She'll fry! It's true! The chair...will see it through!
What, you say?
You read that right. Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" gets sent to the electric chair! Kelly Clarkson was another artist being overplayed on bootlegged cassette tapes, and something had to be done about it!
This is what happens when siblings argue about the merits of copying songs from the radio and playing them too often.
Offending lyrics: The entire song!
Each component of this song was a reference to some event from a video game or a true crime documentary, or a film with crime as a major theme. The more explosive, the better!
It was written to the tune of "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood, and addressed claims that the original song's themes "wouldn't be funny" if gender roles were reversed. It was a sort of "challenge, accepted!"
How do you make something like this with the gender roles reversed funny? By upping the ante on violence and revenge to cartoonish extremes, that's how!
So now, you know she'll break your heart! And probably shoot you in the face; unless somebody takes some action! And I'm that someone!
This line is based on a real-life case of a woman who, married to a former missionary and deciding she wanted out, opted to team up with an insurance salesman to murder her husband - rather than go through the shame and rigamarole of divorce.
She became one of few women in the history of her state at that time to have received the death penalty. The Bomber is insinuating that the male victim's cheating heart girlfriend will pull something similar - unless the Bomber performs a preemptive strike!
Cause I placed a pipe bomb / on the passenger side; /
Of that pink convertible / that she loves to drive! /
Dropped gunpowder in cracks between the seats... /
I've stashed nitroglycerin/under the hood! /
Rigged the ignition,/ fixed her up real good! /
Let this be a lesson to gals who cheat... /
He wants to teach all women the consequences of infidelity, not just his main target! The pipe bomb is in reference to an episode of Forensic Files, where a man got revenge on a woman with a pipe bomb near the front passenger tire of her car.
Nitroglycerin being used is in reference to The Wages of Fear. "Rigging the ignition" is in reference to Grand Theft Auto III. If that cheating gal so much as leans on that car, she will go up in smoke! Boooooooommmmmm!!! Enjoy Hell!!!
And now! /
A gal in another town / is wearing a green T-shirt / and she isn't even single! /
Right now! / Her hubby's on the cell phone! /
And she's not telling him yet / but she's dating Mr. Wringle! /
This is in reference to "Stoplight" dating - where a party wears green T-shirts to indicate being single and red to indicate being taken. The woman being targeted for detonation here uses her clothing choices to lie to men. The Bomber finds this reprehensible, and can't let it slide!
The parodist attended a "stoplight" party once, in which more than half the women with green T-shirts also had boyfriends. Low-brow bitch move!
The final verse and chorus reference use of a dirty bomb, because what's more over-the-top vengeance against a cheater than nuking them? Clearly, the Bomber is a well-intentioned extremist - who firmly believes that "some cancers need to be treated with radiation."
Offending lyrics: The entire song!
That poor bum! Way to go! A black widow went; and she really came along and did him in this time! He should've known she was evil from the first glance! Cause she took all of his money! She drowned his puppy! She fed him cyanide and then tossed him in the trash and then made off with his cash, she did! And then burned down his house, that slimy little louse, oh! But what she can't understand is; I'll lob a grenade at her!...
Ever get so sick and tired of hearing Bruno Mars, and feel so sick inside after your crush steps on your heart and crushes it to a puree, that you just wanna scream "F* the world!!!" ???
This song addresses that. It also combines real-life horrific crimes with some of the most vindictive fantasy you've ever heard committed to music! This is one man's pain, magnified to its closest equivalent of real-life suckitude.
Ladies, when you hurt your men, this is what they feel on the inside!
This is what it feels like; but they're afraid to phrase it that way - out of fear that you'll issue a restraining order and possibly call the men in starch brown shirts to carry him off in a straight jacket!
And Bomber Jr. isn't done yet!
That is what I'll do! First I'll have some fun! Ain't no jurisdiction where she ever will be safe again! Sad woman, dead woman! That's what she'll soon be! Strap her to a rocket send her straight into orbit!
Threw herself a birthday; and I heard it was a blast! Soon a thing of the past she will be! Her two-timing best friend already met the end 'cause...
What they can't understand is I'll lob a grenade at her! Take an oversized spade to her! I'd even drop a big crane on her! And then I'd do anything to her!
Oh, I'd put her through all this pain! Watch her life ebb down the drain! And no, I do not mean maybe! She drives me that insane!
This isn't just the mind of someone who's been deeply hurt. This is what severe depression can do to you! If you are having thoughts in real life about someone and they are along these lines, it may be a good idea to seek treatment.
Remember: the Serial Bomber Saga is a fantasy. Do NOT attempt this in real life!!! It will NOT end well for you!
And I will not be responsible if you're dumb enough to act out song lyrics like these in your life.
Anyway, I digress. You thought Taylor Swift had it rough??? This alternate universe evil version of Bruno Mars continues with celebrating nail bombs:
Set her Cadillac on fire!
Ooh, I send nails all o'er the place!
If any other girl is like her, then I never, ever, ever will relent!
And yes, this began because of the parodist getting in an argument with a friend. Sometimes, you just need an outlet for that pent-up frustration. And what better outlet, than fictional singers blowing each other up?
Of course, if you actually do think doing this to anyone in real life is a good idea; you're either in the middle of a war zone or a prime candidate for a psych ward.
Do not try this at home! Have I put enough disclaimers here yet???
9. "War Crimes"
Love or hate Katy Perry, there's no denying her song "Firework" got really annoying really fast when radios overplayed it. So along came this parody, chronicling the sort of depressing undertone the song does a poor job of hiding with its false cheer and false, hollow optimism.
If Katy wanted to be relevant, why not sing about topics that most of the world actually cares about? In this parody, she gets to. By discussing a couple fleeing a war-torn country being ravaged by supremacists who will resort to any depravity necessary to wipe out the "inferior group."
The lyrics waste no time punching the reader/listener right in the stomach, and then never letting up:
Avoid the grass, land mines, avast! Don't breathe deep now! They've launched mustard gas!
Cause baby they want genocide! Stalk us till we all have died! Look up above for crying out loud!
Threats to hit us with a mushroom cloud!
Cut our numbers near in half! By engineering strains of staph! And then to nearly one-third! Who would've guessed they'd use Navajo flu?
Traditional, chemical, biological, and nuclear warfare, all in one chorus! And the Navajo flu reference is in reference to yet another episode of Forensic Files!
The bridge adds animal cruelty to the list of charges this lady singer has against her enemies:
Doom, doom, doom! All our days are filled with endless gloom! They throw grenades endlessly right at you! Trying to kill your little pu-ppy too!
It's manipulative on purpose. If you don't care that she's being chased down by an enemy that has total contempt for Geneva, perhaps them killing a dog will shake you from your apathy! She compares her enemies to the Wicked Witch of the West: depraved enough to hurt a dog, just to get to someone!
This song could now be looked at as the anthem of every village that has ever faced persecution from ISIS.
Cause baby they want genocide! Won't rest till we all have died!
Others shrieking out: "Oh no!" They're hit with chlorine trifluoride flow! Baby this is genocide! Half our neighbors now are fried! Chopped them all up left and right! We'd better keep on runnin' out of sight!
This is one of the first recorded instances in the history of music in which chlorine triflouride became subject matter. The stuff was too dangerous even for Hitler to use! (Though he did look into it!)
Another reason this song was written, was because the original often doesn't use its lyrics in a very creative manner. The parody sought to correct that.
So, what shocking lyrics do you like, from which song and artist? And what inspired those lyrics? This has been a nostalgic look back for me, personally. But life goes on.