Captain of Team RJ back at you again with another entry for the #BATTLEROYALE, this time we’re going to get into the heart of the media and entertainment world so make sure you look out for the hashtags #BATTLEROYALE and #TeamRJ to support me and my team!
Do you remember the age you were when you first started to get a little fire going in the basement apartment of your anatomy?
I sure do, pretty sure I was about thirteen. Oh man those were awkward times: I tried my hand at writing erotica, and every sex or intimate scene in a movie or show had me half ready to dive into a pool filled with ice just to get rid of the urge to explode.
Sex was such a magical concept to me back then, and boy-gawdy did I ever believe some straight up lies.
We have all seen it: the notorious seduction or sex scene on the TV that makes you wish you asexually reproduced yourself so you could NOT be having that awkward moment with your rents on the couch. The scenes are very similar in nature with a common theme: too perfect for words. There’s no awkwardness, the slightest touch creates the most explosive burst of pleasure, and the scene would all but fade to black after the climax, eliminating the otherwise awkward cleanup scene from your dazzled vision.
That’s all Hollywood FALACIES!
The truth of the matter is that sex is messy; sex is awkward; sex is barely real if you don’t have at least one day-after moment where you ask yourself: “Did I seriously fucking do/say that dirty crap?” It isn’t all slow, passionate love making. There’s boo-cocky and tireless “no not there, here” speak, stroking, poking, inserting, licking, flicking, slapping, biting, and even the occasional “What the hell are you doing?!”
So, today I am going to give you some examples of Hollywood sex ideals that are absolutely ridiculous and give you the run down of what you REALLY ought to expect. For any of the young kids that clicked on this, I’m warning ya: it gets gnarly from here.
The Slow Love Making
Okay, I get it: slow passionate sex looks sexier to a lot of people than rapid chihuahua humping. I’m not going to deny that I haven’t tried it myself, but let me tell you this: it feels nice, but it gets OLD, quick, and there’s no chance in hell that I’m going to orgasm from that.
The whole concept to me just baffles me to the core with how writers really think that people just lay there in the perfect missionary position and fuck at a snail’s pace. I really do believe the truth of the matter is it’s all for the aesthetic rather than the realism. But come on, just look at this clip from the 2006 film Underworld Evolution:
Where’s the changing positions? Where’s the … you know, raw doggin’ passion that makes you thrust like a bunny on steroids? No one can have sex in that one position, that one pace, and actually orgasm. If you can, you deserve a freaking medal.
* Side note: did you all notice that when Chucko here took off Kate’s leather body suit that they didn’t show the awkward trying to step out of it and peel it off of her legs part? That wouldn’t be sexy would it?
Fast thrusting, tongues, fingers, flipping into bizarre and applause worthy positions is typically a big part of regular sex – or at least the good kind. It’s not so flawlessly executed half of the time and it might take a bag of tricks to get that O’, but I’ll promise you one thing: keeping one dull pace ain’t going to give it to you.
The Mysterious Absence of Condoms & Birth Control
HOW DOES EVERYONE SHAG WITHOUT GETTING PREGNANT ON TV!?
Seriously, I want to know. From The Walking Dead, to Game of Thrones, to literally every Hollywood sex scene out there: you never once see them fumble with the condom, give the peepee a little extra help because he starts losing his hard-on, the missed periods, the awkward who pays for the morning after pill part, or the ever awkward: “Uuuh, you’re clean, right?” conversation - none of it! It’s like celebrities have built in sperm nets up their cooches or something and they’re magically STD proof.
The good ol' 2005 hit 40 Year Old Virgin expresses the stress of the condom game:
No, no, no: there’s no simply just getting to the do without at least some precaution unless you’re seriously crazy. You have to take precautions man, and sometimes that means condoms, pills, cringe-worthy conversations about getting tested first or at least asking about your partner’s sexual history.
And another thing: when there is just no access to birth control, how, pray tell, HOW DO THESE CHICKS NOT HAVE 500 babies?! I mean look at Glen and Maggie from AMC's The Walking Dead: they were all over each other and they didn't seem to have much of a concern at all.They sure as hell didn’t have a condom every time they got into it, so what gives?
You have to wear condoms, get IUD’s; consider STD’s and pregnancies when it comes to having real life sex with people. There’s no getting around it without putting yourself in a potentially dangerous and life altering situation so it needs a little more representation if you ask me.
Stay safe kids.
Orgasming at the Same Time
Hahahahahhahaha, not likely friend.
The notorious 2004's The Notebook had one of the most intense scenes that had a way of really making us think that orgasming with your partner was as easy as it is for Ryan Gosling to make young girls gush with a single hey girl.
Seriously, you’ve all seen it: the scene is hot, the thrust is real, and simultaneously you watch those beautiful angels gasps and throw their heads back and coo with satisfaction.
Come on, give me a break.
The truth of the matter is that - well, this is an extremely unlikely occurrence for most folks. Unless you're some kind of intimate ninja luck-soaked veteran, you and your boo will likely be taking turns. Hollywood might wanna make it seem all hunky-doory
Alright everybody that’s my time for today, let me know what YOU think are the most unrealistic expectations that TV ever gave you or anyone you know about sex. TGIF and I will see you guys in the next one!