Love-Making in Movies & Media: Where Hollywood Has it All Wrong


Captain of Team RJ back at you again with another entry for the #BATTLEROYALE, this time we’re going to get into the heart of the media and entertainment world so make sure you look out for the hashtags #BATTLEROYALE and #TeamRJ to support me and my team!

Do you remember the age you were when you first started to get a little fire going in the basement apartment of your anatomy?

I sure do, pretty sure I was about thirteen. Oh man those were awkward times: I tried my hand at writing erotica, and every sex or intimate scene in a movie or show had me half ready to dive into a pool filled with ice just to get rid of the urge to explode.

Sex was such a magical concept to me back then, and boy-gawdy did I ever believe some straight up lies.

We have all seen it: the notorious seduction or sex scene on the TV that makes you wish you asexually reproduced yourself so you could NOT be having that awkward moment with your rents on the couch. The scenes are very similar in nature with a common theme: too perfect for words. There’s no awkwardness, the slightest touch creates the most explosive burst of pleasure, and the scene would all but fade to black after the climax, eliminating the otherwise awkward cleanup scene from your dazzled vision.

That’s all Hollywood FALACIES!

The truth of the matter is that sex is messy; sex is awkward; sex is barely real if you don’t have at least one day-after moment where you ask yourself: “Did I seriously fucking do/say that dirty crap?” It isn’t all slow, passionate love making. There’s boo-cocky and tireless “no not there, here” speak, stroking, poking, inserting, licking, flicking, slapping, biting, and even the occasional “What the hell are you doing?!”

So, today I am going to give you some examples of Hollywood sex ideals that are absolutely ridiculous and give you the run down of what you REALLY ought to expect. For any of the young kids that clicked on this, I’m warning ya: it gets gnarly from here.

The Slow Love Making

Okay, I get it: slow passionate sex looks sexier to a lot of people than rapid chihuahua humping. I’m not going to deny that I haven’t tried it myself, but let me tell you this: it feels nice, but it gets OLD, quick, and there’s no chance in hell that I’m going to orgasm from that.

The whole concept to me just baffles me to the core with how writers really think that people just lay there in the perfect missionary position and fuck at a snail’s pace. I really do believe the truth of the matter is it’s all for the aesthetic rather than the realism. But come on, just look at this clip from the 2006 film Underworld Evolution:

Where’s the changing positions? Where’s the … you know, raw doggin’ passion that makes you thrust like a bunny on steroids? No one can have sex in that one position, that one pace, and actually orgasm. If you can, you deserve a freaking medal.

* Side note: did you all notice that when Chucko here took off Kate’s leather body suit that they didn’t show the awkward trying to step out of it and peel it off of her legs part? That wouldn’t be sexy would it?

The Reality

Fast thrusting, tongues, fingers, flipping into bizarre and applause worthy positions is typically a big part of regular sex – or at least the good kind. It’s not so flawlessly executed half of the time and it might take a bag of tricks to get that O’, but I’ll promise you one thing: keeping one dull pace ain’t going to give it to you.

The Mysterious Absence of Condoms & Birth Control


Seriously, I want to know. From The Walking Dead, to Game of Thrones, to literally every Hollywood sex scene out there: you never once see them fumble with the condom, give the peepee a little extra help because he starts losing his hard-on, the missed periods, the awkward who pays for the morning after pill part, or the ever awkward: “Uuuh, you’re clean, right?” conversation - none of it! It’s like celebrities have built in sperm nets up their cooches or something and they’re magically STD proof.

The good ol' 2005 hit 40 Year Old Virgin expresses the stress of the condom game:

No, no, no: there’s no simply just getting to the do without at least some precaution unless you’re seriously crazy. You have to take precautions man, and sometimes that means condoms, pills, cringe-worthy conversations about getting tested first or at least asking about your partner’s sexual history.

And another thing: when there is just no access to birth control, how, pray tell, HOW DO THESE CHICKS NOT HAVE 500 babies?! I mean look at Glen and Maggie from AMC's The Walking Dead: they were all over each other and they didn't seem to have much of a concern at all.They sure as hell didn’t have a condom every time they got into it, so what gives?

Love-Making in Movies & Media: Where Hollywood Has it All Wrong

The Reality

You have to wear condoms, get IUD’s; consider STD’s and pregnancies when it comes to having real life sex with people. There’s no getting around it without putting yourself in a potentially dangerous and life altering situation so it needs a little more representation if you ask me.

Love-Making in Movies & Media: Where Hollywood Has it All Wrong

Stay safe kids.

Orgasming at the Same Time

Hahahahahhahaha, not likely friend.

The notorious 2004's The Notebook had one of the most intense scenes that had a way of really making us think that orgasming with your partner was as easy as it is for Ryan Gosling to make young girls gush with a single hey girl.

Seriously, you’ve all seen it: the scene is hot, the thrust is real, and simultaneously you watch those beautiful angels gasps and throw their heads back and coo with satisfaction.

Come on, give me a break.

The Reality

The truth of the matter is that - well, this is an extremely unlikely occurrence for most folks. Unless you're some kind of intimate ninja luck-soaked veteran, you and your boo will likely be taking turns. Hollywood might wanna make it seem all hunky-doory

Love-Making in Movies & Media: Where Hollywood Has it All Wrong

Alright everybody that’s my time for today, let me know what YOU think are the most unrealistic expectations that TV ever gave you or anyone you know about sex. TGIF and I will see you guys in the next one!

Love-Making in Movies & Media: Where Hollywood Has it All Wrong
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  • Mustachekitteh
    lel rapid chihuahua humping. XD
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • somebodysaycheese
    Ooh. Guess im different.
    Cause i think rapid rabbit sex is for people who don't know how to have sex. That in and out stuff is boring to me. if you have no movement in your hips that's just horrible. And the build up while a guy is rotating his hips like he is dancinh and speeds up. Amazing orgasms are garaunteed.
    Yea. Hollywood sex scense dont show foreplay amd the cleanup but thats a lot of scene time lol
    Like 2 People
    • The bunny sex thing was more of a joke. But personally i am on a similar boat as you, it's about rhythm but I definitely don't feel like just slow and gentle missionary would do dick diddly for me.

    • But missionary isn't always slow. Missionary with the guy's weight on you grinding hits the clitoris perfect. Add the kissing and bam! Missionary has so many variations and many will make for great orgasms.

  • redeyemindtricks
    Hahah #teamleatherleggings checking in... you really don't even want to know how many pairs I have. I am a spaz with two left feet on my BEST days, so, I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to imagine how gracefully I typically disrobe. (hint: I've learned to cover this up under the guise of "slipping into something more comfortable")

    That said, I gotta beg to differ -- very, very strongly -- with two of these.


    The slow love thing.

    Girl... you know how hard I like it, and how much I like it to hurt. I like to get fucked so hard and so fast that it hurts... and then for so long that it *stops* hurting, and gets to that Next Level of pleasant throbbing numbness where he's somehow slamming orgasms out of my shoulders and toes and hands because he's already exhausted the supply of them within 2 feet of the clitoral area.
    ::ahem:: Where were we.
    You know what else a nasty, bet-you-can't-break-me-boy slut like me LOVES?
    Making sweet, deep, throbbing, passionate, intimate, communicative, SLOW, *love*.

    Oh FUCK yes.

    I agree with you on one level, which is that "slow love" would be boring af IF THAT'S ALL I GOT.
    But... when I've got a man who takes fifteen seconds to start making me scream, cry, beg, shake, and cum all at once, and fifteen more to fuck away every last remaining shred of my dignity -- oohhh girlllll...
    When THAT man is pressing himself into me, kissing my trembling lips, and *making love* to me -- long, lingering, slow, sensual, beautiful LOVE -- you fucking well bet I get off. Oh yeah I do.
    My long-ass legs wrap all the way around him, I pull him DEEP inside me -- my body and heart aching to be big and pregnant for him again -- and I fucking explode. Literally, my whole body shakes like I'm in withdrawal and getting the DT's. I'll sometimes spasm so hard I can't even breathe for a few seconds.

    I've even had orgasms without any thrusting at all, on sheer emotional force alone... and plenty of equally "satisfying" sex where orgasm isn't even the goal. For more on that, see what I wrote here:


    "Come together... right now"

    This is eminently possible. It's not even that hard to do, if you're in sync with yr lover, and it isn't literally one of his first few times having sex ever (= he's gained a rudimentary amount of control over the timing of his own orgasm (s)).
    Basically, the boy just has to learn to read when
    Like 1 Person
    • *you're* about to hit yr climax -- which you could help along with subtle little hints like "Oh my Godddd I'm gna..." -- and then time his own climax to happen at the same time. Not exactly rocket science.

      For lots of lovers -- I'd say most, even -- there are also plenty of triggers you can use to *induce* orgasm at precisely the right time. This could be a staggering variety of things. It could be the perfect slap across the face... it could be words, ranging anywhere from "come for me you little nasty slut" to "I'm yours for the rest of yr life"... it could be arms wrapped tight and a passionate kiss... it could be so many other things.

      But, before long, you'll find out what yr own lover's particular triggers are... and once you do, it'll become even *easier* to time yr orgasms to happen together.


      Last not least, I TOTALLY thought that red ribbon was a great big red X on that condom at first. Needless to say, this was greatly confusing to me. Bad positioning, graphics guys.

    • You wanna know what REALLY doesn't happen, that Hollywood couples do all the time?

      ... Fuck under the covers.

      It is IMPOSSIBLE to have decent sex under covers. IT CANNOT BE DONE.

  • Cosmogirl22
    I agree on some of your points but i do think that missionary is probably the best position for Hollywood. After all its probably the position most people use. But they can mix up a little slow sensual missionary with her legs up over his shoulders or her meeting his thrusts.
    Like 1 Person
  • mikemx55
    I... disagree with the slow motion one. I had never seen that scene before, and it looks beyond amazing, and totally doable (except for the leather legs), and perfectly enjoyable. It just takes the right partner that knows what you're thinking, and acts accordingly.

    Maybe it does get old quickly, but it's a must every once in a while.
    Like 1 Person
  • EmpatheticLady
    Can I just say I look like a huge idiot trying to get out of tight pants? It's a workout in and of itself, so yeah... if they had kept that awkwardness of taking off Kate's leather suit, that would have added 20 more minutes of screentime. :P

    Anyway, yes, you bring up some great points with this! Where's the action of even putting on the condom the wrong? Where is the knocking of heads together in certain positions? Where's the "NOT THAT HOLE?" Where is the laughter when a weird sound is made? Sex may not be perfect like it is in movies and TV shows, but that is okay.
    Like 1 Person
    • Hahaha so true.

    • Nicely written as usual by the way! Oh, and...


    • Show All
  • madhatters4
    the thing that always makes me go WTF is when two people decide they want to have sex and basically just line up their genitals and plunge into it. regardless of the lack of foreplay, regardless of the clothing obstacles the tv and film industry make it seem like sex is something that can go from 0-60

    i've never in my life been able to just take my penis and jam it into a vagina. it would be met with serious pain
  • becca123
    My pet peeve? No girl is ever on her period. Every time the guy wants it, bam, he gets it. Never a "hold on, we need a towel." Irritating as heck.
    Like 2 People
  • Splintercell
    I knew where you are going and you are correct. Hollywood twists love and relationships to something they aren't. You can't leave out the porn business, trying to put expectations out there that are impossible to meet because there unrealistic.
    Like 1 Person
  • brain5000
    I was with a woman once who stopped me and told me to go slow. It was fantastic. Watching porn while having sex will also slow things down, and that's another reason I like pornsex.
  • Cosytoasty
    😂😂😂. The slow stroke thing is so true, however... you can make it work if you play with her at the same time, in fact its one of the best ways to make sure she is satisfied multiple times, while controlling his own orgasm.

    Avoiding pregnancy is doable if your precum/pullout game is on point - and you know when in your cycle to do it. But i dont advocate playing that game until you are both pretty much ready to have a baby haha. Advanced techniques for bareback here.

    For guys everything you need to know about fucking can learnt from watching a James Deen scene, that guy is an absolute stud.
    Like 1 Person
  • blondfrog
    Hollywood has it all wrong everywhere but its just movies and its supposed to be entertaining hollywood is not supposed to be for educational purposes its supposed to be for entertainment purposes.
  • Spiorad_Aisce
    That is a very fair take - I think ever since the old Hollywood montage of sex euphemisms - The waves coming in on the beach etc - In defence of the missionary position, I think it is convenient way to appease the censor as it covers a multitude of sins - I am not too sure where I stand on this - It is not real, it is more about conveying a feeling but on the other hand porn is not real either it is a visual display of stimulation of camera angles that are best for showing bits, we even have mainstream sex, B-Movie sex and XXX sex. Real sex is something different, I think most are wise enough to know what is happening will be slightly different once you are involved in it. When you are 13/14 you think you still have a chance with your celebrity crush so having a perfect love/sex scene is just playing to an audience. How would the audience react if the hunk rolled over to kiss the woman in the morning and she went "Brush your teeth first".
    • Oh yeah I don't doubt that most people are wise enough to know (really I only wasn't aware when I was young) and I don't actually expect Hollywood to ever portray sex differently. I just wanted to share some funny commentary on the subject after I was inspired by a sex scene I saw in a movie I was watching with my boyfriend.

      Of course, it's meant to romanticize sex in every respect of the term because that's what people want to see. I'd never dispute that, though I would kill to see a movie that has a woman telling her man to brush his teeth before kissing, ahaha. Give a little spice to the film.

  • Nik1hil
    If I get a pair of tits and vagina can I be on your team
  • Anonymous
    Nice take, hilarious!

    by the way you're very hot. I dunno if this means anything, but I may have found an adult star who looks like you and she's hot!
    Like 1 Person
    • LOOOOL.

      I am no "adult star" so I expect coincidence.

    • Anonymous

      Haha, of course not, but you are very hot, if that's ok to tell you!

      What I meant was, I was very happy to coincidentally come across an "adult star" who resembles you RJ! Dunno if I should mention your doppelgänger, she's most stimulating...

    • Well this got awkward.

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    Well, I agree but sex scenes must look "sexy" (depending on your preferences).
    For example, I never liked doggy style, I prefer various girl on top positions.
  • Anonymous
    OK :/
    But thanks for sharing what (not) to expect :)
  • Anonymous
    I personally prefer slow and sensual but that's just me
    Like 1 Person
  • Anonymous
    In like season 2 of the walking dead glenn finds condoms at a pharmacy
    • Yes I remember that but the show goes on for like years, and there's definitely scenes where he doesn't have a box of condoms with him. Lol.

    • Anonymous

      True. But in an apocalypse how often would you really have sex?

  • Anonymous
    Love making in porn is very close to real life if your aesthetic though and the woman actually lust for you.
  • Anonymous
    I'm a virgin and Hollywood love making scenes actually turn me on. I've watched porn a few times and it seems really boring. rough sex with heavy thrusting looks umromantic and dull.
    • It's not dull sweetheart I promise you that, besides, the concept of sex being romantic and slow sounds great in your head when you're a virgin. But once you get past that initial hump you realize how dirty sex really can be. Lol. It's all fluids and bangin' when you get to the real deal.

    • Anonymous

      I have been diagnosed OCD so the cleaning up part doesn't sound fun at all. I may channel my inner freak and unleash my wild side someday. Who knows? Lol

    • Hey good on ya if you do, get it girl.