How to Survive a Slasher film


How to Survive a Slasher film

So, there's a killer on the loose and you are a young adult and this slasher targets young adults.

So you want to survive.

Well here are a few tips.

1. Do not be an asshole

How to Survive a Slasher film
The asshole character in a slasher film will die, and unlike others some who will get their heads lopped off or a simple surprise heart stab, their will be painful and creative. The only character whose death will rival theirs in brutality will be the slut.

2. Do no be promiscious

How to Survive a Slasher film

There is no nice way to say this, but in a slasher film, the slut will die, they will die bloody and it will often be the most horrific kill of the film, its like slasher films are in a universe where what fire and brimstone preachers say is true, that having premarital sex will make you die horribly and condemn you to hell.

3. Try not to be Blond

How to Survive a Slasher film

If you have blond hair, I don't care, dye it, cut it off, hell scalp yourself and end up in the hospital to have scalp surgery (hell if you go to another state or country to get scalp surgery you will probably be out of range of the slasher) but this often goes in hand and hand with number 2.

4. If you are black, just leave the state or region

How to Survive a Slasher film

Its like slashers are white supremacists or something, they often kill the black guy first. So unless you are played by LL. Cool J like in Deep Blue sea, or depending on your interpretation of The Thing's Ending, played by Keith David, you should leave, and the fact is that the only time I remember this being attempted was in Scream 2 by Gale's Cameraman and guess what he lived. So to sum up, most slashers must belong to the Klan or something.

5. Don't drink or do drugs

How to Survive a Slasher film

Don't drink or do drugs, don't smoke as well. Not only will the killer target you but you need to have your senses intact.

6. If you are gay, don't make any indication of it for the entire time the killer is active

How to Survive a Slasher film

Gay Characters tend to die in slasher films. (Do slasher villains spend all their off time devotedly listening to Pat Robertson or something?)

7. Do not assume that the slasher is dead after they lie on the ground after you hit them

How to Survive a Slasher film

Did you just shove a knife into the slasher and he fell to the ground and appears dead?

Good, stab them a billion more times in the face till their brains are all over the walls.

Did you just shoot the slasher? Good go over there and perform the goddamn Mozambique Drill on their body till you don't have anymore bullets to reload with.

Did you just hit the guy with a shovel? Good, bring the pointy end down on the bad guys neck and don't stop till you've completely severed the head.

These guys have a nasty habit of getting back up. You want to make sure they stay dead.

So now you have some basic guidelines of how to survive a slasher film.


How to Survive a Slasher film
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