Step 1: Worship the right god.
A lot of people tell you to worship their god or go to hell. Hell is the right place! HOWEVER, satan does not take the throne anymore. Lemmy Kilmister does, fool! Lord Lemmy rules over hell now, and awaits for new metalheads so he can guide them. Lay a virgin on the pentagram and cover her in booze. He will join the party. He will also bring Cliff Burton along to call on lightning with his bass.
Step 2: Clothes
There's nothing more metal than black. Black on black. So black that your actually seen in the dark. Where your laundry is just one black pile to sort. The perk of it is a lot of times when you spill beer while piss-drunk, it won't show on the clothes well. And you will not be seen going out at night to that abandoned building to summon Lemmy.
Also, SPIKES! Spikes you shall be covered in! It protects you from the posers who think they got the balls to mess with you! Wanna hide the band clothes from suspecting people? Bury em. Per Ohlin did it, you can too.
Step 3: Keep that hair long.
Whether your a girl or guy, keep the hair long. Don't listen to what Scott Ian or Kerry King say about it, their opinions don't matter. If you choose to go their direction, at least glue spikes to your chrome dome. You could do a brutal headbutting to a poser.
Step 4: Live in a dumpster.
Since when would you have enough money for a house when you spend it all on concerts and merch?? Plus, the dumpster will add to the moshpit smell.
Step 5: Drive the right car.
Guys, you want a small vehicle. Because we all know when a man drives something huge its to compensate for having something small in your pants. Dont make it obvious. Get you a Honda or Volkswagen and strap your stuff on the top. Added spikes will help hold your shit on the roof. Just impale it all. And get the fucking tin foil.
Step 6: go on a proper date.
Guys, take your girl to a show. Slam her around in the mosh pit. Itll be better than sex. Its the best way to get fucked up.
Girls, take your guy to a music shop. Even if he doesn't know how to play instruments, just go wailing on them anyway, metal already hurts posers' ears, so this is no fuckin different.
Step 7: own a goat.
Goats are the most metal animals! They are satan incarnate (before Lemmy threw him off the throne). Your goat needs metal friends too. Add in a snake because he was on a pantera album. He can hitch a ride on your mini Baphomet's horns.
Step 8: Ladies, take advantage of your menses.
Blood is metal, and mother nature has gifted you the gift of blood and pain because she knows metal rules. Do like Elisabeth Bathory and take a bath in blood. Listen to Venom "Countess Bathory" in the process. You bleed and hurt without dying. Let that sink in..
Step 9: Have a metal job.
Be a mortician. Work in construction. Be an Uber driver, and be the best damn Uber driver getting people to destinations hella fast as you hit the gas listening to Slayer.
*said in low and fast voice* This message is sponsored by the Metal Milita
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