I’m always asking what’s wrong with me.
I’m always self reflecting.
I’m always so reserved.
I always like to feel in control- when I’m right, going my way, I must speak, I must take action, hard work, loyalty, must do what is right.
I always wanted what was good for me.
Beautiful man comes along, I’m not allowed to have, man still plays with me, sparks interest in me, shows me a whole new world and then leaves.
I’m so reserved. I’m not as out-going as him. I’m not as friendly as him. I’m not as good of a leader as him.
I was in self-denial, in more ways than one.
I denied myself feeling for a guy, that I was falling for because I KNEW I wasn’t supposed to. I denied myself enjoying the moments because I knew it was wrong, I was wrong.
He was just a guy. But overthinking began to rule my life.
I kept to myself, tried to clean, tried to reach out to people…
I was always pushed away. I wondered why.
Same guy continues to come into my life, a ball of fucking sunshine. I oogle, I ponder and I pray. I just want to enjoy myself, I want to feel free, I want to adopt what he knows.
He comes to play. I melt away. He runs away. I’m torn yet want him to stay.
Every time I look to him, I’m triggered and forced to have to face myself. I didn’t like what I saw, but I had no other choice to look- like a sunflower turns to watch the sun, grows because of the sun.
This exposed my codependent energy, this exposed my pride, my need for control, my unrealistic expectations/with my heads in the clouds, my need to take action from my heart, my need to stop overthinking things, my need to let go of pain, my need to embrace myself as I am.
I began a "twin flame" journey looking for The One, only to realize that it was creative thinking that inspired my belief system which was how my mind built mental challenges- facing my fears- for me to overcome in order to construct my reality to better help me adapt- grow-learn- increase in higher vibrations. To introduce me to the truth of myself- because 3d reality is a cause and effect of us, individually, finding ourselves through external means… Only to realize that we are complete in ourselves. I’m a female, I thought I was a divine feminine searching for her hero- in a case of unrequited love- where I believed I had the ability to create the best love story ever… and I did.
Turns out, I'm never in control of my own story, my story finds me and leads me back to me. Because while looking for The One, I discovered that I am The One for me. I am whole. We are all whole. We are holy. Being holy is to be aligning with God, who is trice holy than we, unless we believe and better serve- than who knows how close we can come to God. And part of being ‘holy’ is recognizing that this means we are imperfect, natural beautiful disasters- destined to die in order to create new beginnings. We are like the coral reefs of the sea, all experiencing different realities- and physically we are different… But from Gods point of view- we are all necessary pieces that are part of the delicate balance that is life. When one of us fails, one of us learns- then the world adopts these lessons with time- we learn together, how to adapt together- through compassion for the fact that we are beings bound to fail and die, always.
This wasn’t just a religious or spiritual path, this was science, this was life. Reality for me, was just blossoming open in new ways. I'm always a student.
This was a fools journey down the discovery of the flame: it’s magic, it’s world truth- the purpose of existence… is to just exist- no matter how we mold or manipulate the meaning of our purpose- it just exists and its there to be found because it’s within everything. It’s part of the polarity of life, how love finds a way and fear can still hide it, but never for long because polarity is a balancing act. This is how lessons are truly learned and turned into wisdom… because just “KNOWING” what is wrong, isn’t the end of the experience of that thing.
This is why we can trust in God. Because we can trust that there will always be a cause and effect- that it’s because of these challenges that our lives and souls expand in love and in understanding. We are not all knowing omnipotent Gods, when we place judgment on others- we hurt ourselves the most because we are our biggest enemy. We are all capable of being in others places. We must feel and act on feelings- not thought- or we will never connect and never do things from our heart- this is love. Unconditional. We are to be guided by God through making choices based on love. We ARE sheep. We are continuously copying others- nothing is fresh or new. It’s just remade. We are only fooling ourselves- we are magicians/illusionists… we create our realities, be careful what you allow yourself to believe. Because for the most part of our human lives, we are failing and creating illusions to escape the illusion of fear, pain, etc. Nothing is forever. Your failure isn’t forever, it isn’t you- it’s just a part of you and you don’t feel worthy of praise because you chose to believe that you didn’t deserve anything better. “Humble”. That isn’t humble, it’s guilt. Guilt isn’t an emotion. We are all just repeating things we heard in our limited experiences- to think that you could do everything perfectly is mainly limiting yourself from feeling worthy of anything you actually want. We need the diversity of life to adapt… To shame our darkness, is to stunt our growth, lose gratefulness, lose pride. When we fool ourselves, listening to fear- we hurt ourselves, keep ourselves feeling stuck. Then we don’t believe we are worthy of better, how could we at that point? And when a plant isn’t growing, it’s dying. That man that looked 50, he really died with the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old- he never truly lived. Imagine opening your eyes to that hell after death.
We do that, we take ourselves to worlds- realities we made up in our heads… we will always be that way. When a child comes into the world- it’s not incapable. It’s imagination is a gift, it’s part of creation. That child is a capable gift from god. Who stunts its growth? Our belief systems. What you feed your energy to, what you pay attention to- your daily routine- becomes the secret to your future. Figure yourself out, invest in yourself. What if you could save the world by just finally looking at yourself, accepting yourself unconditionally and just working from there in accepting the huge responsibility it is to live a honest to good life on earth.
Or maybe i'm just crazy. Listen to the doubts in our heads? Or just go for it? Discover what happens. There will always be consequences, but isn't it more fun to just test yourself and fail? But then be able to have something to laugh back at? Why does life have to have more meaning than that? It gets too complicated and inspires overthinking which immobilizes us. We must set our intentions, in every present moment. Because when we aren't putting our energy into other people and what they are doing-- we end up creating things for ourselves. We start gardening, cooking, painting, singing, dancing, practicing math, creating something- something unique from our limited experiences of life- that no one else gets to have or know first hand... So do your best to express yourself with the life you are given.
Maybe no one wants to read something because it's too long, whose loss is it? What if I told you it's no ones loss- but a gain of something else instead? Strength in the ability to DO SHIT NO MATTER HOW CRAZY YOU THINK YOU SOUND. someone out there will get you and all you gotta do, is be true to YOU. Express your emotion, express you- or no one will ever know the true story of you. Because you are the one. You are the one always there for you, you are the one saving yourself, rooting yourself on, taking care of you. Give yourself more credit- or you'll suck the life out of yourself and remain stuck in a victim/lack mindset. Which mainly hurts you and keeps you stuck from achieving your full potential. The worlds secrets are out there for everyone, if you want it. If you want to hear and face the truth. Not many can, it's scary facing ourselves- but our purpose is to exist and to face ourselves because we can only be ourselves and only know what we experienced. Why else would we be in this human shell we picked out?
"Good morning beautiful, time to wake up."
Maybe I need to get my head out of the clouds, or maybe my heads in the clouds for all of those who can't have theirs up there. What else will motivate me in my life? Inspire me? Burst passion back into my chest?? It's not the same things as you, and that's okay with me. Because i'm me and you are you.