How to fix The Little Mermaid to please (almost) everyone

Misery, misery, misery!  That is what you have chosen!
Misery, misery, misery! That is what you have chosen!

I never thought as a child that the day would come that something as inane as The Little Mermaid would turn into a battle in the Culture War, nor that it would get this heated!

But apparently, Disney lately just can't seem find enough ways to be stupid, or to piss off viewers, or make viewers start hating on each other. When did the company become so toxic and dumb?

A (Not-So)-Little Problem (or Several)

Well, I'm here to address a different problem: the Mermaid Diplomacy Act! See, the cartoon dropped us hints of this program, and how great it was supposed to be...and then the romantic plot tumor kicks in just as soon as Ariel first lays eyes on Eric...and then the film almost entirely forgets all about the much more interesting subplot! The foundation was there, but...oh, we need boy and girl to get the butterflies, and that's what's important now!

Now, the original cartoon had many problems; and I'm sure everyone can agree to that.

Ariel was all about some generic goal of understanding surface life better, until Eric had her smitten.

Other than being a shallow crush for Ariel, and then redeeming himself in the end by killing Ursula, Eric has no real point or purpose existing. He has no higher goals. He's just....kinda there. That is, until Ariel objectifies him, and he becomes her obsession. But why? He's...boring!

A company as big as Disney has numerous options for how to fix these issues. Instead, it chose to focus on "fixing" (i.e., making even worse!) all the least interesting details, and left gaping holes that would've been more fun to patch continue to be wide open! The talented Disney of lore is long gone. The hacks have taken over the Mouse House.

Disney's "solution"?

  • Make Ariel black, just to spite the Danish. The lack of Danish Gingers in real life notwithstanding, that'll teach those viewers that they need to be less "white"! (i.e., less self-sufficient in their lives, and more blindly trusting in one world government BS. Because self-sufficient blacks with valid reasons to not trust the government apparently don't exist, legacy of the Clintons be damned. And apparently, everyone "knows" that there are no such things as Latinos who enjoy self-sufficiency, and who instinctively don't trust NWO lunatics!)
  • Remove Ariel's guide to understanding the surface world, make her already perfectly capable of navigation through surface life on her own (which is contradictory to her goal of learning!), and remove Eric from the story completely (logic be damned!)
  • And then act like the single biggest problem...was that Eric was a white dude! Reeeeeeee!!!!

(Disney being blatantly racist? Who'd've thunk it!?)

Instead of her learning how to navigate our world, she can hubris her way to success, running on little more than Ursula's black magic and the pure power of black woke arrogance! Because being a clueless knob is only only a bad thing if you're white!

This ride to success on nothing but smug delusion of superiority is an even bigger fairy tale - and more pathetic - than the cartoon's love story!

But "she don't need no man!" Okay, Cat Lady!

A modest proposal

Rather than sit around and complain, like everyone else is doing, I decided that if Disney is so incapable of finding an intelligent way to fix their own broken franchises; that I'd rewrite The Little Mermaid for them! (Though I know full well they'd rather just go back to eating Tide Pods than buy my script!)

How to fix The Little Mermaid to please (almost) everyone

It only took me half an hour to come up with this rough draft pitch. But bear with me. I think I know a way to fix this turkey, in a way that will please (almost) everyone (with exception of the WEF psychopaths.)

See, so much emphasis is placed on Ariel's voice. But what about her ability to write? Being a royal, she should have some education in that arena, even if mermaids seldom get to use it meaningfully.

Wouldn't Eric and Ariel both understand how the message in a bottle thing works? Well, all too easy!

Instead of keeping a statue of Eric where Triton is likely to find it and throw a fit, she develops a mail and telecommunications system.

After she saves Eric, and he becomes fascinated with her, he locates the surface connection that she already had, and uses that guy / gal / whoever as a liaison to contact her.

Eric offers to meet with her somewhere, so they can start a sur-to-mer and mer-to-sur relay information network. She relays that this could take time, as she'd have to convince Triton that making peace with the surface is a good idea. She'd state that he has some grudge against sailors, but she doesn't know why. She states an intention to investigate. Eric writes her back to please do so, as he has no desire for his kingdom and the sea to be enemies.

Over their desire to see surface men and mermen get along, and to end the decades-long feud between Triton and the surface world over the pirates that were never brought to justice, the two develop a mutual understanding and respect.

Ariel longs to meet with Eric, so she can once again admire him in person, especially now that she knows his values and is intrigued by them. Eric misses that face and voice, and is even more impressed by her diplomacy skills. He wants to know it isn't all just a ruse. She has the same concern. They want to meet more often physically, so they can make their scheme to open up diplomacy more real and personal. They want it to be more than just talk.

Word hits Triton's ears that Ariel has opened up diplomacy with the surface world. Still butthurt that pirates killed his wife, Triton tries to shut down Ariel's network.

A less immediately creepy Ursula then comes to Ariel, instead of Ariel going to her. Ursula pretends to be interested in helping Ariel's cause to initiate peace talks between the Middle Sea and the surface world.

Ariel mentions the urgency of meeting with Eric, and Ursula gives her legs. But then Ariel discovers the bait-and-switch.

Ursula points out after the contract is signed that Ariel has only a few days to convince Eric of her identity, or...the usual.

Frustrated at having been conned, and having lost her voice, Ariel then has to convince Eric of her identity. Problem is, without her voice, she has difficulty proving she's the real Ariel, and not just some clever con. She gets into all sorts of trouble.

Eric is as confused as anyone else, but is kind to the stranger.

Ursula then does the Vanessa thing, not to fool Eric into marrying her, but to fool Eric into thinking that she's the real source of all those messages. That she's the one who will officiate the peace treaty, of only Eric signs a contract (which is bait-and-switch).

Sebastian, panicked, finally tells Triton about Ursula's con game. On a boat, as the treaty is about to be signed, Triton shows up with his forces to sabotage the boat.

Neither Ursula nor Ariel meet their deadlines, but then Ursula tries to take Ariel as her new food pantry item anyway. Ariel gets her voice back as this happens, and her mermaid tail. Eric realizes that Ariel is who she said she was.

Ursula's true form comes out. Things then play out almost the same as the cartoon. Except, Eric now has a sister named Ariana. They went mountain climbing together. Ariana wonders why Eric whips it out when fighting a squid monster, and Eric borrows a line from Aladdin: "Trust me!"

Ursula swats the boat away. "You won't fool me that easily!"

Ariana grabs hold of Ursula, using the rock climbing gear to maintain her grip.

"Oh, that's annoying!"

Ursula tries to swat Ariana off, while Ariana pulls some borderline Spider-Man maneuvers to dodge the tentacles.

While Ursula is distracted, Eric flanks the boat around. He still pierces Ursula's heart, but from behind. Ursula realizes her mistake a few seconds too late.

"I...should've seen that coming!"

Ariel saves Ariana and Eric both.

The teamwork of sur and mer to stop Ursula convinces Triton that not all surface dwellers are bad. He agrees to the peace treaty.

Eric and Ariel fall in love while celebrating the peace treaty they helped make possible. Triton makes Ariel human as a token of goodwill, to show the surface world that he is sincere about his change of heart.

Ariana, who shares Eric's desire to learn more about mer culture, is turned into a mermaid by Triton. She becomes the surface world's emissary to the mer world.

Was that so hard?

See how little effort that took? But noooo.....Wokesney could never!

How to fix The Little Mermaid to please (almost) everyone
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