What are your best dark humor jokes?

[YHL6965]

Go ahead, don't be afraid to be dark, let's have fun!

[13IsALuckyNumber]

Mwahahaha, you’ve just unleashed a demon.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did John fall off the bike?
He had no legs.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

[YHL6965]

Come on, these are as dark as an albino. You need to be darker than this, dark like a Jew after visiting the furnaces of Auschwitz.

[13IsALuckyNumber]

Yeah I know, I just had to go so I wrote the ones I could remember off the top of my head.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died... "Are you still holding the ladder?"

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender is totally amazed by this until he wakes up in a lonely bed. He gets up to find his wife, but he can’t find her or his kids anywhere. He then realizes that a car in the driveway is gone and that his dependence on alcohol has finally broken apart his family.

Here you go. You asked for dark humor and you got it.

[YHL6965]

Now that's how I like it! Good ones!

[13IsALuckyNumber]

I got some more:

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually an overdose, son."

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They've never known what home is.

I love dark humor.

[13IsALuckyNumber]

And some more:

What did the man with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn’t opened his present yet.

My aunts star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died... she was eaten by a giant crab.

At a restaurant the other evening, I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He looked at me bemused for a second and then replied, “Nothing special really, we just tell them they’re going to die.

Okay, I’m done unless you still need more.

[YHL6965]

Damn you are spoiling me, those are good!

[13IsALuckyNumber]

Dark humor is amazing. As long as you tell it to the right people. Don’t say it to the wrong person or all hell will rise to kill you.

[YHL6965]

Yeah, it's a very cleaving topic : either you make the person die of laughter or they kill you because they find it horrible.

[13IsALuckyNumber]

Murder or death? Only you can decide.

[YHL6965]

Bring your firearm to your local high school and you can have 2 for 1!

[Anime_person]

I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a homepage.

"Dad, why am i called experience?"
"Well, son, experience is simply the name we give our mistakes"

Dad's are like boomerangs. I hope...

What's an orphans fave game on roblox? Adopt me.

Cats are great for experiments. They have nine lives.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly, none of them work.

Why can't an orphan get 5 stars on gta? They're not wanted.

My teripist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My child wanted to see his grandmother, so i shot him.

I called the suicide hotline in iraq. They got exited and asked if i could drive a truck

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

[RolandCuthbert]

David Spade to Ann Coulter, "You're having a good time tonight. I haven't see you smile this much since Trayvon Martin got shot."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwoGrDa5g2c

[YHL6965]

Not bad, but not really dark, mostly high-temperature roasts.

[RolandCuthbert]

Wait, that isn't dark? Trayvon Martin is dead man.

And you should have seen the look on Coulter's face. Even she was taken aback.

The only ones that could have been darker were the jokes of Pete Davidson. His father died in the attack on the world trade center. And it was simply not off limits.

Pete Davidson to Justin Bieber, "Justin, I lost my dad on 9/11. And I always regretted growing up without a dad. Until I met your dad. Now I am glad mine is dead."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOKVHvjQ1Gc

There simply is no way to be darker.

Justin Bieber got some points on this for me. He had a roast where people really went at him hard. He had some jokes for them also. And everyone there had a target on their back. It was a great roast.

http://www.cc.com/shows/roast-of-justin-bieber

[YHL6965]

True, this is pretty dark, but still light for me. I guess I'm too much of a cruel bastard to notice some dark things ^^

[YHL6965]

That Bieber roast though ^^ The kind of darkness I like :D

[YHL6965]

Thanks for sharing it by the way!

[AmandaYVR]

"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."
- Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

"Superheroes are easy, Darling. Mediocrity is much more difficult to work with—and it is in such great supply."
- Edna Mode, The Incredibles (Pixar)

[YHL6965]

Not dark enough for me but the first one sounds morel like a message to me than a joke.

[MyLastRemnant]

Teacher:"does anyone know something flammable?"

Jewish kid:"me! Me!"

Teacher:"okay what else?"

[YHL6965]

Good one!

[Tomsta]

"Dear Points of view, watching queer eye for the straight guy, made me think that having gay friends would give me fashion tips; actually they fuck me"

Frankie Boyle - Mock the Week

[YHL6965]

I don't get it.

[Tomsta]

Taken from Wikipedia

Queer Eye is an American reality television series that premiered on the cable television network Bravo in July 2003. Originally Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the title was later shortened to broaden the overall scope.[1] The series was created by executive producers David Collins and Michael Williams along with David Metzler through their company, Scout Productions.[2]

Each episode features a team of gay professionals in the fields of fashion, personal grooming, interior design, entertaining and culture collectively known as the "Fab Five" performing a makeover (in the parlance of the show, a "make-better"), usually for a heterosexual (straight) man: revamping wardrobe, redecorating, and offering advice on grooming, lifestyle, and food.[3]

[YHL6965]

Yeah I got that but is the joke just that "they are gay, I am a man, they fuck men"?

[name_is_eric]

I agree with that picture.

[YHL6965]

And your profile pic fits the theme ^^

[pizzalovershouse]

havnt heard any