What do you think of this poem? Honestly?

[Leapfrog00]

So, I'm a writer and I have barely shown anyone my work. I write mostly novels, but I write poetry and short stories for practice sometimes. I've always been shy about showing my work. I can take critisism trust me! It helps me improve.

I was wondering if I could get an opinion on a poem, I wrote for a girl I once liked. I once had feelings for this girl and I wrote this poem for her, but never gave it to her. She also had feelings for me. One of my female friends was jealous because she also liked me, and she ended up coming in between the girl and I, so I never even got a chance to show it to her.

Can you give me an honest opinion on what you think of this poem? Do you think she'd like this poem?

-A dream awaits-

The moon peaked down, watching our exchanged romance,

Exchanging words for one kiss,

Surrounding our hearts with unfamiliar love,

Parting for the night, a short goodbye til we dream,

Where our hearts dance til morning,

May our dream last throughout the night,

May our dream bring forth one more kiss,

A kiss to satisfy the love thou crave,

With hope, thou love diminishes thy nightmares,

Bringing that beauty I call you,

May our dream last til morning,

I anticipate our dream’s begin

Til then, see you soon.

[Effably]

I can of course do that but I tend to be a bit of an ass and poetry to me does not need to conform to rules, yet rules is how we evaluate them which is always awkward. It is also difficult to gauge the meaning things may have to you and the intended audience.

As for my views? A positive is that its clear in purpose and intent. The language is consistent, if not always well chosen or correct. The imagery while very sparse does work.

Now its obviously free verse. Which is just me saying you didn't follow any rules for style so it doesn't fit anywhere else.

Some of it is, while seemingly honest, rather cliché. Unfamiliar love, beauty that I call you, so on. The repetition is good but uninspired. You never really innovate or write creatively and every line, even the good ones, I have heard a version of before. I'd take the chance to be more unique, personal and specific rather than repeat clichés.

You're also lacking in things like sound, imagery, symbolism. There is near no use of rhyme (one or two), alliteration or clever consonance. Pair that with the lack of building a scene and it becomes rather than a story or tapestry of emotion, just pretty words at best - to me. And the impact doesn't hit the way it could if you built the scene. The beauty of music isn't to have every note be the greatest but to make each support the other until you choose to make it great. The understated parts are often what best convey our longing.

Lastly I would have stuck to language I have greater command of. The old English while fancy and perhaps fitting is better used for impressing a teacher than a lover today. And well if we were to impress a teacher, as someone who did tutor high-achievers, we'd have to do many changes.

Now I am an ASS about this and I have myself written poetry that would not score well yet made the intended audience weep with joy. In fact I know that even now nine years later she reads it sometimes and it is well cherished. So don't let me tell you if it is good or not. Its not up to me to decide. If you like it and if they like it that makes it fantastic.

[Leapfrog00]

Thank you for your honesty! I'm always looking for ways to improve. I've been writing a long time but never showed many people my work. I think when I'm writing for other people, especially if it's poetry for a girl, I find myself focusing on working harder to impress her.

I was afraid there wasn't enough imagery. I think I try to hard focusing on some areas, but not enough on others. It is good practice for novel writing. The one reason I don't follow much of the three R's, as teachers used to call them, lol, especially rhyming, is because I find it kind of amateurish. At least to me, anyway. Some people can rhyme though and do a tremendous job.

Every writer has their own style though. You've really dissected this for me though. I really appreciate it! Thanks for the helpful advice!

[Effably]

For what it is worth back when I tutored younger students who had an interest in poetry I never ever talked rules. Whatever they gave me I'd honestly give my understanding of what they wanted to convey. Highlight things that were great and then maybe introduce a technique or tool they can play with. For you that might be tempo. You can leverage that to control someone's breathing and make them short of breath or contemplative at will. This also translates into novels. So whether you are used to doing it in novels or not, I'd suggest employing it here! Short sentences. Fragment it, even if, just to build speed. You can take people on a figurative rollercoaster that way and for a writer that is always an eye-opening and rewarding experience.

Cool of you to take all that criticism so well by the way. A+ for that.

[D_Bone_Steak]

TBH, you shouldn't quit your day job. I write more when I'm just battle rapping with my friends... It's like a gag we do. I'm not trying to be mean... I'm just trying to be real with you bro.

I have a real hard time catching the rhymes. I have a practice of making the 1st and 3rd sentence rhyme as well as the 2nd and 4th... but what are you doing? I'm an office shitlord and if I don't get it, I guarantee some normie isn't going to get it.

Oh sheeeeiiiiit... I have an idea... I should start a question where we battle rap each other. Gonna. Be. Fucking. Epic!

[Leapfrog00]

ha, rap battles. I love it! With my style of writing, I don't use many rhymes. It's mostly the rhythm part of the three R's. Every writer has their own style though. Ryming goes perfect in certain types of music. Do you use a lot of descriptive adjectives in your rap battles? That will make them sound more powerful and more serious. You should so do that though! Start a question with a rap battle and see how many people will join in and then ask people to judge!

[D_Bone_Steak]

Just get in on this... good times.
Written battle rap time... you wanna battle rap or what sucka? ↗

[Thatpearl26]

I think the poem is sweet and if she dislikes the poem then she should at least recognize the gesture and intention. Anyways the only criticism I have is from these few lines.

“A kiss to satisfy the love thou crave,

With hope, thou love diminishes thy nightmares,“

So it’s just that the words “thou” and “thy” seem out of place since it’s a different more olden style of writing. Which doesn’t fit in with the way you have written the poem.

However it’s not my poem and you can change or leave it as it is. Although overall it’s a well written poem!

[Leapfrog00]

Thanks you the advice! I thought the same thing about some of the words seeming too classic. It does seem like it weighs it down. I do some free lance writing every now and then, and poetry is great writing practice. Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your honesty!

[Akam93]

I think its beautiful. :)